Chapter Forty-Four: Memories and Melancholy

I'm surprised that, with his memory, Varric hasn't asked about Solas yet. I think about our truce with Fen'Harel. I'd strangely gotten on almost friendly terms with him again before we'd left Skyhold. If his intentions are true, and he just wants to stop Corypheus, then I don't want divulge his secrets, even though I've been more open about my own. But I won't lie to protect him, either. If they ask for an answer, I will give it.

Frederic is full of questions when we get back. What was Toth like? How did I get the soul out? I refuse to answer any specifics about that, reminding him that it didn't exactly work very well. I don't want anyone else trying to do what I did. And now that I've seen the sex rite Alistair and Morrigan used, I know it's possible to save the soul and purify it at the same time. I wish I'd known it back then. They truly have my gratitude for saving Urthemiel. Or is it Mythal I have to thank for giving Morrigan the spell?

I answer Frederic's questions about the Sandy Howler, and at his insistence, take him over to meet her.

"Cinder, I would like to introduce you to one of my companions. His name is Frederic, and he is practicing your language. He wishes to try out his new skills. Please be patient with him. He is learning."

"Why are you doing this?" she asks me.

"To offer you something in terms of companionship? Would it not be nice to have more than one person you can talk to?"

"Another possibility I had not considered. Very well, let this human speak."

"Go ahead," I tell Frederic, and he gives her his best greeting.

Cinder comments, "Not bad, but he speaks with a lisp."

I chuckle. "I know. I've been trying to work on that with him."

"She said something, what was it?"

"She said you were very polite." No sense making waves.

Cinder doesn't say anything. Does she understand the human common tongue? If so, she didn't give any indication of it.

"Tell her I thank her for the opportunity to meet her."

I convey the message.

"He's very eager, isn't he?"

"This is mild compared to how excited he gets sometimes. This man studies dragons for a living. He's never seen one of your breed before, and I think he's a little in awe."

"He could be an interesting specimen to study, to learn more about humans."

I laugh, and turn to Frederic. "She says she has an interest in studying humans, too, and you would make a good specimen."

He blinks at her. "A dragon researcher...and a researcher dragon! I would be a pioneer in my field."

I turn to Cinder. "I think he likes the idea. Do you understand the common tongue the humans use?"

"No, I have not had much chance to hear it before now."

"Hm, no I suppose you wouldn't. You really have been isolated out here. I understand what that feels like. I will teach Frederic, and help him to speak with you."

"Thank you, Ferox. It is an...interesting opportunity."

"Frederic," I say, getting his attention. "Time for your farewell." He dutifully recites a parting phrase I taught him.

"He was better this time. Tell him to visit again."

I nod and do so, and then we return to the others.

Cassandra watches me walk up. "It is late, we should just camp here for the evening. I doubt many creatures will bother us with a dragon nearby."

Good point , I think. We set up our tents and I gratefully lay down tonight, taking my usual spot next to Varric once we unroll our bedrolls. I run my fingers absentmindedly through his chest hair in the dark.

"You sure you're okay?" he asks.

I sigh. "It was a rough day. I'm glad I was able to talk to Cinder, but everything else...I'm just grateful to be here," I say, indicating my position next to him, "and to still have this. I thought you might leave me after everything that you saw today."

"Nah, blood magic, dragons. Kinda reminds me of back home," he jokes.

That gets a laugh out of me. "Yeah, from what I know of the things Hawke got mixed up in, I'm sure you've seen some crazy shit."

"I thought the Seeker's eyes were going to pop out of her head when Tenebris pulled out that blade, though."

"You don't hate blood magic?" I ask, curious.

"One of my good friends back in Kirkwall was a blood mage, but she wasn't a bad person."

"I knew there was a reason I love you."

"This is usually the spot where I have some kind of come back, but I'm just too damned tired, Firefly."

"Mmn, alright. I'm pretty wiped myself. Goodnight, love."

His hand rests on top of mine on his chest. "Night."

The trip back to the Inquisition camp is completed mostly in silence. Seeker Cassandra watches both Tenebris and me a little closer now. Her hovering is getting a bit annoying, but I don't say anything. I know she's going to tell the others when we meet back up, and everyone will know about the Destroyer and the Darkness being real and performing forbidden magics.

