Act III – With everything to win the only thing I lose is you
There was someone murmuring in the distance. It was disturbing her sleep. She shuffled even more beneath the blankets, covering her head with them but leaving an open spot for oxygen.
The murmuring didn't stop, but it wasn't as loud as before. Humming and relishing in the warmth of her bed, Emma tried to fall back asleep. Apparently, her cat had other ideas.
Odette jumped on her, all her four legs pressing into her back and side and a loud meow this close to ripping her eardrums as Emma groaned loudly.
«What have I told you, lass?» Emma heard Killian sigh at her cat. She smiled in her dark cocoon: he was perfect with Odette, and Odette had warmed up to him with time. It helped that he treated her like a woman rather than a cat, or at least this was what Emma believed. There was something about Killian Jones that made everyone fall in love with him.
Ah, yeah, that.
It had been almost six months since their first, wonderful date – they had to repeat the experience at SpyScape because of how wonderful it had been and how much competitive they both had been, challenging each other – and time had just flown by.
Dating someone with the same working hours as yours was quite perfect: it gave both of them time for ourselves and away from each other, but also didn't stress them because of clashing schedules. Whoever finished first – usually Killian, Emma usually lost track of time at the stage doors with the fans – went to pick up the other and, when Killian showed up, fans went crazy, the same thing happening when Emma was the one surprising Killian's fans.
At first they just spent time together, eating or watching a movie, or even just talking until one or both of them were tired. More than once Emma had fallen asleep on Killian's couch and woken up in his bed, the other side of which not slept in because her boyfriend – the term making her feel like a damn schoolgirl – was a perfect gentleman.
They kissed, a lot, hands wandering, but never went too far. That is, until Emma just decided she had had enough and, into two months of their relationship, she'd organized a dinner date at her apartment, wearing sexy lingerie bought for the occasion underneath a tight red dress that Killian took his time to give his attention to before passing to her body. And oh, he was an extremely attentive man.
She felt the mattress dip and a deep breath of fresh air filled her nostrils with the scent chocolate. Emma didn't need Killian to gently woke her, she just sniffed her way out of under the blanket, the light slightly blinding her as she blinked rapidly to focus on the tray of baked goods Killian had prepared.
«Mhm, something smells delicious,» she mumbled sitting up, her eyes going straight to the spread of pancakes, French toast and croissants. There were two mugs of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and cinnamon. Emma frowned. «Did I miss an anniversary or something?»
It was the first time she had someone to mark milestones with, and the thought of forgetting something important scared her, especially because she cared about Killian, so much she even-
«Only your birthday, love,» Killian chuckled, leaning forward to kiss her on her cheek.
Oh. It was already October 23rd, how strange. She blushed and smiled, turning her head to kiss him. He tasted like chocolate. «Thank you.» I love you.
Yes, she knew she loved him, during the last months she had fallen for him and her feelings kept growing and growing she was afraid she'd burst. The only thing that was holding her back from saying the words was that fear she had that, once she did, everything would fall apart.
«You're welcome, Swan.» Killian handed her a plate and a fork, which she filled with two French toasts, leaving Killian the other two. Inside, they were stuffed with chocolate and strawberries. God, she could marry this man. She almost chocked at the thought, Killian's face filling with worry.
Emma shook her head, managing a smile and a sip of hot chocolate. «I'm okay,» she breathed, gulping down another mouthful of chocolate. «You're spoiling me.» Not that she was complaining, she just never had a breakfast in bed on her birthday before – Killian had brought it to her every once in a while, making her always feel loved.
She devoured the toasts, immediately passing to the pancakes, on which she poured chocolate sauce. Killian chuckled and did the same, their passion for desserts never diminishing. They'd probably end up getting diabetes.
«You're amazing,» Emma said with her mouth stuffed with pancakes.
«Aye, you tell me every time I cook for you,» he joked, settling himself against what had become his pillow, the one upon Odette once used to sleep every night. Emma inched towards him, settling into him. Odette had wrapped herself like a donut at the foot of the bed, softly purring in her sleep. «You're amazing too, love. Happy birthday.»
