APRIL
Staring at Jackson as he walked out of the room, it was hard to decipher exactly what I felt now.
Not for him, not at the moment. The anger at his choice of petulance could be saved for another day. Instead, all could do was funnel that exact anger to the man currently standing in front of me – the man who had apparently cheated on me with someone who was now my competition professionally. Was she personally, too? I didn't know who Cristina was beyond a face and the fact that she had been less than receptive to me. Did everyone here know about this? Was this why they had reacted to my presence the way that they had?
My eyes widened in a weak attempt to try and conceal the tears that I could already feel forming in their ducts and I took a deep breath through my nose. I had every right in the world to be angry with him and yet I didn't want to be – no, because I wanted to chase down Jackson instead and tell him the truth about that night. Well, not so much that night as the days that had followed. There was so much to tell him, that it hadn't been my fault nor my choice in the matter, that I had never wanted to do something like that to him. I could feel my hands shaking. But it wasn't just anger. I wanted to cry, too. I had put my trust in him and he had thrown it away. I didn't even know when he had done it, but apparently, enough of the others did.
I opened my mouth to say something and no real noise comes out. It opened wider as if I were going to yell and still there's nothing more than silence. I could see the fear begin to emerge in Riggs' eyes. He had never seen me angry before. I'd never had a reason to be around him before. But I could feel myself about to explode.
Yet again, the only thing that I can find is pained silence. I want to scream and I want to yell at him, there were so many questions running through my mind about how he could have possibly done something like this to me… But the disbelief was still there. Maybe Jackson was just trying to hurt me and throwing out something completely crazy. But that wasn't like it, it never had been. Even though when he got angry, he got very angry… he wasn't a liar. He had always been honest with me for my entire life. Too honest, sometimes. There was no reason for that to change now.
Or maybe there was. But there was only one way to find out.
"Is it true?" I finally had the nerve to question, taking a deep breath. "Did you sleep with Cristina Yang?"
"April…" Nathan sighed out, running his hand over his face. "It's not that simple, okay? Don't make me out to be the bad guy without at least hearing me out. 'Cause it's clear that guy doesn't like me. I mean, Avery and I have never been friends – but now it really seems like he's out to get me, or something."
"Because of what? Because he told me the truth?" I rose my voice, hand flailing out as I spoke.
"Yes, I slept with Cristina." He confessed. "But it was just sex, okay? There was nothing else to it. Sex and nothing else." He tried to plead his case. "I don't feel anything for her. Not like I do for you." My jaw dropped. I don't know if the words are supposed to make me feel better or worse.
I yelled, unintentionally. "Well, then what in the world did you do that for?"
"Sex, okay? You have your thing about being a virgin which is, you know, great for you, but not as great for me. And I know better than to try and push you into changing your mind about it so–"
"So you just went and slept with someone else and thought that was a good solution?" I interrupted.
Nathan fell silent for a moment and now he looked equally pissed off. I didn't understand why. He had made a mistake and he was the one who had screwed up – it was time for him to own up to it and apologize, not get angry back at me for having a reasonable reaction to what he had done. Yet I can only think that for a second before the guilt began to seep in. I reacted like this every time someone was angry at me, no matter what it was. I just couldn't help myself.
"I'm sorry, okay? April, I am. I didn't want to hurt you." He finally apologized. I sighed.
"I'm sure you are." The words come out much more bitter than how I intended them to be delivered and I can't help but cringe internally once they had been said. "Listen, I… I don't know. I just need to think about this. I need a break from us right now, okay?"
"Okay, that's fair," Nathan agreed. "But I love you, April, okay? I do. Just… remember that."
Grabbing my purse from my locker, I can't bring myself to return the same sentiment to him at the moment. Another time and I might have, but all I can think about is him and Cristina naked and that it was somehow my fault because I wanted to stay a virgin until I was married. I shuddered to myself once I was past him and moving quickly down the hallway. It wasn't an image I liked.
Laying in bed that night, I can feel the exhaustion spread throughout my body. My legs are relieved to no longer be carrying the weight of the rest of my body and sink heavily against the mattress. The rest of my body followed suit without hesitation. The only disturbance is the sudden shift in my mattress as my cat jumped onto the bed, circling along my feet before settling down on one side of my calves. Lucy was a tuxedo cat, a stray that I had left out a bowl of milk for one night and who had returned every night after. I had taken her to the vet and there had been no microchip, so from that point forward, she had been mine. She still came and went a bit, preferring the outdoors, but often she fell asleep on the bed with me.
"Hey, girl," I murmured. All I can see of her in the dark is her tail flicking side to side.
Even with her on the bed though, I can't fall asleep easily. I don't toss and turn like I want to for the sake of not disturbing her. Exhaustion wasn't enough to seduce me into a good night of rest. There was just too much on my mind about what needed to be done. First, I needed to talk to Jackson. He needed to know the truth because I didn't know how I was ever going to handle things at the hospital if I had to deal with him hating me for something that wasn't my fault. Then maybe I could figure out what I was supposed to do about Nathan.
