Chapter Eleven – Hanging On in Quiet Desperation
July 18th
Wicke surprised me today with this journal. It's so lovely, and so is she. It has been two months since Gladion left. Wicke has been so wonderful to me, looking after me in Gladion's absence, but even she has her limits. I think she got me this journal so I could have someone, or rather something, other than her to share my feelings with. These last two months have been difficult for me, but they must have been difficult for her, too. She said she would have given me a journal sooner, but she had to wait for the opportunity to find one with a lock because it was the only way to keep it private from my mother.
Mother has been unbearable since Gladion left. She has kept me under such intense scrutiny that I feel like I can barely breathe. It helps that the only times she ever wants to see me are mealtimes, because "families are supposed to eat together," but she spends so much time criticizing my appearance and making me correct my posture that I don't get a chance to eat. Whenever I complain, she tells me that not eating will help me be prettier.
At least Wicke sneaks me snacks all the time. I don't know what I would do without her.
July 24th
Father turned forty today. Or perhaps he would have, I suppose. I always wish so, but today particularly, I wish we knew what happened to him.
Sometimes, I dream of him coming back and taking me away from mother. I know it will never happen, though. If he were going to come back, why hasn't he already? Either he never returned, or he did and he doesn't care. I don't know which is worse. I like to dream, though. It's all I have.
August 15th
Mother has been so involved in her research for the past week that she hasn't even bothered to come to mealtimes. It has been one of the more pleasant weeks in recent memory. Wicke has given me a cookie and a glass of milk before bed each night this week. I know I should be careful what I wish for, but I can't help but wish that mother never comes back.
September 1st
Mother discovered this journal today. It managed to elude her sight for six whole weeks. I'm honestly surprised it took so long for her to notice something was amiss. I'm even more surprised that she did not confiscate it, although I know that could still happen.
She was predictably furious. She asked me where I got it, and I told her I ordered it from a catalog. She accused me of stealing money from the foundation and told me she would make sure the receipt for the journal was found so that it could be returned, and she could get the money back. I'm not afraid. There is no way the finance department is going to go to the effort of looking for a single extra notebook in all of their purchases.
The lock offended her the most of all, I think, but she didn't admit it. She went on and on about how I would get my bedsheets dirty with ink, and how writing so much would make one of my hands larger than the other. Those reasons were both nonsense, even for her. I know it's because she can't stand the idea that I have secrets, because they could be negative things about her.
They are, of course. She's not stupid. Neither am I.
September 4th
Mother tried to give me an early bedtime as a way to ensure I cannot write in my journal. Evidently, either she or one of her scientists has some way to turn off the electricity in my room, so it has been lights out, literally, at 8:30 for the last two nights. Fortunately, Wicke is resourceful as ever. She has a handy pen with a flashlight for a tip, which she gave to me. For now, I write beneath my sheets in the dark.
September 17th
Mother's mission to force an early bedtime upon me seems to have come to an end. The electricity in my room has not gone out for the last three nights. I suppose this attempt at controlling me was too petty even for her standards. She has seemed more aloof than usual during the last week, which I appreciate very much. I have no doubt that Wicke appreciates it, too. I have had to ask her for a new battery for the flashlight pen on three occasions now. I'm glad not to have to rely on it, for now.
September 18th
It seems I spoke too soon. The electricity went out in my room before eight o'clock tonight. I suspect mother realized she had forgotten to keep up her end of the bargain for the last several days and decided to make up for lost time.
October 9th
Mother formally announced at dinner tonight that she is removing my "bedtime," as she trusts that I have learned to be responsible with my journal. Although I thanked her - I had no other option, after all - I cannot help but fear that something far worse awaits me. Things always go that way. Just when it looks like she might actually show a hint of kindness, she does something worse than she has ever done before. I hope I'm wrong, for once.
November 7th
It was Gladion's birthday. Mother did not acknowledge it, but she was even more terse than usual at dinner. I have no reason to believe that she has changed her stance that he is "dead to her."
Tonight, just before I was about to start writing, Wicke came to my room. She had two cupcakes with her, both red velvet, Gladion's favorite. We quietly sang Happy Birthday for him. I cried.
December 31st
The New Year's party was always more fun when Gladion was here. Even though mother always made us dress up, getting to spend an evening running around, eating as much as we wanted, and playing with the foundation employees was always worth the earful we got later for "misbehaving."
This year, all I wanted to do was stay close to Wicke, but Faba summoned her and forbade me from coming with her. I'm certain my mother made him do it. I returned to my room, and so I'm writing now instead of having fun with everyone else. Either way, I would be doing something that mother frowns upon.
I wish I had some hope for the new year. I don't. I'm so lonely. Wicke is my only friend. Mother is worse than ever. I wish there were some way to escape from here, but ever since Gladion left, the docks - the only way out - have been under high security at all times. I doubt that restriction will ever be lifted. Even if I could sneak onto a boat, I have no idea where I would go. I don't even know how to pilot one. On the very worst days here, though, I figure that being lost at sea could not possibly be much worse than being trapped here.
I hope Gladion is doing well, wherever he is.
March 14th
My birthday. Mother didn't even show up to dinner. Wicke did, though. She gave me an entire strawberry shortcake, all to myself, along with a brand new set of pens. It was a good day, all things considered, but I still wish Gladion were here. He was here last year. He was already plotting his escape then, I think. It was no wonder he was so distant.
The cake was lovely. I ate a quarter of it and I am concerned that it may either spoil or make me sick before I finish it. I hope it keeps for a few days, and that mother doesn't find it. The new pens are also lovely. They're calligraphy pens - look how fancy I can make my cursive now!
May 24th
Mother finally reappeared today, after being absent for three weeks. She said something about a breakthrough. I fear whatever it may be. I especially fear that it may be related to the peculiar Pokémon I saw in the conservatory today. I only caught a glimpse of it, but it looked so helpless, and so lost. I know exactly how that feels.
June 2nd
I met the strange little Pokémon today. Now that the scientists are convinced that it poses no danger to anyone, they have decided to let it roam free in the conservatory. It may be the most adorable Pokémon I have ever seen. It's like a little ball of gas with two puffy clouds for hands. Looking at its body is like looking at the night sky. I have no idea what kind of Pokémon it is. I spent half the day poring through all the volumes of the encyclopedia in the library, but I found nothing that looked like it. It leads me to think that my mother's experiments may have brought it here from some other world. If that is the case, I fear what may be in store for it.
