Chapter 8
'How do you run away from things that are in your head?'
Ally cursed herself for her own stupidity. Why couldn't she just have stayed at the entrance to the vault and stayed out of the way? Why did she have to interfere?
Facing the inevitable and knowing she couldn't put it off for any longer she turned around slowly to face him, with her eyes she tried to convey just how sorry she was. Sorry that she had moved, sorry that she had interfered and most of all sorry for what had happened to him. But when she looked up at him, he wasn't even looking at her. His eyes were fixed onto the computer screen behind her, giving her a chance to study them without being noticed. His jaw was clenching and unclenching repeatedly and she could see the steady rise and fall of his chest as he struggled to contain whatever emotions he was feeling. His eyes however, his eyes which were usually closed off and empty of all feeling, were open like flood gates, showing every emotion that he was feeling as he stared fixedly at the screen behind her. His eyes were wide and confused. He looked like he was about to be sick and his eyes glistened with emotion. He looked lost.
Ally could feel herself wanting to reach and comfort him. That was until those soft, glistening eyes turned hard and dark before they slowly swivelled to glare at her. She instinctively recoiled, stepping back as far as she could,desperate to be out of his reach but she was blocked by the table behind her. She was trapped, caged in by his predatory stare. 'I'm… I'm sorry,' she managed to choke out, holding her hands out both as an apology and as some sort of defence. Hands which immediately moved to cover and protect her head as she saw him pull his metal arm behind him, his fist clenched and ready to strike. She had seen what that arm could do. Knew exactly the damage it could inflict. Yet it was instinctive. She ducked in fear and squealed as she felt the movement in the air around her and she braced herself for the blow that was sure to come. But it never did. Instead she heard the smashing of glass and clattering as the screens behind her were pulverised by metal and swept to the floor. Glancing up from her crouched position she saw him turn his attention to the chair in the middle of the room.
He was wild. Untamed. Metal and flesh tore and bent the metal chair into pieces, smashing, bending and breaking the pieces before throwing them across the room. As if each piece that he broke and tore could ease the pain the he felt. Could wipe away the memories of torture. All Ally could do was watch. Only once in her life had she felt that sort of rage. She'd had an argument with her mother, hardly an unusual occurrence, although this time had been different. Ten years later she couldn't remember exactly what the argument had been about but she still remembered the feelings. She'd yelled at her mother told her that she hated her, then gone to room, slammed the door behind her and unleashed her anger on her possessions. She had thrown a picture frame against the wall, smashing it but it wasn't enough. She took the photograph and scrunched it up before ripping it into pieces. An ornament her mum had given her was thrown across the room. She had been beyond reason. Breaking, tearing and throwing everything that came within her reach. When it was over and she'd looked around at the mess that she'd made she felt overwhelming shame and stupidity.
There was no point in trying to stop him. Not only would it result in her getting hurt, probably thrown across the room along with a computer screen but it was also pointless. It would only make him angrier. As a teacher she'd seen enough children having tantrums to know that they had to come out of it on their own. Feeding into would only make it worse. Not that it made it any easier to watch. She stood cowering in the corner of the room, occasionally dodging debris that would come flying in her direction. Not that it was deliberately aimed at her. She knew that he wasn't seeing anything other than that chair in that moment.
When the chair was completely destroyed, a mangled carcass in the centre of the room, he finally stopped. His back was turned to Ally but she could see him breathing hard, his shoulders rapidly rising and falling and as he fought to gain back the control that he had lost. Somehow she knew that he wouldn't be feeling the remorse that she felt after her tantrum.
As quickly as it had come, it was over. His back straightened, his head lifted and his ice- cold mask was back in place. He went over to where he had left the pile of papers that he wanted to take with him. Picking them up with his metallic hand as the other arm was cut and torn and dripping with blood from where he had cut himself on the chair. He didn't even seem to notice. Striding past her to the door he simply said 'we're done here,' which Ally assumed meant that she was follow to him.
He didn't fully remember the drive back to Ally's apartment. His body and his mind were still teaming with rage. He knew he couldn't remember. He knew he hadn't been able to remember for a long time. What he hadn't known was why he didn't remember. He hadn't questioned it. It wasn't his job to question things. He followed his orders and he did what he was told. Yet it felt like he had known what they had done to him. Had he always known? Had it existed inside his head, buried deep and dark inside? Just out of his reach. When he had seen the chair in the middle of that room, he had felt a slight twinge of unease that he hadn't been able to place. He remembered waking up in it, feeling tired, exhausted and confused and strangely, always with the feeling like it had happened before. When he saw that video, just one second of that video and it was like a switch had been flicked in his brain. He remembered. He remembered the claustrophobia, the feeling of being held down, but most of all he remembered the excruciating, all-encompassing pain. And not just once. He remembered at least a dozen different rooms, a dozen faces peering down at him before his world went fuzzy and dark.
