Darry looked in on Pony before going to his room, intending to change into night clothes before staying up to wait for Soda to get home. Pony had gotten ready for bed early since he had wanted to do more reading. Darry had read the same book in high school, but he hadn't been nearly as fascinated as Pony seemed to be. He had to admit though that reading was good for Pony. It was a distraction that also burned up mental energy that Darry knew could've had a negative impact on his little brother after everything he had been through. He also knew that it was good for Pony to have a focus, and school provided that for him. Pony had been worried about Soda lately, as well, but Darry could see that it wasn't consuming him, and for that, he was thankful. It wouldn't help Soda at all if Pony started to sink along with him. Darry honestly didn't know if Pony grasped the full extent of what had been going on with their brother, but he figured that may be a good thing.
Darry was pulling on an undershirt from the dresser when he heard a soft knock at his door. "Come in," he said, hoping it was Soda.
Darry felt it would be better if his brother came to him first. Soda would be more likely to talk, in that case. He saw his middle brother's face peek into the room.
"Dar, can we talk? Please?" Soda asked softly, eyes looking to the floor.
"Of course, little buddy. Get in here," Darry said.
Soda came in and closed the door, but still stood in the center of the room.
"Come sit down with me." Darry spoke again, sitting down on his bed.
Soda sat down next to him, appearing unsure about where to start. He was opening and closing his mouth, while fidgeting and looking at the rug. Darry decided to begin the conversation to try to draw whatever Soda wanted or needed to say out of him.
"Hey, Sodapop, look at me," Darry said, then waited until he saw Soda's eyes looking into his own. "You can talk to me. You know that. There's nothing to worry about, and you know I'd sit here with you all night if it would help." He touched Soda's shoulder.
Soda sighed before seeming to find the words he needed. "I've just felt so lost after everything that happened," he said, his eyes already filling with tears.
"Okay. Keep going. I know you need to, and that's why I'm here," Darry said, encouraging Soda, as he reached out to stroke his hair.
"First, Mom and Dad. Then, Dally and Johnny. And we almost lost Pony too, Darry. We almost lost him more than once. I had to be strong for you and for Pony, and I have no strength left for me." Soda voiced his feelings, his tone full of a sadness that had been aching for a way to express itself.
"Oh, Soda, I never wanted you to do that to yourself. Pony didn't either. We're here for you too. I could never repay you for helping me through the week he was gone or for sticking by my side when we lost Mom and Dad. You were amazing, little buddy, and that's because you're you, and you were always there. I'm sorry I didn't see that you needed more from me too." Darry felt his own eyes swell with tears.
"But Pony was caught up in everything. And you...you had to step up and take care of us. I just felt so stuck in the middle of it all and like I was being pulled apart. I'm still not sure where I fit now." Soda shook his head, closing his eyes, as the cries he'd been trying to keep back finally came to the surface.
Darry pulled Soda close to him, wrapping both arms around his little brother, hoping to be both the shelter and the comfort he needed so much in that moment. Soda clung to him, sobbing into his shoulder and hugging back, like Darry was the lifeline that could rescue him from drowning in all the emotions he had holding him hostage.
"Pepsi Cola, we need you. I need you. You fit right here with me and Pony. And don't forget, you're such a good friend too. Both Steve and TwoBit think the world of you. Pony adores you more than anything. Please don't ever think you don't have a place with all of us. You're an incredible brother, and we love you, Soda. I don't know what I'd do without you," Darry said, holding Soda tighter, as he heard him cry more at these words.
"I'm still so scared, Darry. I just want to feel better. It hurts so much."
"Shh. It's going to be okay. You can cry all you need to now. I'm not going anywhere, and nothing could make me. I've got you, and I promise I won't let you feel hurt or scared all by yourself anymore."
After several moments, Soda pulled away and wiped his eyes.
Darry observed his brother and could feel the guilt he'd first experienced the night he'd hit Pony come rushing back. How could he not have seen that was already hurting much more than he would let on then? Darry had been so often at odds with Pony at that time and for months before, but he had assumed Soda was doing okay. However, now, he knew their middle brother had simply bottled up his own pain and grief over their parents, then attempted to cope the same way again when Pony had taken off after their fight. Darry had always known that Soda took it hard when Pony wasn't home with them, but he had definitely underestimated the effect it would have on him, even after Pony came back. No wonder Soda had broken down and run out himself when Darry and Pony fought that next time, just after Dally and Johnny's deaths. In Soda's mind, he must've been afraid much more than a fight was about to happen yet again. He was right that they had almost lost Pony, and the whole gang had lost two good friends.
