"Remember that time you were about five and fell asleep out in the snow?" Darry asked, eyes twinkling in a smile, as he set his folding chair up next to Soda's and grabbed a sandwich and a drink from the cooler.
"Yeah. I do. Hey, I was tired, and at least I built a fort to nap in out in the cold!" Soda said.
"Man, you were freezing out there when mom went to get you. Good thing you had on that big coat you liked so much!"
"I always did love the snow."
"Did? You still do, little buddy. Last winter, I remember dad dragging you in after you'd been out there for hours throwing snowballs at anything that moved!"
"I was doing just fine until the next thing that moved was Dally!" Soda laughed at the amusing memory.
"I thought he was going to kill you. He might've if mom hadn't dragged him inside too," Darry pointed out, still laughing.
"That same winter, Johnny hit Dal with a snowball," Soda remembered. "I think he was too surprised to be mad."
"Ha, I didn't know that."
"Just me and Pony were there, I think. Not like he could ever get mad at Johnny anyway," Soda said, taking a bite of his sandwich.
"It's still so pretty out here." Darry looked out at the shimmering lake. "Last time I got to come here was just after I busted my knee in that football game and had to sit out the season. Dad brought me, and I couldn't do much with the hurt knee, but it didn't matter."
Soda watched the sun beginning to set in the sky, as he breathed in the chilly evening air. This really had been a good idea. In this setting, Soda could feel a sense of calm, and that would help him when they talked.
"Hey, Soda, I'm going to pitch the tent before it gets too dark. Then, we'll build a fire." Darry thought for a moment. "We can talk by the fire or walk somewhere down by the water, whichever you want."
"I want to stay over here. This was a real good idea, Darry."
"I'm glad you feel that way." Darry began to work on the tent.
Soda and Darry sat on a blanket by the fire they'd built. Soda looked up at the moon, as he zipped up his jacket. He glanced at Darry, as he felt his brother's hand on his back. "Night is so hard for me, Darry," he said. "It's better out here, but still."
"I know, little buddy." Darry rubbed Soda's back.
"But I think I know why now. There's something I never told you. I don't even want to remember. I keep trying to forget, and I think I even almost did." Soda looked at Darry and felt the concern radiating off of him.
"Tell me. I promise I'll listen."
"The night of mom and dad's accident, I was supposed to be in the car." Soda blinked back the tears he'd known would come.
"What do you mean?"
"They were on their way back from that Christmas party Dad's work buddy had. Mom thought she wasn't going to get home in time to go." Soda looked down at the ground.
"So? How does that mean you were supposed to be in the car?"
"I told Dad I'd go with him. Then, when Mom did make it home just barely in time, I bailed and went to Steve's instead."
"Oh, Sodapop...I didn't know."
"You weren't home. You couldn't have. I never told anyone about the change of plans. After the accident, I felt so guilty, but you were tied up with trying to get custody of me and Pony," Soda explained, as the tears he'd tried to keep back flowed down his cheeks.
Darry stared at Soda, searching his memory for any clue that had been left in the wake of their parents' deaths. He found none, and he knew it was because they had all been so consumed with grief. There was nothing that could have betrayed the extra layer of sorrow Soda had been carrying then.
"It should've been me, instead of mom! I should've at least been there with them!" Soda cried, beginning to choke on the tangle of emotion in his throat.
"No! Don't ever say that!" Darry cried, also letting his own tears fall. No wonder, he thought. Everything going on with Soda suddenly made so much sense. He absolutely hadn't done anything wrong, and nothing was his fault, but Darry could see why his brother felt guilty.
Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder and felt his big brother's arms close around him tightly, as if Darry were trying to keep him safe from the storm of grief that had had many months to gain strength.
"I love you so much, Sodapop. You weren't in that car because you were meant to be right here with me. I couldn't have made it if we'd lost you too." Darry said, as he held his brother.
Soda held onto Darry, as he continued to sob violently. His brother's words flowed over him, and he felt he had finally found some of the comfort he had sought for too long now. "I love you too, Darry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I kept thinking I should've been there too, and I just wanted to bury the guilt." Soda let his tears soak into Darry's shirt, still clinging to him.
