14. "Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner" -Fall Out Boy
May 20, 2000
"So, when you had me fucking my way through those secretaries, you weren't just looking to get back in Granger's pants, you wanted to find out more about your secret love child?"
"Bit of both."
"You only slept with her the once. What makes you think it's even your kid?" Blaise was perched on the edge of the sofa in the flat. Theo lounged in an armchair a few feet away, his arm slung across his face, blocking out the light as he nursed a hangover.
Draco leaned against the counter, growing more and more frustrated by the moment. He wanted to get into a brawl. Or fuck. He had a lot of frustration he'd like to let out.
"She's got my eyes. The timing would be right..." He shrugged.
"You're not the only bloke in the city with blue eyes, Draco! For fuck's sake. For all you know, the witch was sleeping with half of London."
Draco pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a huff of air. "Do you have any thing useful to say or are you going to keep spewing shite?"
Blaise arched an eyebrow, studying him for a moment before sighing and shaking his head. "My advice is forget about Hermione Granger. Forget about this kid. You're engaged, you've just gotten your business up and running well, your life is just starting to come together. And from what I know, Hermione's quickly moving up in the Ministry and doing perfectly fine without you. Don't fuck up both of your lives over this. You didn't want any of this, right? That's why you plucked that night from her memory to begin with."
Draco considered his friend's words, turning them over in his mind. "Theo?"
He groaned in awknowledgement.
"What do you think?"
"I think that firewhiskey tastes a lot better the first time round, and my head hurts entirely too much to form an opinion at the moment."
"Bloody useless git," Draco growled.
"That's mister bloody useless git, to you, you prick."
June 4, 2000
"George Weasley!"
"Hermione, there is a perfectly good explanation here-"
"Oh, please, enlighten me!"
"... Well, give me a minute to think."
"Her party is tomorrow! What- Fix it, now!"
Hermione's stress level had shot through the roof the moment she had stepped through George's front door. She didn't have time for this. She had a hundred errands to run and a cake to bake.
George had the decency to look sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I've... tried. I mean I am trying!" he amended at the murderous look Hermione shot his way.
"What have I said, George, a thousand times I've asked you not to experiment on my daughter and now look! Look at what you've done!"
"Me pitty!" Kaida chimed in, patting Hermione's leg with her fat little hand, now tinged a light shade of violet.
Hermione grimaced, turning back to glare daggers at George. "What did you give her?"
"It's a mood changing lolly that's supposed to wear off after a few hours. Obviously, we've still got some bugs to work out-"
"My daughter is purple, George."
"Oi! She was supposed to be back to normal by now! Seamus mixed up this batch, so technically, you have him to blame..."
"I left for work, trusting that my daughter was in good hands-"
"-She is fine! Purple means she's happy!"
"But her birthday is tomorrow," Hermione wailed.
"And she'll be extra festive," George grinned, nudging Hermione's arm.
Hermione rolled her eyes, as he slid an arm around her shoulders.
"C'mon, 'Mione, don't be mad. I promise never to give her anything we're working on ever again." Under his breath he added, "If Seamus has touched it."
"I have to take her into muggle London like this. What if her mood changes while we're out? How will I explain why my child is shifting colors like a bloody chameleon?"
George grimaced and sighed. "Can't you just get what you need here, so that no one sees her?"
"I suppose I could.. I really only need a few small things."
"There you are, luv, that's the spirit! Now, if you don't mind, I have a bit of work to do." He said, shooing them toward the door of the shop. "Bye bye, Kaida."
"Bye bye," Kaida grinned up at him, her tiny purple fist clenching around Hermione's robes.
Hermione had barely made it out onto the stoop when he'd slammed the door shut behind her. "Dastardly bastard," she grumbled under her breath.
She hitched Kaida farther up her hip and struck out down the cobblestoned street. There wasn't much of a crowd, thank Merlin, though the odd passerby did stare a few moments longer than what would be considered polite. Hermione didn't really blame them. She would probably stare at them, too. What an odd sight they must be, her with her windswept tumbleweed of a hairstyle and her purple baby in tow. She sighed. Just get what you need, Hermione so that you can get home, she told herself, fixing her eyes on the sidewalk and trudging onward.
