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Chapter Three - Yuki Receives Dating Advice

As the Wednesday edition of the SOS Brigade club session approached its end, I glanced at the empty chair by the window. Four out of five days, Yuki sat there and read, but on Wednesday she hung out with the Computer Club. After demolishing those cheating nerds at their own space war game with the help of her mad programming skills, Yuki visited them regularly.

A thick romance novel now covered the space on the seat normally occupied by her butt, and a cardigan draped over the backrest. Though she rarely spoke or moved, the room felt incomplete without her presence.

I turned my attention to Mikuru, who was in the process of getting dressed. I enjoyed watching her end-of-day routine almost a much as I enjoyed watching her strip naked two hours earlier. I chuckled a little when panties covered a fading pink handprint.

You see, it had become Haruhi's tradition to dress Mikuru in a new costume every two weeks, but that tradition had ended today. Haruhi sent down her executive order in typical Suzumiyan fashion; She stepped behind our club mascot and reached around to grab the girl's breasts. "For the rest of this year," our brigade leader exclaimed while joyfully squeezing those glorious melons, "you're staying one hundred percent totally and completely naked." She signed the executive order with a firm slap to the redhead's shapely bare bottom.

"Okay," Mikuru replied without complaint. "Should I clean out the closet?"

Haruhi allowed Mikuru to take home two boxes filled with old costumes. When Koizumi offered to help her carry the boxes down the hill, Mikuru graciously accepted his offer. The two left early to catch a train.

As Haruhi and I gathered our belongings, Yuki walked back into the room. She silently put on her cardigan and picked up her book. For some reason, I felt compelled to ask her a question. "Hey, Yuki. Why have you been reading so many romance novels lately?"

"I'm considering establishing a relationship with a boy and I'm striving to improve my knowledge of romantic encounters."

Haruhi zipped up her book bag. "No kidding."

"Do you have anyone in mind?" I asked.

"Koji Akiyama has invited me out on a date on several occasions. I have rejected his offers but he remains persistent."

"That dweeb from over there at the Computer Club?" Haruhi motioned to the side wall with her thumb. "I knew letting you spend time with those guys would lead to no good. First, a little programming, then a little database design, then software turns into hardware and before you know it—"

"Stop it, Haruhi," I said. "Koji seems all right."

"He's a computer guy, Kyon. Everybody knows they're porn addicts. Especially those perverts in the Computer Club."

"They're not all bad."

Haruhi put her hands on her hips. "Then why won't you let me visit them alone? Whenever I have a computer issue, you insist that I bring either you or Koizumi when I go over there because you're afraid they're going to gang rape me."(1)

"You need to trust me on this, Haruhi. I get a creepy gut feeling from that Computer Club president. I've been watching him closely since you swiped that computer from him and I can tell he's itching for payback."

"You don't have a problem with Yuki visiting without an escort."

"Nope. She's innocent in all this. I think the Computer Club president worships the ground Yuki walks on since she reprogrammed their space game in real time. He won't touch her. You, on the other hand, are prime beef."

Haruhi crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. So what does this guy Koji want to do with you, Yuki?"

"I don't think I like the way you worded that question," I said.

"He wishes to take me to a gaming tournament."

"That sounds like a great date idea," I said. "I think you should go."

She lowered her eyes. "I don't believe it would be prudent."

"Why not, Yuki?" Haruhi said. "You're a smoking hot babe."

"I fear he may not like me."

"That's crazy," I said. "Haruhi is right. You're awesome, so just be yourself. Once the guy starts spending time with you, he'll immediately appreciate your inner natural beauty. Right, Haruhi?"

"If you want insurance, suck his dick."

I turned to Haruhi. "What?"

"I'm talking blow jobs. Guys love blow jobs. Suck his dick and he'll be yours forever."

I glared at our brigade leader. "That's horrible advice."

"Horrible, but practical." She rested her hand on Yuki's shoulder. "And the taste isn't all that bad. It grows on you. Especially if the guy maintains his hygiene. Make sure he takes a shower before he picks you up." Haruhi grabbed a thick marker from the whiteboard and placed its end in her mouth. "It's an awesome feeling of power, Yuki." She sucked the marker in and out while licking it. "The ultimate in gaming. When your mouth's holding Koji's joystick, you'll be in complete control. You can direct the action any way you want."

"Stop it, Haruhi." I grabbed the marker and set it back on the whiteboard. "Don't listen to her. What she's telling you is complete bullshit."

"Oh really?" Haruhi lifted her chin. "Tell me you haven't been more amenable to my suggestions since we've started playing the Roadside Ejaculation Challenge."

"It's not true."

"You didn't give me any flack on the Mikuru nude mascot decision after I got you off. A year ago you would have slugged me for suggesting it."

"Mikuru genuinely enjoys her new outfit," I countered.

"You see that now, but be honest. You thought she'd freak. The fact is, you underestimated her. That only means I'm right again."

I picked up the marker. "How many dicks have you sucked?"

Haruhi put her index finger to her lips. "Thus far, this mouth has only sucked one penis." She pointed the finger at my package. "And that one shouldn't really count because we're only playing a game."

"So you made up the Ejaculation Challenge to control me?"

"No, I didn't. If you remember, we both came up with that game by accident. I absent-mindedly rubbed your leg one day while we were sitting on the bench, and you absent-mindedly got an erection."

"Why did you take it out?"

"You know I'm a curious girl." She furrowed her brow. "Why did you let me take it out?"

"Because I was close to busting out of my slacks." I sighed. "And I admit, I was a little curious too."

Haruhi chuckled. "Five strokes and a couple of pumps, and we're looking at a puddle of white goop on the street." She held up her palm. "Plus my hand and your wing-wang got kind of messy."

"You didn't have to clean us up with your mouth. You could have used your handkerchief."

"Is that what you'd like me to do from now on?"

I groaned. "Well… no. Of course not. I'm totally fine with the way you clean me, but…"

"So there. We came up with the game together. I had no idea jerking you off would make you so pliable. That was a totally unexpected benefit."

We both suddenly remembered Yuki, who was watching us with wide, confused eyes.

"Just go on the date with the goal of having fun," I said.

"And don't suck him off unless he buys you dinner," Haruhi added.

Yuki nodded and walked out the door.

Haruhi and I stared at each other for a minute.

She broke the ice. "Want to try to hit a bus?"

"Sure."

Footnotes:

(1) I'm referring to the events Kyon chronicles in a story posted elsewhere on the Internet titled, "The Gang Rape of Haruhi Suzumiya." Though that episode takes place in an alternate reality, Kyon's gut feelings seem to transcend these dimensional barriers. (You can google "dizog ao3" if you want to read it, but I'm warning you, it's dark, and you'll hate it.)

(2) Thanks to CV Ford for coming up with the great idea of having footnotes.