Don't forget to visit the DeGrassi Saviors website and go to my page daily for clues and pictures related to that night's chapter. You can also see a calendar for my full writing schedule.

The July calendar is up, July is one shot week and short story month. August will be up soon as I get it all worked out. Things are going to change a little in August, life and work are so busy right now it's becoming too much to post every day and I'm skipping a lot of chapters. So beginning in August I will no longer be posting weekly one shots, I'll be doing one shot weeks every other month and a one shot month. There will be one day each week, the same day, that I do not post so I can get other things done. I'll also likely be moving the schedule around a little.

Sorry that it's so short tonight but I figure short is better than none. There is a lot going on right now and it's been quite the day.

Ch. 32 Not a Matter of If just a Question of When

(JAY)

I place the gun against my temple, I hear footsteps coming but I ignore them as I cock the revolver and put my finger on the trigger ready to pull.

"JAY!" Spinner and Sean yell and I pull the gun away to look back at them. I want to end it all but not in front of my two best friends.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sean demands as he runs over and grabs the gun from my hand.

"I'm dead anyway," I inform them.

"What are you talking about?" Spinner asks.

"I went to the doctor a few days ago and they called me back in yesterday. My blood test was positive for HIV. I'm HIV positive, I'm dead anyway just go away so I can end it my way."

"We're not leaving so you can kill yourself, it's not happening," Spinner replies.

"I have a death sentence," I growl back.

"No you don't. Don't get me wrong this really sucks and your lifestyle is probably going to have to change but AIDS research has come a long a way. You're not dead yet and before you do something like this you need to at least find out what your options are," Sean asserts.

"Sean is right, there are medications and support groups and probably other things. What did the doctor say?" Spinner asks.

"I don't know, she told me and I left."

"Yeah and we've been worried about since yesterday. Why didn't you come to us?" Sean questions.

"Because she told me and all I could think was that I was going to die. I was angry and I need to get away. I spent a lot of time being angry and not thinking and then thinking that I was going to get more and more ill before I die. I don't want to get sicker and weaker I want to go out my way. What kind of life am I supposed to have now?"

"I don't know but I know you have time and you can't just give up now. You're not even ill, you just found out and if you take care of yourself you can live a long life. If you become ill at some point, I mean truly ill and we know the end is coming and you want to end it on your terms then fine but you can't just end it now and give up without even trying," Sean asserts.

"I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now but you're not alone. You have all of us Jay, all of us and we will help and support you however we can. We need to talk to the doctor, the three of us need to go so we can hear all the options. You need to find a support group, you need to be with other people who are going through what you are," Spinner says.

Their words sink in and I crumple to the ground on my knees as I begin to cry. Sean and Spin sit on either side of me, each putting a hand on my shoulder. I've never cried very much, not even as a small child but at the moment I can't seem to stop. Spinner and Sean don't say anything they're just with me and eventually the tears stop.

"Come on let's get you home, you ride with me and Spin will drive your car."

I nod and they help me up, I hand Spinner my keys and we walk back together. I get in Sean's car with him and Spin follows in my car.

"I don't know what to do Sean, I just feel like I'm going to die, it's all I can think about."

"I know but that's why we need to go and talk to your doctor, or any doctor. You, me and Spin first thing Monday or sooner if we can. We'll find out all our options, what kind of chances you have and what you need to do from here. Do you know how you got it?"

"I can only think of one thing, Manny. When we had sex on Halloween I didn't use a condom. If that wasn't it then I have no idea," I sigh. I have this terrible feeling Manny knew or found out right after and that's why I never heard from her again. It doesn't take long to get home and I unlock the door.

"I'm going to take Spinner home; I'll be back in fifteen minutes tops. Take a shower and don't do anything else," Sean asserts.

"I promise," I nod.

"If you ever feel like killing yourself again call one of us," Spinner tells me before hugging me.

"I'll be right back," Sean reminds me.

"I'll be here I swear," I nod and they leave.

I go to my washroom and start the shower. I stay in the shower for a few minutes but just to rinse off and wash my hair. All I can think about is how close I came to ending it all today. Just as I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist the doorbell rings. Sean has his own key so it must be one of the others, I peek through the peephole and open the door when I see Fitz and Clare.

"We were at my place and my brother called," Fitz tells me.

"You selfish idiot," Clare snaps smacking me several times. "You can't kill yourself we need you! I've lost so many people and we just lost Zig and you were going to just kill yourself in the woods!"

"I know I'm sorry but I was shocked and scared and I don't want to die sick and weak," I tell them as Fitz takes Clare's arms so she stops hitting me.

"I understand that but you were going to give up without even trying! I've never known Jason Hogart to give in without fighting to the end. Didn't you think that we'd want to know instead of hearing that you were found shot in the woods? Don't you know we're all here for you you big moron! This isn't the 1980's a diagnosis of HIV or AIDS is not an automatic death sentence. If you ever disappear like that again I'm going plant a tracking chip on you," Clare threatens.

"I'm sorry okay, I should have talked to someone or told someone what the doctor said but I freaked."

"You're allowed to freak, you are not allowed to disappear and try to kill yourself."

"It was stupid and I swear to you I'll never do something so stupid again. If I get the notion to end it all again I'll call someone."

"You'd better, I was really scared, we all were and we just lost Zig. If we'd lost you too…" Clare's sentence drifts off as her eyes fill with tears.

"You're not," I assure her hugging her tightly, "not yet anyway and if it comes to that I'll talk to someone first I won't just disappear."

Clare nods against my chest and we hear the front door open, I look over as Sean comes back in. Clare and Fitz say goodbye before leaving.

"Emma is going to bring dinner over and Paige is going to look up a good doctor and support group for you," Sean tells me.

"Thanks," I nod.

"Spin is telling everyone and I'm sure everyone will want to see you but we told them to give you time. Although I guess Clare didn't listen, not that she usually does."

"It's okay she needed to say it and she needed my reassurance I wasn't going anywhere yet. And I needed to hear how selfish I'd been and how much I'm still needed."

"And you are."

"I just have no idea what to do now or how much time I've got left."

The update next Saturday will probably jump a couple of days and include Jay confronting Manny.