"Darry, when you and Pony were late last night, I was scared. I thought something had happened to you," Soda said suddenly, interrupting Darry's reflections.
"Oh, I'm sorry, little buddy. I should've called sooner," Darry apologized. He was glad that Soda chose to tell him about this. He didn't want his brother to hide anything now.
"Steve was here, and after you did call, I felt so embarrassed about how I was acting. He was right. You guys were fine, and it wasn't that late. I just couldn't help it though. I couldn't stop shaking and thought I'd cry any minute, then it felt like I couldn't catch my breath." Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder, still needing the comfort.
"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Soda. And Steve is your best friend. I'm sure he's just glad he was here to help." Darry decided to keep his talk with Steve to himself. He rubbed Soda's back, continuing to listen.
"It was a horrible night. I wasn't so freaked out anymore when I knew what was going on, but still overwhelmed, I guess. And I tried to feel better. I really did. That's all I was trying to do."
Darry thought Soda sounded like he almost pleading with his big brother to believe what he was saying. He couldn't help but wonder if there was more Soda was trying to tell him, and he had yet again found himself unable to express what was on his mind. "It's okay, little buddy. You haven't done anything wrong."
"But I should've...I just..."
"What?" Darry hoped Soda would say whatever he was thinking, but also didn't want to push him.
"Nothing. Thanks, Dar. For listening." Soda sighed and closed his eyes.
"No problem. I'm always here for you. Please don't forget that. And, Soda, don't bottle your feelings up anymore. Talk to me. If I need to, I'll ask you everyday how you're doing, and I want you to be honest. Okay?" Darry pulled away to look into Soda's still teary eyes.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. It just happened before I even knew, and I didn't know what to do," Soda apologized, then looked away.
"I'm not blaming you, Pepsi Cola. I didn't mean it like that. I just want to make sure you take care of yourself, and I want to help you."
Soda nodded to show he was listening, and Darry continued, leaning forward to meet his brother's gaze. "You don't have to hide anything. My door is always open, and there's nothing you can't tell me. No matter what's going on around here, you and Pony are my first priority."
Darry needed Soda to know that he wouldn't stand by and let him hurt. He wouldn't let him suffer alone. His brother had clearly done that enough. Soda needed love and support, and Darry was determined to be there for him and help him in any way he could. Soda's sense of stability and security had been shaken, and Darry would be there with him to help him heal and feel safe again.
Soda stared at the pot of water on the stove, waiting for it to boil. He wasn't much of a cook, but he did know watching the water wouldn't make it boil any faster. He just didn't have a good way to occupy his thoughts at the moment. He kept thinking about his conversation with Darry the night before. Soda had already known his big brother would be there to listen to him, but it still meant a lot to him to hear Darry say the words aloud. He had made it abundantly clear that he would be there to help Soda unconditionally. He had promised he wouldn't let him hurt alone. Those words had brought some solace to Soda, and he knew Darry meant it when he said he could tell him anything. He was also grateful for the way Darry had responded to the words and emotions that had finally tumbled out of him when he started talking. Soda still had so much more to say, but being able to give a voice to the grief, sadness, and fear that he'd been feeling so intensely was still a relief.
Soda saw the water begin to bubble and opened the box of spaghetti noodles before wandering back into his musings. He was grateful for Darry's determination to help, but appreciated the fact that he hadn't pushed when Soda couldn't figure out what to say. He didn't actually want to hide anything from Darry, but he couldn't tell him what else was going on yet. How was he going to tell his big brother that he had hurt himself? How was he going to say that he had cut himself purposely? Soda really had been just trying to feel better, to feel anything that wasn't the sadness that had enveloped him. Part of him wanted to tell Darry, but another part continuously insisted that he had to keep the secret. He had believed at first that he didn't need to tell anyone because it was only one time, but one time had already turned into three. Soda found he still wanted to hurt himself, and he didn't really understand it. He only knew that it made him feel a calming sense of release and relief. The brief respite only lasted for a few seconds, but it felt was oddly like some sort of rush. He felt guilty every time he did it, but that seemed to only fuel the desire to hurt himself again. He was struggling to admit the problem to himself, gradually grasping that he had cut himself once and started something he didn't know how to stop.
The front door opened just as Soda was pouring the spaghetti noodles into the fully boiling water. Darry came in, carrying two bags full of groceries. Pony followed with two more bags.
"Pony, come on, stop with the silent treatment," Darry said.
Pony didn't say anything, as he started putting groceries away.
"I don't know why he said that to me, okay? Can we please just let it go?" Darry tried again to get his brother to speak to him.
"What happened?" Soda questioned, finding the new jar of spaghetti sauce.
