They finally reached the end of the great, yellow-mulch-road to a set of enormous, green doors. Max boldly stepped up and slammed the knocker against the plate, creating loud bangs echoing through the courtyard.
A second later, they heard scuffling from behind the doors and two voices bickering quietly. Then, the slot a few feet off the ground opened and revealed two eyes glaring down at them.
"Thpeak! What ith your purpothe here, travelerth!" [Speak! What is your purpose here, travelers?]
"Nerris! You're doing it wrong!" A second slot opened on the door right next to it and another set of eyes looked down at them. "Strangers, we open these doors only to those who have demonstrated magic worthy of the Wizard's attention and know of his password!"
"No, we were thupposed to let in travelerth today. He wanted mageth and thorthererth!" [No, we were supposed to let in travelers today. He wanted mages and sorcerers!]
"No, we were supposed to let in people who knew the password!"
"Magic!"
"Password!"
"Magic!"
"Password!"
"Real Magic!"
"Oh, now you hit below the belt! I-"
"HEY F*CKERS!"
The eyes turned their attention back to the figures still waiting. Max continued, "The f*ck are you talking about? How is anyone supposed to know some shitty password if no one is let in?"
"It'th a very excluthive club." [It's a very exclusive club] The lisped voice said, with the other eyes nodding in agreement.
"Fine, you know what, f*ck this! Nikki!"
The chimera growled as she attacked the doors with all of her bear strength. They didn't even shudder.
"Ha! Fools! The doors are impervious to brute force! It would take a true mage to open them!"
Max raised an eyebrow. "A true mage, huh?"
Then, louder he called up to them, "Hey! What if I said I had the ability to cut myself without bleeding and heal it instantly?"
The eyes widened and stared at each other a second before returning focus, "That would indeed be the makings of a true magician! Perform this feat and we'll see you are granted audience with the Wizard!"
Max sighed and he presented his hands to both of them. Then, he used his right hand to grab his left thumb-
-and pulled it right off.
"EGADTH!" [EGADS!]
"INCREDIBLE!"
Max wiggled the bloodless, smooth stump where his thumb used to be and the thumb tip peeking between his fingers in his right hand wriggled in response. Then, he brought the two together and with a flourish, restored his thumb back in place and showed his two hands with all ten digits firmly in place.
"THAT WAS AMAZING! Come in, come in, mighty sorcerer! We apologize for delaying you!" The doors split open slowly.
Neil tapped Max on the shoulder, "Hey, Max, how'd you do that anyway?"
"A magician never reveals his secrets, Neil." Max replied smugly, hands in his hoodie.
They walked through the doors and saw two more familiar faces hopping off stepping staircases welded to the inside of the doors.
"Greetingth, mage, my name ith Nerrith the Cute. I am at your dithpothal." [Greetings, mage, my name is Nerris the Cute. I am at your disposal.] Introduced the lisping one. She looked just like Earth-Nerris except her braces had been replaced with a complex mess of glistening metal wires embedded with stones and gems glowing slightly, her fake pointed hat was definitely more realistic than the cardboard one, and she had on an overly-large dress robes barely shrugged onto her frame.
"And I am the Amazing Harrison; Magician Apprentice of Oz!" Harrison exclaimed. He looked just like Earth-Harrison right down to the stupid top hat, but the main difference being his cape was definitely more expensive material. The "magician apprentice" started waving his hands and a flash of flame erupted from his palms… along with a pair of dice, a couple playing cards, and a live dove or two.
"…"
"Er… ta-da?" He mumbled.
"Yeah, 'kay, which way to this Wizard guy?" Max commented, ignoring the fumbling and fawning alike.
"Just take the street all the way to the Wizard's Tower!" Harrison replied, pointing to a straight road that led to the towering spire in the very center of the City.
Max huffed, "Humble, isn't he?" Before trudging along the path with his three companions in tow. Nerris and Harrison both waved excitedly as they watched them leave.
They passed green-themed architecture, cars, bus-stops, and more. A pink dog was whizzing against an emerald-green fire hydrant for pity's sake. Max had to stare as people walked by in fashion that would've stretched the mind of freaking-Lady-Gaga and Doctor Seuss combined!
They came to a stop in front of another set of large, green doors at the end of the path, but before Max could sound the knocker, a voice boomed from behind.
"WHO APPROACHES?!"
The others jumped in fright and scrambled to line up behind Max as a human meat-shield. Ignoring their willingness to toss him in front of danger at a moment's notice, he sarcastically addressed the doors.
"And who the f*ck are you, oh great pair of doors?"
