Chapter Sixty-One: The Fade

"You left him?!" I screech, wanting nothing more than to punch Declan right now. "How could you?"

Declan's expression remains calm, stoic, the firm set of his lips and the small twitching muscle in his forehead the only indication of his internal state. "Hawke volunteered, Ferox, it doesn't make me any happier than it does you, but his sacrifice was not in vain. His bravery is the only reason any of us escaped."

I fall silent as Declan does his duty as Inquisitor, giving a rousing speech to the Wardens. He tells them that from now on, Alistair will be taking over leadership in hopes of reforming the ranks, and that they will be helping the Inquisition. I stare at my ring. I can go there. It's how my brothers and I travel back and forth between the mortal world and the Black City, although I haven't been in the area outside the city's defenses in a long time. I can go after Hawke. Declan says more about Hawke's courage facing the nightmare demon.

Varric's head is down, trying to keep his features from showing the agony inside, and I can't bear to watch his grief. I can make this right. I look to my brother, who notices my expression and shakes his head.

"No, Ferox," Tenebris says, moving toward me.

"No? Everyone keeps telling me 'no'. Have I ever listened?" I ask him, a tear sliding down my cheek.

Varric is slower to react, but I'm already backing away from the others when realization dawns on him.

"I'll fix this, I promise," I tell them, placing my hand on the ring.

"No, please, not you too!" Varric cries, falling to his knees, his hand outstretched toward me. The fear and desperation in his eyes is the last thing I see before the world blurs.

"Forgive me, Varric," I whisper, not that he can hear me now.

The Fade is different than the last time I was here. It's likely the nightmare demon has changed this place, altered the landscape, twisting it to its own purpose. Maybe I should have stayed longer, gotten more information about Declan's experience here, but I couldn't risk Varric or Tenebris trying to stop me, and I don't know how long Hawke has.

The area around me is clear for the moment. A few wraiths hover in the distance, but no immediate threats. No Hawke, either, though. I search for any clues as to where he might have gone, but the swampy area surrounding me has a thin layer of fog above it that obscures most of the path. I bend down to examine it more closely, but still find nothing. The chill starts to set in and I rub my arms in an attempt to stay warm. I cast a light warming barrier and immediately feel better.

I look at the ring, with its pattern of silver vines wrapping around my finger. I've spent all of my charges, and it won't be of any use to me for a while. It will build up another, but not until tomorrow evening, one day after I used the first one. Of course, telling time in a place like this will be tricky, anyway. I need to find Garrett and keep him alive long enough to get us both back. My other ring catches my attention, the opal glinting dimly in the green light of the Fade. Guilt weighs on my shoulders. I'll make it back, Love, and I'll get Hawke home, even if all I can do is bring back his body.

Glancing upward, I see the Black City in the distance. Home is so close, but yet unreachable from here. When did I start thinking of the Inquisition as home? I can try to get there, but it will mean going through the city's defenses. I use the pendant, call for Hawke, but there's no response. I try my brothers, one at a time, but get nothing. Maybe it doesn't work in this place? I start walking, keeping my eyes open. This nightmare demon of Declan's sounds like quite the enemy, and I'd rather avoid confronting it directly if possible.

I wander through the chilly swamp for over an hour. I'm forced to take down a few demons during that time, but it's mostly quiet. Finally I stop at a small table with a chair to rest, the exertions of the rest of the day catching up to me. It doesn't surprise me that the table is there at all. This is the Fade, and nearly anything is possible. I eat a tiny bit of the rations in my pack, grateful I at least have that much, but I'm careful only to eat a small portion. Because I am here physically, and this is not a dream, my hunger and thirst will still be an issue.

I check the rest of my supplies: two lyrium potions Solas foisted off on me before we got to Adamant, the lightning dagger, a mostly full waterskin and the rest of my trail rations. Not much that is helpful right now, but I'm glad I at least have what I do.

I'm tucking it all back away when I finally hear something. I've grown so used to the low sound of the wind that I almost think I imagine it for a second but no, there is a definite sound. I instinctively head toward it, welcoming anything that might point me in the right direction.

I ascend a set of stairs cut deep into the earth, still careful to remain as quiet as possible. When I crest the rise I see the source of the sound: Varric is sitting at a desk, writing and mumbling as he scratches away with his quill.

"Varric!" I shout in surprise, and then wish I could take it back. There is no way that is Varric. This has to be a trick of a spirit, or the nightmare itself. "Varric" turns his face toward me, his expression grief-stricken, just as it had looked right before I left; his hand clenches to his chest, and I admit, it tugs at my heart.

