"WHO DARES ENTER THE CHAMBER OF THE WIZARD OF CAMPBELL?!" The face roared, fire pluming from unseen openings. Max's companions cowered before the mighty being like terrified rabbits shaking before a wolf. Max, on the other hand-
"Cameron Campbell?!" Max exclaimed. Suddenly a lot of it made sense. If this asshole was anything like the guy back on Earth.
The face seemed to look down at them, specifically Max, and faltered, "I, uh, I mean I KNOW NOT THIS NAME THAT YOU SPEAK, CHILD!
"I AM CAMPBELL, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL AND MANLY AND… AND VIRILE-"
"God! Shut up, already! No one wants to know that shit!" Max interrupted.
"INSOLENCE!" More fire erupted forth around the face, causing his friends to huddle closer behind Max. "FOR THIS, I SHOULD SEND THEE AWAY! WISHES UNGRANTED!"
Max was about to open his mouth again when Nikki's clawed hands clamped over his mouth and her bear-strength pinning him in place. His protests and threats muffled by her paws as he struggled against her grip.
Neil was the first to approach, bowing low, "Oh, great Wizard of Campbell! We humbly apologize for our friend Max. He is tired and, er, cranky from our journey! We mean you no disrespect! We have journeyed long and far to get here that our wishes may be granted! Please won't you hear us?"
The "wizard" (or at least his floating head) sighed, "of course they're here for wishes, he-hem, VERY WELL, SPEAK! YOU! THE SCARECROW!"
Neil flustered at being the first, "W-well sir, I've always wanted my own laboratory. Someplace I can test my theories and work away from the cornfield I've been stuck in."
"AND YOU, THE- OH DEAR GOD!" The face visibly recoiled back as he finally noticed Space Kid.
"Yay! Hiya Mister Wizard." The dismembered bits of face exclaimed, hopping up closer.
"Okay, that's, er, that's close enough, young man. NOW! WHAT IS YOUR WISH?"
"Dawwww, I'm sure someone as powerful as you probably already knows it." Space Kid gushed. Max saw the dismembered ears blush red at the tips and shuddered at the knowledge there had to be blood somewhere in there.
"ER… YOU'RE THINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND TEN," The "wizard" boomed, chuckling and grinning nervously.
"Hahahaah! That's funny, sir! But it's about my wish! I'll give you a hint; It rhymes with 'lace'!" The abomination against nature replied happily.
"… YOUUUUU WANT A NEW FAC-?"
"I WANNA GO TO SPAAAAAAAAACE!"
The dismembered face did cartwheels inside its helmet as the legs ran in circles in front of the Wizard's podium.
Max finally shrugged off Nikki and stood to the side with his hands in his pockets. "Hey, 'Wizard'-guy. Don't worry about it, he pulled the same thing on us."
"IS THIS… NORMAL?"
Max shrugged, "I'm literally in a world with moon cheese and candy cane trees. You tell me."
"fair point. VERY WELL, THEN! YOU… BEAR… WOLF… THING? GIRL-COMPANION; WHAT IS YOUR WISH?"
Nikki squealed as she hopped up, "I wanna be cool!"
"AN EXCELLENT AMBITION, MY DEAR!" The Wizard exclaimed, for once actually seeming like he meant it.
"So, are you gunna grant it, then?!" Nikkie asked, wide-eyed. Space Kid stopped his spinning to join her and Neil staring up at the face.
"UH… WELLllllll… uh… not now beCAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST WISH OF YOUR PARTY!" He boomed magnanimously, turning to Max. "I AM FEELING REMARKABLY GENEROUS THIS DAY. SPEAK YOUR WISH AND I MAY OVERLOOK YOUR INSOLENCE! TAKE HEED, FOR I DO NOT GRANT SUCH KINDNESSES OFTEN."
Nikki bounced and gripped Max's shoulder, "He's gonna do it, Max! He's gonna grant your wish!"
The human shrugged her off of him as he approached the floating face of the charlatan who founded that God-forsaken camp of his. Who scammed countless parents into sending their brats away for the summer so they could get a few months blissfully to themselves. Who made David.
"You do any wish, huh?" Max asked.
"YES! And no 'I wish for more wishes' crap." The face warned.
Max sighed. Well, there went his monkey tail (if this 'Wizard' even had magic at all), "I just wanna go home, 'kay? Not some random place on Earth, not Kansas, and sure as Hell not Camp Campbell!"
"What's Camp Campbell?" Neil mumbled.
"I just wanna go home, and stick around the couch all summer until my shitty parents send me to my bullshit school in the fall. Hell, my parents might not even be home for a month or two. I'll manage." Max continued, mumbling under his breath, "not the first time."
The Wizard either didn't hear or didn't care, "WELL, THAT IS AN IMPRESSIVE WISH, YOUNG CAMPER, I MEAN, BOY! ONE I'M NOT SURE I HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE HAPPEN!"
"Gasp!"
"That's complete bullshit!"
"I'm never gonna be cooooool. Waaaaah!"
Max didn't say anything, unsurprised cynicism predicting just this.
"S-so Max won't get his wish?" Nikki asked sadly. "What if he wished for something else?"