June 30th
I have decided to name my new friend "Nebby." It's like an adorable little nebula, after all. The scientists seem baffled by it. I've only heard bits and pieces of their conversations, but they seem to think that Nebby has some kind of amazing power, yet Nebby shows no signs of having any power at all. I have no doubt my mother is behind their inquiry. I'm not sure what would be worse - if Nebby turns out to actually have some incredible power, or if it really is as powerless as it looks.
July 18th
I've had this journal for a year now. A year ago, I never would have believed that my mother would let me keep it for so long, let alone allow the contents to stay a secret all this time. I've been very lucky. This journal, Wicke, and Nebby have been the only bright spots in my life ever since Gladion left.
September 2nd
They performed some kind of experiment on Nebby today. I don't know what it was, but it must have been horrible. When I went to find Nebby in the conservatory, it wasn't there. I waited until the scientists brought it back. They wouldn't tell me what they did. Nebby was shaking like a leaf and so exhausted that it couldn't move. I sat there inside the pen, holding Nebby until one of the attendants kicked me out for the night. I cried in my bathroom for an hour. I don't know what they think they see in Nebby. Nebby is helpless. It can't defend itself. It's completely innocent. I don't know if I have ever been so angry before.
October 30th
They took Nebby away today. It was not the first time, but today, one of the scientists told me that Nebby was not coming back. I asked what happened to Nebby, and he told me not to worry, and that Nebby was in good hands. I know that's a lie, and I have every reason to worry. My mother must still believe that Nebby holds some kind of power she can exploit. I don't know how I can do it, but I have to find a way to convince her that she is wrong.
November 7th
Gladion's birthday again. Wicke celebrated with me just like we did last year. I did not cry this time, although I think Wicke may have teared up a bit. I know that Gladion would not want me to cry. He would want me to be strong. In fact, I think he was with me in a way today, helping me feel stronger. He stood up for what he believed in, and I know that I need to do the same. I just need to figure out how.
November 15th
I'm shaking as I write this. My apologies for my miserable handwriting tonight. This is, without question, the angriest I have ever been.
I confronted mother at dinner tonight about what she was doing with Nebby. As soon as I asked the question, she launched into an absolutely venomous rant about how I am a fool to love such a useless Pokémon, and that only she knows how to love properly, and that my misguided love was getting in the way of everything she had worked toward. I asked her why she cared so much about Nebby if it was useless, and she said it was for the same reason she cared about me even though I am useless - because she loves me. I told her that what she was doing was wrong and that I would find a way to stop her. She laughed in my face and told me to go to my room. I didn't even get to eat.
November 17th
She took my pens. She took everything except the journal. That was her power play. She left me with the one thing that mattered most to me, but with no way to use it. She confiscated my pens on the grounds that as she feared I would, I left some ink blots on the bedsheets, and so clearly I was not responsible enough to have them. I am certain she planted the ink blots on my bedsheets herself.
That's why this entry, and probably all others from now on, are in pencil. That's also why there's no entry for yesterday. Wicke was kind enough to find me a spare mechanical pencil. She brought it to me this evening. She hugged me while I cried. I don't know what I would do without her. I'll have to hide this pencil well.
November 28th
I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of this place. I have to get Nebby out of here, too. At this point, I'm willing to die trying.
Mother made me get all dressed up today so we could give some visitor a tour of the labs. I don't know why she wanted me to be there for the tour. Normally, she won't let me anywhere near the labs. It was probably another power play, a chance to rub her victory over me in my face. The visitor was a man who seemed like an idiot. He was dressed mostly in black and wore a chain around his neck and a pair of misshapen sunglasses on his head. He talked like he thought he was one of those rappers on TV. I don't know what he was doing here, but my mother seemed to like him, oddly.
I saw where they've been keeping Nebby. It's this wretched glass prison with nothing inside of it. From what I heard, they occasionally subject Nebby to "stress" to see what will happen. They believe that when Nebby is under enough stress, it will use its powers to open a portal to another dimension. It made me sick to my stomach. My mother is having Nebby tortured for the sake of her research.
I don't understand what has happened to her. How is she the same person who once danced with me in the rain and held me so close? Was she always like this? Was I too young to see it? How can she be so evil and yet still be my mother? I despise her more and more every day, and I despise myself more and more for feeling that way. I want to run away, but I don't want that to be the end of this. I want this madness to stop. I want my mother back.
I don't see how I can bring her back to her old self, though. She may be too far gone. I know she won't listen to me. I can't make her change. What I can do is try to escape from here, along with Nebby. My mother is not going to give up until she either gets what she wants or Nebby is killed in the process.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do something. Gladion found a way out of here. He rescued Type: Null. I can rescue Nebby.
January 1st
I had a long talk with Wicke last night. At this year's party, my mother did not bother to play any tricks on me and pull Wicke away for some meaningless diversion. Instead, I talked with Wicke until well after midnight.
I told Wicke that I wanted to escape with Nebby. She told me that not only did she think that was a good idea, but that she helped Gladion escape with Type: Null. I was stunned. Wicke must be amazing at keeping secrets. I had no idea, even after all this time. My mother must not, either. I always thought Gladion did it on his own. It feels so much more possible now that I know Wicke supports me.
I still don't know what we're going to do, but I have decided. My new year's resolution is to get Nebby out of here, no matter what.
February 4th
Wicke came to my room in the middle of the night last night. She told me to get dressed and come with her. I did, and she took me to her office. She showed me a calendar, with several dates circled.
According to the calendar, my mother is planning for another visit from that weird guy next month. To prepare for that, they are going to reorganize the labs to better display some of their more recent discoveries. The renovation is to last for approximately two weeks. During that time, Nebby is going to be kept in a separate area, one to which Wicke has unrestricted access.
The big day is March 1st. Or rather, the big night. That day is a Saturday. There is relaxed security on the weekends, as always, and especially at night. That night is also the night that the monthly supply run ship is due to return to the mainland. Better yet, that night is a new moon. It should be pitch black.
The plan is to smuggle me and Nebby into one of the empty shipping containers on the returning supply ship. Wicke has it all figured out. She has the dock schedule memorized down to the minute. She knows the exact number and storage location of the container she is going to put me and Nebby in. It's supposed to be right by the hallway, away from the eyes of the dockhands and foreman. All I need to do is keep my head down for the next few weeks and be ready to leave that night. As long as my mother does not suspect anything, this just might work.
I have hope.
February 28th
My mother suspects something. I know she does. I have been trying to act naturally for the last few weeks, but I am beginning to crack under the pressure. I am deathly afraid of what surprises she may have in store for me tomorrow night. It would be just like her to somehow sniff out my plan in advance and make no effort to stop it until she catches me in the act, just so she can gloat. I can only hope. Hope is all I have.
