Welp, now to lose all my followers. In my defense though, I did put 'Crack' and 'Black Comedy' in the description for this fic.

Adn when the relevant time comes, think almost but not quite 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'

-OOO-

Blake awoke first, again. She didn't really have any desire to do anything but lay there. And Weiss had wrapped her arms around Blake's stomach and had drooled into her back the past night.

Weiss woke up.

"Bla~key!" Weiss mumbled.

She pressed her face against Blake's back and rubbed her nose on Blake's pajamas, side to side, over and over. "It's a beautiful morning and a bright and sunny day, and there's nothing else I'd rather do than spend it all with Bla~ake." Weiss sang.

Blake stifled a smile.

Then Weiss leaned back and sat up and fixed her eyepatch and pulled Blake up too. "It's Saturday, Blake! What do you want to do?"

Blake blinked.

"We can sleep in, or we can run around the mansion flailing our arms (as long as we don't disturb the weekend staff), or I can read to you, or maybe we can go shopping in town? Does any of that sound fun, Blake?"

Blake tried to make her stomach growl to make her intent clear.

Weiss hugged Blake's head with her arms and cheek. "Or we can just sit here and snuggle."

Blake weighed her options.

At some point there was a knock at the door.

Weiss hugged Blake harder, protectively. "That's just the weekend maids, Blake. Don't- don't be afraid of them-"

The door opened. Four maids entered. There was a tall one, a stocky one, a young one, and a gaunt one. The stocky one began collecting laundry, the young one straightened the books and dusted the desk. The gaunt one ducked into the adjoining bathroom.

"Good evening, m'lady," said the stocky one, with a curtsy.

"H-hello-"

"Whispers from the serving quarters tell that you have, aha," said the tall one, "Procured yourself a new, aha, personal maid. Full time personal maid."

The gaunt maid peaked a head out of the bathroom. "Oh, is that why I just fished six feet of wavy black hair out of your shower drain?"

The gaunt maid was ignored. The tall maid's eyebrows danced. "So we'll just get her prepared for you."

The young one and the stocky one finished up their tasks and took Blake by opposite arms and lifted her out of the bed.

"Nooo~!" Weiss said. Weiss hugged Blake's waist and was dragged along with her when Blake was pulled partially out of of the bed. "She's not a maid! She's- she's part of the family! Or she will be,-"

The maids released Blake. Blake rubbed her arms for show, but they didn't actually hurt.

"What, so she's your new sister or something?" said the tall one.

"Noooooooooo~! Sisters are dumb!" Weiss folded her arms.

"So she's your baby or something?" said the stocky one.

Blake stuck her tongue out. Weiss giggled. "No, not that one either."

"Or a real life stuffed animal?" said the gaunt one.

"Well, she's not stuffed now." Weiss poked Blake's rumbling stomach. Blake looked in Weiss's eye and thought she glimpsed true understanding.

"So you saw her on the street and just had to take her home?" said the stocky one.

Weiss smiled. "Yes! Exactly."

"So like a press-ganging? " said the tall one.

"That'd make 'er yer conscript then, it would," said the young one. The maid's eyes widened as two thin arms painted an imaginary panorama. "A legionnaire, doomed et'ernally to forlorn for'n shores."

"Noooooooo~" Weiss shook Blake. "She's too fluffy for that."

"Then wassat make 'er, then?"

"She's-" Weiss turned to Blake. Weiss closed her eye and smiled contentedly and put her arms around Blake's torso so that her chin rested on Blake's left shoulder. "She's my Blakey."

Blake did not dispute the hug. She glanced between the four maids. She patted Weiss on the back.

"So wossat entail?" said the young one. "Dast the missus mind?"

"Mom says she's fine with it-"

"Does she even want to be here?" said the tall maid.

"She does!" Weiss said. She turned to Blake. "Don't you just love it here, Blake?"

Blake blinked.

"See? That means yes." Weiss smiled triumphantly.

"Fer truth? 'cos she looks mightily miserable."

Blake blinked.

"Nooo, that's just how her face looks." Weiss straightened her posture and closed her eye. "Some kitties just look grumpy all the time."

