Chapter Seventeen: Truth Be Told

Tenebris's words hang heavy in my mind as we separate. I'm glad my brother was reasonable about allowing me to ride with some of the others, but I can't help but feel the loss of Varric already. Still, he's right. I shouldn't do that to him, or to Lucis, or honestly, even myself. My own impulsive nature got the better of me, twice. No more.

We go back to the group, and I let Tenebris explain that he has agreed to allow me to ride with some of them - but that he expects them all to behave like gentlemen. He doesn't outwardly voice his dissent about me riding with Varric, but I know he would press the issue if it came to it. No, I'm better off not having physical contact with him, anyway. It might weaken my resolve.

I can't even look at him right now, and I'm glad when we set out. Since Darkforge has been running without a rider, he isn't fatigued at all yet, and Tenebris and I ride together first, with me behind the saddle to better distribute the weight. We stop a few hours later, and it's time to choose someone else. Declan offers, and I accept, which surprises everyone. Again, I'm careful not to look at Varric; but I see Garrett's expression, and he glances over at Varric. It's enough for me to know I don't want to see it.

I'm seated behind Declan, arms around him the same as I had with my brother, but the contact with his body feels strange. I can see why Tenebris was concerned, but I know how I feel about Declan. There won't be a problem with him. He and I chat as we ride together.

"Thanks for picking me first this time," he says. "I don't think my ego could have taken another hit like that."

I chuckle. "Seriously? You're the Inquisitor. Surely you have enough people flattering your ego that you don't need me for that."

"I guess so...that's different, though. I never really wanted that kind of attention. They look at me like I'm some kind of holy symbol. I think the reason I like you so much is because you treat me like I'm just a man. Of course, you're beautiful, which doesn't hurt, but I think I like that you don't have any real expectations from me, and want to help us, instead."

I smile, even though I know he can't see it behind him.

"You're a good person, Declan. I think they made the right choice for Inquisitor."

"But still not good enough to be more than friends," he clarifies.

"It was never about being good enough. Friendship is a precious gift to be treasured. I just can't be distracted by romance, not with you or anyone else in the Inquisition."

"I guess I assumed you and Garrett…" he states, leaving his ending implied.

"No, just friends. He's kind of like an extra brother, really."

"He's not going to like hearing that, but it does make me feel better. So tell me more about dragons…"

I end up riding with Garrett for the last portion of the day, and he puts me up front in the saddle, taking the position behind me. He waits until we're back underway before he starts talking with me.

"You picked Declan first? I'm hurt, Ferox."

I grinned, I can't help it. Hawke's easy demeanor makes him really likeable. "I liked his horse better," I comment, and get a chuckle near my ear.

"Look," he says, and I know what's coming next. "I don't mean to pry, but what's going on between you and Varric?"

"What do you mean?"

"The two of you sneak off together yesterday, then you run off. Then today, you leave together again, and come back separately, both looking entirely too happy. Yes, I noticed that. Now you're not even speaking to him. Varric's pretty good at hiding his emotions, but I've known him for years, and I've seen the gamut in the last day alone. What happened?"

I sigh. "I guess I might as well tell you. Varric kissed me."

He exhales. "Huh. Didn't know the old boy had it in him. Guess that means we won't be spending time together then."

"Not in that context, no. I realized you remind me too much of my brothers for me to have any other sort of feelings for you."

"Ouch...having met Tenebris, I suppose we do have a few things in common. But what about Varric? I would have sworn he was hurt this morning when you didn't choose him. At the risk of sounding like his mother, I hope you're not just messing with him."

"No, I'm...it's complicated. I thought I could be with him, but I recently had a reminder of why that isn't a good idea."

"From your brother?"

"Yes, but it's not just about him. I'd just be setting us both up to suffer."

"So you don't want to be with him?"

"Of course I want to be with him! Who wouldn't? He's amazing."

"Lucky dwarf," he mutters with a chuckle. "So what's the problem? I'd say you both deserve a little happiness."

"I just can't, Garrett, it wouldn't be right."

"Why?"

"There are things about me, about my family. We're...different than other families. Varric would just end up getting hurt."

"How so?"

"Family secrets. Ones I can't share."

"How bad can it be? Maybe I can guess. Let's see...you're sleeping with one of the brothers?" he teases.

"Ew, of course not!"

"You have an incurable illness and you only have three weeks to live," he continues.

"Not even close, Garrett."

"Already married?"

