Danny and Alice sat on the bed in the darkened room looking at each other.

"Looking back we would never have worked if Thomas hadn't came along." he murmured breaking the silence in the room. "As close as we were we were starting to drift apart…" he inhaled deeply as if preparing himself. "And I never admitted it to you but I really liked Laura, everything with her was so easy when we were starting to….I dunno we grew apart. I didn't cheat on you with her or anything but…" he trailed off not needing to elaborate further.

Alice nodded slowly. She was surprised that even now, 15 years later it still hurt to know that when he'd been with her he had been interested in another girl.

"It was my fault that we drifted apart, I had too much to prove, or at least I felt I did." he frowned and looked at the blanket, all those years still felt raw when he thought of them. His and his dads messed up relationship, his and Alice's deteriorating relationship and then his relationship with his little boy…

"That was only you, you had nothing to prove to me, you never did." she told him sincerely and patted his hand.

"And you told me that so many times but I didn't believe you. Everything inside me only got worse when Thomas was born. He was so tiny and helpless and relying on me..."

"Us," she corrected.

Danny sighed, "I can't believe that he'd be 12 now. Nearly a teenager." his eyes were distant for a moment. "Wonder who he looks like, who he takes after, whether he likes sports or hates it, whether he's shy or out going. There's so much I wish I knew."

Alice murmured an agreement. The hardest part from being parted from her son, apart from being unable to see him was the not knowing even the smallest details of his life. What made him laugh, whether he was sarcastic or literal, mild mannered or bad tempered. What he looked like…. "Did we do the right thing Danny? I mean really? In the beginning we had no choice in the matter but at the very end…"

Danny exhaled and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, "At the time it felt like the right decision, it WAS the right decision for then, but now? We're different people now, I'd love to get back in touch but we have no right just to intrude on his life because we feel like it. He'll be settled, have friends, he might even have siblings or even a girlfriend and two people just turn up out of the blue claiming to be his birth parents? What if his mum and dad haven't told him he's adopted? We could do more harm than good." he sighed sadly. "Its best just to leave him be, I thinks that's the only thing we can offer him right now."

"Wait until he finds us." Alice breathed silently hoping that Danny would want to look for him, maybe even try to convince her. "What if he doesn't look for us?"

"It's the risk we took to give him a better life, the choice we made…."

Alice closed her eyes as she thought back to the last time she saw her son…..

Danny and Alice sat in the car as the social worker, Sandra drove them through a large, airy, very green estate. They were visiting the people who had temporary custody of Thomas, they once had full time custody but they had fought through court and won to get their son back. The car was silent. Danny and Alice's relationship hadn't been very easy as of late but to ensure they got their son back they were showing a united front to the social worker, no harsh words were exchanged in front her….generally meaning that unless spoken to no one spoke. The last 14 months had put a tremendous strain on the marriage….it had been 14 months since Thomas had been taken away and both Danny and Alice were eager to get their son back and put their lives back on track.

"I bet he's so much bigger!" Alice said out loud. She had echoed the same words to Danny so many times since they were finally informed by a court that their son had been unlawfully taken from them. "He'll be almost 2 now!" she added. "bet he still looks like you." she said out loud, not looking at danny. "Wonder what his favourite toy is…." she was aware she was beginning to babble the words tumbling from her before she could stop them.

Danny nodded, the time which had passed since their son was last at home making his chest ache a little bit. He for one was eager to get Thomas back and then get to work on mending his marriage. Nothing had been the same since the day he'd been arrested.

The car stopped and Danny scanned the surroundings. "Holy hell…" he whispered. Sat before him was a house which had to be twice the size of the one he and Alice currently occupied, the garden was large and spacious…even the air seemed different, cleaner… the more he looked at it, the more his eyes seemed to widen, like they needed to be bigger to take in the scene. "Thomas' adoptive parent live here?" He asked the social worker more than a little shocked.

"Yes." she replied nodding her brown hair swishing.

The social worker they had been assigned was worse than useless! She was a small diminutive woman who had brown eyes and shoulder length brown hair. Whether it was her small stature which made her easily manoeuvrable by people above her Danny didn't know, all he did know was that she had been zero help at all in getting their son back. Had they had a decent one then maybe things may have been quicker but as it was….