I wish it did not have to come to this. I wish I could do something to help my mother see the error of her ways. I'm afraid there is nothing more that I can do other than try to save both Nebby and myself. Maybe, if I am lucky beyond words, my escape will succeed, and it will cause her to have an epiphany.
I must not get ahead of myself, though. Right now, I need to focus on executing my part of the plan. I know all the times and locations for where I am supposed to be, and when, by heart. I have some supplies stashed in my bag. We are supposed to spend two days as stowaways on the ship. When we arrive on Akala Island, Wicke has directed me to seek the help of Professor Burnet. She believes this professor may be able to help return Nebby to its homeworld.
May luck be on our side.
March 4th
I'm not even sure where to start. So much has happened. I am writing this from a desk in a loft in the laboratory belonging to Professor Kukui, on Melemele Island. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I am free of my mother's clutches. Nebby is with me. We are safe.
Our escape did not go as planned. As I suspected she would, my mother attempted to stop me at the last minute. After I removed Nebby from its holding cell, she had the elevator rerouted to take me up to the conservatory instead of down to the docks. She had her guards waiting there to apprehend me. I ran from them, but I have never been a good runner. I could only run so far.
When my legs failed me, the guards cornered us. I thought we were doomed, but before the guards could lay a finger on us, Nebby began to glow from inside my bag. In a flash, we were gone. It seems I was wrong about Nebby being powerless.
What happened next is difficult to recall. My vision twisted in a way I can't even begin to describe. Everything was so quiet. I saw stars. Then, we reappeared on an empty beach in the middle of the night. Nebby immediately collapsed from fatigue. I had no idea where we were, or if we were even still in our world. The only sign I had was that the sky was moonless, just as it was back at home. Unfortunately, this meant that it was very dark. I could barely see at all. I wandered my way up the beach for hours. Before I saw the sun again, I collapsed.
The next thing I remember is a young woman shaking me awake. She was a lifeguard. The sun was up. I told her I needed to find Professor Burnet. It turned out that Nebby had deposited us just outside Heahea City on Akala Island. Professor Burnet's lab was not far away. I got lost on my way, but with some help from the locals, I made it there by mid-morning.
It turned out that Professor Burnet was expecting me, or at least expecting someone. Someone sent her an anonymous tip that a lost girl with a strange Pokémon would show up on her doorstep. I'm sure it was Wicke.
Professor Burnet was so lovely. I can barely begin to praise her enough. Without a single word of protest, she welcomed me into her office, made me a cup of tea, and listened to me for hours while I explained everything. I begged her not to force me to leave Nebby and return home to my mother. She assured me she wouldn't even consider such a thing. Instead, she put me up in her office for the night, and she made arrangements with her husband, Professor Kukui, for me to stay in the loft in his laboratory indefinitely. I slept like a rock. The next day, she did not disturb me all morning. She let me sleep right through the morning until the afternoon. I needed the rest, and so did Nebby.
This morning, we left from her lab to take a ferry here, to Melemele Island. Her husband is a strange man. He has not put on a shirt all day. I really would prefer if he did, but I'm in no position to complain. He and Burnet are allowing me to stay here for free, for as long as I need. We spent some time rearranging the loft so that it was more of a bedroom than a storage unit. This place is a mess right now, but I've never felt so welcome anywhere. I don't even know what to say. I will have to do something to thank them.
March 5th
After thinking about it yesterday, I asked Professor Kukui this morning if he would be willing to take me on as his assistant. He said "Haha, oh yeah! Woo!" I can never tell how serious he is. I have been here for more than a full day now, and he still has not put on a shirt.
March 11th
I am beginning to think the professor does not own any shirts. Also, he has made the same dish for every single meal since I arrived. I suspect it is the only thing he knows how to cook.
A peculiar little Pokémon arrived at the lab today. It is a wild Cutiefly. She seems taken with me, for some reason. I'm not sure what to think, but Professor Kukui was all too eager to welcome Cutiefly into the lab. I hope he does not intend to perform any of his ill-advised "move research" with her.
March 14th
I'm so happy right now that I feel like I could burst. I've never experienced anything like this.
I mentioned one day last week that today is my birthday. I thought nothing of it at the time. I spent the whole day today simply glad not to spend another birthday under my mother's tyranny.
To my surprise, Professor Burnet showed up this afternoon. She had a box with her, wrapped in paper. It was a present, meant for me. I told her I couldn't possibly accept it. She told me she would not take no for an answer. I opened it. Inside were three tickets to, of all things, a musical, playing in Hau'oli City tonight. I was speechless.
The next thing I knew, I was in the car with both Professor Burnet and Kukui, on our way to Hau'oli City. They treated me to a birthday dinner, at which I received a free ice cream sundae and a birthday serenade at our table. Then, we went to the show. Professor Kukui still did not wear a shirt, but at least he buttoned up his lab coat before we entered the theater.
I began crying less than five minutes into the show, and I never really stopped. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was the story of a man in Kalos long ago who was wrongfully imprisoned, released after many years, and dedicated his new life to helping those less fortunate, all while remaining a fugitive. The melodies continue to echo in my ears even now as I write. It was divine.
I have never had a better birthday. The only way it could have been better is if Gladion and Wicke could have been here, too.
May 8th
I met a boy today. Other than Gladion, he was the first one I ever met, at least formally. His name was Hau. He came to the laboratory with his grandfather, a giant man named Hala, who is the kahuna of this island. I knew of Hala from my readings about Alolan culture. What I was not prepared for, though, was how excitable Hau was.
If anything, I was hoping to maybe make a friend, but Hau made that difficult. He was so loud and energetic all the time that it was nearly impossible to have a conversation with him. He was kind to Nebby, though. This was one of the first days poor Nebby has felt well enough to play outside since we arrived here.
I'm not sure why it mattered so much that Hau was a boy. If he had been a girl, I'm sure I still would not have liked him very much. Maybe I'm wrong, though. I've never met a girl my age, either.
May 11th
Hau came by again today. His excuse seemed flimsy. He was alone this time. Despite what he said, I think it was because he wanted to see me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't particularly want to spend any more time with him, but I did not want to hurt his feelings, either, especially since he could be the first real friend of my own age I've ever made. So, I sat there with him, with my nose buried in a book the whole time, nodding along with his stories. I don't think he understood that I did not want to be bothered. I would like him a lot more if he talked about anything other than himself.
