Darry wouldn't admit it yet, but the sight in the living room was a relief. Soda sat on the couch, staring at the TV that was playing an episode of Bonanza. He had a can of beer in his hand. There were two more empty cans on the table in front of him.
"Sodapop, you know I don't want you drinking. You hardly care for this stuff anyway," Darry said, as he took the mostly full can from his brother.
"Better than what I could be doing," Soda pointed out, as Darry tossed all three cans in the trash.
"All right. I get it, but still, no more."
"I just wanted something that felt good. Like a rush." Soda thought for a moment. "But I just feel funny now."
"Well, you were never much of a drinker." Darry took a seat next to Soda, deciding to be direct. "That's what it does, isn't it? The cutting? It feels good for a second cause it's an adrenaline rush. Maybe even a high."
Soda sighed, realizing Darry had gained an insight he was still trying to grasp himself. "Yeah. You're right," he said.
"Hey, it's okay," Darry told his brother, as he rubbed his shoulder.
"I got in a fight today, Darry."
"Steve told me. I looked for you at the DX before I came here. He told me how you were after too. That you were shaking.
"Yeah, I left and didn't tell Steve. I wanted to be by myself, and I knew he'd try to stop me," Soda explained his absence.
"Do you blame him?"
"No. I get it. Man, I didn't even want him to pull me out of that fight." Soda paused and looked at Darry. "But I think if Steve hadn't been there, I'd have gotten in over my head."
"It was a rush, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, and I wanted more."
"So you thought you'd take beer from the fridge and try getting drunk instead?"
"Pretty much." Soda shrugged.
"I have to be honest here, little buddy. I don't want you to be alone right now. I think you know that, or you would've told Steve you were leaving."
"I do know that. I can't expect you not to feel that way, I guess. You and Steve both," Soda admitted.
Darry obviously didn't want Soda cutting, but he was also concerned about his brother searching for the same release in drinking or fighting. That wouldn't turn out well either. Any of these things would ultimately hurt him. Darry had an idea that he'd decided he would ask Soda about soon. He knew Soda needed to talk. That was the only way he'd start to cope better, and Darry wondered if a change of scenery would give him the chance. Maybe if Soda was able to get away for just a little while, those emotions he'd bottled up so tightly would finally begin to grant some peace to his spirit.
"Don't you know if you wanted to have a few beers, I'd have joined you?" Steve asked Soda, grinning.
"I know," Soda replied, flipping through the other issue of Car and Driver magazine he'd just dug out of the closet.
"Man, you hardly even like beer anyway," Steve pointed out, sitting down next to Soda.
"Well, thought I'd try again." Soda shrugged. "Doesn't matter anyway. You know Darry. He doesn't want me drinking."
"Darry has to say that. He's your brother, but he's your guardian too. But, really, are you doing okay?"
"I guess. Sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving the station. I just wanted to be by myself."
"I get it, man. But I'm trusting you to come to me if you need to. I mean it."
"I know. I will. Thanks, buddy." Soda meant his appreciation for more than just the present moment.
"Anytime, Soda. I always got your back," Steve promised. "Hey, want to head down to the Dingo? We haven't been there in a while."
"Sure. I feel like getting out anyway." Soda closed the magazine and tossed it onto the bed.
Pony was searching for a photo he remembered taking of his dad and Johnny. "Ah! Here it is!" he said, smiling, looking at the photo of two of the people he missed very much.
Underneath that photo was one of his mom and Soda. Pony took both of them out of the box and was about to close it when something else caught his eye. It was his dad's old Roy Rogers pocket watch. Pony picked it up, thinking Soda would like to have it too. It was still ticking, after all.
Darry sat in the kitchen with bills spread across the table, as he scribbled numbers in his checkbook. Managing money at his age made him glad he had actually paid attention in math class.
The door banged open, and Pony strode in with TwoBit behind him, blabbing about a blond he'd been chatting with at the Dingo the night before. "She really dug my sense of humor," he was saying.
"I should tell her to run for the hills before she gets mixed up with the likes of you," Pony kidded.
"Ha, you just want a shot at her yourself," TwoBit joked.
"I wasn't even there, TwoBit," Pony shot back, grinning as he rolled his eyes then went out on the back porch.
"Hey, Darry, can I talk to you a minute?"TwoBit asked, suddenly serious.
Darry raised his eyebrows, curious. "Sure, man. What's up?" he asked, putting the paid bills into a neat stack.
"I was at the Dingo last night when Soda and Steve were there, and I overheard something I think you'd want to know," TwoBit said.
"So tell me. Is it about Soda?" Darry questioned, knowing it must be.
"I don't mean to rat my buddy out. You know that, but I know something ain't right. Soda was talking a big game about drag racing to some River King."
"River King? I've never known Sodapop to talk to any of them."
The River Kings were considered Greasers too, but they were closer to being an actual gang. They were rough and much more dangerous than anyone Darry would want either of his brothers hanging around. Dally hadn't even gotten too mixed up with any of those guys.
"Well, he was. I heard him challenge the guy to a drag race. Man, it'd be one thing to race with Tim Shepard's guys or something, but not them," TwoBit said, concerned.
"He's out of his mind if he thinks he's doing that. I don't trust those guys. That's no friendly contest." Darry was thinking much more than he could say to his friend right then.
