Behind Black Curtains
An AU, Sephiroth and Tifa fanfiction
- by Amaranthos-
Chapter 27: Fallen Instruments of War
He's gone.
He left me to play with the destructive feelings of my heart. And it feels much like a poison that buries itself deep into the folds of my being, inoculating my senses into a deep daze of uselessness.
For over two hours I have done nothing but silently sit in this chair and broodingly stare at the ceiling, counting every crevice, every crack, every scratch, and no matter how many I count, no matter how many I discover - they cannot match the numbers I wear. Blankly, I stare at the world, empty from any solution, resolve and perspective. I quiet my voice deep within myself and drive myself into an unknown insanity that fills my soul with a melody of darkness and soundlessness.
I'm all alone inside myself, to hear the words of my imagination craft things against me, to cut me and hurt the thing I once adored (Sephiroth). And my conscience, much like that of a cruel audience berates me openly for the level of stupid I have committed. And in some way, it is with hurting, and falling apart, I confess ….
"Perhaps I am …a fool" and it hurts every fiber of my being, from core up to learn he's gone, and its vetted when he says, it's over. But why?
I could never begin to imagine what stirred him into such discontent. I couldn't surmise why he was so angry, why he would snap so heatedly at me, and then to augment the situation into more of a dilemma, he violently spits words and charges his weapon to my body. Why?
I cry. I cry so hard and alone, and it only stirs me more into confusion, more into the abundance of hopelessness and turmoil. Whatever joy I conceived in this stark world call Black Crescents, was given to me through him, and now he's shattered it, for his selfish reasons, unknown.
It's 8:15AM, Monday morning at Black Crescents. The place for some reason is in absolute confusion as people bustle by with noisy voices and clattering feet. I blink at the door, as it's been two hours now since I've seen him.
He left quite early today.
I stiffen. He left me…
Biting back the urge to cry, I'm surprise when the door quickly flies open. Looking up hopefully, I see it's… him – Rufus. My expression of glee drops, and he notices it momentarily. He fixes his jacket and then pauses in the archway.
"Good morning, my dear" he starts, always so well mannered.
"Good morning" I reiterated, my voice hoarse from all the screaming and crying the night before.
"I hope you've had a good rest, because I have a big day planned for you. One of my guests and good comrades of the war, has arrived for a small stay. I do hope to introduce you, after all, you're quite the capture" he explains…
I look down. Rufus Shinra, must be the world's most confusing man. He is not at all easy to comprehend in what he sometimes does, or what he asks. Could it truly be, he is more stupid or perhaps, is it all trickery? Not counting the latter out, I look up, my expression stern.
"Your comrades and aficionados of war, are not of my interest." I started…
He sighs tiredly, "My dear, I'm in such a good mood, I really don't want you of all people destroying that for me. I'll make it simple, greet and meet the people that make our team, and you can have the rest of the day, locked up and forlorn in your room. Does that sound good?" he asks, sarcastically.
Surely I could hear condescending in his speech loudly. He was chastising me for the fact, I didn't want to see his bloody officials of war. Why would I? Especially when all of them are painted just like… 'him'
"I guess that should do" he finishes the statement and two young maids enter the room behind him, one with a dress, and the other with instruments to comb my hair. I arched a concerned brow.
"Are you ready?" the young maid asks…
Ready for what?
Every step I take closer and closer, made me feel weak. Why was I walking this way, why was I attending a small private meeting? Right now, I wasn't in the mood to see anyone. I didn't want to walk, I didn't want to smile, all I wanted to do was cry. Disappear maybe, and it seem, I would not have my way.
Laughter and loud talking could be heard down the hall and almost immediately I stiffened myself, getting ready for the unknown. Knowing Rufus, his meetings are not what one would expect. Call it unorthodox.
Taking a breath, the guards around me escorted me to the small gathering of people.
The guards bow at the officials and Rufus departs them.
I look around me and I see faces that I don't know. New faces to Black Crescents. An old man who looks much like a General, and two young commanders either side of him, indulging themselves in the alcoholic beverages and flirting with the maids. There are a few young soldiers, perhaps from a different faction, also arrived in the hall.
There's also Velrog and Rufus and not to mention, he was missing from the general ambience.
"My friends, this is Arthur Lockhart's daughter - Tifa Lockhart" Rufus Shinra starts.
At such social gatherings, I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. Do I drink and shake hands with people who are technically my enemies, all for the sake of common frivolity? Or do I disengage all together, become something cold and stern.