The morning comes and when I finally get a glance of myself in the mirror, dark underage bags staring back at me. I was going to be early for work. That was undeniable. But maybe I could get some coffee for Jackson and myself and potentially talk him into sitting down to have a real conversation with me.
I didn't know if he still drank coffee the same way that he did in high school. Probably not. I'd thought that he was silly back then and always went for tea or hot chocolate myself, but that had quickly changed come college. I ordered myself an iced vanilla latte and got him a hot cup of coffee with two sugars and a splash of milk thrown in it. Hopefully, it would be just enough to get a small smile out of him. That was all I wanted.
Getting to the locker room, I tried not to be too impatient as I waited for Jackson to show up. A few faces that I don't recognize come and go, making it hard not to look awkward. When he finally arrived, I brightened up with a smile for him.
"Hey!" I greeted him, voice squeaking out louder than I expected to. I thrust the coffee forward toward him. "I brought you some coffee. Black with two sugars and a splash of milk. That's how you used to like it, so…" Eyebrows raised up hopefully and I could finally breathe out some relief when he took it from me.
"Thanks," he muttered. Jackson lingered, staring at me a moment before walking into the locker room.
I followed him. "I was hoping that maybe we could talk," I suggested. "There's a lot I want to tell you."
"I don't think that's a good idea." He stated as he began to change. I moved to my locker to do the same.
"Jackson, please," I tried to keep the whine out of my voice. "There's a lot that you don't know. I know… what you think happened but I promise that it is not what actually happened, okay? I want to tell you the truth about everything but I don't want to do it right now before work." I was worried I would cry or maybe he would, and I certainly didn't want to be overheard. It was a long, honest conversation to have and I couldn't get my mind through that before going into work. Especially if it was going to be hard enough to get along with the head of trauma. "Just a conversation." I changed shirts quickly before turning back to face him. "Please?"
"I…" Jackson turned around to face me and no doubt got a good look at my puppy eyes as I stared up at him, hoping to plead with him in whatever way possible. Maybe it was a little low for me. "Okay, okay, fine. We'll talk after work, okay? Is that fine?"
"Yes!" I tried to contain my excitement. "Yes. Thank you, Jackson, thank you. I promise you won't regret it."
"Where do you want to meet?" He asked, brow raised.
I took a deep breath. "Uh…" I had no idea. I didn't want to meet somewhere at the hospital but I had nowhere else in mind to go, either. Even though I had been in Seattle for three years now, I had barely seen the city because I had spent so much time working my butt off. "I don't know," I shook my head. "Wherever you like."
"How about the bar across the street? We can get a booth." Jackson suggested.
"Yes, that's perfect," I smiled. "I'll meet you there after work, okay?"
"Okay." He nodded.
Jackson agreement to talk with me at the end of the day was a better shot of energy than anything inside of my own coffee cup could have done to help me get through the rest of the day. Even so, I down the coffee eagerly before finding my way to the emergency room again.
Changed into light blue scrubs and my lab coat on my shoulders, I clipped my pager onto the waistband of my pants before heading down to the emergency room again. No group of other giggling interns gets in my way, fortunately. Maybe getting here early was the best way to avoid all of those nasty little things. I had confronted Nathan but not Cristina. It wasn't her fault – not in the same way, at least. She wasn't the one who was in a relationship and slept with someone else. I would have to learn how to deal with her. But not right now. I had work to do.
The emergency room was busier today than it had been yesterday and that was a good sign, as far as I was concerned. It meant there was less of an excuse for Dr. Hunt to try and send me away and not deal with me just because of who I was sort-of dating. but it wasn't like he knew about the spat that we had last night, and the break that we were now taking because of it. Or maybe he did. I didn't know how word traveled around here yet.
"Dr. Hunt!" I chirped out eagerly as I approached, offering a big smile. "Where do you need me?"
"Ah, Kepner…" He started slowly. "Well, we have an incoming. I suppose it's time to let you get your feet away." Dr. Hunt was considerably more friendly today than he had been yesterday. I kept the smile on my face even if there was an air of skepticism to it this time.
"Thank you, sir," I said with a small nod. "I appreciate having the chance to prove myself and I promise that I won't let you down." I absolutely needed to impress him if I wanted to keep my job here.
Hunt gave me a forced smile, staring down at me. "I uh, heard about what happened between you and Riggs." Oh god. Oh no. Please, please, don't let him go there… "Sorry to hear about it."
"I don't think it's a good idea to talk about that," I said a little too quickly. "I uh, I just rather not."
"Well, he did the same thing to my sister," Owen said. "So, I'm sorry."
"Oh." I blurted out, unsure what else to say. Nathan had never mentioned anything like that before but there was an explanation for why the two of them didn't get along. Somehow, it was nice (or as nice as it could be) to hear it from someone besides him. I couldn't trust him to give me the truth, apparently. Now I knew that he had a history of cheating on women. "I'm sorry about your sister." I murmured, pressing my lips into a thin line.