"They set it for tomorrow night. Is Soda okay, man? It's one thing for him to be his reckless, fun self, but this is over the top," TwoBit said.
"I think he's really not okay, and this is him trying to find a way to be, but that race is not happening. Not with Soda in it anyway." Darry shook his head, knowing he had to confront his brother.
Darry couldn't have Soda going off and getting into trouble, trying to quench the thirst for a release or a rush. He would either get in too deep and get hurt, or he'd find it didn't work and end up cutting again anyway.
Before TwoBit could reply, Soda scrambled inside and opened the refrigerator.
"See you, Darry," TwoBit said, not wanting to stick around for the argument he knew was bound to happen.
Darry nodded at him in thanks before turning to Soda. "So, were you going to tell me you're planning on drag racing a River King, or did it slip your mind?" he asked.
Soda looked surprised, as he closed the refrigerator. He suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. "I was going to tell you, Darry," he said.
"Somehow, I doubt it. Forget it, little buddy. I know what you're after, and I'm not allowing you to get into something dangerous to chase a high."
"You don't know a damn thing about what I'm after!"
"Hey, watch it," Darry warned, narrowing his eyes.
"Just leave me alone, Darry! You don't get it!"
"Then, tell me, Sodapop, so I will get it!"
Soda suddenly turned and walked away, and Darry heard the bedroom door slam. That went well, he thought. He figured he'd give Soda a moment before he tried to talk to him anymore. Darry moved the remaining bills and his checkbook to the counter before making his way down the hall. He knocked on his brothers' door. "Come on, Soda, let's talk," he said.
The door opened, and Darry thought Soda had calmed down. He was wrong.
"What the hell am I supposed to do? How crazy am I to feel better when I slice open my own skin, than when I try so hard not to?" Soda yelled.
"What did you just say?" a voice asked.
Darry turned to see Pony standing behind him, staring at Soda. This just keeps getting better, he thought.
"Someone answer me!" Pony exclaimed.
"You heard me, Pony," Soda said, knowing he couldn't take back the words Pony had heard.
"No, you'd never do that." Pony took a step back. "You'd never hurt yourself," he said.
"I did, Pony. I'm not anymore, but I did," Soda said softly.
Pony kept shaking his head and then bolted out the front door.
Soda made to go after him, but Darry pulled him back. "Just wait, Soda. You know Pony. He'll come talk to you when he can," he said.
Soda nodded, and Darry watched him, searching for any clues that might hint at what he should do or say next.
"I don't want to cry anymore, Darry," Soda said, feeling tears swim in his eyes.
" There's nothing wrong with crying, little buddy. Do what you need to do," Darry said.
Soda fought the tears and felt his chest tightening. He didn't want to cry though. He wanted to be angry. Anger seemed so much easier to cope with and control. He wanted to be mad at Darry for telling him he couldn't be in the drag race and mad that Pony had overheard what he said. He hadn't wanted his little brother to know he'd ever cut. Yet, Soda was really mad at himself for the situation he had created that led up to this.
Darry was unsure what else he could say, as he took in the bleak and discouraged look on Soda's face. He had honestly expected him to feel better too, not worse, but the cutting was a symptom of a bigger problem. It had been his way to act out the pain he was feeling.
"Damn it! I tried to deal with the pain and only made more pain!" Soda said, still fighting the tears.
"Soda, why don't we sit down?" Darry offered.
"No! Don't tell me what to do!"
"I'm only trying to help you."
Soda suddenly wanted to lash out at someone who wasn't himself. Nothing else had worked to take the edge off the searing pain that was trying to pull him under again. Maybe he could get the upper hand this time. Soda told himself that he could make the tears disappear if only he could get angry enough. Then, there would be no more room for grief, fear, or sadness. "Well, don't!" he snapped.
"Sodapop, listen to me, little buddy. I get you're angry," Darry tried again.
"It feels so much easier to just be angry. If I'm pissed off at the world, nothing else will be able to touch me."
Darry remembered Pony telling him something Dallas had said to him right before Johnny died. He told him to get tough and nothing could touch him. No, that couldn't be Sodapop. He wouldn't let him even try it. "Soda, stop it. Don't bury everything else you don't want to feel underneath that anger. That's how Dallas was." Darry paused, knowing his next words might set Soda off again. "And look what happened when we lost Johnny."
"I'm nothing like Dal." Soda seemed to deflate.
"Exactly. But I'm telling you all he could feel was anger, and you're not like that. Please don't do that to yourself." Darry relief flood through his heart.
"What do I do?" Soda finally looked into Darry's eyes.
"Stop shutting out whatever it is that still hurts so much. I told you I want you to tell me everything. That'll help." Darry came to stand in front of Soda and put a hand on each of his shoulders.
"Sorry I yelled at you, Dar," Soda apologized.
"It's okay, Pepsi Cola. Hey, I got an idea that might help you."
"What's that?"
"Remember Lake Spavinaw that Dad used to take us to?" Darry asked, knowing Soda would remember.
"Yeah. Seems like every time I needed to talk to him and get something off my chest, it happened there." Soda grinned a little.
"I know. Me too. He had good timing. I think we should go. Just you and me. It'll get you away, and you can talk without thinking of anything else."
"Okay. Let's go."
"You'll talk to me out there? Everything?" Darry was still looking at Soda.
"Yeah. I will. I promise."