They all smile and some laugh, and for the most part I look down when the young commanders eye me mischievously.
"Unbelievable! I can't believe you captured her" the olden man pats Rufus' back.
"Hope she's not a nuisance like her old man" comes the irritating reply from the old geezer.
Immediately my head shot up, "how dare you? My father is no nuisance, you vermin" I spat back, somehow the fact he saying such a vile thing, made me react violently.
Rufus stares at me completely mortified. As if he didn't expect my sudden outburst. Somehow, I don't care.
"If you would excuse us" he laughs nervously, and grabs me by the arm.
He begins speaking in undertones about what he'll do to me if I don't conduct myself with some better manners. And then not far from me a door opens, and I look up. In front of me is a sight that shakes me to my core; a sight I cannot bear to watch, and yet… I'm staring. Frozen…
In front of me is the sight of a young brunette woman, holding the hands of Sephiroth, as she leans her head against his arms. She smiling, so brightly and ….and he's allowing it.
Suddenly I feel like my whole core is about to shatter. All this time, when I thought he was suffering from the effects of war, I had been a fool, too naïve to not suspect this. The ultimate fact – he had other military distractions. I nodded my head.
This is why he did it. Of course… it makes absolute sense now. This is why he broke up. I understand clearly, now.
I was his plaything until she arrived. I feel so tricked, so sick, so used up. And I actually felt for him. I gritted my teeth and tears came down my face in shear anger. How could he betray me this way. How could he betray me this way?
My whole body shakes violently, and I begin seeing stars. I trusted him. I really thought he was different. But then I thought everything to be naïve and simple. And the more I'm left to satiate in a place like this, is the more, I was raped of honesty and happiness, of truth and righteousness. When you put your heart to love something so adverse to nature, like a man who kills as a profession, you ask yourself to shut down your clarity and logic, and I've gladly done it for someone like Sephiroth, only to be done this…
Only to feel like everything, every single thing is a lie.
"How dare you?" I shout out. The tears uncontrollable.
"You put me in your great halls to stand, to greet your guests who are my father's sworn enemies, and whereas it is my obliged duty as a pacifist to be trained and tolerable to the ways of men like you, you idly decompose the truth that such gatherings are a waste. I am a Red Heart, a pacifist. I would gladly stand now to offer myself, my services to help you see your ways are crooked and bent. And as I've lived here, for these many…many months" I pause to look at Sephiroth who was now looking at me
"I see nothing but a future of black and death. You don't listen to your people and you certainly don't care. I've preached so many times and yet conceiving these words of hope for fallen men mean NOTHING. And I don't care anymore." I shouted.
"I don't care. My father will kill each of you for the torture you've dubbed onto fallen men. You crooked things, I will spit on your graves one day. You devices – you're all pulled puppets stringed by your drugged leaders and they perverse you into thinking a tomorrow of bright will come." I shook my head, "there is no tomorrow for you men like you." I finished, "especially… for you" I pointed at Sephiroth.
I narrowed my eyes at him. Now, more than ever I was angry at Sephiroth but to be honest, I wanted him dead. As solemn and final as it sounds, I wanted him dead. So I could feel peace. Looking at him with this strange woman, invites me into the composition of pain and hurt. I've done nothing but been hurt and patched up in Black Crescents, and I'm afraid I can't do it anymore. I've come to the last of my frail being. I can't patch no more, I can't bandage myself from the mental wounds I've gathered. It's just too much. Too hard.
All I wanted was peace… and it seems, fate has abandoned me.
"General Sephiroth, please escort her back to her room. That will be all from Ms. Lockhart, today" Rufus Shinra solemnly states.
Sephiroth deftly approaches me, untangling his hands from the woman. I stared at him incredulously.
"Commander Aerith, I do apologize for Ms. Lockhart's behaviour" Rufus apologized.
Sephiroth gruffly takes hold of my arm, but I begin to pull apart.
"Do not touch me, you monster" I twisted and turned violently in his hold.
He grabs me tighter, but I won't give him the impression any longer that I am weak. No, I would no longer stay silent.
"Enough, onna (woman)" he shouts
Tears fell down my cheeks, "you cruel, man…" I screamed at him.
He pulls me away and carries me down the hall. I scream and fight, and quarrel and curse, and bite and bawl at him, and still he remains devoid and complacent. Neat and combed. I try so hard fighting him, but he's so strong. I look at him, and all my pains return. How could he do me this, how could he do something so vile?