The head shook itself 'sadly' and a giant hand manifested to wipe away an imaginary tear (definitely imaginary, Max couldn't see a single drop of water on the 30 foot tall face… except slightly nervous sweat on its forehead). "I'M SORRY, MY DEAR, BUT HE'S ALREADY WISHED HIS HEART'S DESIRE. YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT, NOR CAN I GRANT THE ORIGINAL REQUEST. AS YOU HAVE COME AS A GROUP, I AM UNABLE TO FULFILL ONE PARTY MEMBER'S REQUEST AND YOUR WISHES ARE VOIDED!"
"NOOOOO!"
"WHAT THE F*CK!"
Max felt his blood start to boil. Not at having his wish denied, but that this con artist was denying the others' wishes, too! It was that kind of weaseling that he hated (among other things) in the original Campbell.
Well, let's up the heat.
"Oh Great Wizard of Campbell!" Max shouted, bowing low and setting on one knee. The others stared at him, wondering if it was another act, "Don't let my friends' wishes be defeated because mine is beyond your powers! I beseech you to reconsider their proposals without my request."
"Hmmm." The head thought, "VERY WELL, BUT YOU MUST DO SOMETHING FOR ME IN RETURN!"
Max 'tched', of f*cking course he'd have to do something. Like a bullshit RPG. "Ugh, fine! What's your bullshit request?"
"I WANT… er… BRING MEEEEEEeeeee… ummm…" More beads of perspiration collected above the head's eyebrows, very visible from its enormity. The figure mumbled to itself, "hmmm. That dagger hilt is pure wrought gold. Might fetch a nice sum on the Taiwan Market."
The face turned back to them, "I HAVE DECIDED! YOU ARE TO BRING TO ME THE SACRIFICIAL DAGGER OF THE GREAT WARLOCK OF THE WEST!"
"No! Max! I won't let you!" Nikki clung to Max's leg determinedly.
"IT'S TOO LATE, MY DEAR! HE MUST COMPLETE THE QUEST OR YOUR WISHES WILL BE VOID!"
"B-b-but that's suicide!" Neil-crow exclaimed. "No one's ever gotten close to the Warlock's lair and lived!"
'So, that's it,' Max thought darkly to himself, 'Try to weasel your way out of fulfilling your end of the bargain, and then if they persist and you can't bullshit anymore, send them on some 'quest' they're dangerously unprepared for. Either they don't do it and never bother you again or they go through with it and die. Either way, you come out smelling like roses. You Mother. F*cking. Bastard."
"MY CHOICE IS MADE!" The head boomed with another explosion of pyrotechnics. "FINISH THE QUEST OR NEVER RETURN!"
There were more pyrotechnics, explosions, and flashes of light as the head dissolved in the plume of smoke and the smoke stopped emanating. A loud bell sounded and the doors opened for two, large guards in goofy lime-green uniforms, but the serious, stony faces they wore outweighed their ridiculously tall, feathered hats.
Rather than be picked up and frog-marched away, they agreed to walk between them as they were escorted outside to the green lawns outside the gate.
Several minutes went by with everyone in their own private thoughts. Mulling over the events that occurred and what lay ahead if they chose to go through with it. Three were sullenly thinking about how their wishes would never be granted. One was frustrated at being caught in this con-artist's web in the first place.
He firmly believed now that this wizard had no "powers", but if this was the same Campbell, he had a way of getting back to Earth. If not, then he'd take some vindictive pleasure in bringing his reputation to shreds for this whole charade.
Nikki-beast looked at Max's frustrated face and misinterpreted it. "Hey, Max, don't beat yourself up, okay? Without you, none of us would be here in the first place."
"Yeah," Neil agreed, "I don't know about you, but I think he might've just been looking for an excuse to not grant some of us (he glanced at an inattentive Space Kid) unreasonable requests."
Max sighed, "Neil, trust me, my home is way farther than where Space Kid could've gone. But that's not the point." He stood up from where they were sitting, "Which way to that bastard's castle?"
"WHAT?!"
"Max, you can't be serious!"
"Why not," Max said, shrugging, "If I die, I die. If I do it, I go home. If I don't do it, I'm stuck here forever." Laid out, his options were pretty low.
"B-but it's not that bad here, Max." Neil tried.
"Yeah! We've got tree climbing and vine-swinging and frog chasing-"
"Bobbing for apples!"
"Splashing in the watering hole!"
"Corn mazes!"
"Eating entire tubs of ice cream until your body fills up and it starts leaking colorful sludge!"
They stared awkwardly at Space Kid for the last one, who was completely oblivious to the attention.
"Yeah, hard pass." Max said, returning to the conversation. "I've got places to be back home, things to do, things to not do, people to torment, y'know."
"Any friends?" Nikki asked.
Max glanced over at Nikki-beast, Neil-Crow, and Creepy-Space-Kid and saw some brief phantoms overlap their images. He sighed, "… yeah, I think so."
The three companions shared a nod, "Then we're coming too!" Nikki shouted.
"What? No! You'd get killed! You said it yourself!" Max argued.
"Nope! Too late! You're getting home one way or another and we'll help too!" Nikki grabbed Max and hefted him over her head, his protests ignored by the much-stronger chimera.
Space Kid ran around excitedly in circles. "Yaaay! We'll all get our wishes, or die trying!"
They marched towards the exit to the Chartreuse City.
Except for Neil who was still nervously standing in place.
"D-die? Oh, dear Luna, what've we gotten ourselves into here?" He asked the sky as he shuffled after.
AN: Admittedly, I like Space-Kid. He's so sweet and I enjoy writing his lines. Even if I made him an ungodly-creation-like-nothing-that-should-walk-the-earth-in-daylight.
...Yeah...