I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

But if we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

...

I missed you.

I missed your everything, from the weird strands of your hair to the thumping of your boots against the floor. Remember that time when you tried to surprise me with an attack, but your damn boots gave you away? That was so funny because you were more irritated than surprised.

I missed those irritating sneers that you gave me or those flirty stares you threw my way.

I missed seeing you eat my food. Your brutish way of eating. The loud chews and burps. Or the subtle chink of silverware against china. People wouldn't believe me if I told them that you were not a hopeless case when it came to fine dining. Even I could not believe it, not until when you told me that you actually looked it up, so you wouldn't end up embarrassing me on social functions I coerced you into. I don't know how to respond, so I kissed you instead. Deeply. Not even caring if there were people who were looking at us. I did not care. All I want was to convey how I feel about you properly.

I missed how you stayed with me and hugged all night when Zeff fell ill. You were so calm that day while I was making a ruckus. I shouted at everyone and almost kicked the shit out of that excuse of a doctor. You stopped me and held me close as you whispered in my ear.

"He would be fine and Zeff would kick your ass if he heard what you had done he when he woke up." Just these simple words made me realize how frustrated I was, so I turned my emotions down a notch. I clung onto you and felt your warm hand tracing soothing circles on my back as I wept quietly.

Were there times when you also missed all these things? Did you miss me? Did you imagine me behind your counter as I cooked younyour breakfast? Did you remember my food whenever you order shit food at that pizza place you really loved? Did you wish to see me when the smell of nicotine floated around you? I wished you did.

Someone said that the most important people were the only ones who could hurt you. Were you angry at me because you still cared? You wouldn't waste time seeing me if you didn't, right? I KNEW you. I knew how lazy you were, but you still chose to see me that day. You still cared for me. You probably still loved me.

Perhaps, there was still a chance for us? Perhaps, we could still be together. I would heal the wounds I caused you. I would fixed them, all of them. This was a bad idea. I fucking knew that! I desperately held on these wishful thoughts day by day!

I swore to never hurt you again!

I'd go back in time and change it, but I couldn't. I was not a magician or a wizard or some fucking genius who could make a time machine and stop myself from spewing hurtful words at you. I wouldn't end up hurting ourselves.

But the sad truth was you would never forgive me. Not anytime soon. Not until the pain and the wound healed. Not when I could still remember those cold eyes boring deep into my soul. Not when I still loved you this much. Not even in this lifetime.

I understood.

That's why this would be my last goodbye.

This would be the last apology you would hear from me.

I would disappear from your life.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Goodbye.