Chapter Eighteen: Stormy Weather
I awake angry the next morning, and the storm inside me has called a storm outside as well. The rain starts not long after we're out of bed. Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes across the sky. A scowl carves its way onto my features, and no one seems willing to approach me. Except my brother, of course. He's used to my moods.
"I'm sorry, sister, I know it hurts, but it's better this way," he reminds me. "Remember that the dragons still need you."
The dragons. Yes, that's an easier thought to process. I don't want to give that bastard the satisfaction of knowing how much his rejection hurt me last night. I resolve to let it go, and try to put a more pleasant expression on my face. Focus on the dragons. There will be another one soon, and I can help keep it alive.
Garrett catches my attention, and points to his horse. I sigh, knowing he wants me to ride with him first to hit me with questions about Varric again. And after I just managed to get my mind off of things. Guess I might as well get this over with. After making sure my things are secured with Tenebris, I go across the camp to Hawke.
"Good morning, sunshine," he says cheerfully, even though he can clearly see from my face that it is neither a good morning, nor is my mood sunny.
"Hello, Garrett," I respond before mounting up.
He climbs up behind the saddle, his arms lightly around me as before. I wish for a moment we were closer, as it would have kept a bit of the rain off me, but I don't really mind the soaking today.
"He's worse today than yesterday," he states in a disapproving tone. "Now what happened?"
"I blame you," I mutter. "I followed your stupid advice, and tried telling him the truth."
"Not hearing the problem so far."
"First he thought I was making fun of him, and then he called me crazy and didn't believe me at all. I told you it wasn't going to work."
"Still, if you told him the truth, you did what you could. I'm proud of you."
"Fat lot of good it did me. In the end, he still rejected me. But, this was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. Now it's back to helping the dragons and not worrying about boys."
"Can I ask what the big secret was?"
"You'll just laugh at me, same as he did. You'll think I'm delusional."
"Personally, I think you're delightful," he admits, and I smile despite myself.
"Fine, flatterer, get your way. I told him about my family, about how our magic makes us different."
"Yeah, we've established that already. What else?"
"For one, we've extended our natural lifetimes far beyond that of normal humans. I'm a lot older than I look, Garrett. Back when we were younger, the Tevinter people revered us as gods because of our powerful magic and near immortality. They gave me the title 'Ferox the Destroyer'."
"Uh...I see why he had issues buying into that. You can't have a relationship because you're a goddess? Can't say I've ever heard that one before."
"Doesn't mean it's not the truth. I've been holding back a lot of my powers. Ask yourself, have you ever seen anyone who can do what I can do?"
He's quiet, then admits, "No, I haven't."
"And I didn't lie about talking with dragons, even though you and everyone else thought I was crazy."
"No, you didn't."
"Is it so hard to believe that the rest is true, as well?"
"Yes," he answered honestly. "But, even if that's the case, why does that stop you from being with someone?" I'm glad he doesn't name Varric this time. My heart hurts and the thunderstorm overhead is still raging, rain coming down in sheets.
"Being with mortals hasn't gone well for us in the past. My twin brother fell in love with a woman from Thedas and the humans betrayed him, killing her in a horrific way. He went to save her, but he was too late, and it broke him. He hasn't been the same since then, and it's been centuries.
"Even if the one I choose doesn't come to a bad end, he'll still die a few years from now of old age, but I won't. I'll still be me, watching him slowly fade away into nothing. So my only options are I either grieve now, or I grieve later. I can't bring that kind of pain home to my twin again, I just can't. No, it's better that Varric doesn't want anything to do with me. I should have thought to do something like that from the beginning."
I feel the horse slow, and Garrett leans forward, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry," he murmurs in my ear. "I've always thought Varric would make some woman happy if he ever dropped the idea of that damned Bianca. Just his dumb luck that the one girl he likes ends up to be a goddess of destruction."
"He did make me happy, for a little while, at least," I whisper. "I want to regret it, but I can't bring myself to. If I had it to do all over again, I don't think I would have changed anything."