June 21st
Hau came by again today, this time with Hala. Hau invited me to come to a festival being held a couple of weeks from now in Iki Town to commemorate the start of his island challenge. He seemed very excited. I wish I felt excited for him. If I understood correctly, there is to be a battle at this festival as an offering to Tapu Koko. I wish I could have declined his invitation. I don't want to see Pokémon get hurt.
July 1st
Professor Kukui said today that we would be hosting some visitors for a while, two strong trainers who he thinks may be able to help him with his research. He even suggested that if I got to know the two of them well enough, perhaps they could accompany me on a journey throughout Alola to take Nebby to visit all of the ruins.
I'm not sure how fond I am of the idea. I don't want even more people to become involved in this. It is difficult enough already to keep Nebby hidden. Rather than tell the professor that I liked his idea, I asked him for permission to take a couple of days off so I could take Nebby to the ruins outside of Iki Town and do some research there for myself. I want to show him, and everyone, that I am not helpless. And also, any excuse to miss Hau's festival helps.
July 5th
So many things have happened, once again. As it turns out, I greatly misjudged how long the journey to the ruins would take. Even though I'm so slow on foot and I got lost, I was still there a day ahead of schedule, just in time for the festival. I never knew my sense of direction was so poor.
Nebby got so excited as we approached the ruins that it hopped out of my bag. It was difficult to keep up. I thought my legs were going to give out, just like they did in the conservatory. Before that could happen, though, Nebby ran out onto a dilapidated old bridge over a ravine and was attacked by a flock of Spearow.
I had no way to defend Nebby. I could not go out on that bridge. I was certain it was not going to hold me. I did the only thing I could think to do. I called for help.
Somehow, someone was there to answer. Only a few seconds after my cry, a boy came running up the hill, and a girl behind him. The boy asked me what was wrong. All I could think to say was to ask him to please save Nebby.
Without any hesitation at all, he ran out onto the bridge. He didn't have a clue who I was. He knew nothing about Nebby. He had no reason to risk himself to help me, but he did. The girl with him did not seem pleased with how reckless he was, especially when one of the planks on the bridge gave way beneath him. Regardless, he succeeded. He made it to the center of the bridge, and he shielded Nebby with his body.
And then, Nebby panicked, tried to teleport, and accidentally destroyed the bridge. The girl screamed. I may have, too. I can't remember. All I remember is that one moment, the boy was falling to his death with Nebby clutched to his chest, and the next moment, Tapu Koko swooped in and saved them. I saw Tapu Koko with my own eyes. We all did.
Tapu Koko left the boy a sparkling stone, an incredibly rare event, from what I have read. I asked the boy and the girl to please see me and Nebby back to town, as I was worried about being attacked again. When we reached town, Professor Kukui met us. It turned out that the boy and the girl were our guests at the lab. The boy was Ash, and the girl was Serena.
Hala decided that Ash was meant to be Hau's opponent in the battle offering, as he was chosen by Tapu Koko. Normally, I would not have been able to stand to watch, but tonight, I couldn't help it. I even shouted some advice at him that I think won him the battle, because he wasn't familiar with Rowlet's moves. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It was so strange.
July 6th
The professor asked me to take Ash and Serena on a tour of Hau'oli City while he was away this weekend. I don't know what he was thinking. I can barely find my way around at all. Still, I was determined to do my duty as his assistant. I tried my best, but I didn't do a very good job. It was embarrassing. It was even more embarrassing when Nebby escaped from my bag, somehow. I needed Ash and Serena's help to find it.
It turns out that Ash and Serena are a couple. I'm not sure why I did not realize that earlier, but the truth only occurred to me when I saw Serena take Ash by the hand on the beach. It made me a bit uncomfortable, honestly. I think I'm beginning to like Serena, though. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I think we may have more in common than either of us realize. I hope I get to spend some more time with her.
July 9th
I think I may have made a real friend, for the first time in my life.
Cutiefly likes Serena. Serena is the first person other than me that I've seen Cutiefly gravitate toward. I don't know what to make of it, but I figure it must be a positive sign.
I was trying to mend the professor's lab coats again. Serena saw how much trouble I was having, and when I started to speak harshly about myself, she put her foot down and told me to stop it, and then we went to the Pokémon Center café together.
The way she spoke to me was so different from the way anybody has ever spoken to me ever before. It wasn't like Wicke, who would always try to comfort me and tell me everything would be alright. It wasn't like Professor Burnet, who always tells me that nothing is as big a problem as it seems. Serena spoke to me as though she understood how I felt, and like she wanted better for me because she felt like I deserved it.
I had to excuse myself and run to the restroom to hide my tears. When I came back, we talked about our mothers a bit, and then Serena made a call home. It sounded like it went very well. I was in such a good mood that on our way home, I told her about the time I danced in the rain with my mother. Serena closed the umbrella that was covering us, and we danced our way back to the lab. We got drenched to the bone, but we didn't care. I had a wonderful time. I hope we don't both catch colds because of it.
July 11th
It's just like old times - I'm writing this beneath a blanket by the light of a flashlight. I am in a tent right now, in Melemele Meadow. It has been quite a day.
Ash came to my aid again. I couldn't handle the hike up the mountain. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed help. Serena even offered her help, but I refused. It was silly of me. I should have listened to her, but all I could think of was trying to run away from those goons with Nebby, and failing. I kept saying I had to be stronger.
None of that mattered when Ash came back to help me, though. I don't understand why, but for some reason, I wanted to accept his help when I didn't want to accept Serena's. I think I may have hurt Serena's feelings. She was very quiet for a while afterward. Ash carried me on his back the rest of the way to the summit. I was so exhausted at first that I didn't realize how much of my body was touching his. When I realized, it made me blush. I've never had that much physical contact with anyone before. I was really embarrassed afterward.
Nebby immediately escaped from my bag when we reached the meadow. I had to rely on Ash and Serena to find it. It took them hours. I felt so pathetic. The rest of the evening was fun, though. Ash had lots of stories to share around the campfire. It sounds like he and Serena have traveled to a lot of places together.
I don't really understand their relationship. Is this what love looks like? I've never truly seen it, certainly not from my parents. Professor Burnet and Kukui are both so easygoing that one would never know they were married unless they said so. Serena and Ash are so different, yet at times so similar. Sometimes, I feel like I could forget that they are together.
I don't know what I feel. It's a complicated feeling. It may be envy. I hope it isn't. I don't want to feel that way, especially not toward my first real friends. And yet, right now, I wish I wasn't alone. I'm the only one here who isn't in a relationship. It's so awkward. I have a lot to think about.
July 15th
Just like last week when I was being hard on myself, Serena stepped in again today and put an end to it. This time, she took me shopping. Not just for anything, though. We went shopping for clothes.