Emma looked up at him, hoping all her love for him was visible even if she hadn't said the words. She loved him, she couldn't nor wouldn't deny it, and although she didn't feel brave enough to say it, Killian deserved to know he was loved. «Thank you, Killian. I mean it. I've never had someone caring for me as much as you do. I-I love it.» I love you. It wasn't it, but the way his eyes lit up made her feel as if she'd said those three words out loud.
«And I love taking care of you.»
It wasn't "I love you", but it was a close thing, it was something no one ever said to her, something that made her heart flutter and love him even more, because he too wasn't ready to say the words yet she could see the way he looked at her, the way he not so secretly glanced her way every time he thought she wasn't looking, how he treated her with respect and love, as if she was the most precious thing in the world.
Perhaps, well, perhaps words were overrated.
«What do you mean you'll arrive just in time for the Party?»
Honestly, Emma couldn't blame him, Killian didn't have any power over British airlines or storms. But Emma had also missed him, her bed too empty without him. It was so strange how much attached to Killian she'd become, sometimes making her wonder if she was too attached, until she realized the longing, the want of spending most of her free time with him was completely normal.
«I know, love,» Killian grumbled, not angry at her rather at the flight company and the fact that he had been away from her for too long.
On Wednesday, in fact, Killian had flown to London to supervise the casting of a new Captain Hook for the London musical. However, it had been a disaster. While there were many qualified candidates, it was also true Hook had been built around Killian, Killian was James, there wasn't someone like him, someone capable of giving Hook depth, this tormented soul air, something only someone who'd known pain could. This meant Killian would have to go to London again, for more than a week even, to train whoever they'd choose.
Emma sighed. «I can talk to Will and ask him to-»
«No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Absolutely not, love: I won't let time zones and jet lag ruin Will's Halloween night. I owe him. And I want to sing with you.»
That was the problem: it was the first time they would sing together in public, per Will's request, they knew the song but had never rehearsed it. «I want to sing with you too,» she confessed with a sigh, looking at Killian on her screen. She had to go back on stage soon, she could hear Cruella finishing her song, and though she had to wait for her duet with Hades – who the hell named their son that? – Emma didn't want to cause any delay just because she missed her boyfriend too much. They had already used the couch behind her for more enjoyable activities that time Killian had taken a night off and attended her musical, coming backstage and insisting he be the one taking off her red gown.
She must've blushed because Killian chuckled. «Don't worry, love, I'll soon be back to you.»
«You can start by going to bed, Killian! It must be past one in the morning for you!» Emma knew jet lag was a bitch, but if he didn't wake up in time he risked losing the plane and would have to delay his return of another day. She definitely didn't want that.
«Aye, Captain,» he joked, making her smile. «Now go, make them see Heaven, love.»
In a total schoolgirl fashion, Emma blew a kiss at him, which he pretended to catch with a wink, and closed the call.
«Seriously, Emma, you're going to have to pay for my denture.»
Fortunately for her, Emma had Ruby to lighten her mood.
The costume department would kill her. Or maybe not. They had let her borrow the dress, made her sign lots of paperwork, she now hoped she didn't ruin it. She'd opted – alright, Ruby had – for a higher pair of heels, and she wasn't wearing a wig, her real hair twisted into a bun with a few strands framing her face and a headband serving like a tiara.
Will, in fact, had asked the guests to come dressed up as the characters they'd played, or at least something that resembled them. If they were able to give them a horror twist, even better. Emma had decided not to wear the gloves, the charms bracelet Killian had gifted her for her birthday shining under the lights.
«Where the bloody hell is that wanker?» Emma heard Will grumble under his breath. As far as they knew, Killian had landed and was making his way to the Party. Will had already scheduled their performance as the last one, but if the man didn't show up, goodbye performance.
Emma placed her hand on the man's arm. «You start with the party, I'll go call him. He's promised he'll be here, and he will.»
«He better, or I know where I'll put that hook of his.»
Great, Emma sighed to herself as Will slipped into his Fairy Godfairy being. He didn't need to know Emma had been trying to call her boyfriend for half an hour already, letting the fear that he wouldn't show up overcome the one the lyrics of the song had instilled in her.