"I know what you mean. Isabela broke my heart when she left me, disappearing into thin air without a trace, but it was an amazing ride while it lasted."
"Thank you for listening, Garrett. You're a good friend."
"Rub it in, why don't you?"
"What is it with you guys not appreciating friendship?"
"It's just hard to when your cute little body is so close to mine. Makes a man think un-brotherly thoughts."
I give a little squeak of surprise, and stiffen. I hear him chuckle. "Hey, it's Varric's loss in my eyes. I backed off and gave him his chance, and it sounds like he blew it. If you ever change your mind about me, you let me know. I'm not afraid of things being a little messy."
"Still not going to happen, but don't discount my friendship. I may be a bit impulsive and emotional at times, but I'm fiercely loyal to those who have earned my respect. I didn't need to come to the Inquisition to save the dragons. I came because I wanted the mortals to understand and give you a chance to save yourselves."
"And how are we doing so far?" he asks.
"I convinced my brother to stay, didn't I?"
I ride with Tenebris next, and he is not pleased that Hawke had hugged me. I stop him before he can start anything. "I set him straight already, no worries." He stops, and pulls me up next to him, instead, narrowing his eyes at Garrett.
"Ferox is more than capable of taking care of her own problems," he grunts. "But you're making me like you less."
"Sorry, she just confided in me, and I felt bad for her. It was meant as a comfort," Hawke explains.
Tenebris doesn't say anything, just guides me to Darkforge. I stroke the horse's soft muzzle again, and he allows it. Tenebris lifts me up, and quickly follows.
"Now what have you done, sister?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm happy to see that you ended things with the dwarf," he acknowledges. "But what were you talking about with the human? He said you confided in him."
I pause for a moment before answering. "I told him about us, what we are."
"Why am I not surprised?" he says, shaking his head. "Did he believe you?
"I'm not sure...maybe?"
"You're complicating things again, Ferox. We're here to help the dragons, stop Corypheus from gaining too much power, and seal the Breach."
"Is it so wrong to want their friendship?"
He sighs, and it's a while before he finally answers in a softened tone, "Maybe you're right."
"Seriously? I expected another lecture."
"We're used to avoiding them, but maybe we've stayed in isolation too long. Being around the people of Thedas again, laughing...I forgot what it feels like."
"I know sometimes I act before I think, but I trust Hawke. He's been a good friend so far. Declan too, for that matter, although he flirts entirely too much for his own good. Stars, you should have seen him back at Skyhold. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to hit on you yet."
"Who says he hasn't?" Tenebris replies with a smile.
As luck would have it, Declan's horse picks up a rock in its hoof before it's time to switch. We manage to get it out, and there doesn't appear to be any permanent damage, but Declan doesn't think I should ride double with him. Disappointment crosses his face, and I'm hard pressed to keep my amusement to myself.
"Okay, guess I'll ride with Bull, then," I state, knowing Tenebris would have suggested it if I didn't.
"No, he's too big to have a second rider. You'll ride with Varric," he announces. I glance at Tenebris, who frowns at me again, but just shakes his head and looks away.
I sigh. "Okay," I say, not at all excited about this turn of events. If this had happened yesterday, or the day before, I would have looked forward to the close proximity. Now I'm dreading it. Declan explains to Varric about the horse, and I see Varric carefully keeping his emotions hidden.
We attempt to mount up, but as luck would have it, the saddle strap breaks. At least I wasn't on the horse when it happened.
"Just leave it," Declan states. "You guys will have to ride without a saddle for now, sorry. I'm sure we'll run into the riders at some point soon."
After a few attempts, I'm able to get atop the horse. No small feat, given the downpour from the storm. Varric follows, using a similar system of climbing rocks nearby. It's a little embarrassing, but it works. Once we're both settled, him behind me, I'm immediately aware of the difference of riding with him versus the others. I feel the corded muscles in his thighs pressing against me, and a warm tingle transfers into my body. This is a bad idea.
"Sorry about this," I tell him. "Declan insisted."
"Yeah," he says, his breath stirring in my hair. The difference in our heights is negligible, meaning he can't look over my head the way Hawke had.