"Cute," I say looking up into the dark green sky, speaking to the unseen Nightmare. "That's the best you have? I know where he is, and it isn't here."

Varric utters, "Firefly?" He pulls the hand away from his chest, and blood seeps out, covering his fingers.

I approach the apparition that has taken the face of my dwarf, brandishing my staff. "Try again, Nightmare."

The illusion fades away and is replaced with a giant spider. I slam my staff into the ground, freezing it, and follow up with a lightning bolt that leaves it twitching on its back.

Ahead, I see Cole. Another apparition. "Are we really going to play this game again?"

Cole's mouth moves. "One of them has betrayed me."

I frown. "Tell me something I don't know. That's not going to work either." I don't wait for the nightmare this time, freezing the image of my friend's face, and shatter it with a swift stab from my dagger, the lightning arcing through him.

When he falls, it returns again to what it had been, just as the other had done. I sigh. This is unpleasant, but I'd hardly say that it's unbearable.

A voice boomed out of nowhere. "Ah, Ferox the Destroyer, self-proclaimed goddess of the elements. Should I be afraid of you?" It laughs, the tone deep and mocking.

I look around for the source of the voice, but see nothing.

"I'm certainly not afraid of you and your petty tricks!" I declare, holding my staff at the ready. "Why don't you show yourself?"

"Did you say goodbye to them, Destroyer? You gave in to your power before, you will do it again - it is your nature. What little consolation your intentions will be when your hands are covered in the blood of everyone you love."

I wince. That one hurts a little. I feel Toth, restless within me. She doesn't like being here either, but I have to ignore it. Words are nothing. It's just trying to mess with me, keep me from accomplishing my objective.

I put one foot in front of the other, and I'm glad when the voice ceases its infernal derision. After a few minutes, I find myself at the foot of a cliff. A small cemetery squats behind a low fence, with several worn gravestones in various states of disrepair. I move to turn around, but the engraving of "Ferox" at the top of one catches my attention. Under my name are the words "loss of control". My fear, obviously. The others are all blank, save one: Hawke. Hawke lives then, thank goodness. His gravestone just reads "loss". Oh, Hawke, I need to find you.

I turn around, obviously getting no further this direction, not with this cliff. I backtrack for a while, passing the table where I had rested earlier, and then I spot him, slumped against a wall.

"Garrett?" I ask, moving forward cautiously, my staff still firmly in my hand. He's exhausted, covered in filth and glaring at me.

"Oh for fuck's sake, demon; you already ran through all my family, Varric, Isabela and Aveline. You think giving me Ferox is going to get to me?"

Ok, that's definitely Hawke alright. I relax my pose, and put away my staff. "Garrett, I'm a little hurt that I don't rank higher in the list after I came all the way here to save your ass."

He squinted, confused. "Dragon Girl?"

I smile. "Yeah, and I'm happy to see you still in one piece. I gotta say, after Declan's description of what happened, I thought-" My statement cuts off in a grunt as Hawke throws his arms around my waist, and pulls me down, just in time to avoid the massive insectoid leg that tries to crush us.

My eyes widen in shock when I see the size of it. That monstrosity must be the nightmare, and it has fed well, from the looks of it. By far the largest demon I've ever seen, it has taken the form of a giant malformed spider, with some kind of viscous mucus dripping from its hairless midsection. It towers over the two of us.

"Move it, Ferox, we can't stay here!" Garrett shouts, grabbing my hand and pulling me up and forward. We run, splashing through the shallow water, my feet soon aching from the cold, despite my fire barrier. There's no way it won't be able to follow us with as much noise as we're making. I hear the same deep laughter as before. This is a game to it.

"We need to find a place to hide, somewhere small enough that it can't follow," I tell Hawke loudly.

He changes directions, and I hope he knows a place that will work. We are quickly approaching a wall, a waterfall of sickly green water falling over the top of it. Garrett ducks inside, behind the waterfall, and then around a bend. There is a smaller chamber within, with a raised rock shelf high enough to get us out of the water.

"Do you think your actions matter, Hawke?" the booming voice provokes. "You've just trapped yourself inside with the most dangerous thing you could find here. She will die, too, like all the others, but not before turning on you."

"So you are afraid of her, then," he shouts back.

