Chapter Twenty-three: Cold Shoulder

I run down the stairs from Varric's hallway and out a side door out into the garden. The cold blast of air chills my tears. In the few minutes it took me to get there, I can already see clouds forming in the night sky in response to the pain I'm feeling inside, and I know it will soon be snowing. So much for summer nights and fireflies, I think, and the tears form anew. Thankfully, there's no one else in the garden to witness them. I know one of these doors leads to...yes, here it is. The candles in the shrine flicker in the gust of air that accompanies me into a small room, sending waves of rippling light over the walls and ceiling. I enter and shut the door behind me.

"I was a fool for believing any of this was possible," I comment out loud, wrapping my arms around myself. "Mortals and immortals...Lucis, you were right. Trusting them only leads to heartbreak."

I look up at the statue of my brother's dead lover. They made her prettier than she was, I muse. "I wonder what you would have said about this," I say quietly to the statue of Andraste. "You loved my brother enough to risk everything for him." I've spent too much time here, now I'm starting to believe a dead woman has answers for my life. I sigh. There is something comforting about the idea that someone out there is taking care of things, but I have no such comfort. The only things I can trust in are my magic and my family.

I feel my heart settle, the walls snapping firmly into place this time. Opening myself up like that was a mistake. One I will not be repeating. No more distractions. I'm glad for the first time that I'll be going on this mission without him. The less I have to see of him while I'm here, the better. Coldness settles in, filling my chest. Yes, that's better, take the cold into yourself. You don't need those emotions right now. Send them away. Embrace it, the bitter cold will be your element, your shield. Do what you came here to do. Resolving my feelings, I head back to my room to sleep and prepare for tomorrow's departure.

The quick-lived snow squall last night left a thin dusting, but thankfully not enough to hinder travel. I don my armor quickly, and pack a few changes of warmer weather clothing as it will not be nearly as cold in the Exalted Plains. I dress today in shades of gray and black, with a corseted vest over a long-sleeved top, leather wrist cuffs, and the same style of flowing pants and boots that I prefer. I pull my hair high up off my head, and braid it in one long braid. I wrap it around in my head in a tight fashion, catching the curling tendrils that always want to escape and pinning them up with the circling braid.

It's a more severe style than I usually wear, but it feels right today. The cold numbness remains in my chest, and I'm grateful for the lack of emotions. I walk with my back straight, my chin held high. I am a goddess of destruction, and I will act like it. I find my way easily to the main hall now, and join the others for breakfast.

Tenebris is the first to see me, and notices the change in me right away. Walking closer, he nods understanding. "Welcome back, Destroyer," he whispers in my ear. He smiles. My family understands me, and loves me. I end up sitting in between Tenebris and Garrett this morning.

Of course, Garrett is brimming with curiosity. "So, how did it go last night?"

I turn my even stare on him and answer, "Drop it, Hawke."

He gapes at my icy demeanor, then he frowns. "I'm sorry, Ferox. I never would have encouraged you if I thought it would go badly. I don't know what he did, but for what it's worth, Varric's clearly being an idiot. I don't get it."

"Are you quite finished?" I question. Another frown from Hawke.

Tenebris leans over, and whispers to Garrett, "It's no good, this is her dark side. You'd be better off trying to talk to a druffalo. Just let it go for now."

I focus on eating, and it's not long before I finish. Varric has been suspiciously missing from the table this morning. Probably too afraid to deal with me, the coward. Just like he hid the truth about her.

I excuse myself from the table and head back to my room to retrieve my things for the journey. I'm mildly surprised to find Varric waiting for me at my door.

"What do you want?" I ask plainly.

"Firefly, let me explain what you saw last night, it wasn't what you th-"

"I have no interest in your excuses, or your nicknames. Now if you have nothing else to say, please move. I have a mission to get to and I don't want to keep Cassandra waiting."

"Please?" he says, his voice wavering. "Hear me out. If you still want me to leave after, I'll go."

I sigh. "Out with it, then."

"That was Bianca, yes, but it wasn't a personal visit. She was just there to bring me information. Her family hates me, tries to kill me every time we see each other, even though we haven't been together in years. She snuck out, and I was trying to keep anyone else from finding out she was here, so word didn't get back to her family. That's why she was there, and why I couldn't leave."