Of course, with her eyes on the sidewalk it was hard to watch where she was going.
"Oomf," she gasped as she plowed into someone's back.
"Oi!"
Her cheeks flushed red and she hastily began to apologize as she gave Kaida a once over to ensure she was fine. The babe's lip was poking out into an adorable pout and her color was fading from a bright violet into a more muted blue. "I- I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I beg your pard-"
She looked up, and warm brown eyes were narrowed at her. "Granger?"
She raised a questioning eyebrow, studying the face before her and trying to place it.
"It's Theo. Theodore Nott. You remember, from school, yeah?"
Vague memories returned to her and she nodded. "Of course. Yes, of course. How have you been, Theo?"
"Ah, you know, can't complain. Look at you! You've got a baby... Why does she look like a blueberry?"
Hermione barked out a laugh. "That would be because she was the test subject of a mood changing lolly gone terribly awry."
"Mm, everyone's typical Friday afternoon." Theo grinned.
Hermione shrugged. "Normal isn't really our style."
"I can see that. You know, we might have something at the apothecary that could clear her up."
Hermione hesitated. "It's supposed to wear off..."
"And if it doesn't you can put her in one of those muggle freakshows." Theo winked.
Hermione glanced down at her baby girl, who was now back to a happy violet. "I suppose I shouldn't risk it. It is her birthday tomorrow."
"And who wants to spend their birthday looking like a bloody grape in a party hat, am I right?" Theo grinned.
Hermione gave a hesitant smile, and gestured with her free hand. "Lead the way, then."
Theo turned on the spot and started back in the direction they had been heading before Hermione had bumped into him. She followed along behind him, his long legs leaving her trailing a few paces back. She stopped completely when she realised he was turning down Knockturn Alley.
"Erm, Theo?"
He stopped and turned back, waiting for her to catch up.
She stayed rooted to her spot on the sidewalk. "Which apothecary, exactly?"
"Viridi Hydra." His eyebrow shot up questioningly.
Hermione grimaced. Her... ahem, colorful, dreams hadn't abated and she wasn't sure that she could look Draco Malfoy in the eyes without imagining all the naughty things he had done to her in her head. She could feel her face heating. "You know, I think I'll just wait. It... It should be worn off by tomorrow."
"You really want to risk it? I mean it isn't every day that you turn one. She's going to look back on the photographs one day and think, 'Mum, why in the bloody hell did you leave me looking like a plum?'"
Hermione shook her head.
"If you're worried because your hair looks like a barn owl's made its nest there, you can rest easy knowing that Draco isn't in today and you wouldn't be Osgood's type even if you were the centerfold from Wicked Witch."
Hermione's head snapped up. "My hair doesn't look like- Why would I care what Malfo-" She glared at Theo, ignoring the wolfish grin pasted across his face. She marched past him, down the alley way toward the Viridi Hydra Apothecary. Theo followed, matching pace with her this time, the shite eating grin still firmly planted on his face.
When they reached the shop, Theo stepped around her to pull the door open, letting her pass through before following her in.
A shimmering, dark head of hair was swaying behind the counter. "What do you mean 'you don't know', Oswald? What are we paying you for?"
"Erm, you don't pay me ma'am. I'm an intern..."
"What the bloody hell difference does it make? What you lack in salary, you've certainly made up for in wastefulness." She waved a thick book in front of the poor kid's face as she called out, "A broken case of wolfsbane, three spilled vials of dragon's blood, two boxes of lacewin-"
"-Astoria, what are you doing?" Theo demanded, moving forward and reaching for the book in her hands.
She hastily jerked it out of his reach. "I'm simply making inquiries into why we're losing so much money, though I've pretty well narrowed it down to our intern's incompetence."
Osgood looked as if he might cry and Hermione felt anger bubble up in her chest.
"Why are you poking around in the books anyway? Draco know you're here?" Theo asked, his jaw set in a tight line.