I have no idea how that news is going to go over with my new friends. Hawke has already shown his concern over blood magic and... shit, Cullen. I hadn't even thought about what he'll do when he finds out since he's still back at Skyhold. He was a former templar and after what he hinted at having experiencing, I doubt he's going to want to work us anymore. But as much as I try, I can't bring myself to regret it. Cinder lives, and we were able to gain her cooperation. Provided rogue dragon hunters don't come looking for her, she will live to become an ancient. Now that the danger of Toth is over, I can be happy about it again.

Of course, I won't be the only one with an ancient dragon soul at Skyhold , I remind myself. Morrigan will be there by now, and will have brought her son. Not that anyone will know about him, except Morrigan, Alistair and I, of course. I look forward to seeing Urthemiel again. That's assuming I don't get kicked out of the Inquisition. Declan may not want me there when he finds out about the danger to his people. All the assurances in the world won't be enough after what Cassandra witnessed.

The memory of the violet sand turning to glass under my feet, and the panicked feeling when my body moved not to my will, but hers...I can't seem to shake it. The scene keeps replaying over and over in my head, causing my heart to beat faster. I look down at my hands holding Darkforge's reins. I could have killed them. Maybe they would be doing the right thing by getting rid of me. Not that it would negate the threat. If another Archdemon rises, the Blight will threaten everyone, regardless of where it starts. Maybe I should talk to Alistair. As much as I hate their methods, the Wardens would be able to stop Toth if it came to it. I'll talk to him back at Skyhold.

I look over at Varric, but he's facing forward and doesn't notice me watching him. I'm saddened by his answer about the ritual, but I understand his reasoning. I wonder about Tenebris and Dorian, and feel a little guilty that I'd taken him from the other mission and made him accompany me, but things would have been a lot worse if he hadn't been there.

More than anything, I miss the joking atmosphere that we'd had on the way here. I'd even fight more red templars just to feel better. That's it. I need a good fight, an excuse to use my magic again. But, to my disappointment, the rest of the journey is uneventful, leaving me with only my thoughts that follow the same patterns again and again.

I'm glad to spot the Inquisition flag. We're the first ones back, but at least the ride is over for today. We'll wait here for Declan's team. I dismount, and as before, the agents take over care of our mounts.

"I'm going to take a walk," I tell Tenebris. "I need to clear my head."

He nods. "Let me know if you need me."

Varric looks at me questioningly, but I just shake my head and walk in the other direction, out into the sand. I glance up at the sky, and I'm not surprised to see clouds forming, even here in the desert. The thought of planning my own death isn't a pleasant one. A couple of days ago, I had been dreaming about my future with Varric. What will he do if I'm not part of the Inquisition anymore?

I reach a ruin near the camp. Under my feet a flat raised surface suggests there might have once been a road here, cutting through the shifting sands. Pillars stand like silent sentinels, reminders of some long-abandoned structure, whatever they used to hold up lost to the ravages of time and blowing sand. I sit on the side of the platform and hug my knees to my chest. All I can hear is the sound of the wind, picking up now with the oncoming rain, and I fight the urge to cry again. It's not over yet, right? Things may look bad, but I still accomplished my mission. And Varric still loves me. My own words to Varric come back to me…"trust this". I know I'm feeling uncertain right now, but I need to trust that Varric won't hurt me.

I see movement in the distance, past the camp. Horses? Looks like the other team is back. I walk back to the camp, and get a better look. They're still a ways off, but it does look like Declan's crew . As they get closer, I notice there are more of them than there should be. I count off in my head: Declan, Cole, the Iron Bull, Dorian, Hawke... there should only be five . But I can see seven riders.

"Who is that with Declan?" I ask Tenebris as I enter camp again.

"Not sure...wait, yes I do know. Shit." He looks down at me, and it hits me.

"No...now?"

"It appears so."

"Who are you two talking about?" Varric asks, also squinting into the distance.

"That's Etiam and Lucis with the Inquisitor," Tenebris answers.