Almost an hour went by, Emma tormenting paper napkins instead of her fingernails only because Ruby was watching her like a hawk, ready to cut her hands off if she even tried to bring them to her mouth unless it was for eating or drinking.
«Sorry I'm late.»
Killian's voice made her jump and whip her head around. His appearance, instead, made her heart stop beating.
Unlike Killian, Emma had never seen one of his shows, and seeing photos or videos was completely different than seeing him clad in his pirate costume with her own two eyes. Fuck me.
Her boyfriend chuckled, the tips of his ears a deep red. «We can talk about our love for roleplays when there's only the two of us.»
Oh fuck, she'd said that out loud. Next to her, Ruby was biting her lip not to laugh in her face. «I'll definitely hold you on to that,» Emma replied, trying to maintain what little dignity was left in her. She let her gaze wander hungrily, from the boots up to his leather-clad legs, the red velvet vest over the black shirt that let her see a wide expanse of his chest and chest hair she was very familiar with, the charms he always wore even when not on stage nestled among the dark hair. Last, there was his long leather coat, the one she knew was so heavy he had to keep a certain position. Only when she looked him in her eyes she noticed one last touch. «You put guyliner on.» It should be illegal, the make-up making his already oh so blue eyes stand out.
Killian grinned, using his hand to move a strand of hair from her face. No, not his hand, his hook. «Again, apologies, love. I had to stop by the theatre and pick the costume up. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.» He leaned forward, whispering in her ear: «And I get to keep it until Tuesday.»
A shiver ran down her spine at the implied promise in his words, her mouth suddenly dry. «Good.» Needing to feel him, she stretched her neck to kiss him, not caring of the fans snapping photos of them. He was finally back, and she didn't want him to fly back to London anytime soon.
He sat down next to her, his ringed hand finding its place on the small of her back, the hook set on the table until it was time to perform. It was so good having him there again, his presence bringing her peace even though he was able to stir a tempest in her.
Emma relaxed into him, not caring much about her hair – Ruby had yet to bite her head off –, immediately feeling him circling her waist with his arm. «I've missed you,» Killian murmured against her temple, pressing a kiss there. She'd noticed he loved doing that, and she'd grown rather fond of the gesture. More than fond, to be honest.
His words made her smile. «I've missed you too.» The fact that she'd missed him, that she missed him every time they were separated, confirmed what her asshole of an ex-boyfriend once told her, that home was the place that, when you left, you just missed it. For Emma, home wasn't just a place, it wasn't just New York, but it was a person. For Emma, home was Killian.
In these past days, Emma had decided she would tell Killian she loved him tonight. After the Party, after their performance, she would tell him-
«And now, since he's finally joined us, I summon the terror of the seven seas – and of my schedule – and his lovely lady. Ladies and gentlemen, please on your feet for the Captain and his Mistress!»
The crowd went wild, making Emma laugh, laughter that carried on as Killian stood, hook in place, bowing to her as he offered her his arm. «Milady.»
Her eyebrows shot up in amusement but accepted his hand nonetheless. «Captain,» Emma teased him, preceding him towards the stage, their fingers intertwined. People all around aahed and oohed at the sight of the lost princess and her pirate. For many that was probably the first time seeing either one – or even both – of them with their signature costumes on.
«My dear, you look wonderful,» Will told Emma the moment they reached the stage. At his words, Killian lifted their hands and made her twirl around, the light catching the jewels that adorned the dark blue dress.
Emma laughed, bowing mockingly in Will's direction. «Thank you, Fairy Godfairy.»
«Captain, you're… fit to be seen.» Will added a grimace for good measure.
«Oi! Watch your tongue, mate,» Killian threatened him, his voice holding no malice.
Will rolled his eyes. «Aye aye, Captain. What I'm interested in, though, my dear, sweet children, is how the two of you have met: a princess and a pirate, the perfect fairytale, isn't it?»