"Draco isn't privy to my every move, Theodore. We'll be married in a few short months, so I'm making it a priority to be more involved in our business."
"More like you want to put a tighter leash on your betrothed," Theo muttered.
Astoria noticed Hermione for the first time then. She straightened and smoothed down her hair before flashing her a megawatt smile. "Can I help you?"
"No," Theo cut in before Hermione had time to so much as open her mouth, "You cannot. I'll be right back with the potion, Granger."
"Granger?" Astoria scoffed, her friendly expression souring. "Oh, it is you. What happened to the child?"
"Bad lolly." Hermione shrugged, wishing that Astoria would turn her piercing eyes elsewhere. You'd think she had stabbed the woman with the way she was eyeing her. Osgood had disappeared into the back after Theo, leaving Hermione to tread water alone.
"Congratulations. On the engagement, I mean. How is your sister, Daphne? I haven't seen her since we left Hogwar-"
"Can we not act as if we're chummy?" Astoria snapped. Hermione's eyes widened in disbelief. What had she said? "Why are you here, anyway?"
Was she serious? Hermione arched an eyebrow. "Waiting for the potion Theo is fetching, then I'll be on my way."
Astoria didn't reply, just continued to regard her coolly as the minutes ticked by.
Finally Theo appeared through the doorway behind the counter and Hermione was so relieved that she could have kissed him. She settled for kissing the top of Kaida's head instead and stretched out her hand to take the proffered potion from Theo.
"One spoonful every two hours until the symptoms completely resolve. Also, tell the candy connoisseur to add a few drops of rose oil to the next batch. Should fix the problem."
"Thank you, Theo. I mean it, thanks." Hermione beamed at him as she slipped the flask into the pocket of her robes.
"Don't mention it, Granger. Have a good party, kid." Theo said, reaching out to ruffle Kaida's already unruly curls. The toddler leaned away and squealed in protest.
Astoria was still watching them through narrowed eyes and Hermione couldn't slip out of the door fast enough. She hurried back up the alleyway, now dimly lit as night began to fall. "Let's go and get some balloons."
"Loons!" Kaida agreed.
"The Irish have got a killer team this year, mate. I'm telling you, they're a shoo in for the cup."
Draco sloshed the firewhiskey around his tumbler before bringing it to his lips. He polished off the amber liquid and smacked his lips together.
"Dunno, Blaise. The Harpies haven't lost a match yet." He said as he reached for the bottle to pour himself another drink.
Blaise scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Ireland is not going to lose the cup to an all witch team. It's just not going to hap-"
The door banged open and Theo stood in the archway, looking extremely pleased with himself. He had a small cauldron tucked under one arm and a vial clutched in his fist. He held up the latter and smirked. "Give me one of those silky locks, Draco. Time to find out if you're a father. Though I sincerely doubt it. That kid is much too cute to be sired by the likes of you."
"The fuck are you on about?"
"A paternity potion, ya fucking wanker, now give me a strand of hair or I'll yank one out myself." Theo said, sliding the cauldron down onto the kitchen counter. He uncorked the vial in his hand and pinched the small brown stand between his fingers. He removed the top from the cauldron and rubbing his fingers together carefully, he dropped the strand into the brew.
"Now, Draco, or it's all for naught."
Draco exchanged similar looks of disbelief with Blaise, but he stood and separated out a single strand of his hair and plucked it from his scalp. He crossed over to the cauldron and dropped it in.
Theo grinned and the potion immediately began to smoke. Theo pulled a spoon from within his robes and stirred three times clockwise, once counter clockwise, three times clockwise, once counter clockwise. He repeated the process seven times and then stood back. The potion was a silky black. Draco stared into its inky black depth until he grew impatient.
"Well?" He demanded, rounding on Theo.
"It's working. It has to stew."
"Explain." Blaise said sternly, joining them in the kitchen.
Theo dragged one of the stools around backwards and straddled it as he began his story. "So, there I was in Diagon Alley, minding my own business, when someone smashed into me from behind. I spun around ready for a fight and found myself staring at the strangest sight I've ever seen. Granger and a bright purple kid."
