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Ch. 23 Look Down into Your Soul

(CLARE)

"You had sex with him!" Fitz blurts out when I stumble over telling him that I lost my virginity to Jeff. "You lost your virginity to him," Fitz says in a strained and painful whisper that stabs at my heart. I look at Fitz and see the hurt on his face and I hate that it's there because of me "I have to go," he speaks tersely and turns for my door as the pain on his face turns to anger.

"Fitz wait," I beg but he keeps walking, "Mark," I plead again and my voice cracks with sorrow and tears. He doesn't stop, he doesn't look back he just walks out. I sink down on my bed, a tear crawls down my face. I hear the front door slam and then a second later I hear Adam speaking to Bianca in the hall but I can't entirely make out what their saying. I hear Adam speaking to someone else or perhaps on the phone and then he comes into my room.

"You want to talk about it?" Adam asks sitting on my bed.

"I didn't mean for it to hurt him," I reply wiping the tears from my eyes.

"What?"

"He found out about me and Jeff; found out that we had sex."

"Yeah I was kind of hoping I wasn't right about that but I had the feeling that's what you were doing on Sunday. Is it what you wanted? Were you safe? Did he treat you well?"

"Yes to all three questions. It was wonderful; he was very sweet it was perfect. I really like Jeff but I really like Fitz too. I didn't mean for him to find out and I didn't mean for it to hurt him. I wasn't thinking about Fitz when I decided that Jeff was the right person. I wasn't thinking what would happen when Fitz got out; I didn't expect him to get out so soon."

"He's upset he probably thought you'd lose your virginity to him I think most of the group did," Adam comments.

"I know and I did too until Jeff. I mean Owen was fun but he and I would never be anything more than friends we weren't serious it was just fun, and trying to drive Drew crazy. I thought I'd have more time and that Jeff would be back in Guelph when Fitz got back. Then he showed up Monday night all banged up because of Reese and I felt terrible. I need some time alone to think," I tell my twin.

"You know where I am if you need me," Adam says giving me a kind brotherly smile. He hugs me lightly and leaves the room closing the door behind him.

I lie on my bed trying to clear my thoughts but it doesn't work very well. Instead my thoughts swirl around, I have one thought and then another thought pushes that one out. Part of my head, part of my heart, and part of my body want Fitz. Part of my head, part of my body and part of my heart want Jeff and a smaller part of all me wants something else entirely, something that I'm not quite sure of yet. The one thing I do decide on after a time of anguishing with my thoughts is that I need to go talk with Fitz. I grab my phone and coat going out to the living room.

"I'm going to talk to Fitz," I tell Adam and he nods. I get outside just as Drew is getting home from football practice.

"Where are you off to?" He inquires.

"I need to talk to Fitz, he found out about me and Jeff," I reply.

"Hop in I'll give you a ride," Drew says.

"Really?"

"Well last time you walked to his house you went to a party and got very drunk, you were brought home by Owen after he and Lucas rescued you from Stripster. Come on I'll take you over," Drew says and I get in the car. It's not that far to the Fitzgerald house and we arrive there in a few minutes. "Call if you need lift home, no parties," Drew says firmly when he parks. I roll my eyes at the no parties comment and thank him for the ride. I hear Drew driving off as I walk to the front door, I knock and Sean answers the door. He looks at me with a soft smile and then steps aside so I can come in.

"Can we talk?" I request of Fitz.

"I'll go get your stuff from the Mason's," Sean says before he leaves me with Fitz.

"You had sex with him what more is there to say?"

"I didn't have sex with Jeff to hurt you. I wasn't thinking about you at all and I shouldn't have been because that moment was about me and Jeff. It was everything I wanted, I was happy," I tell Fitz annoyed at first and then my voice softens and my lips curl into a reminiscent smile. Then looking at the pain on Fitz's face my smile drops to a sullen remorseful twist. I walk over and sit next to him on the sofa. He looks at me; I bite my lip and take his hand. "You showed up on Thanksgiving and were bruised and battered from Reese and I knew it was Reese and I knew it was because of me. I felt so guilty and like I'd betrayed you in some way by being with Jeff while you were getting beat up by Reese."

"Is that why you could hardly look at me on Thanksgiving? Why you left so quickly when you came to see me and why you were avoiding me so much this morning?"

"Yes," I admit quietly.

"Then why the sudden turnaround at lunch? Suddenly you couldn't seem to get enough of me."