"Do you remember my old-" Darry started to say before Pony interrupted him.
"I'll tell you what happened, Soda. Darry ran into his old football coach at the grocery store. You know, Coach Miller? I heard him telling Darry to give him a call when he's done 'playing daddy.' He said he knows some people, and there are other options," Pony explained, rolling his eyes.
"Huh? Why would he say that?" Soda asked, puzzled.
"He was just being a jerk. He said it's such a shame I didn't go to college, and it's not too late. He was trying to say I should let him know when I want to do that, instead of taking care of you two," Darry clarified.
"All right. So what are you so mad about, Pony? Darry couldn't stop the guy from saying that, and he doesn't know what he's talking about," Soda said, as he stirred the spaghetti.
"Cause you should've said something, Darry. You just stood there!" Pony insisted.
"What was I supposed to say? I was stunned, and he walked away before I could even speak! Besides, we were in the middle of the store," Darry replied, rubbing his head that was beginning to ache.
"I don't know. But don't you ever think about it? About other options? About going to college?" Pony questioned, starting to raise his voice.
"What? No! You are Soda are my family. You know that, Pony. What's gotten into you?" Darry said, also raising his voice.
"I just think there's no way you wouldn't want better than this. You could've sent us to a boys' home and-" Pony was saying, when Soda interrupted.
"Stop it, Pony! Stop letting what some jerk said get in your head!" Soda snapped, unable to listen to Pony go on anymore.
"But Soda-" Pony tried.
"No. I know you worried Darry didn't really care before, but you know now that he does. Don't go back to thinking he doesn't want you," Soda said, as he turned off the burner.
Darry found himself unable to say anything, as he watched his brothers argue back and forth. He hadn't expected Soda to get in the middle of this at all, but he had jumped in with both feet. The conversation at the grocery store had been infuriating to Darry because he felt his old coach had been way out of line to suggest he give up his brothers, but he had no idea Pony would get so worked up over it.
"Why aren't you on my side?" Pony asked, not realizing he was crossing a line with Soda.
"Oh, Pony, don't go there..." Soda said fiercely, shaking his head.
"Hey, Soda, it's okay. Just leave it," Darry put in, hoping to defuse the tension in the room.
"Pony, don't you get it? I'm on both your sides. I always was. You just never knew what I said to Darry when you weren't around. I always had his back too. I can't just back you up when you're wrong!" Soda exclaimed, disappointed with the direction of this argument.
"But Soda, you always understand me. You always listen," Pony insisted.
"And I still do, Pony. I get it, and I hear you. But you can't be so hard on Darry. Come on. You guys are past this. Don't look for reasons to think he doesn't want you," Soda tried to reason.
"But you always stick up for me..." Pony let himself trail off.
"Well, look what happened last time I stuck up for you when you were fighting with Darry," Soda pointed out, feeling irritated.
Soda turned away from Pony, pretending to focus on draining the spaghetti that he'd almost forgotten about during this heated discussion. He hated thinking about the night Pony ran away, but that last comment had just rolled off his tongue before he could stop it.
"Pony, we'll talk about this later," Darry told his little brother, eyeing Soda curiously.
"Why not now?" Pony asked, clearly not as done with this as both of his brothers were.
"Cause I said later." Darry insisted. "Look, you've got school tomorrow. Go finish up your homework."
Pony shuffled away, though he still wanted to argue. However, he was beginning to realize he was indeed being too hard on Darry. He hated it when Darry was too hard on him, but here Pony was now doing the same thing to him. He knew Darry loved and wanted him, but the coach's words had struck a nerve. Pony also hadn't anticipated Soda getting involved, and he certainly hadn't expected him to jump in and point out how wrong he was.
"Soda..." Darry started.
"Don't worry, Darry. I'm okay. Let's just eat," Soda said, grinning slightly.
"Are you sure, little buddy? It's already not like you to step into our arguments, but what you said just then about sticking up for Pony? I didn't know you thought of it that way."
"It just slipped out. It's not something I think about too much. Can I tell you later? I don't feel like it right now."
"All right. Thanks for what you said though, about having my back."
"Aw, you already knew that, Darry." Soda smiled and handed Darry a plate of spaghetti.
"I did, but it's good to hear. I'll talk to Pony again when he isn't so upset. Coach Miller never did have a filter."
Darry shook his head, remembering the coach's comments. He really did understand why it upset Pony, but he couldn't control what other people chose to say. Darry knew now that Pony must still need reassurance. The kind of worries and feelings he'd had didn't go away overnight. He contemplated this, as he looked at Soda again. The sadness he'd expressed the night before couldn't have resolved that easily either.