To be honest, I was terrified. As much as I despise what my mother has done to my sense of fashion, I struggle to bring myself to wear anything but the clothes she forced upon me. Serena was so kind to me. She gave me the gentle push I needed to try some new things. I didn't like any of the new colors very much, but I did find an outfit that I liked. At Serena's recommendation, I bought it. I don't know when I'll find the courage to wear it, though.
Serena was so helpful, but she also seemed a bit distracted. I'm beginning to get the impression that she has a lot on her mind all the time. I think my hunch was right, that she and I have a lot more in common than either of us realize.
I found out that she and Ash have a lot of history together. They met when they were just little kids at summer camp. Serena spent years waiting for a chance to see him again. It's so heartwarming. Honestly, it makes me jealous. Thanks to my mother, I've been robbed of having such an opportunity in my life. I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. I always had more serious things to worry about than having a childhood sweetheart. Now that I can truly see how much greener the grass is on the other side, I think I'm getting a chance to mourn what never came to pass.
July 17th
Ash and Serena went out on a date tonight. I'm glad to have some time alone in the loft to write. I've had a lot on my mind.
I told Serena about my intentions to ask Ash to help me take Nebby to the ruins on each of Alola's islands. She requested to talk to him about it first before I ask him, and I told her I understood completely. I would be asking so much of him. Of both of them, really.
I'm beginning to get impatient, though. I can't stop daydreaming of traveling with Ash. I'm certain Serena would be with us, too, but in my daydreams, I only see Ash. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is because Serena has seemed a bit more distant for the last few days. I hope everything is alright. I'm beginning to grow worried about her.
The lock turned. Serena gasped. She panicked. She stuffed Lillie's journal into her bag and scrambled to her feet. The door opened.
"Serena?"
It was Lillie. Her voice echoed through the empty lab.
In the silence that came after, Serena screamed internally. She stood in the middle of the living room with one hand clutching her bag and the other behind her back. The cushions from the sofa were scattered in all directions. There was a fresh dent in the wall. Her eyes met Lillie's, and she prayed that Lillie could not see the all the terrible truths she was hiding behind them.
"Is... everything okay?" said Lillie. Her face showed confusion and worry. "I was concerned when I noticed the door was locked."
"Oh, yes," Serena said in a hurry. "Everything's fine. Just fine, really. It's an old habit of mine from back at home, that's all."
Lillie's eyes fell upon the bare frame of the sofa.
"What happened to the sofa?" she said. "Don't tell me you forgot about Stufful, too! Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine," said Serena. "It was just a little accident. I'm not hurt. Stufful freaked out, though. It ran off somewhere."
Lillie folded her arms and shook her head. She looked toward Professor Kukui's bedroom at the end of the hall.
"Underneath the professor's bed again, I'm sure," said Lillie.
Lillie's gaze lingered on the bedroom door. Serena's heart hammered. The scene in her vision throbbed as her veins pulsed with a spike of adrenaline. There was no hiding what she had done. How long would it be before Lillie noticed?
"Is Braixen well?" said Lillie.
"Um, yes, she is," said Serena. "I actually put her in her Poké Ball to rest. I was worried that things might be getting too noisy. You know, with Hau here and all."
Serena hoped to elicit an amused reaction from Lillie. All she got was one eyebrow, slightly raised.
"Are... you sure you're alright?" said Lillie. She did not look amused. She looked concerned. "You don't look so well. You look a bit pale..."
Serena's hand moved without thought, against her will. She wiped her fingers across her forehead. They came away damp with cool sweat. She stared at them, stunned.
There was no hiding now. It was hopeless.
"Serena?"
Serena's eyes slid back into focus. They focused on Lillie. Serena opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out.
She was cornered. Trapped. Caught in the act. There was no way she could do this, and yet, she had to. She had no choice.
Lillie's face became even more worried in the extended silence. Serena shook her head. At last, she spoke.
"No," said Serena.
"No?" said Lillie. "You mean, something is wrong?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"We need to talk."
"Oh… okay?" said Lillie. She looked around for a moment.
Lillie's hands were folded. Her shoulders were tight. Her face was fraught with worry. Her eyes were full of fear. Serena knew that Lillie was not dumb. She knew that Lillie was well aware that something was very, very wrong.
"...what do we need to talk about?" said Lillie.
Lillie's question broke a silence that had lasted longer than Serena realized. It still was not enough time to think of the right way to broach the subject.
"A lot of things," said Serena.
Lillie bowed her head, tight-lipped. Serena tried to think of where to start her explanation of her mistrust and its long chain of consequences. Would it be best to start where they met, on Mahalo Trail? What about everything that happened in Monego City? Would she need to explain that, too? Would even that be enough? Why not go all the way back to the beginning, when she met Ash? Maybe it would be best to go even further back than that, all the way to the true beginning.
But before Serena decided, her train of thought was abruptly derailed.
"Is it about Ash?" said Lillie.
Serena's eyes widened.
"Yes."
Lillie, yet again, hid her eyes behind the brim of her hat. She shook her head.
"I was concerned that things might come to this," she said.
"Come to what?" said Serena.
"To… this," said Lillie. "A confrontation, I suppose."
"A confrontation?"
"Yes," said Lillie. "As much as I do not like it, yes."
"What made you think that?" said Serena.
She hoped her face was as blank and stony as it felt. It was a ploy. A ruse. A chance to play ignorant. She knew exactly why. It was only matter of seeing if Lillie would admit the answer, or if she even understood it for herself.
"I… I have had a feeling for a while that there may be, um… a number of things we needed to talk about."
"Regarding Ash?" said Serena.
"Yes," said Lillie.
"Such as?" said Serena.
She felt sick in her stomach. It was exactly the kind of leading question her mother would ask to try to lure her into a trap.
"Well, for one, I… I have my doubts that Ash was telling the truth when he said that you were okay with us traveling around Alola together."
"Oh?"
Lillie looked embarrassed to have the impetus to speak placed back on her again so quickly. She said only one word.
"Yes."
Somewhere deep in the back of Serena's mind, gears were turning. It was no wonder Lillie could not convince her mother of anything. She was a novice at arguing. She was a doormat. She posed no threat of comeuppance whatsoever.
Serena had the upper hand, and she knew it. She was not going to be bested in a battle of words. She had spent her whole life sparring with a true master. Lillie was an amateur. Serena would give no ground. She would not budge. She would make Lillie do everything.
"And why is that?" said Serena.