He held up his hands already anticipating the interuptions about to spew from Draco and Blaise's open mouths. "Please save all questions until the end." Identical eye rolls spurned his story onward. "Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the baby was purple. Apparently she was given a prototype of a 'mood changing lolly' and the formula wasn't quite right. So, I offered to whip up a potion to speed up the process in getting her skin back to normal. Once I got her to the shop, it was all too easy to reach out and inconspicuously pluck a loose strand of hair. I sent them on their merry way none the wiser. And now here we are."
"Why are you doing this, Theo?" Blaise asked, spreading his arms before him. "There's no way the kid's his. It was one night. You're just making it harder for him."
Draco scowled. "What are you, my father? I need to know, one way or the other."
Blaise shrugged. "It's just an unecessary headache."
Draco shook his head in exasperation, catching a glimpse of the potion out of the corner of his eye. He did a double take. "Theo, what's gold mean?"
His friend was staring in open mouthed horror at the cauldron.
"Theo!" Draco snapped. "What does gold mean?"
Theo's eyes met his own and his mouth moved, confirming what Draco already knew, what he had known since he had first locked eyes with baby Kaida. "She's your daughter."
"Fuck," Blaise breathed, looking utterly bewildered. "Fuuuck. What are you going to do?"
Draco pushed his hair back off of his forehead, suddenly feeling too warm and constricted smushed between his two friends. "Stop breathing down my neck," he grumbled, elbowing his way out from between them.
"You okay, mate?"
"It's not like I didn't expect it, Theo."
"Right, yeah. But suspecting it and having it confirmed are two different things."
"I said I'm fi-"
"DRACO!" A great pounding started at the door. "Draco Malfoy, I KNOW you're in there!"
Theo grimaced. "I guess I should have given you a head's up. Astoria's been digging around in the books at the shop."
"Of course she has been," Draco grimaced, rolling his silver eyes skyward. "Get rid of the potion." He crossed over to the door and glanced over his shoulder to make sure his friends had complied before he swung it open.
"Must you shout?" Draco snapped, as Astoria pushed past him into the sitting room.
"Astoria. Always a pleasure," Blaise said, accentuating his words with a roll of his dark eyes.
She ignored him and rounded on Draco. "What do you think you're doing? We have to be at dinner in 5 minutes and you aren't even dressed! Unless you intended to wear that..." Astoria pulled a face, showing just exactly how she felt about that idea.
"Dinner?"
"Yes, Draco! With my parents. We talked about this the day before yesterday!" She sighed and threw her hands into the air, clearly exasperated with him. "They want to discuss your birthday party."
"I'm too bloody old for a birthday party."
"I disagree, mate. Let's get one of them muggle cakes with the naked lady inside."
"Theo, if you don't shut up-"
"It's too late to argue, Draco, The Leaky Cauldron has been rented for the night. No refund. And all of our family and friends have been invited," Astoria pouted.
Her attractiveness was made even more prominent when she pouted, but Draco was in no mood to awknowledge the fact. "Broken them all out of Azkaban have you?"
Astoria gasped. "You know I don't like to talk about the war! The people closest to us will be there. You will show up and plaster a smile on that handsome face of yours and you will not try to weasel your way out of it. Got it?"
"Whatever makes you happy."
Astoria beamed. "Thank you, love. I'll let my parents know we're not going to make it tonight. I'll see you at home, yes?"
She was out the door before he had even opened his mouth to reply.
"I'm fucking offended." Theo snapped, his forehead crinkling as his eyebrows knit together.
"For Salazar's sake, what now?" Blaise sighed.
"I wasn't invited to the party! Were you?"
Blaise seemed to consider for a moment before shaking his head, "No, actually, now that you mention it."
"Well? Aren't we part of the sacred circle of your closest family and friends, Draco?"
Draco arched an eyebrow and spread his hands in front of him. "You honestly think I had any say over the guest list? Or anything else for that matter?"
"Remind me again why you're marrying her? I mean aside from that delectable arse." Blaise chuckled.
"Piss off."