Blake blinked again.

"But I know how to make her smile." Weiss stuck both her palms on Blake's cheeks and pulled her mouth in opposite directions.

Blake sat there for a while, letting Weiss manipulate her mouth.

The tall maid coughed. "I don't think a 'Blakey' is a common enough term to completely relay her role here."

"Well," Weiss said, "She goes and be's my friend and I feed her and teach her things and we play with each other."

"'Play with each other'?" said the tall one, pointedly.

"Yes!"

"And you teach her," lilted the tall one, "what kind of things?"

"Like, everything! I already taught her how to walk and how to read the letter 'A' and how to eat vegetables."

Blake's face flattened.

"And besides," Weiss pulled back and crossed her arms again. Blake rubbed her mouth. "It doesn't matter what she is now. By the end of today she'll officially be a Schnee."

The maids blinked. "Really?"

"As soon as the papers get in." Weiss straightened her back.

"Couddat perchance be these one's 'ere?" The young maid pulled out an envelop. "twas on the doorstep, directed to the young missus."

"Oh my gosh yes!" Weiss stumbled out of the bed and ran up to the envelope. She plucked it out of the maids hand and waved it towards Blake.

"It's here, Blake! Look!" Weiss waved the envelope in front of Blake. "Look at it, Blake!"

Blake blinked.

"Aren't you excited?"

Blake stared.

"Blink if you're excited, Blake." Weiss said. She looked into Blake's eyes.

Blake continued to stare. Her mouth twitched.

Weiss blew into Blake's eyes. Blake didn't blink.

Weiss put her thumb on Blake's lower lip and opened and closed the outside of Blake's mouth. "Why yes indeed, Weiss, I'm quite excited."

"Why's she got an accent?"

"Ain't no reason for to 'ave an accent," said the young one. "Nun wasserever."

"And wouldn't she have a Faunus accent, if she were to have one?" said the stocky one.

"Don't you all have other things to do?" Weiss said. She frowned and clutched Blake.

"Oh, but what could be more interesting than you and your new... Blakey."

Weiss's grip grew tighter and her breaths sharper. "It's none of your business. Y-you all are dismissed." Weiss said.

The maids shared glances and shrugged. They left the room.

Weiss hugged Blake again, and her breathing steadied.

Weiss carried Blake into the hallway. Blake could see at least two members of the staff straightening picture frames, sweeping the floors and dusting the ornaments. Weiss put Blake on her feet in the middle of the hall and started going on about something.

"It's so great to be a Schnee, Blake! Especially on the weekend, when we can do anything!" Weiss said, "It's so exciting, Blake! You know what it's like?"

Blake blinked.

"Here, allow me to explain in song!"

Blake blinked.

Weiss snapped her fingers. A piano was brought out into the hallway. Weiss skipped up to and slid on the lacquered bench until she was at the optimal location to play a C major riff.

"Ooooh~ I know life can be tough for many people," Weiss sang, looking towards Blake, "And you don't know where your time and money went~"

Weiss then accurately described the life situation that Blake used to have and that many of the people in her parent's labor union still did.

"But the road's paved with gold and all pretty things," Weiss leaned back. She swung her right arm in a wide ark, above her head and then to behind her, where Blake was.

"When you're the one per~ceennnnnt!"

Weiss stood up and grabbed Blake's hand. Weiss pulled her forward, and the upper half of Blake's body moved first. Weiss pulled Blake from the second story hall into the grand foyer, up behind the balcony that overlooked the front door. Somewhere behind her, some of the maids started playing brass instruments; at least one tuba, a trombone, and maybe some drums. The song proper started.

"You never have to worry about all your wants or needs~," Weiss sang. She gestured to the air, non-specifically, alternating between her right arm and her left arm, turning her head to the direction she gestured. "'cause we're no proletariat, Blake, we're the bourgeoisie! Even all those mangy haters down in Grand Menagerie~"

Weiss grabbed both of Blake's hands and held them up. "They're like, 'Wow, it's great to be a Schnee!'"

Blake blinked.