As Will pronounced the last words, Emma turned her head towards Killian, her eyes locking with his. «Indeed it is,» she confirmed dreamily speaking into the microphone she had picked up from the piano lid, handing the other one to Killian. The moment they stopped holding hands, Emma's had immediately found the hook, her fingers curling around the cool metal as if it was a normal thing to do. She turned to Will, a glint in her eyes. Not having rehearsed it, they didn't know how the intro would work, but since Emma had shown up before Killian, she and Will had worked something out. «We actually met here, you know? It was the first time we ever saw each other, but somehow we clicked right from the start.»
«Aye,» Killian agreed fondly, «and you'd think I was the one doing the courting, but it was her who asked me out instead!»
The crowd burst out laughing at that, and Emma shook her head, her smile widening. «Of course I did! I may be a princess, but I'm not a damsel in distress: the only one who saves me is me.» She even patted him on the cheek. He turned his head immediately, kissing her palm.
«As I told you, love, you are bloody brilliant,» he told her devoutly, love pouring from his eyes. I love you, she thought, hoping her smile would tell him what she couldn't say yet. He then turned towards the crowd, hand a hook swinging between them. «So, I went and picked her up in my brother's car,» Killian began, turning towards her, «and you were wearing your pink dress-»
Emma snorted at that, the fact that just like in the song it was pink. «Blue,» she corrected him, her cheeks hurting from how much she was smiling.
«Oh, you always look great in blue,» he amended giving her a once-over, «and I'm in my rented tux, looking like a total dork. Ah, it is all kind of cheesy, but… nice. And then you drag me onto the dance floor, and of course I hate dancing, but it's the last night, the last dance of senior year, and I'm with you. The most incredible person I know.»
Deep down, Emma knew it was part of the song, and though their relationship was real, she couldn't detect any lie in Killian's words. He wasn't lying: to him, she was the most incredible person he knew.
A blush spread over her cheeks at the realization. «Yeah, right,» she dismissed his words shaking her head, «all I do lately is mess up.»
But Killian held her gaze, cerulean irises looking right into her soul. «I mean it. You don't give yourself enough credit.» And then, he began to sing: «If you could see the way that you look to me, I bet that you'd be amazed at the sight.»
«Killian-» Fuck, she was supposed to call him Tommy, not by his true name. Her eyes widened, much like his smile did as he kept singing.
«You'd see a heart that's fearless and true. From my point of view oh, you shine.» No, Killian wasn't just singing, he was describing her, he was… declaring his feelings.
Gulping, Emma swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. «What about you? Why is it all so easy for you?» Why do you love me when I'm such a mess?
He shook his head. «Man, if you only knew,» Killian scoffed, «half the time I'm just faking it, hoping that no one will discover I'm a complete fraud.»
Emma knew what he meant: he was afraid people discovered how broken he truly was after all the pain he'd gone through. She wanted to squeeze his hand, or his hook, but they'd stepped away for acting purposes.
Tears welled up in her eyes. Yes, tonight was the right night to tell him she loved him. «I think you hide so much you feel inside, but I know deep down there's a fire burning bright. From where you stand it might not be clear, but you shine from here.»
Just like a couple arguing over who shone the brightest, they both sang at the same time: «No doubts, no more fears, I see you shine and the dark disappears.» And it was true: since the moment he'd stepped into her life, Killian had brightened up her life like nobody before ever had.
Still looking into her eyes, Killian stepped closer, reaching out with his left arm. «Then I know everything is gonna be fine, because you shine, oh how you shine.» The moment her fingers closed around the curved metal, Killian lifted their arms above their heads and made a giggling Emma twirl. «You shine.» He then drew her closer to his chest, the hand holding the microphone placed on her waist, making it look like as if they were dancing.
Emma looked up at him, blinking furiously to keep the tears at bay as Killian started to sway them and she followed his movements, knowing he was the perfect dancing partner as he'd already showed her on many occasions. «What a surprise, gazing into your eyes, I swear that I still get lost in the light. No photograph could possibly show the you I know.»
She hoped with all her being that he, too, understood how much he meant to her, how bloody brilliant he was: Killian was the best person Emma had ever met.