"When you told me I was hurting you by avoiding you I felt worse. I never meant to hurt you and I didn't realize how my avoiding you was hurting you even though I should have. I had sex with Jeff because I care about him and he cares about me but it doesn't mean that my feelings for you were lessened in any way. I like you Fitz and I care about you very deeply you should know that. I never meant to hurt you but I wanted to be with Jeff and it felt right. I knew he would only be here for a short time and I wanted to be with him, I wanted it to be Jeff that took my virginity."

"You asked me to take you out next weekend, answer honestly Clare was that out of guilt or do you really want to be with me?" Fitz asks.

"That wasn't guilt that was wanting to be with you Mark. I like you and I feel good when I'm when I'm with you, you make me feel good and I love being with you. I want to go on a date and I want to be with you."

Fitz smiles now, cups my face and seals our lips together in a happily blistering kiss. We're still kissing when Sean comes back, we hear him unlock the door but Fitz and I are happily making out and don't break apart.

"I guess everything is okay," Sean comments locking the door.

"Yeah everything is good," Fitz replies with a grin breaking our kiss.

"Em will be home soon you want to stay for dinner Clare?" Sean asks.

"Yeah I'll stay for dinner," I smile.

Since Drew already knows where I am I don't have to call home. I can't do my homework because all my stuff is still at the house so I help Fitz with his homework. I stay for dinner and Emma talks about school, she doesn't have work tonight which means she and Sean actually have some time together.

"Why doesn't Fitz come back to my place and sleep over so you guys can have the house to yourselves," I comment when dinner is over.

"Yep see you guys tomorrow," Fitz grins getting up from the table and going to his room to pack a bag. Fitz's mom was never much of a parent and Fitz has never really needed to check in or ask permission for anything. Not that Sean didn't keep tabs on his brother but nowhere near the way my brothers keep tabs on me.

"You guys want a ride to your house?" Sean asks me.

"No we can walk," I shake my head.

Fitz comes out of his room with his backpack; it's a little fuller than usual so he must have packed a change of clothes and maybe a toothbrush. We keep extra toothbrushes at the house cause we have so many guests and with so many brothers there's plenty of toiletries for guys at our place. We say goodnight to Sean and Emma then Fitz and I leave his house and start walking to mine.

"Fitz is sleeping over," I enlighten Spinner when we walk in.

"Hey Fitz," Spin nods to him.

"I never finished my homework," I comment to Fitz as we walk back to my room.

"Guess everything is okay," Adam remarks coming out of his room.

"Yeah he's sleeping over but I have homework to finish."

"Maya's sleeping over too," Adam smiles.

I take Fitz into my room and he sits on my bed playing on his phone while I do homework. When I'm done we start getting ready for bed, it's fairly late at this point and we have school tomorrow.

"Is Drew going to care that I'm sleeping over? Does he know that you're not a virgin?" Fitz asks when I come back to my room after brushing my teeth.

"He's never cared before when you slept over and yeah he knows he figured it out when I was sore the next morning. He let Owen sleep over and he knew we were doing things. You're not actually worried about Drew are you?"

"My ribs are still sore so I couldn't fight very well and I'd rather not be on the bad side of your brother. So who else knows?"

"Adam and Owen, Drew probably told Bianca but Spinner doesn't know."

"I told Sean and he'll probably tell Emma," Fitz confesses as he takes off his shirt. I gasp at the sight of the bruises on him. The worst of it is on is right side a few inches below his armpit is an area about seven inches long and four inches wide that's various shades of purple and blue. He has other bruises all over his abdomen, some are still very dark and others are fading to green and yellow.

"Oh Mark," I cringe going over and running my fingertips over the bruises.

"It's not that bad," Fitz says taking my hand.

"What do you mean it's not that bad? It looks terrible, I hate Reese for doing this to you and I hate that he did it because of me," I say biting my lip and looking away.

"Reese did it because he's crazy and I'm fine. Let's get to bed," Fitz insists.

He takes off his jeans and gets in the bed; I change into pajamas and turn off the lights. When I get in bed Fitz wraps his arms around me, I turn on my side but I'm afraid to put my head on his chest because of all his bruises. So I lightly put my fingers on his chest and put my head on the pillow.

"So on our date next week what do you want to do?" Fitz asks.

"It doesn't matter what we do the thing I want is to be with you."

(MAYA)

"I am so bored," I muse to myself as I flop back onto my bed.