"I… I don't get the impression that you are very enthusiastic about the idea, despite what you have said. I thought that the reason you wanted to talk to Ash about it before I did was so that you could tell him you didn't want to do it."
"If that's what you thought, then why did you accept Ash's help?" said Serena. "Were you really that concerned about me?"
Lillie looked a bit taken aback.
"I need his help," she said. "I know I have not been particularly forthcoming as to why, but-"
"No, you certainly have not," Serena said, interrupting.
"But I really do need help," said Lillie. "I… I don't understand why you seem so resistant to this. I thought you understood."
"Understood what?"
Lillie struggled for words for a moment.
"Not necessarily my exact situation, but at least a general sense of where I was coming from," she said. "You even seemed to encourage me to do this. You told me I deserved better for myself. You told me to stop being so hard on myself, and to stand up for myself. So, I asked for help."
"I wanted you to be happier," said Serena. "I had no idea that your path to happiness was going to be to ask my boyfriend to be your bodyguard while you took Nebby on a tour of Alola."
"I know it seems that way, but... there's more to it than that," said Lillie.
"Now would be a great time for you to explain, then," said Serena.
"I suppose it would, wouldn't it?" said Lillie. She stuck her tongue between her teeth, thinking for a moment. "Goodness, I don't know where to begin…"
Serena knew several subjects which all would have made good places for Lillie to start. She said nothing. She folded her arms and waited, her eyes drilling into Lillie's skull. Despite her position, she was unsure what her next move should be. She focused on giving away none of her uncertainty. Even though she had a vague understanding of the truth and was more than ready to pounce at the first sign of inaccuracy or dishonesty, she knew she could not go on the offensive without giving away her treachery.
So, Serena waited.
"I suppose there are several things I should explain about Nebby first," said Lillie. "I have been hesitant to share them with you, or with anyone, because, well… they are rather sensitive matters. Although, I suppose you could already have guessed that, couldn't you?"
"Yes," said Serena. "That was pretty clear all along."
Lillie paused for a moment, then nodded.
"There really was no way for me to hide it," said Lillie. "Nebby is no ordinary Pokémon. Honestly, it feels silly that I have tried to keep up that illusion for so long. I'm sure you saw right through it, at least after Nebby saved us all from Ash and Greninja's Mega Tsunami move, anyway."
Serena nodded.
"I mentioned that Nebby was a fugitive," said Lillie. "Truthfully, so am I, in a sense. I never explained why, though, and I apologize for that. I should have been more forthcoming, but I could not risk giving anything away until I was certain I could trust you. Even then, I waited too long. I knew I could trust you long ago."
Internally, Serena winced.
"This will probably all sound crazy…" said Lillie. "But, um… remember how I said Nebby was not from here?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how I said that Nebby did not have the strength to make the journey from its own dimension to ours on its own?"
"Yes," Serena said again.
"Well, that's all true, but it's not the whole truth," said Lillie. "I'm sure you've wondered how Nebby managed to get here, then. I know this will sound ridiculous, but I promise you I'm being serious. Nebby was brought into this world... as a result of my mother's experiments."
Serena feigned surprise. It came out as incredulity.
"Oh?" she said.
Lillie looked embarrassed.
"Yes, really. I know how absurd it sounds, but…"
Lillie paused. She looked nervous to continue.
"But, tell me," Lillie continued. "When Nebby teleported us... did you see it, too?"
Serena's eyes narrowed.
"See what?" said Serena.
"That... beast," said Lillie.
"That thing?" said Serena. She froze. There was only one thing Lillie could mean.
With her lips tight, Lillie nodded. A moment later, Serena nodded, too. It was only once, and it was stiff, but it was a nod.
The beast. The specter of her nightmares. There was no doubt now. Its similarity to Lillie was not a coincidence.
Lillie looked like she did not want to continue, but she did anyway.
"That… thing has a name," said Lillie. "So does Nebby, actually. And that thing is the whole reason everything has gone so wrong."
Serena struggled to contain the surprise on her face. She clenched her jaw, trying only to narrow her eyes, and no more.
There was no mention of this in Lillie's journal, at least not in the entries she had read. Had she skipped over this?
"It's all part of my mother's research," said Lillie. "It's her obsession. Her muse. That thing, that beast... It is named Nihilego. She named it herself."
The name made Serena's spine tingle. Lillie also appeared to shiver at the sound of it.
"Her team of scientists gave Nebby its original name," said Lillie. "They named it Cosmog. I don't know how they managed to summon Nebby to our world, but there is no doubt in my mind that Nebby ending up here was a result, perhaps unintentional, of their experiments."
For the first time, Serena ventured to ask a real question.
"What were they trying to do?"
Lillie sighed. She also folded her arms.
"My mother… she was once a respectable scientist," said Lillie. "She used to be a colleague of Professor Burnet, as a matter of fact. So was my father. My parents were both dimensional researchers. They met each other through their work and bonded over their passion for it."
Lillie stopped for a moment. She seemed to be collecting her thoughts.
"But my mother was… over-zealous. She has always been prone to taking things one step too far, I think."
Serena was certain that was a massive understatement.
"One of her experiments to probe another dimension worked much better than she expected," said Lillie. "She found more than another dimension. She found life in that dimension. She found a Pokémon. Or at least, something like a Pokémon. It was that beast."
Lillie closed her eyes for a moment and shook her head.
"She was convinced that she had made the discovery of the century," said Lillie. "Not just another dimension, but life within it. The problem was that she had no recording of it, no data at all. She had only seen it with her eyes. And so, she became obsessed with that beast, and with replicating the results of her experiment. The problem was that for her, obsessions are more than just fascinations. They take over her life. She has always been that way."
Dots began to connect inside Serena's brain. Lillie's mother's research. Her obsession. Her muse.
Lillie, her mother's doll. Custom-made clothes. Forbidden from wearing anything else.
"She eventually succeeded at re-opening a portal to that dimension," said Lillie. "She was dealing with powers beyond her understanding, though. Her success came at a great cost. Her second encounter with that beast changed her forever. It became more than an obsession. It was as though the beast sucked the goodness right out of her soul. She lost herself in her obsession, and my brother and I… lost our father."
Lillie went quiet. Serena spoke.
"Was that why he left?" she asked.
"Yes, but… not exactly," said Lillie. "Up until then, he helped my mother with her research. He supported her in everything she did. They were a perfect team. But my mother was desperate to obtain proof for her discovery. She was convinced it would cement her legacy as the scientist who made the greatest discovery in history. Her experiment to open another portal to that dimension was risky, and she paid the price. Or at least, the rest of us did. The portal was unstable. My father… he was pulled through it."