Weiss pulled Blake by the hand towards the balcony. Weiss leaned against the railings with a theatrical fold of her arms.

"You've got power and respect and people do just what you want~," Weiss snapped her fingers and a maid appeared with a burlap sack with a giant lien sign on it. It clinked as Weiss shook it.

"And obstacles just go away with utmost nonchalance~," Weiss twirled around, reaching into the sack and flinging shiny metal disks all around them, and especially over the edge of the railing. Several of the backup dancers stopped dancing to pick them up and pocket them.

"Because money's what we have and it's what other people need! And it why it's just so great to be a Schnee!"

Weiss turned to Blake and smiled. Blake blinked. Weiss hugged Blake, briefly.

Weiss then stood up on the railing, gesturing to the front window. The silhouette of the city could be seen among the morning smog.

"Other people scrimp and save their winnings in a heap~." Weiss gestured out grandly. She took three steps along the railing and then spun on her left foot, ending up facing where Blake looked on. "And risk it all and when they lose they can do naught but weep. But we don't have to risk a thing; we've got the funds to spare! And if we flop, we'll get bailed out 'cause we're to big to fail, Oh~!" Weiss then took a step backwards off the balcony, disappearing from view.

Blake ran over to the railing and peeked over it. Weiss had been caught by some of the backup dancers and was arching her arms above her and standing on the tips of her toes and spinning.

"Every day's a hedonistic blur of luxury~," Weiss was being swarmed by maids. She looked up and gestured towards Blake, and Blake took a step back from the railing. A couple maids then picked Blake up by the arms. Blake struggled and hissed at them. They tossed her over the railing.

Four maids caught Blake before she hit the ground. Then they flung Blake into the center of the room, where Weiss was currently obscured by several maids. When they twirled away, Weiss was wearing an elegant white dress with silver detailing.

"When every whim you think or feel can be reality~," Weiss turned to Blake and clasped Blake's hands in her own again. Blake blinked.

"'Cause money's what we've got and it's the way to live your dreams~" Weiss then gestured grandly, again. "And it's why it's just so great to be a Schnee!"

Weiss held out her arms. Two maids slid into close quarters on each side of Weiss and locked arms with her. They kicked their right knee in unison, and then did the same gesture but with their feet out. Then they switched legs, and then they spun away.

"When all your needs come pre-fulfilled as far as you foresee~," Weiss tried to waltz or something with Blake. Blake looked down to her feet but still ended stepping on Weiss's toes. "You're liberated from the pain of life's uncertainty~,"

As Weiss led Blake around in half a pas de deus, four pairs of maids appeared at equidistant corners around the two of them, mirroring the intended dance moves. "Pinned betwixt twin sins of avarice and gluttony, oh Blake you'll never hate being a Schnee!"

Weiss pulled Blake towards the front gate, letting go of Blake's hand a few times to do some jumping thing and spin. Weiss ended up in front of one of the security guards; stern and wearing sunglasses, feet apart with hands behind the back.

"And cops will never point their guns at you- they're always so polite!" Weiss waved to the guard. The guard smiled grimly and pretended to tip a hat. "They'll never pull you over when you're walking home at night. And even if you break the law, they'll keep true to your rights~"

Weiss spun a couple times and landed with her hands beckoning to Blake. "Because laws are written and enforced exclusively by -people from a homogeneous and often insulated culture with specific ideas of what looks like probable cause of criminal intent and the non universal nature of this culture increases the likelihood that they are unequipped to optimally implement the intended rule of law outside said culture, but since the Schnee's are from this culture, we get to experience full protections of the legal system as it's intended to work."

Blake scrunched her mouth to the side.

Weiss did another jumping thing as she pulled Blake back into the center of the room. A group of maids were aligned on both sides of them, frozen in aggrandizing poses. Each pair sprang into another piece of choreography the moment Weiss and Blake passed between them.

"Oh, everyone accepts your ev'ry eccentricity~,"

Weiss dragged Blake by the hand to the base of the balcony. Four maids bowed at the corners of some rectangular block. Weiss pulled Blake onto it and gestured to the sky.