"Can you see to guide the horse? I should take the reins," I offer.
"Sure."
One-word answers. Great. How long is this stretch of the ride again? Still, he hands over the reins, and I take over controlling his horse. I lean forward a bit and murmur sweet things to it, and it seems to perk up, moving into a lively canter. However, this seems to cause Varric to lose his balance, and he grabs onto me to avoid falling off.
Blushing, I help stabilize him again, calming the horse back to a walk, but we're quickly falling behind the others.
"I know this is awkward, but maybe it's best if you hold on to me. We need to catch up."
He places his hands on my hips, and as his fingers dig in, I give a small gasp. No way he heard that, right? My face warms, and I'm consciously aware of his fingers on my hips, and the gentle sway of the horse causing me to bump up against him. My breathing quickens.
"So...you and Hawke," Varric finally speaks up.
"What?" I had been totally distracted by his touch that I hadn't been paying attention.
"I saw you and Hawke earlier. Just given what you said to me, it seemed a bit sudden to be moving on, that's all."
"Oh, you saw him hug me. Notice the phrasing, Varric. He hugged me, not the other way around. Your jealousy is cute, but not warranted. I'm not interested in Hawke. Only you."
He exhales. "Shit, woman how can you just say it like that after yanking my chain like you did?"
I shake my head, my anger getting the best of me. A flash of lightning nearby illuminates the area as though it were midday, and not a stormy afternoon. To the Void with him, he doesn't get to do that after I tried to trust him. "My conscience is clear, you stubborn dwarf. If you don't want to hear the truth, then I'll stop speaking altogether."
He grunts in frustration and we ride in silence for a few moments. But then I notice something else. The pads of his fingertips flex, stroking the flesh of my hips. Distracted again from my anger, a tiny moan escapes me before I can pull it back.
"You know, Firefly, you're going to have to control those reactions better if you don't want everyone to know."
Startled, I lean forward enough to turn and look at him, not caring that he can see my passion-flushed cheeks. "You're doing that on purpose!"
"Eyes forward. You don't want your brother figuring out what's going on," he murmurs, and I immediately turn back around, now grateful for the heavy rain that obscures us a little from the others. One hand lets go of my hip and trails down the outside of my thigh. Given the angle, no one would be able to see it unless they were a lot closer. I whimper, but try to keep my expression neutral.
"I think you like sneaking around a lot more than you let on, Firefly."
He's right, I'm enjoying this, damn him. "Why are you doing this, Varric? I thought you weren't interested anymore."
"Do you want me to stop?" His hand stills.
"I...no, don't stop," I utter, allowing my back to fall against his warm chest. I'm rewarded with a low chuckle against my ear.
His strong fingers drag lazily back up my leg, this time on top, pausing to grip my hips before moving upwards. His warm hand slides up my side to my waist, his thumb rubbing patterns upward, inches from my breast.
I hold my breath in anticipation, and want to close my eyes, but I keep my face turned forward and my head down to try to hide my blushing enjoyment. His hand releases my waist and moves back downward - despite my small sound of protest - and his fingers flex, curling in, and then relaxing. Finally, he pulls on both my hips, and I'm aware of a firmness against my lower back.
"At least I know you like me," I comment, parroting the words he had said to me the other night. There's a gentle kiss on my shoulder, barely perceptible through the thick fabric of my quilted armor, but that simple act breaks every promise I made to myself to stay away. "Varric," I sigh.
His thumb touches the waistband of my flowing trousers with a firm caress, seeking entrance, and once finding it, slides his thumb inside, touching the bare flesh of my hip, but not moving any further. He rests his hands there, and allows the tension from them to relax.
"Liking you was never the problem," he responds, mimicking my return to our previous conversation. "Who could go back to winter after touching the sweet, wild heat of summer?" he asks, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
I grin in return, and notice that the rain has eased up a bit, the thunder and lightning subsiding. "There are things you should know about me, if you're willing to listen now. Things I'm hoping you're willing to accept."
"Alright, I'm listening. Tell me about the Tevinter gods."