Serena's jaw dropped.
"My mother made no attempt to rescue him. That evil beast had already warped her mind. The only thing she cared about anymore was seeing it again. She wanted to make it her own. That, and she wanted to cover up her tracks, so her experiments could continue."
Serena just stared, mouth open.
"So, I lost my father that day, but really, I lost my mother, too," said Lillie. "That was more than ten years ago."
Ten years. Serena's heart seized.
"My mother came from a very wealthy family, though," said Lillie. "She had the resources to devote her entire existence to that beast, and to cover up everything she had done. She created a foundation which was supposed to be devoted to the protection and preservation of Pokémon. Instead, it was a façade to make her look like a philanthropist and a conservationist so she could continue her work in secret. She constructed an artificial island in the middle of the ocean as a sanctuary for injured Pokémon. She called it a paradise. It was a prison. I was trapped there until I escaped with Nebby a few months ago."
It all made sense. Why Lillie could not simply run away. Why her escape, and her brother's escape, had to be so delicately planned.
"The experiments she and her team of scientists conducted there in secrecy became more and more horrible," said Lillie. She tightened her arms around herself as she spoke. "I'm sure that what I know is only the tip of the iceberg. They found more of those horrible beasts. They even created one of their own, equally as horrible, engineered to be a beast killer. My brother escaped with it before they could use it for their own nefarious purposes. Nebby's appearance also came about as a result of one of their experiments."
Lillie stopped. She swallowed, shook her head, then continued.
"When they realized that Nebby had the power to teleport between dimensions, they planned to use it to open a portal between this dimension and that one. They wanted to use Nebby to summon those beasts directly into our world. When I discovered what they planned to do, I knew I had to break Nebby free, just like my brother did with their beast killer. If they had succeeded in bringing Nihilego into our world…"
Lillie shut her eyes tight. She shook her head again.
"I… don't even want to imagine what would happen," she said. "I've seen what only a few seconds in the presence of that beast did to my mother. If it found someone truly evil to tempt… I don't want to think about it."
Serena looked down, toward her own chest, toward her rapidly beating heart.
She had seen Nihilego, too. It lingered in her mind. It hung over her thoughts like the great, gaping veil of negativity it assuredly was. Had it tainted her, too? Was it the cause of all her woes? Had it poisoned her brain, as it had poisoned Lillie's mother?
But then again, it seemed clear that Lillie had also seen it. She did not seem to be affected.
Serena shuddered at the implications.
Then, she was startled by the sound of Lillie's voice. The silence between them had lasted longer than Serena realized. It had provided enough time for tears to arrive to smother Lillie's words.
"My mother says she loves Pokémon. That she protects Pokémon. But she… she and her scientists knew that Nebby only uses its power under duress! They were going to make it open a wormhole no matter what… even if it meant torturing Nebby to death!"
As the final words left Lillie's lips, she sniffled, and she held a hand over her mouth.
"That's why I had to break Nebby free! That's why I had to escape. I… I can't stand seeing Pokémon get hurt!"
Lillie stifled a sob.
"I can't let what happened to my mother happen to anyone else!" she said. "She wasn't evil, but Nihilego madeher that way! She used to know how to love. Really love, not the twisted, evil obsession she calls love now! I know she still knows how, somewhere deep inside, but I don't know if she can be saved. I may not be able to save her, but I can save everyone else, if I can send Nebby home!"
While Lillie sniffled, trying to pull herself together, Serena just stared and stared. Now, definitively, she knew it was true. She was being sucked into someone else's story. She was nothing more than a side character in the quest to save the world.
Lillie held back the tears. She wiped the corners of her eyes.
"So, do you see why I need Ash's help?" she asked.
"Yes."
Serena's tone was sharp. Lillie froze and met Serena's eye.
"I'm sorry," said Lillie. "I… I did not mean for things to be this way. Believe me, I don't like this at all."
"Neither do I."
"I understand."
"No, you don't."
Lillie's face fell. Her mouth parted in surprise. Serena glared back at her, her face as tight as could be.
"...Serena?" said Lillie.
"I'm sick of this," said Serena. "I'm so, so sick of this."
"Sick of what?"
"Everything," said Serena. "But I'm sick of this most of all."
"But… what do you mean?"said Lillie. "Sick of what?"
"I'm sick of everything surrounding you."
Lillie's jaw hung open. She backed away a step.
"Serena!" she said. The hurt in her voice was obvious. Serena pushed right past it and continued.
"Every single thing that has happened since Ash and I got here has revolved around you, whether we knew it or not," said Serena. "The whole reason we're here is because of you!"
"I- I didn't ask Professor Kukui to invite you all here!" said Lillie. "I didn't want to drag you or anyone else into this! I would much rather solve this on my own, but I simply can't!"
"Do you have any idea what it's like to be lied to like this? To be tricked? To be pulled around thinking it's by your own free will when really, you're just someone else's puppet?"
Lillie blinked a few times, stunned. The pause gave Serena enough time both for her to realize the naïveté of what she had said and for the anger to well up in her throat. She grit her teeth. She spoke before Lillie could say anything.
"Shut up!"
Lillie seemed to shrink before her in her vision.
"I… didn't say anything…" said Lillie.
Serena pressed her fingers against her temples.
"I can't stand this!" said Serena. "You have no idea what I went through to get to this point. You have no idea how much I struggled and how much I fought to get what I have today. I don't care that you need it more than me! I will not let you take it away."
Lillie was momentarily lost for words.
"...what are you talking about?" she said.
"I'm talking about Ash!" said Serena.
Lillie bit her lip. Serena continued.
"I waited for years for a chance to see him again. I waited years again to tell him how I felt. I dragged him with me, through hell and back, to break down the walls between us so we could finally open up to each other. And all the while, I was tricked by people who were more powerful than me. Deceived. Manipulated. I sacrificed every single thing I had in order to form my relationship with him. And now, the second we get a chance to be together without anything else going on, for once, you step in and ruin all of it!"
Lillie looked horrified.
"Serena! I- I didn't do this on purpose!"
"I know you didn't!" said Serena. "That's what makes it so frustrating! All I wanted was to be with Ash, live our lives, and finally be able to make it our story. But instead, it's your story. You showed up, and suddenly you just fit into everything like it was all meant to be from the beginning. Predestined! Predetermined! This, after I've spent almost my entire life trying to take control of it! I finally get a taste of what that's like, and then it turns out the world was just playing another trick on me. It only looked like I got to be in control of my own destiny. Instead, I'm at your mercy. Do you have any idea how that feels?"