"And you can have just what you want and be just what you'll be~,"

Blake grabbed Weiss for balance as the block ascended, up to shoulder-height of the four maids holding what turned out to be some sort of litter.

The maids formed concentric circles, spinning at different speeds and in alternating directions.

"You'll be blown away, like MLKJ 'cross the balcon~y~," Weiss gestured grandly to the paean of dancing serving staff and then to the air. The maids followed the gesture with their own arms.

"When you see how great it is to be a Schnee!"

There were two staccato beats during which the maids got to their feet. Weiss picked Blake up by the armpits and held her out in front of her above the dancers, like some kind of baby lion.

"Oh, when you see how great it is, you're gonna be elated- it just can't be debated, and you're never gonna hate it-"

The music crescendo-ed to the finale and Weiss held Blake out as far as she could. Blake's head slumped into her shoulders by virtue of being held by her armpits.

"When you see how great it is to be a Schneeeee~!"

Weiss held the note for a long time. The maids and security guards and assorted staff finished up their choreography in a bow, focused around Blake. Then the music stopped.

Seven seconds after Weiss finished her last note, the litter descended. Weiss picked Blake off the litter and the maids dispersed. Blake overheard some of them talking about something about contracts and payment and a union of some sort.

Then Blake was hugged to Weiss's chest.

"So what do you think, Blakey?" Weiss said. Weiss released the hug and smiled expectantly and stared into Blake's eyes.

Blake cleared her throat. "flat during chorus. unsteady tempo."

"Nooooo~," Weiss laughed in despair, or perhaps delight. She shook Blake. "I meant what did you think about being a Schnee? Are you excited?"

Blake blinked.

"Because it's gonna be so great, Blakey." Weiss ripped open the envelope and pulled out a tri-folded piece of paper. "Maybe it won't feel real for a while but just you wait, Blake, you'll be a natural Schnee in no-"

Weiss paused. She stared at the paper. Her smile vanished, replaced by a frown.

"Moooooom!"

Weiss carried Blake into one of the mansion's studies. It smelled dusty. A yellowed light hung above a mountain range of papers. An electric glowing rectangle illuminated two human faces.

"Mom!" Weiss said, as angry as Blake had ever heard her.

The other taller Schnee was looking through some papers with the family accountant. The accountant shirked when Weiss approached, and Mom Schnee put down the papers and looked up and gave a smile. "What is it, Weiss sweetie?"

Weiss shook the tri-folded paper in front of her. "Why do Blake's papers say her name is Blake Belladonna?"

The other taller Schnee smiled. "Well, I thought the alliteration sounded nice-"

"That's not what I meant~." Weiss pouted. "I – I thought you said you'd make Blake a part of the family."

"But it is part of the family! Just like our accountant or our cook or our optics engineer."

The accountant opened an awkward mouth and reconsidered speaking and forced a smile and nodded.

Weiss pouted harder. "No I thought- I thought you were going to make her a Schnee-"

"Weiss that is utterly absurd. You know how valuable our family name is, and what our name represents. Even your father had to work his hardest to earn it. We're not going to give it to something you picked off the streets last Tuesday."

"But-"

"I understand there was some confusion of expectations. I am sorry that it occurred, but the situation is what it is."

"But-" Weiss puffed out her cheek.

"Weiss, sweetie," Mom Schnee picked up her papers and resumed scribbling on them. "I would be happy to repeat my explanations to you all day, but I am skeptical that it will satisfy you. It is what it is."

Weiss balled and unballed her fists, twice. She then exhaled. "Fine."

Weiss pulled Blake into a cold hug that softened after a moment. "It's okay, Blakey, I don't care what your last name is." Weiss gave a slight smile. She pulled Blake out of the room. "Now C'mon, Blake, let's go play until you're all cheered up."

Blake looked down at her stomach. Blake looked up at Weiss.

Blake now tried to will her stomach not to growl. She sighed.

Blake allowed Weiss to pull her back into the bedroom so they could play.

-OOO-

Thanks for sticking with this, if you choose to, and if you've been too wierded out, then that's valid as well. There won't be any more musical numbers for a while.