It's Saturday afternoon and normally I would be with Adam or my brother or hanging with the girls, today however I seem to be the only ones without plans. Mom is working a double so she'll get home sometime very early Sunday morning and she'll go straight to bed. K.C. is working today, later he'll meet up with Joey and Caitlin for some baby thing or other. Jenna is already with them spending the day doing things together and preparing for the baby. Clare has been forced on a camping trip with Drew; they left this morning and will return Sunday night. Emma is working all day so Sean and Fitz are spending time together. Since Drew and Clare are bonding in the woods Paige and Spinner decided it was also a good time for bonding, not with each other since they're about as bonded as two people can be. No Spinner is spending the day with Bianca to get to know her a little better and Paige is doing the same with Adam. I have no idea where Johnny is but he must have plans since he wasn't anywhere we normally hang out. Jay is working all day and Lucas is sleeping off a hangover. Owen is at a training or something, something to do with hockey that's all I know and he's gone all day. Tris is off with his boyfriends as usual and Zig has Saturday detention which leaves me alone and bored. I know all this because last night at the football game Clare was complaining about having to camp with Drew and everyone else began talking of plans for the day.

It's not as though I can't entertain myself I can but I've already played music and written a song. I did some stuff on the computer and took a shower and now I am bored bored bored! Deciding that there's something better to do than hang in my room alone I put on shoes and a coat, grab my purse and leave our apartment. I could always just hang out at the Mason's until someone is home, we all know how to get in and all of us in the group are always welcome. I'd still be alone though and probably bored. Instead I go to The Break Room; there aren't that many people here for a Saturday afternoon. I get a milkshake and people watch but I'm still bored and decide to go to The Dot, Above the Dot should be opening soon and at least there will be people I know there.

I leave The Break Room walking towards The Dot; I know the route so well I'm hardly paying attention and sort of daydreaming. I'm thinking about Adam and how sweet he is, I'm just beginning to picture our future wedding when the loud honking of a car horn startles me. I look over to see a black muscle car, it's older from the 80's or so and the driver is a young man that looks to be about Lucas' age although it's hard to guess age. He gives me a friendly smile but honestly it gives me the creeps.

"Need a lift?"

"No that's okay I'm just going up the street," I reply and keep walking.

He drives off and I keep walking but then I see his car parked up ahead. A chill runs up my spine and I freeze in my tracks. When he gets out of the car and starts walking toward me I turn and run! Jay lives close by and I start running for his house, I hear someone running behind me and look back to see the guy chasing me. I turn down the street Jay lives on and I see his house up ahead, his garage is open and he's working on his car or some car. I take a deep breath to call out to Jay but the guy catches me, his hand reaching out he grabs my hair and I shriek.

"You should have gotten in the car," the guy says tossing me over his shoulder all of a sudden.

"PUT ME DOWN YOU CREEP!" I scream as loud as I can.

"Shut up," he growls and starts running with me on his shoulder which is digging into my stomach making it difficult to breathe let alone scream. I'm just beginning to get terrible visions of being kidnaped and what this guy will do to me when I hear screeching tires as a car stops in front of us and someone gets out.

"Hey asshole put her down," Jay growls and I heave a sigh of relief.

"She's my girlfriend we're just having some fun," the guy tries telling him.

"No actually she is the girlfriend of one of my closest friends and the younger sister of another. Now put her the fuck down or I'll smash you're head in while you're still holding her and have to get brains and blood all over her clothes," Jay asserts but the guy still hesitates. "One…two," Jay counts and the guy finally puts me down. "Maya get in the front seat," Jay instructs me and I jump in his car.

As soon as I'm in the car I look at Jay, he's brandishing a tire iron and he hits the guy with it. He hits him across the face and the guy crumples to the ground unconscious. Jay reaches into the man's pocket and pulls out his wallet then he opens the driver door and tosses the wallet and tire iron in the back before opening the trunk. I watch as Jay picks the man up and puts him in the trunk then closes it. Jay gets in the driver's seat and we return to his house just down the street so the drive takes all of about five seconds.

"You okay?" Jay asks me when he parks.

"Thanks to you yes," I nod. Jay takes the man's wallet from the back and I follow Jay into his house. I sit on the sofa and Jay hands me some water while he gets out his cell phone.