«No doubts, no more fears, I see you shine and the dark disappears. I'll be your mirror and you can be mine, look to me and you'll see just how you shine.»
They sang those words to each other, the song connecting them in so many different and invisible ways Emma was surprised she could almost feel the fire burning in Killian's eyes, a fire that wouldn't burn, a fire that made her feel home.
Stepping away from her and into character, Killian brought the hook to his forehead. «Bloody hell, I've got to go pick up my tux before they close.»
When he went to step down the stage, Emma rushed to stop him. «Killian?» Well, you can't just change names, can you? Killian stopped and turned around, looking at her from below. «Thank you.»
Her heart started to beat frantically in her chest, knowing which words he was about to pronounce, words she would have to say back, words they both would've taken their time to say out loud without that musical push.
«I love you.»
In that moment, Emma felt as if she could burst with joy. A lonely tear rolled down her cheek, making concern flashing over Killian's visage. «I love you,» she repeated, knowing he should've already turned around, so she instead stepped at the center of the stage, talking to the crowd to restrain herself from flying into his arms and kiss him breathless. «He never said that before. That's what I remember most about that day.» Emma smiled, closing her eyes for a brief second. «No doubts, no more fears. I see you shine and the dark disappears. And I know everything is gonna be fine, because you're mine. You shine.»
Everyone went wild, screaming and applauding them and Emma was about to walk towards the steps and go back to her table when something cold and solid grabbed her around the arm and made her whip around. She barely had the time to register Killian's face before his lips were on hers, desperate, hungry as never before.
She kissed him back, not caring it was in front of everyone and they would end up on social medias: in that moment only she and Killian counted, only them and the words Killian whispered against her lips.
«I love you,» he murmured low enough for only her to hear, «I love you, Emma.»
If someone asked Emma to describe what love was, she would only come up with one name.
«I love you, Killian.»
November had come and gone, and for the first time ever Emma had attended Ruby's Granny's Thanksgiving dinner to which she'd dragged her boyfriend. Emma adored Granny, she fixed her with free hot chocolate every time she went to the diner, what she had feared was Granny would pull out her crossbow and confront Killian on his intentions. She hadn't, but Emma wouldn't have put it past her.
They were now in the middle of December and Emma had no idea what to gift Killian for Christmas. He had given her a bracelet for her birthday, but she wanted their first Christmas together to be perfect.
He was a science nerd, but she had no way of knowing whether what she was looking for was nerdy or accurate enough. So she had moved onto another of Killian's passion: the sea. Her moral support, this time, had been Tilly.
The girl had been so helpful Emma had decided to gift her an old copy of Robin Hood she had found and hoped Tilly would love. In fact, Tilly had not only told her what Killian could like, but also made the gift herself.
Aside from a great voice, Tilly was a talented painter: Emma had witnessed her art in Killian's changing room when she'd visited between shows – it wasn't fair he got to see hers but not the other way around, was it? – and had found paintings and drawings Tilly had made representing various things, people or animals or landscapes and even a sketch made on a napkin of their kiss at the Halloween Party, the one that had changed everything yet changed nothing.
Emma stretched onto Killian's bed, finding the other side empty and cold. Lately, Killian seemed distant, something that had never happened before. It scared her, but she wanted to trust him, to trust that he would confide in her.
She stood, picking up his shirt and wrapping it around herself, closing only two buttons and wearing a pair of boxers she found in his underwear drawer. It wasn't the first time she stole his clothes, and they were more comfortable than her own.
Blinking the sleep away, Emma made her way to the kitchen, where she found Killian bent over the island, hands gripping his hair and eyes framed by dark circles. Sensing his distress, Emma moved towards him, circling his waist from behind and burying her face between his shoulder blades. «What is it?»
She didn't want to know, afraid of what his words would mean, of what would happen to them once they left his mouth.
«They want me to go to London.»
Emma frowned. It wasn't nothing new. In fact, Killian had flown to London at the end of November again for another week of auditions, but he was not like this, not so… haunted.