"Alan Spoor is a software programmer and Lisa Spoor is a teacher. They had been waiting to adopt a child for five years…." she told them.

Alice took her tone as almost an accusation aimed at them, of course the subject was still very raw for her! Her eyes narrowed and Sandra quieted.

Danny couldn't stop looking at the house, the mere sight making him uneasy, Alice was just eager to get this over with, eager to get her son back.

"Remember this is the first initial meeting. Thomas will no doubt not remember you. This is a very unique case so we're all at a loss on how to proceed…."

Alice couldn't hold back no longer, "You mean like in the case of inputting the wrongs child's name into the database?" she snapped. "Thomas Trevasian was being adopted out. Thomas Trevanion wasn't supposed to be! It wasn't our fault that there was a mix up with our solicitors which meant forms weren't sent or lost! People blaming each other instead of admitting it meaning MORE time was lost! 14 months!" Alice raged. "That is how much time we will never get back! Our sons first step, first word, eating solids, teaching him how to crawl, walk , talk…"

"Alice…." Danny murmured tiredly advising her to quiet. He knew if he let her go she'd rant for hours, she HAD ranted for hours! Like saying the same things over and over changed things. Nope it just drove him crazy! He didn't rant like she did, he internalised it all. He didn't force his feelings on her like she did….

Alice exhaled, glanced his way and nodded.

"Remember the feelings of Thomas are paramount. This is a chance for you to get to know him in a setting he is familiar with. Don't expect too much of him."

Alice and Danny nodded remaining quiet knowing that every delayed second was a second they lost in this short session with their son. They climbed from the car, walked up the path and rang the doorbell.

Lisa Spoor answered the door. She had bags under her eyes and her face was drawn, "You're late, I was hoping you wouldn't come." then she stepped aside and gestured them in reluctantly.

Danny entered and felt even worse after seeing the house, it was airy and spacious with lots of room, every inch seemed to be baby proof, safety gates on all the doors and protectors on the top so he couldn't slam the doors and trap his fingers. Socket protectors…..

They were taken into a living room and Alice got her first sight of her son.

"Bam! Bam! Bam!" Thomas was shouting rolling two cars into each other. Face scrunched up as he focused. Alice stopped moving in the doorway as her breath caught and tears filled her eyes. He looked so much like she remembered, he was only bigger now. Alice couldn't help it, she took Danny's hand in her own and squeezed it tightly, joy filling her at the sight of the boy before them..

Lisa had taken a seat on the sofa a slight way away and watched Thomas with pain deep in her eyes, "We call him Bam Bam, he plays that game a lot." she inhaled deeply and even from the doorway Danny could see the tears in her eyes. She collected herself after a moment. "Thomas look some new people are here to say hello baby." she pointed to Danny and Alice, "Say hiya."

Thomas looked up at them a moment. "Hiya." then he went back to playing not at all interested in the new adults in the room.

Lisa rubbed her face and gestured to the three of them to sit down. Sandra took a seat and pulled out a note pad to take notes, Danny sat on a chair a little way away and Alice, well she was right in there. "Do you mind?" she asked Lisa gesturing the box she was carrying, really hating to ask but knowing they had to play by the rules.

Lisa looked like she wanted to reject Alice's request but shook her head and exhaled, "Go ahead."

Alice moved closer and sat cross legged, "Hey Thomas can I play with you?" she asked in her best sing song voice.

Thomas just ignored her and pushed a car around his garage imitating the noises they made. "Brrrrmmmm." chewing his lip as he navigated.

Alice removed the contents from the box she carried and set them up. She sat beside him and began to play with the cars. There was an ambulance, fire engine and police car. She pushed them around making the corresponding siren noises. It didn't take her long to notice that Thomas kept glancing her way, pretty soon he was openly watching her chewing on his finger. She smiled at him, "Wanna play?"