His head ached as his mind assaulted him with short bursts of images and sounds, each one a glimmer of a memory, each one bringing the reminder of pain. His body twitched and tensed, reliving the sensations that were running through his head. He wasn't sure how he drove that car back to the apartment but somehow he did. His training allowing him to remember and retrace routes easily. He hadn't intended to go back to that apartment, but he wasn't ready to leave this city yet. He needed more answers first. Her apartment was safe. No one would be looking for him there. He just needed some time to look through the documents that he had found and work out his next steps. He had to find out who had taken his memories and why.
She could have run from him. She knew that now. Yet at the time she had still been terrified. She had been so sure that his rage would turn to her next. When he stalked out of the room without even looking at her, it hadn't even occurred to her not to follow him. She had just seen what he could do when he was angry and she really didn't want that anger directed at her. He had been in that building before. If she had run from him, hid from him, how long would be before he had found her? He knew the building. He knew every twist and turn reflexively, never hesitating once. And so she did the only thing that she could do and followed him. Not that he seemed to even notice that she was there. Not once did he glance around to check on her.
Eventually they exited the bank, emerging into the deserted back alley. The light had all but faded keeping the soldiers face firmly in the shadows. However it only made the brightness of the main streets seem more alluring, like a beacon calling to her to safety. She knew that all she would have to do was run and she would make it. She could stop a passing driver or maybe there would be someone in the street who could help her. He had said he didn't want people to see his face. That he didn't want people to know about him. If she could just make it to the safety of the street then she knew he wouldn't be able to follow. She could be safe. She could be free. She just had to be brave.
Although being brave was easy to say, but harder to actually achieve. Ally's heart was hammering inside her chest. Her gaze switched between the soldier who was walking to the car, his back still facing her and the street that she longed for. Bracing herself she prepared to run. She took in a deep breath and had moved forward barely a millimetre when he spoke two words, 'get in'. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. Whether by sheer bad luck and coincidence or some unknown super power of intuition that he possessed, she knew it was over. She'd missed her chance.
She spent the car journey wistfully looking out of the window, hoping at every moment that someone would see her face and somehow know that she would need help. But no one so much as looked in their direction. She didn't know where they were going. Giving up hope, she slouched back in the seat, resigning herself to her fate, so she was even more astonished when they parked in a place that she knew all too well. Her home. Her heart leapt in the hope that he might be taking her home and letting her go. They'd had a fun day out, exploring a deserted bank, taking a few documents and taking a walk down memory lane and now it was time to part ways and she could get on with her life.
Of course Ally realised that she should stop getting her hopes up. She'd always been a bit of an optimist. She couldn't help herself. She might have been slightly sarcastic, occasionally stroppy and at least out loud a realist. But she had been raised on a steady diet of Disney films and fairy tales and in her heart she was an optimist. Always believing that things would work out for the best and always believing that things would work out for the best. Although she was quickly beginning to think that in this case she was wrong. There wasn't going to be a happy ending.
Thanks again to everyone for continuing to read this and for following and reviewing. I hope you enjoy this chapter and please let me know what you think. P.S. I'm answering reviews on her because I want to give feedback but don't want to do private messaging. On the first day I got some interesting messages so I turned that off and I'll answer any questions here.
- Thanks again for reviewing. Yeah I know it maybe wasn't the brightest thing to do, but curiosity gets the best of all of us at times. Plus she didn't know what she about to watch before she pressed play. Oh he is definitely not stable at the moment. His head is so confused right now. The only thing he knows about himself is that he is a killer and yet he feels that there is more to him than even he knows. I vaguely remember an interview I read by Sebastian Stan and he said he's done a lot of research on memory loss and dementia sufferers and he said that they can lash out, be aggressive, frustrated but also confused and emotional and he tried to put that into his performance. So I guess I'm trying to show just how confused he is feeling. He's definitely a threat to Ally and everyone else around him which he knows, but at the same time he knows that he's put her in danger by giving her a connection to him. At the same time she could easily turn in him. HYDRA aren't sure if he's alive or his mental state and he doesn't want them to know so by keeping her with him he's protecting himself too. I hope you're enjoying this and keep reviewing.