"Turner it's Jay some asshole just tried to kidnap Maya. His name is uh…" Jay pauses to look at the guy's wallet and look at his ID, "Seth Bryant…Yeah she's fine, a little shaken but I have her hear at my place…Oh well he would be in the trunk of my car…Yep see you soon," Jay says and hangs up. "Turner's on his way with some other officers, it's a good thing you screamed or I never would have known I was busy rebuilding the engine on this Miata I just got. It's just a shell but I got it for a steal. Are you hungry I was just thinking about what to do for dinner," Jay remarks. I nod but then break down, shaking and crying. If Jay hadn't been home or hadn't heard me I'd be in some pedophiles car right now. Jay sits next to me and puts his arm around me. "It's okay you're fine and that prick won't ever go near you again."

"I'm sorry I'm okay just shaken, if you hadn't been there…" I start and then shake my head because I don't want to think about it. "I guess I could eat," I nod wiping my tears. Jay gives me a nice smile and orders some pizza from his phone.

"Just what were you doing walking alone?" He questions after placing the order.

"Everyone was busy; I was just on my way to The Dot."

"You're starting to sound like Clare," Jay comments.

"We can walk the neighborhood alone without getting into trouble," I shoot back.

"You can but we want to know that you're safe, at least you ran here though," Jay says and then there's a knock on his door.

"That was fast," I remark seeing Officer Turner through the window in the front door.

"Must have been close or they rushed over because I put the guy in the trunk," Jay responds walking over and opening the door.

Officer Turner comes in with two more officers; a female officer takes my statement while Jay takes Turner and the male officer out to the car to show them the guy in the trunk. Jay gives his statement to Turner and the other two officers take the guy to the hospital to be looked at but he is being arrested. By the time Turner is done the pizza is here, Jay turns on the TV and we eat dinner. Jay closes his garage and does some other stuff in his house after dinner but always comes back to the sofa and watches TV with me he's just letting me know he's here. A little after nine my phone rings and it's Adam.

"Hi."

"Hey Beautiful what are you doing? You want to come over?"

"Yes I do I think Jay can bring me over I'm at his place," I reply and look Jay. "Can you take me to Adam's?"

"Yeah no problem," Jay nods and gets off the sofa.

"Jay will bring me over I'll see you in a few minutes," I tell my boyfriend and hang up.

I grab my stuff and we go out to Jay's car, the drive to the Mason house only takes a few minutes. Jay parks out front and we walk in together, the door is rarely locked when people are home but only the people in the group know it. Adam is on the sofa but greets me with a kiss.

"She ran into some trouble and I nearly killed a guy," Jay tells them. Paige shoots him a look because when Jay says he almost killed someone he generally means it quite literally. "He was trying to kidnap her I hit him with a tire iron and put him in my trunk then I called Turner and he was arrested," Jay explains. Paige seems relieved that that's all that Jay did while Adam has gone a little pale. I kiss his cheek and pull him down the hall to his room so we can be alone.

"I'm okay Adam he started following me I was close to Jay's and I went straight there. Jay took care of it and I'm fine," I assure my boyfriend giving him a gentle kiss.

"I know but he tried to kidnap you and when Jay said that my heart stopped. I love you Maya I couldn't take it if anything happened to you."

"I love you too," I smile.

"I don't have any plans tomorrow we'll spend the whole day together," Adam tells me.

"Sounds good," I grin as he puts his arm around me and we lie back on his bed. "So how do you think Drew and Clare are doing on their camping trip?"

(DREW)

"We got a nice spot," I grin parking the car and at our camping spot.

"We're in the middle of nowhere," Clare grouses.

"That's the point of camping. Come on we need to set up before it gets dark," I tell her getting out.

Clare begrudgingly gets out of the car and helps me get the stuff out. She was silent the whole way here, she hates that she was forced up here and she hates camping. We get the tents set up and I start a fire while Clare looks through the food to find something for dinner. We sit down at the fire when the food is ready.

"So are you dating Jeff or Fitz?" I question after a few minutes of silence.

"I'm not dating either, Fitz and I have a date next weekend and Jeff is back in Guelph. If Fitz asks me to be his girlfriend I'll probably say yes," Clare replies.

"So you like Fitz but lost your virginity to Jeff?"

"I like them both and Fitz was locked up. I wanted to lose my virginity to Jeff and I did, it felt right, I really like him and I really like Fitz. I like them both, I really like them both."

"So if you start dating Fitz and Jeff comes back what then?"

"I don't know," she sighs putting down her food.

"Well which one do you like more?" I question setting my empty plate down.