"You don't owe me any explanations, Varric. You and I have no promises to each other, you are free to do as you please. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get into my room."

He exhales sharply, but steps out of the way, opening and holding the door for me. I don't look at him at all, but go into my room to get my belongings. Yes, emotionless is easier. I hear Varric shut the door after I'm inside, but when I turn to look, he's still there, only inside my room now. I give him a frustrated look.

"You said you wanted in, not that I had to leave," he points out with a hopeful half-smile.

I shake my head. "I'm not in the mood to play word games with you."

"And yet, you're still not saying 'get out, Varric'. In the time that I've known you, I've found the things you don't say are usually far more interesting. Anyway, you told me I'm free to do as I please. Being here pleases me. You please me."

My heart gives a flutter at his tone, but I quickly dampen it. I perch on the edge of my bed, my bags sitting next to me. I glance up at him, my eyes cold and dismissive.

"I'll be blunt with you, I don't trust you anymore, Varric. You're a coward and a liar, and any interest I once had in pleasing you is gone."

"You're right, I've been guilty of both," he admits, kneeling in front of me, tilting his head to look up to meet my gaze. "You told me back in Crestwood that neither of us are good at being open with people, and you were right. I hide behind my jokes and stories, none of which are about me. But I'm serious about this, about you. You're in my head, Ferox. Even right now, the urge to touch you is driving me crazy. With all your weird talk about gods, you confused the shit out of me, but I still want you...I miss you. Will you give me another chance?"

"You should have said that yesterday or the day before when it still mattered," I told him.

"You're still not kicking me out, Firefly," he teases.

I sigh again. "I'll think about what you said. Now get out."

He nods and straightens back up. "One last thing before I go, though," he says, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips. "Something else to think about," he comments, pressing the soft skin of his lips against my knuckles. I remember him saying the same words outside Caer Bronach right before he kissed me the first time. Not fair.

"Out," I insist, pulling my hand away.

He heads to the door, turning back one more time to comment, "Like the new look, by the way."

He shuts the door behind him, leaving me still a little confused. He wasn't with Bianca? My numbness threatens to crack, and I embrace the cold again. No feelings. Leave them for later. The only thing that matters now is the mission. My mask of stoicism back, I pick up my bags and head down to the courtyard to meet Cassandra and the others for the trip to the Exalted Plains.

Thanks to a distracting dwarf, I'm now the last one down. I see him there with Declan's team.

"Ferox!" Declan greets me smiling. I don't return it. Emotions are useless. His face falls, and confusions takes its place.

"Don't take it personal, Declan. According to Tenebris she gets in these moods," Hawke explains. "He calls it her 'dark side', but he says it's usually short-lived." Since when were Hawke and my brother so chummy? They had to have talked about me again after I left.

"Great, another moody mage," Sera complains. "Why do I have to go again?"

"I have witnessed this side of her before, as well," Solas states. "You have no reason for concern, Sera. She is quite efficient when she is like this. And Hawke is right, she usually pulls out of it quickly."

"If you're all finished talking about me now, should we not be on our way?" I ask impatiently.

"Quite so," declares Cassandra. "We will be traveling with the Inquisitor's group until we are out of the mountains, where we will separate."

I walk to Darkforge and look him in the eye. He tosses his head, eager to be moving, and I feel the same. I make sure my belongings are secure before mounting up.

The path this way out of Skyhold is more traveled, and the lack of substantial snowfall lately means that they are quite passable. We're able to ride instead of having to guide the horses. I keep my head up, the reins taught, and clear my mind of all thoughts. I engage in conversation with no one, only answering when asked a direct question. Varric thankfully doesn't approach me, but I catch him watching me sometimes. The days pass quickly with me keeping to myself, remaining calm, emotionless, and it isn't long before it's time to part ways.

"Good luck," Declan calls.

I nod to him. "Be well."

"We will most likely return before you do," Cassandra states. "Do you have any orders for us until then?"

"Not yet, but my advisors may. Listen to them in my absence," he instructs.

I immediately feel a little better when he is out of sight, my emotional walls already feeling a bit weaker, less substantial, and I try not to examine the thought too closely. But I can't help but welcome the growing excitement inside me at the prospect of seeing a Gamordan Stormrider. Time for Dragon Girl to go to work.