My eyes meet Garrett's, our breathing echoing sharply in the small chamber, lit from the faint light hitting the water below, and we both smile. I summon a small wisp to help us see better. It's a little stronger than the ones I usually get, and I'm pleased. The nightmare demon is silent again, for now, but I'm certain it's just waiting for us to emerge again.

"Are you alright?" I ask, examining him.

"Mostly. I fought that thing for what felt like ages, and then suddenly it backed off, and I heard that awful laughing again. I'm wondering if I even hurt it at all."

"Yeah, I got that impression when it was chasing us. We're just prey, a game. Why kill off a readily available food source?" I muse.

He winces, and I notice the dark stain spreading on his side. Immediately, I start the blue light of healing magic, and place my hand over his chest, knitting the wound together.

"Idiot, why didn't you heal yourself?" I question.

"I ran out of mana a while ago, and I been running ever since. I haven't been able to rest."

"You could have at least said something about being injured," I mutter, finishing the spell. "I have a couple of lyrium potions with me, but you're right. I think rest would be better for both of us." We sit together on the rock shelf and I hand him one of the potions, which he places in his pack.

"No one else is coming, are they?" he asks after a few minutes.

I shake my head. "I came on my own, and used up the last trip I had getting here," I tell him.

He sighs. "I can't imagine Varric was happy with that decision."

I hang my head. "I didn't really give him a say in it," I admit, my voice barely a whisper. "But I wasn't going to leave you like that, not when I had the power to do something."

"Ferox…" he trails off, and his features pinch in some unreadable emotion. He raises a hand toward me, but to comfort or scold me, I don't know. The hand drops without reaching me, and his expression softens, his eyes shining as they meet mine. "I don't even know how to begin to thank you. I thought that this was it, that I was dead."

"Wait and thank me when we actually get out of here."

"How are we getting out, anyway? You said you used your last trip already," he points out.

"If we can make it until tomorrow evening, around the time I used the first charge, then we'll be able to use the ring again for one trip," I inform him.

"That's it, then? We just wait?" His back hits the wall, and I can see the hope in his eyes dwindling. The nightmare's minions will be back soon, and we both know it.

"Well, I do have a backup plan, but it's a lot riskier," I admit, thinking about the Black City.

He looks at me with a shrug and turns his hand upward in question, indicating I should continue.

I sigh. "It doesn't matter anyway. We're not going anywhere just yet with that thing out there, waiting. We should get a little sleep while we can."

"You want to sleep? Here?" he questions.

I raise my staff, and the rock armor I'm still wearing from the battle at Adamant peels away from my skin, the sandy debris mixing with mud and rocks from the swamp. I coat the entryway with it and harden it to make a barrier, making sure to leave enough space for both the air above and water below to get out.

"Neat trick," he says, his teeth chattering in the chilly cave.

"Show you one better. But we'll have to be touching for this."

He raises an eyebrow, but reaches out his hand and touches mine. His hands are like ice. I allow my warming barrier to wash over him. I was right to come get him.

He gives a contented sigh, enjoying the warmth. "I have to learn how to do that one," he says. "Ferox, this ledge isn't very big. We're going to have to get pretty cozy if we're both going to try to sleep."

"Just my luck, trapped in a sea cave with an octopus," I grumble, but chuckle. "It's fine, Garrett. It's not like we haven't slept next to each other before."

He lays down on the rock shelf, scooting as far back as he can to make room for me. I settle in next to him, his arm around me as he had done the other couple of times when he moved next to me in his sleep. It feels awkward at first, but after a few minutes, we both relax.

I clear my throat. "Um...best not to mention this part to Varric in the retelling."

A soft chuckle sounds above my head. "I'm really glad you're here. When I thought I was alone, and it was over...I…"

I gently squeeze his arm. "I think I know a way you can thank me, if you were serious."

"I definitely don't think Varric would approve of that, Ferox."

I elbow him in the stomach. Hard. "Oof, okay, okay, I'm listening," he grunts.

I turn to look at him in the dim light. "Promise me that when we get out of here, you'll go find her, find Isabela. Tell her you forgive her, take her in your arms and let her know that you still love her. Life is far too short to live with regret if you can change it."

He exhales, and I see him nod. "I will, I promise."

The quietness of the Fade is soothing now, although I know that the nightmare demon is regrouping outside our shelter. I'm finding myself getting sleepy, when Garrett whispers. "Ferox...do you know what happens if you fall asleep in the Fade?"

"Nothing happens, just sleep."

He exhales. "Nothing sounds pretty good right about now."