Alice couldn't stop looking at him, his jet black hair was thick and tousled on top of his head like he had just woken from a nap. His green eyes the image of his dads were full of fun and a natural inquisitiveness. After thinking a moment he looked over to Lisa, "Mama, me pway?"

Alice's inhaled breath hissed and her chest filled with pain at the sound of her son calling another woman that name. she wanted to look up and glare at Lisa but this wasn't her fault. She kept her eyes on Thomas knowing everything she said and done was being watched by Sandra.

Lisa sniffed holding back tears, "Go on son." she murmured voice almost breaking.

Danny had been watching Thomas but at the sound of Lisa's pain he was now looking at her. She was barely holding her composure while Alice sat there playing happily with Thomas. In all of this it had never occurred to him that Thomas' new parents would have loved him like a son now for over a year now. More unease piled upon him and he rubbed his neck feeling like he was choking, he had to get out of here and get some air. "Do you mind if I use your bathroom?" he asked Lisa.

"Top of the stairs, third door on the left." she told him without even looking at him.

Danny left Alice and Thomas playing and went upstairs slowly, it would have took him a while to figure how to open the gate, so he climbed over it!

When he was on the landing instead of taking the third door he accidentally took the second and he found himself in a space themed bedroom. The ceiling was blue with stars and there was a mural on the wall of aliens and astronauts. The bed was in the shape of a rocket and every inch of carpet was filled with toys. He could see through the window at this vantage point and in the back yard was actually bigger than the front and he could see a pool, swing set, climbing frame, sand tray, every toy imaginable.

He almost ran from the room into the bathroom but couldn't escape from what he saw….what they'd be taking him from. They lived in a little house, no toys in their back yard, in the past they had saved to give them all the could but….

After washing his hands he walked downstairs, figured out how to work the gate and returned to the living room. Upon entering he noticed the pictures which covered the walls, Thomas with people unknown to him. He had a family here, grandparents, cousins….taking him from this was wrong no matter how much they wanted and loved him. This family could give Thomas a life they couldn't. "Alice I need to talk to you a minute." he told her before he could talk himself out of it.

"I'm busy." she told him laughing with Thomas as she pushed a car down the ramp on the garage into another car, "Crash!" she declared.

"Alice this is important." he looked at Lisa, "Is there anywhere we can talk in private?"

Alice reluctantly left the boy and followed Lisa as she showed Danny and Alice into the kitchen and closed the door. Alice turned to him, "What is it? I was having fun! The more we bond the sooner he's home. It's going really well he seemed to like….."

"Alice stop please." he inhaled deeply ready for her onslaught, "I think we should leave him here for good."

Alice's eyes were suddenly flaming, "WHAT?" she yelled in absolute disbelief.

"Look at this place Alice, can we give him this?" he gestured around.

Alice took a step towards him, "We can love him far more than they can!" she countered. "Stuff doesn't matter!" and she crossed her arms.

"Alice look around, this kitchen is the same size as out bedroom! You see his bedroom! Not only that but he has family here, space to run and play."

Alice shook her head, "We'll make it just as good. Actually we'll make it better! He won't even remember this!"

He rubbed his face, "She loves him Alice, this is killing her! She's losing her son!"

"HE ISN'T HERS DANNY! HE'S MINE!" she was breathing hard. "What do you think leaving him here will do to me?" lowering her voice knowing losing her cool wasn't the answer.

"We've already lost him Alice." he told her in his softest voice. "You're not mummy and I'm not daddy. Not to him and he is what matters, not what we want."

Danny saw tears fill her eyes and her jaw clenching, holding back from lashing out or shouting, she knew he was about to suggest it again, more seriously this time.

"Why disrupt his life?" he asked her. "He will always be ours, a part of both of us but we can't give him this can we? We can give him a council estate with a tiny garden and love but what else?"

"Don't ask me to leave him here Danny." she murmured. "Don't!" her voice hardening. "I'm warning you."

"I need you behind me on this one Alice. And if you love him as much as I know you do then we leave him here where he's better off. Where they can give him every advantage."

Alice looked at him, an expression on her face he'd never seen before. "If we do this I'll never forgive you!" she hissed. "Are you asking me to do this?" she couldn't believe he was suggesting it! She wouldn't entertain the notion except that she knew she'd never get Thomas back without him.