The voice responded in a gratingly loud voice. "I AM THE KEEPER OF THE DOORS TO THE MIGHTY WIZARD OF CAMPBELL! LONG MAY HE REIGN! LONG MAY HIS SOVEREIGNTY LAST! LONG MAY HE-"
"I GET IT!" Max roared, "Jesus f*cking Christ you'd go on all day."
"AND WHO ARE YOU, TRAVELERS? HOW DID YOU GAIN ENTRY TO THE MIGHTY PALACE OF THE WIZARD?"
"Your doormen let us in." Max replied sardonically.
"THOSE FOOLS! NEVERMIND! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE WIZARD'S TIME NOR HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT! BEGONE, FOR NONE SHALL SEE THE WIZARD!"
A gong sounded from behind the doorway and the voice was silent. The other three peered out from behind Max.
"Jeez, what a loudmouth," Neil commented.
"Yeah, well, without permission from this f*cker, we're not getting in," Max said testily. He'd come all this way to be blocked at the very end? Fat chance.
"Yeah, I get that, but he was like super dramatic about the whole thing, wasn't he? I mean, c'mon; 'None shall pass!' who says that anymore?"
"Dramatic…" Max murmured. His eyes widening. He glanced at his companion's faces, seeing his friends (and Space Kid) in them briefly. If his hunch was right.
And if his hunch was right…
Then he wouldn't appreciate what he'd have to do next…
"Ah, shit." Max grumbled. The other three looked up at him. "Okay, I got an idea, but just shut up about it and I swear if any of this gets to ANYONE ELSE, I will personally KILL YOU!"
They nodded frantically at the threat as Max cleared his throat. He grunted in his throat a few times until it felt a little raw and turned away to poke a finger to his eye (painfully) as he felt them tear up.
'Okay, think of something sad. Something sad. Something…" Max struggled. There wasn't really much in this world to feel sad about, really. Except.
He envisioned his Mr. Honeynuts buried forever if Gwen hadn't found it. Slowly rotting away. Going back to his parents' house without him. Never feeling the fluffy toy again…
There we go!
Now we're cooking!
He let his nose dribble a tiny bit and the tears build before blinking fiercely to let them stream down. He took a deep breath and… scene!
"G-guys, I-I don't know what to do!" He said in a stage-whisper. "I-I know you all w-wanted something b-but… but I just wanna go h-home."
He heard a tiny *click* as the spy-hole was opened in the door.
"I-I miss the c-camp. I miss the lake… my mom, my dad… I m-miss my friends… I-I even miss my C-Camp Counsellor and f-friend David." He started sobbing into the crook of his elbow to mask his displeasure at saying any of those things.
But the peep-hole was opened more.
It was working!
"I w-wanted the W-Wizard to get me back. I'm not from here. I-I just wanna go home."
His friends seemed to get caught up in it and rushed to his side, hugging him loosely. Nikki even went a step further and started rubbing his hair while murmuring quiet nothings about how 'it'll be okay' and 'we'll be your new family'.
"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE KILLING IT!"
They were startled out of it by the shrill voice behind them. The doors popped open and a fully-dressed Preston in even poofier pants and a poofy hat as uniform stepped out, looking manic.
"THE DELIVERY! THE EMOTION! THE PASSION! THAT WAS AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE!"
"Thanks, I try." Max said casually, clearing his throat and wiping the tears away. Nikki, Neil, and Space Kid backed up from him, in shocked silence at the sudden change in attitude.
"LITTLE SHAKY IN THE MIDDLE, BUT MY GOD YOU MADE UP FOR IT EVERYWHERE ELSE! NOW, I HAVE TO ASK, HOW DID YOU GET THE QUIVER JUST RIGHT?"
"Heh, easy, you tense up this muscle under your chin, right here, and your lip wobbles like a toddler before a tantrum," Max grinned, still wiping the tear-stains.
"GENIUS! COME ON IN!" Preston proclaimed, pulling the doors open wider as they spilled past.
They walked further down the green-lit marble hallway further into the Wizard's domain until Preston the Doorguard was well away from them.
"Max?! What the f*ck?! You were acting?!" Neil exclaimed.
"Yep."
"B-but it seemed so real!" Nikki added on in awe.
"That's kinda the point."
"That's the last time I let you draw the sympathy card!" The scarecrow accused.
The group arrived in silence to an enormous amphitheater room entirely in green gems and gold accents.
An enormous explosion shook the room from the center stage as smoke wafted from an unseen source. The smoke took on an ominous red hue as the clouds coalesced and a face emerged from the center.
The Face of the Wizard of Campbell.
[AN: Let's be honest, you can see this one coming a mile away, can't you?]