"I don't know. Jeff is very sweet, and very forward. I was first attracted to his almost brash forwardness. He's nice, he's a good writer and we definitely have a carnal connection and physical attraction. He's a good guy, a true good guy, he's popular and cute and smart. He's probably too good for me and he's going places. Jeff is…great, perfect actually he's perfect. I barely know him and hardly know anything about him and he barely knows anything about me so there's still mystery which is appealing. I admire Fitz for his strength and loyalty. I love the way he looks at me, how he treats me like I'm the only girl in the world he's ever noticed. He's sweet and he's kind even after all he's been through. He knows pretty much everything about me which is good and bad I suppose. But he's promised that he won't get sent back TJCS before and he ends up back there, taking care of his mom, which I guess he doesn't have to worry about anymore but he does things to impress Sean or acts without thinking like he did when the guy tried to rape Bianca. The guy deserved what he got but Fitz was sent TJCS and it could have been for a lot longer than the six weeks he stayed. Even if he never goes back he'll never go to college, probably not even junior college and I don't think he has any future plans. Still we've been sort of fated to be together since I can remember. Anyway I'm not sure how much I'll make of myself. Even if I get a full ride to a school leaving you and Spin and Adam would be hard. Leaving everyone would be hard, I mean you drive me crazy but we're all we have and I couldn't be far away, not from you guys or the gang."

I've never heard my sister talk like this. Speaking of a future and analyzing the boys she likes and why she likes them. I also hear the slightly defeated tone in her voice. It's a little frightening how she sounds like she's just given up on things or maybe herself.

"Clare you're one of the smartest people I know, you can do anything. It would be hard for me to leave you and Adam and Spin too but if B gets accepted to a far off school I'll be going with her. If you don't want to go to a school that's far away then go a school here Toronto has some great schools. Do you think you have to be with Fitz just because you guys were sort of paired off?" I inquire.

"No I like Fitz, I feel safe with him and he makes me feel good. My feelings for him are genuine but the fact that we've been sort of thrust together since childhood is a little annoying. Even so I do have feelings for him, strong ones."

"So if Jeff and Fitz were standing before you and wanted you to choose?"

"I don't know that I could. I like them both the same but in different ways and for different reasons. Of course Jeff is an hour away and I…Fitz and I are meant to be. We'll probably get married and live in Toronto forever," Clare comments before getting up and grabbing the bag of marshmallows.

"Wait," I speak up after thinking about what she just said for a moment, "do you think you deserve to be with Fitz because you think he'll never make anything of himself?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. I really like Fitz he's a great guy but he'll probably just end up in prison. I know he promises to never go back to TJCS but he's said that before. I hate when he gets sent away and I don't think he's ever given a single thought to what he'll do after school. I think I deserve that but not him," she says roasting a marshmallow.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I think I deserve to be with someone who won't be anything. Although maybe not Fitz because he may not make anything of himself but he treats me so well and I just don't think I'm worth anything," she confesses quietly with same defeated tone she had before.

Her words stab at me, hearing that she thinks she deserves nothing and is not worth anything kills me inside. I had no idea she felt that way or thought that way. Have I really been so wrapped up in keeping her safe, so wrapped up in Bianca and me and my friends that I missed when my sister gave up on life and herself? Does that explain why she behaves the way she does around boys? Why she seems to attract trouble?

"Clare I don't ever want to hear you talk that way. You are worth everything, you deserve the world and whoever you end up with should be able to give it to you. I don't know what Fitz will be after high school or what Jeff will be or who you'll end up with but I know you deserve the best. You're smart and you're beautiful and you're kind and any guy is lucky to be with you. You're going to do great things Clare, you and Adam both have the potential to do anything you want and I've always thought you'd both be successes no matter where you go to university or where life takes you. I never realized it before but we failed you. Me and Spin and Dad we all failed you. How can you think you're worthless Clare?"

She doesn't answer, she's been biting her lip and looking down and now I see tears crawling down her cheeks. We've been sitting across from each other on opposite ends of the fire but now I get up and sit next to her. I put my arm around my sister and hold her tight.

"It was a long day I'm tired," she says quietly and gets up going into her tent.

I grab a beer from the cooler and sit there watching the fire for a long time thinking about everything Clare's said tonight. For the first time ever I feel like I actually know my sister. I've spent fifteen years protecting her, looking out for her, scaring boys away from her, wiping her tears, holding her when she was scared but I never had any inkling she felt that way or thought that way. I never would have guessed her reasons for being with Jeff or her thoughts or true feelings for Fitz. What worries me is how long she felt like she was nothing and what she would have done if she'd kept feeling that way or what she will do if I can't keep her from feeling that way.

Update next Saturday will probably continue with their camping trip and include Johnny's birthday and his party.