"It's okay, Pepsi Cola. You were just a kid. You really still are." Darry kissed Soda's head.
"I miss them, Darry. And I've been so scared of losing anyone again since then. All I could do was try to hold on to you and Pony, and I really did try."
"You still have us. Don't forget that." Darry pulled away to look into Soda's eyes.
"I know. I mean, there's something else you don't know."
Darry felt a chill run down his spine, as he comprehended Soda's words. No, there couldn't be more. Soda couldn't have hidden yet another painful secret. "Just tell me. Come on, you're doing great," he encouraged, gently touching Soda's face.
"I went after Pony the night he ran away," Soda said softly.
"What?" Darry was confused.
"Yeah. You were in your room. It hadn't been long, so I went out, thinking I'd see him somewhere."
"All right. So you didn't find him. You couldn't have known where to look."
"But I could have! I wasn't too far from the park where Johnny stabbed that Soc, and I heard something. Like some arguing or fighting." Soda shook his head that was beginning to ache. "I got scared and ran home. I thought Pony might be there. He wasn't."
"Soda, you couldn't have known." Darry spoke in a firm voice.
"But after mom and dad, it was supposed to be my job to keep us together!" Soda yelled, jumping to his feet.
"You were sixteen years old. That was never your responsibility," Darry reasoned, as he also stood up.
"No, I don't mean like as guardian. I mean close and not fighting and at each other's throats."
"I'm so sorry, little buddy. I'm sorry you felt that kind of pressure and that Pony and I fought so much."
"Being the middle brother, I've felt like I have to be everything to both of you, and after mom and dad, that started to pull me apart. And not even just because you guys fought." Soda felt more tears come to his eyes.
"Why then?"
"I've wanted to help you with the bills and Pony and all that, but at the same time, I've felt like I'm still a kid. Like I've been trying to be part guardian and part fun older brother too."
"Oh, I understand, little buddy. I've felt like that too, but I am older, and you know very well that I got much more focused on the guardian part," Darry sympathized, but also grinned at his brother.
"And then, when you guys fought, I felt like I needed to stop it. When Pony ran out, I wondered if I should've just stayed out of it then." Soda sighed and looked toward the sky.
"You were only trying to help. As upset as I was that night, even I knew that."
"But if I hadn't jumped in and stood up for Pony, he never would've yelled at you."
Soda didn't finish the whole scenario from that terrible night, but Darry knew he meant that if he hadn't jumped in, then Darry would've never hit Pony. He remembered the argument he'd had with Pony just days ago and how Soda had jumped right into it. He understood now why that had happened.
"I'm the one who hit him, Soda. It wasn't your fault at all. Me and Pony both did things we didn't mean to do that night," Darry said.
"I ran after him, thinking I could fix it though. Maybe I could have if I hadn't run back home when I did. Then, nothing else would've happened." Soda shut his eyes against the memories.
Darry heard Soda's unspoken words. If he had been able to fix it, Johnny would've never had to save Pony from drowning. They wouldn't have gone to Windrixville, so Johnny and Dally would still be alive now. Soda was torturing himself with "what if's."
"Or, if you hadn't gone home, you might have gotten hurt too. We can't know. You only did what you could do. Believe me, I've had my regrets, so I get it, but you have to let it go," Darry insisted.
"I'm trying. That's why I'm telling you all this. I think the guilt over mom and dad's accident just makes it worse too." Soda stepped closer to Darry and wrapped his arms around him.
"I can't imagine it, Soda. I hate that you've been in so much pain all this time," Darry said, holding his brother again.
"It all hurts so much, and it's been there long enough that I don't remember not feeling guilty or scared or just sad."
"It's going to get better from here, little buddy. I understand everything now." Darry gave Soda one last squeeze before letting go and leading him back to sit down by the fire.
Soda lie back on the blanket and soaked in the glow of moonlight. Darry watched him and thought he could almost see the peace he needed and the security he'd lost begin to descend upon his brother. He grasped Soda's hand and held it, as he said a silent prayer that he would finally be able to start to heal.