He opens his door and pushes me in. He enters and locks the door behind us.
"How dare you make a scene like that?" he started…
"How dare you for using me." I shouted at him.
"Once upon a time I hurt you very bad, Lockhart. Trust me, I will reiterate if necessary." He pauses to see tears fall down my cheeks, "Know your boundaries, and stay in them if you want to live" he orders.
"Why Sephiroth, why did you do it?" I asked..
"Do what?" he asks…
"Why did you use me, when you had her" I paused, "Aerith, I believe she's called"
He narrows his brows and then relaxes them.
He grunts and then looks at me, "you should mind your business Lockhart. It will save you great grief" he explains.
I shook my head, "no..no it won't. Yesterday when you ended whatever little faint friendship we had, you truly crushed me. I thought, it was your insecurity as a soldier of war, and I felt sorry for you more than anything" I paused…
"—Don't. Keep your sympathy" he coldly adds.
"But now I know. You ended it because of some old girlfriend from your past returns. You prefer throw away everything so no one will suspect us into such a friendly collaboration. You throw away everything we shared together." I shouted…
He draws closer, "and what did we have Lockhart?" he asks, coming closer. He leans me against the wall, pressing his body against mine, "what did we have?" he whispers icily into my ear.
"No Sephiroth. Our relationship wasn't built like that. I actually liked you because I saw the hurts and pains of a man I never expected to" I explained…
"What you see pacifist, is a lie" he seethes his teeth.
I shook my head, "I trusted you Sephiroth. You were suppose to be different. You weren't suppose to do this" I paused to look down. Tears slowly rolling down my cheeks.
"Listen, and listen well you foolish pacifist. I am not interested in you or your foolish memories you keep." He informs…
"You took away my innocence" I whispered, looking up at him, pathetically with tears in my eyes…
He stops and takes in the gravity of my words.
He leans into me, and stares at me. Gently he places a hand on my cheeks, and wipes some tears away.
He was so close to me, and the more I felt hate for him and wanted him dead, was the more I could not deny what I felt for him was real. It was so real. So discernible. He's so close to me, I could hear his heartbeat. He intently marvels at my eyes and then lowers his cautious gaze to my lips.
All I wanted to do was rip away from him, but I could not deny – after everything he's done. I still crave his touch, I crave his breath against my lips, against my skin. Something so immoral as to love a man I should hate, highly makes no sense to the logical, and to me – a broken pacifist of a fallen time it makes all the sense in the world.
It makes sense I should fall for a man, who is the worst and best in his field; that I should fall for an enemy of war. Where I should savour in his touch and lewdly take to his body as he gladly takes to mine. And it's scandalous when you consider a man of his pedigree to a woman of my caliber. But we are fallen. Fallen instruments of war.
He touches my lips with his gloved fingers, and I want it. I want him. No matter what fallen dark thing he is, I am his fallen dark thing too. For he has made me and consumed me into his darkness, and now I wear the mark of being his.
Has my entire life, now been a waste when I grasp the reality I've allowed the Greatest Evil of life, the Greatest Murderer of men, to enter my innocent body and salvage pleasures, unknown. And I remembered the way I felt when he took me into bliss. I loved it, every waking moment, every second, every heartbeat.
And if he is the Devil, I've been betrayed to everything I've known, as even the Devil can give love to a woman like me.
He comes closer, his lips so close to mine, and I close my eyes. There was no way to explain how much I was hurting. I felt absolutely broken and destroyed. Every muscle in my body quake and hurt in such a unique way, I fear my own demise. And in the silent patter of our heartbeats, somehow I feel strangely rested as Sephiroth comes closer, to kiss me, and consume me into his darkness.
A small knock comes to the door, interrupting our fragile moment.
Then comes the voice.
"Sephiroth-sama… can I come in" comes an extremely feminine voice. It was Aerith no doubt.
Sephiroth stares at the door and then slowly turns to me.
"I can not be with you. You must understand." He ends.
He leans off and goes to the door. He takes a deep breath and opens it. Immediately the brunette jumps on him, and she hugs him tightly.
Looking at her, I envy her – I envy how she holds him, how she smiles and giggles so freely and publicly. And all the world around her, doesn't mind. Except for me.
Sephiroth leaves the room with the young woman.
With a silent click of the door, it's closed and in dread I slide down the wall.
I don't know what to do.
Do I cry, do I bawl…do I stay quiet? Do I go mad? What do I do?
No answers come to me.
It's just me and the silence…
To be continued...