"Alice…."

"ARE YOU?" she asked coldly her whole body stiff. If he said no she would forget he even mentioned it she told herself.

He nodded unable to voice it.

Alice body stiffened she shook, before she did something she regretted she spun on her heel and walked back into the living room. Danny followed and motioned the social worker into the kitchen with him. Alice couldn't stop hot wet tears from falling from her eyes as she sat on the chair watching Thomas.

"Are you ok?" Lisa asked.

"My husband says we should leave him here. He's settled, you can give him things we can't." she didn't even try to keep the bitterness from her voice.

"Oh." Lisa said, joy filling her a second until she saw Alice's broken expression.

"Yeah!" Alice snapped. "And it kills me because I know he's right but he's my son! MY baby boy, not yours!" tears falling steadily now as she bowed her head, "Could you do it?"

Lisa slowly shook her head, "No, I'd never be able to let him go." knowing exactly what Alice was going through.

Alice covered her face with her hands so her voice was muffled, "I can't believe I'm in this position, none of this is our fault." and she tried harder to muffle the cries which were steadily growing louder. "It was a mistake and now…"

Danny walked in from the kitchen with red rimmed eyes. He went to Alice but she stood up and pushed him away from her forcefully. Instead she wiped her eyes and went to where Thomas played and placed her hand gently on his head. "It was really nice meeting you today Thomas." she murmured running her hand slowly across his soft black hair. "And no matter where you go or who you're with you are loved." she then pressed a final soft kiss on his head. Alice moved away and Danny went to him. And knelt down. "Hello little one."

Thomas looked up at him then pointed to his eyes.

"Oh are we the same?"

Thomas nodded.

"I guess we are." Danny lowered his voice. "There is so much I wish I could tell you but we don't have the time. The most important is to take care of your mummy ok?" then he took the little boys hand and shook it taking one last long look at his son.

Alice was over by Lisa. "Take care of my son. You may have him now but I loved him first!"

"I will." Lisa promised.

When Alice had Lisa reply she had no reason to linger so without even looking in Danny's direction she left.

Lisa collected a book from a shelf and halted Danny as he began to leave. She pushed the book into his hand, "Here."

He opened it up and saw many pictures of Thomas. He closed it before he went to Sandra and changed his mind. "Thanks."

"No thank you." she told him. "You have no idea what this means to….."

Danny shook his head halting her words, "Don't thank me, I think I just ended my marriage."

"We never recovered did we?" he asked her softly.

Alice looked out of the window at the moon as she tried not to remember the feeling of leaving Thomas and the the weeks which followed.

"Why'd you agree?" he asked. "You could have said no I'm taking him and that's it, to be honest I would have supported you if you argued hard enough for it. I didn't want to leave him there, it just seemed right."

Alice finally looked at him, "Because I knew you were right but I didn't have the guts to do what you did, it was very easy to pin the blame on you afterwards. It didn't matter that I ignored everything around me but Thomas trying not to think about his house or his garden. I was so focused on getting him back I didn't think about what we were taking him from."

Alice sighed and he could hear the emotion within it.

"As a mother how could I have taken him form that? It would have been ok after a few weeks but he was there over a year! He would have known. And you were right, I wasn't his mum she was. If he cried he would have wanted her. I just needed to get him back, to prove that we were good parents, to prove to the social that everything my mum said was lies. Then it went from us being so close to having him to no chance in a split second. Then we split up and I knew I had to get away from where we were. I needed a fresh start away from all the memories. I needed time to heal. The final reason was because I knew where they lived, I couldn't guarantee that in a weak moment I wouldn't go back." she sighed again. "He looked so much like you, a far chubbier version though. Bam bam bam." she murmured.

Danny nodded.

"And here we are a decade later, I don't know about you bit I'm still no further forward. I have a small piece of peace but there are some mornings when I miss him so much I can barely think." she admitted.

Danny was frowning, there was something he'd wanted to ask since she left but he had never had the chance to…until now. "That last day, why'd you go? What was the last straw or was there one?"