Then, suddenly, it sunk in: Killian didn't have to go to London for another round of auditions, they wanted him to go to London to play Hook.
«They're going to end the production?» There was as lump in her throat, tears welling in her eyes at the realization of what meant for them. That was one of the difficulties of being a Broadway performer: relationships weren't easy, and while it wasn't frowned upon, not many actors had one.
Killian nodded, gulping loudly. «Next month.»
It was as if he'd plunged his hand into her chest and pulled her heart out, crushing it and reducing it to ash. Emma didn't need to look at him to see an anguished expression, to see he was angry at the world and couldn't do anything to change it.
«That's… soon,» she breathed, fisting her hands onto his t-shirt, as if trying to anchor herself to him.
«Aye,» he spat, his hands covering hers, his fingers tightening around hers. «Too soon.»
Rationally, Emma knew what it meant for them, she knew that a show in London would kill their relationship, if not immediately, in time. But she still had to ask. «You can't turn them down?»
It was selfish, she knew that, and she didn't know if she'd do the same, if she was able to give everything up for Killian, for someone whom she wanted to believe would stay but had no guarantee that he would.
Killian sighed, turning around and bringing her close, burying his nose in her hair. «I was a bloody fool, Swan.» He tightened her grip around her, as if he didn't want her to go away. «My contract ties me to the show. I-I don't know how I could be so stupid.»
That was it. The end of them. It didn't matter, there was a contract, there was a fucking contract neither of them could rip no matter how much they wanted to. If Killian was forced to leave, he would have to stay in London for years, even, and their relationship would just… fade away until nothing was left.
Emma knew he'd tried to find a solution, a way to stay there, with her, but now he would just… leave.
She pulled away from him, her walls starting to rise again around her heart. «This is it, then,» she murmured, fighting back the tears, «this is how it ends. And don't try to tell me we can make this work. We both know how difficult it would be.»
There was a moment in which silence filled the air, until Killian spoke, his voice broken. «I don't want to lose you.»
Emma closed her eyes, feeling the tears rolling down her cheeks. «I don't want to lose you either, Killian,» she admitted, «but it won't work, not with an ocean between us, not when it could take us months before seeing each other in person. I- Killian, I don't know if I could do that.»
Yes, it was selfish, but Emma knew he couldn't do it either, no matter how much they loved each other.
Killian gulped, his hands buried in her hair, desperate of keeping her here, of staying. «I love you, Emma Swan. So bloody much.»
Shock coursed through Emma when she realized it was the first time Killian cried in front of her. It didn't help quench her sobs. «I love you, too.»
They kissed, a wet, desperate, last kiss containing everything they wouldn't and couldn't say to each other, feelings that couldn't simply be expressed in words, emotions so painful when they should've only brought them joy.
He rested his forehead against hers, his fingertips brushing away Emma's tears. «I don't want to go-»
«But you need to,» Emma cut him off, not ready to hear his excuses, or anything that would make him beg to stay when it was taking all her strength not to.
«Aye, I do, but I won't stop fighting for us, Emma.»
She pulled away, looking at him with a hurt gaze. «Do not make promises you can't keep, Killian.» Her tone was sharp despite her wobbly chin and the lump in her throat. She wouldn't accept false promises, not now, not from him.
«I'm not, I'm not promising I will return soon, and I'm not-» he gulped, looking away from her for a moment, a muscle ticking in his jaw. «I'm not asking you to wait for me, but know this: I will try to find a loophole. Don't give up hope, come what may.»
I know it all will come back, one day.
Emma wanted to be mad at him, she wanted to hate him, yet she loved him even more. «I won't,» she promised, not daring looking him in the eyes. «I need to go.»
Understanding, Killian placed a kiss first on her forehead, then on her hand, squeezing her fingers as she pulled away. It was better that way, breaking up without screams, because they both knew what they'd signed up for when they'd started dating, because they'd both thought they could have a long and lasting relationship when others hadn't.
Because, for the first time in forever, they had thought their love was enough to keep them together. But instead, their love for music was driving them apart.
For the first time in her career, once snuggled on the couch with Odette close to her heart, Emma called in sick.