I just turn and give him an exasperated look. He laughs.

"Okay, no. Then clearly you must be exiled royalty of some far-off kingdom and have to reclaim your birthright."

"Closer. Still wrong, but closer."

"Seriously? You and your family are important people then?"

"We used to be."

"Varric's no slouch. He's a member of the Merchant's Guild, a wealthy man, if that matters, and has a strong influence in social and political matters, both through the Inquisition and in Kirkwall."

"You don't need to sell me on his merits, Garrett. There's nothing wrong with him. This is all me."

"You should tell him. Whatever it is, don't hold it back. Say it."

"He wouldn't believe me, even if I did."

Garrett stops the horse, causing me to turn to look at him. "Ferox. Varric is quite possibly the best friend I've had in my entire life. He's always been there for me, listened to me when no one else would. He'll understand, whatever it is."

"You make it sound so simple," I grumble. "Believe me when I say I'm trying to do the right thing by him."

"Okay, say I agree that whatever this secret is, it's so monumental that you can't be together. You at least owe him an explanation. I didn't give him my blessing for nothing."

"Oh," I respond instinctively. Hawke gave us his blessing, how did I not understand that? "Are you going to tell him about my family?"

"The vague detail that they used to be important? No. Honestly, I'm hoping you tell him, everything, I mean."

"No promises, but I'll think on what you said. I need to talk to him anyway. Tonight, when we make camp, will you distract my brother for a few minutes?"

"Just give the sign, little apostate."

That night, after we set up camp, I looked over at Garrett, and then my brother. He smiles, and moves to pull his attention away. Varric isn't far from me in the circle of the fire. I walk over to him.

"Will you walk with me?" I ask hesitantly.

He sighs in frustration, but nods. We walk out of camp.

"I'm going to do magic, hold onto my hand for a second, okay?" I extend one hand, the one without the ring to Varric, and he takes it, frowning at me. I twist the ring on my finger, and we're transported somewhere else. I don't take us far. We've covered enough ground on horseback today to gain a charge back on the ring, so this use leaves me with two again.

"Andraste's flaming-sorry, I forgot you don't like those curses. I really need to come up with some different ones. So any particular reason you decided to show me this little magic trick?"

"I needed to talk with you, and this may take a while. I didn't want my brother interrupting us. Don't worry, we're not far from camp. I thought we would talk as we walk."

"Fine, Firefly, but you wouldn't even look at me today. You're going first, because this, I've gotta hear."

"I had the talk with my brother," I explain.

"Figured that one out, yeah," he states, his lips pressed into a firm line. "So why the cold shoulder?"

"It's about my family. I'm afraid we're both going to get hurt if we continue to see each other."

"Because they don't approve?"
"No...well, no, they don't, but that isn't why. If it were just something as simple as that, there would be no problem. There are things you don't know…"

"You know what, stop, I've heard enough. I know what I felt in that kiss. You wanted it as much as I did, but if you want to end it, just say so, and stop making excuses."

"I'm trying to tell you the truth here. It's just hard, okay? There are things about my family you don't know," I repeat. "We're not like other families. Our magic sets us apart, and I haven't been around mort-uh, normal people in a long time. Truthfully, I don't want to end it, but you're not like us, and eventually it would hurt us both."

"I don't understand at all."

"I can't believe I'm about to tell you this." I take a deep breath. "I...I'm a goddess." Good, I said it.

He scoffs. "Boy, you really think a lot of yourself, don't you?"

"No, I'm serious about this. My family and I are strong mages with near infinite lifespans. Our people once worshipped us as gods."

"Your brother put you up to this, right?" he questions, putting a hand to his head in a frustrated gesture.

"I'm not joking and I'm not lying. I am Ferox the Destroyer, one of the four ancient gods of Tevinter. Remember, I hinted at the story before?"

He just shakes his head at me, the wrinkle in his brow growing. "I think Cullen had it right from the beginning. You are mad." He walks quicker, putting distance between himself and I. I let him walk away from me, and I felt something wet on my cheek. I look up, expecting rain clouds, but the night is thick with stars and not a cloud in the sky. Reaching up to touch my cheek, I realize I'm crying. Crying over a damned mortal.

I should have known better. I walk back to camp on my own and ignore the glare from my brother, and curious stare from Hawke. I hope they can't tell I've been crying. I settle into my pallet by the fire and pretended to sleep, but it is a long time before sleep actually finds me.