Once again, a pause gave Serena all the time she needed to know how foolish her question was.
"I-"
"Shut up!"
Serena's voice echoed through the lab. She was sure her outburst was audible from outside. She did not care. She continued.
"Do you see the position you've put me in?! You one-up me at everything without even trying! I can't complain about anything to you in good faith because no matter what it is, you've had it so much worse than me, and I end up making a fool of myself! My mom and I fight a lot. Your mom is an evil mastermind! My dad left. Your dad was sucked into another dimension! I have issues with trusting people. You have a million more reasons to feel that way than I do, but somehow, you don't! I spent my childhood alone on a farm, arguing with my mom and wishing I was anywhere else. You spent your entire life until now being held prisoner by your mother! I want to be with Ash so that I can finally have the romance with him that I have wanted for years. You need him because, apparently, the fate of the entire world depends on it!"
Serena threw her hands up in exasperation to punctuate her rant.
"Do you see what I mean?" she continued. "I just want to be with my boyfriend, but of course I just had to fall in love with the best hero there ever was, and we just had to run into you, the best damsel in distress there ever was. It's like fate is taunting me. Haha, so close! Maybe next time! More like never. I've had enough of this. I have no reason to hate you, and that's what I hate most of all! You've inserted yourself into this and ruined all of it without ever meaning to! I have nothing on you! Not one single thing! You're more gentle, more kind, more graceful, more polite, more beautiful, more educated, more worthy than I am. You have every reason to have everything go your way. The world has been incredibly unfair to you. Next to you, I have no ground on which to stand, and I am so sick of it. I've had enough!"
Tears ran silently down Lillie's cheeks.
"But- but I… thought we were friends…" said Lillie.
"I tried," said Serena. "I tried so hard. I really, truly put my best foot forward. I really did. I wanted to be friends. I wanted to help you. And honestly? I think we could have been best friends. We have so much in common. We have so much to share with each other. But the problem is that you need me to share the one thing I won't share with anybody."
Lillie sobbed. Just like Serena's voice, her cries echoed through the empty lab.
"But why?" said Lillie.
"You can't have him," said Serena. "You will not take him from me. He's mine."
"I don't want to take him! I need his help!"
"Did you not hear a word that I said?" said Serena. "I'm trapped in a story that has nothing to do with me! I'm stuck here, along for the ride while my hero boyfriend plays the role of knight in shining armor for another girl! You expect me to just stand by while that happens?"
"The whole world is in danger!"
"I don't care about the world! Ash is my world! Without him, I don't have a world! I have nothing!"
"No one will have anything if my mother gets her way!"
"Then what difference does that make to me? I lose the only thing that matters to me either way!"
Lillie clenched her fists. She swallowed, then took a deep breath. She steadied her voice, and she raised it.
"Are you serious?" she said. "Do you hear yourself? Other things matter in this world besides your relationship with Ash!"
"Other trainers exist, too," Serena said, gritting her teeth. "Find someone else! Ash is mine."
"Ash isn't your possession!" said Lillie.
"He's my boyfriend!"
"Do you actually love him?"
Serena's brow tightened to the point that it hurt. She not only grit her teeth, but bared them.
"How dare you ask me that!"
"Do you have any faith in him at all?" said Lillie. "Why are you so convinced that I'm going to take him from you?"
"I know you're falling for him, whether you know it or not!"
"I-"
"Don't even try to deny it!"
"I would never, ever get in the way of you two!" said Lillie. "I wouldn't dream of it!"
"Yes, you would."
"What about Ash?" said Lillie. "Where are his feelings in all of this? Why do you think he would leave you for me? Doesn't he love you?"
For a moment, existence halted. An icepick jammed directly into Serena's heart. She went cold. An instant later, the dam collapsed. All at once, the tears came flowing out, and Serena's reply came as something between a wail and a scream.
"No!"
Serena made no effort to cover her face. Instead, she clenched her jaw and tried utterly in vain to tough it out while staring directly into Lillie's eyes. The sobs came messy and wet, forcing their way through her teeth. Her head felt like it would split right down the center.
Lillie watched, her mouth open in shock. She backed up another step.
Serena was almost unintelligible as she sputtered through the tears.
"He doesn't love me, and he has no reason to! Look at what I've done! I've ruined everything!"
Lillie hesitated for a moment.
"But… do you love him?" she asked.
"I don't know! I've done nothing but dream of being with him for all this time, but love isn't supposed to feel like this! It's not supposed to be this hard!"
"Love is very hard," said Lillie.
Serena glared at Lillie.
"Oh?" said Serena. "And just what would you know about that? You said you didn't know what love was like!"
In an instant, Lillie's demeanor changed. She glared back at Serena. Her eyes were no longer wide with fear. They were fierce.
As soon as Serena saw the look on Lillie's face, she knew she had made a grave mistake.
Lillie spoke quietly, in a calm, deliberate tone.
"I know a lot more than you think."
Despite the tears, Serena froze. Deep within her stomach, she felt it. The charade was over.
"I choose to love," said Lillie. "Even though I have every reason not to, I choose to love."
It was all over.
"I love Nebby, even though I know that one day I will have to say goodbye forever. I love my mother, even though she has caused me nothing but pain for so long. I choose to love her. I even love you, in a way. Even if you hate me now, you were, for a moment, the first real friend I ever had. Even though you've said a lot of hurtful things today, I don't hate you. I choose not to. I choose to love you, because you, and everyone, has some good inside them."
Serena cried in silence. Tears dripped from her face onto the floor below. She couldn't see. She couldn't think.
There was only one thing left to do.
"Lillie…"
"Yes?"
"Lillie, I'm… I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…"
"It's okay," said Lillie. "It may take some time, but we can work this out."
"No," said Serena. She shook her head.
"I mean it," said Lillie. "I still really do want to be friends with you."
"No," Serena said again. "There's… one more thing."
"What is it?"
Trembling, Serena reached into her bag. For one last moment, she hoped it was all her imagination, that the journal wouldn't be there, that this was all nothing but a dream.
But instead, when Serena pulled the journal from her bag, Lillie gasped and fell to her knees.
Her hands shaking and ice cold, Serena tried to hand the journal to Lillie. But Lillie's hands weren't there, and the journal fell, coming to rest open and face-down on the floor.
Lillie pulled on the brim of her giant, floppy hat with both hands, anguished tears beginning to fall. Serena shut her eyes. She could not bear to watch. She stepped past Lillie.
Serena opened her mouth to say something, but she couldn't think of anything to say. Before she could form words, her breath was stolen by Lillie's agonized cry.
Serena hurried to the door.