Alice looked at him a moment uncertain then shook her head, "Now isn't the time to tell you this."

His brow furrowed, "What?"

"Danny…"

"Alice please." he said. "It'll just go round and round in my head."

Alice sighed and ran a hand through her hair feeling the soot on her scalp, while talking to Danny she had forgotten about the fire. gnoring the thoughtswhich threatened to derail this she began to speak, "Do you remember when we first lost Thomas we didn't talk?"

He nodded.

"We found different ways to cope, I kept busy, made plans to move and what not. You? Well…" searching to find a way to say it without being mean.

"Just say it Alice, I became a drinker. I drank a lot. I was stupid hiding from what I was feeling. There was a perpetual black cloud hanging over my head every day things just got worse and worse, looking back I was well on my way into turning into my father!"

Him saying that only made Alice feel worse about what she was about to tell him. "Well it was about 9 weeks after we lost Thomas and one night I asked you to come right home from work so we could talk about our marriage. I was going to suggest a separation then couples counselling. Instead of coming home you went out like so many night before and I lost it. By the time you got home I was steaming mad. You yelled. I yelled. Both of us said some pretty nasty things... then I brought Thomas into it. I said you didn't want him, never wanted him in the first place and you were happy he was gone. This was your way of punishing me for keeping him as we both knew you didn't want to be a father. I saw a look pass across your face…" she exhaled the effect it had clear on her face. "...and for the first time ever I was scared of you. You moved so quickly, pushed me and pinned me against a wall hands on my shoulders. You didn't say a word you just glared down at me. By this time I was terrified, I'd never seen you like this before and I had no idea what to do or say or even what you were going to do. After a minute you turned and left. After that I knew I couldn't stay."

Danny was frowning like he was trying to remember, "I…I don't…" an image came to him of Alice looking up at him with wide fear filled eyes, her chest quivering , mouth slightly agape as she stared…."Oh God!" he moaned covering his eyes. "I remember." he whispered. "I felt like I really wanted you to be quiet…oh my god!" he repeated chest shaking. "For a split second it crossed my mind….." he couldn't believe that he had put that look on her face, that it was actually directed at him!

"Danny it was my…"

He put a finger to her mouth silencing her instinctive response. "No way!" he told her. "No matter what you say its no excuse to even think that!" he bowed his head and put his hands around it. "You were 100% right to leave, I promised you no matter what you said or did remember?" he took her hands in his and forced himself to look at her even though shame made him want to look away. "I am so sorry for scaring you."

"I'm sorry for what I said too." she told him throat clogged with emotion at how much self disgust she could hear in his tone. She could also see the pain in his eyes and felt guilty. "I knew I shouldn't have told you."

"No, you were right to, we needed to say it all. Get everything out in the open."

"I didn't want to hurt you though." she told him gently. "That's the last thing I want to do."

He cupped her cheek and rubbed it absently, "You haven't."

Moonlight illuminated his face and as she looked into his eyes and felt his warm hand against her cheek the room began to get smaller and the air thinner. She stood up quickly, almost stumbling as she did so, "Anyway…" she croaked then coughed to clear her throat. "I'd better be getting to bed." she said pointing to the door.

Danny nodded. "Goodnight Alice."

"Yeah, you too." then without even checking what she was picking up she grabbed a few items she came for then left the room. Once the door was closed she released the breath she was holding, rested her back against the door breathing hard. She heard a noise at the front of the house and looked up to see Dupe leaning against the front doorframe looking at her with a sympathetic expression. He didn't say a word, just gestured to her to come to him by opening his arms.

She dropped her things and went to him taking the protection and solace his hold offered.

A/N not sure how my readers are going to take this one for some they won't believe that Alice and danny would willingly give their son up like that. Personally as a mum myself I tell myself I could never do that but as I ponder the reasons why they did it I begin to wonder if I knew a person could give my son a better life and he had been with them a year would I consider it? To be honest with the Danice it was a case of too much too fast, they weren't even mature enough to make their relationship work and they had a child.
Anyway would love to hear your thoughts if you loved or loathed it.