Fortunately for saving the both of us from being too painfully awkward, the incoming that he mentioned pulled into the ambulance bay with the sound of their sirens blaring. I pulled on a yellow trauma gown and followed him out to bring the patient in. Another was coming from the same MVC. It was early enough that the other residents were doing rounds on their patients, not immediately in the E.R. That gave me the perfect chance to get on board with things here without too many other people getting in my way.
This was my first chance to get inside of an operating room here and I couldn't have been more excited. One of the general surgery attendings that I don't really know yet comes down with the case, Dr. Bailey, only a few years older than me and yet she had a clear fire that bossed around everyone else in her path. That was impressive. She had a commanding presence that was a little bit terrifying and a little bit inspiring given how tiny she was. I was used to being one of the smallest doctors in the room. She may have been even shorter than I was, but with the energy that she put out, it was almost impossible to tell. It matched the talented that she displayed in the operating room.
Standing in the operating room for hours and holding a scalpel in my hand was a thrill like nothing else. This was the perfect thing to get me started and ready for the conversation that I needed to have with Jackson tonight. I couldn't have asked for anything more better. And yeah, maybe I'm a little glad that it's not Dr. Hunt that I have to work with. It saved me from some of the possible awkwardness.
Once I'm out of surgery, though, my plans are something else entirely. On my lunch break, I make a quick stop at the closest farmer's market that I can find on Google Maps and get myself a box of fresh strawberries for tonight.
The rest of the day goes by faster than I expected even if I don't have the benefit of getting inside of the operating room again. I knew that I couldn't push my luck with things here, of course. I needed to do enough to keep my head above water but I didn't want to make the rest of the residents hate me, either. I needed to learn to get along with them, one way or another.
When it was time to clock out, though, I don't stick around like perhaps I should to try and get ahead of the curve. My plan with Jackson is something that I can't afford to be late too. It was a blessing that he had agreed to go in the first place and I wasn't going to waste that opportunity or throw it away with something as trivial as being late. I showed across the street at the end of the day, sitting in one of the booths with a glass of water and the strawberries placed on the center of the table as a peace offering. This had to work.
Watching the door carefully so that I could spot him the second he got there, I jolted up and waved my hand like a maniac when Jackson walked through the door. He noticed me immediately, nodding his head.
"I'm going to get something to drink," he said when he walked over to the table. "Do you want something?"
"Uh, just whatever IPA they have on tap." Plain and simple, but maybe I could get rid of some of the nerves. I had hope and a small feeling that putting the truth out there would be the real curve to mollifying my frayed nerves.
"Alright," Jackson gave a nod before walking away.
I waited impatiently in the booth, suddenly more antsy now that he was under the same roof as me than I had been before. But this was the moment that I could make things right before, or at least, start to build a bridge between the two of us again. I couldn't have this one stay burned. He had been too important to me in the past. I wanted him back in my life. Everything would have been so much better if we could fall back into our old ways.
When he did finally rejoin me with two beers in his hand, placing one down in front of me before sliding into the booth across from me, the smile filled my cheeks again. This should hopefully be easy to explain to him.
"Thank you for coming, Jackson," I smiled at him, wrapping both my hands around the cold beer. "I really appreciate it. I… I always wanted to tell you what happened."
"Uh-huh." Jackson didn't look entirely convinced by it. "So what's the story?"
"My mom." I started, taking a deep breath and pausing to take a sip of the beer. Not bad. "It was my mom, every bit of it. Almost every bit of it. She saw you kiss me on the porch step and less than a minute in the house, she was ready to tear me a new one. She told me that I could never see you again and it was unacceptable to be with someone like you. I… I think part of it, um…" This was so embarrassing. "I think part of it might have been a race thing? I don't know. That was something I thought about later, not at the moment, because I was furious and– we got into this big fight. I said things that I had never said before and certainly disrespected her, but… she didn't get it. All she saw was me being corrupted by you or something. I was going to run away like some book character. All of it kind of compiled on me and well, uh, I kind of had this... little nervous breakdown. I spent a few days in the hospital and after that, she sent me away. I had an uncle on her side that lives in Texas and I did my last year of high school there, working on his cattle farm and in his church. He was… he was hard on me." I pressed my lips together briefly. "But he certainly kept me away from making friends with anyone else. The town hated him, so. My mom thought it was a perfect fit."
Jackson was silent for a long moment as he stared back at me across the table and processed everything that I was saying. He didn't respond verbally, reaching forward and taking one of the strawberries out of the box, taking a large bite out of it before placing the leaf down on a napkin. He then took a long sip of his beer. His gaze wasn't on me but I could see his eyes, the perfect mix of blue and green, forlorn and more distant than what I expected upon receiving the information.
"Huh," he finally said which caused my brows to draw together. "I mean, that's not what I thought happened. I just… didn't expect you to say that." He admitted. "What about after high school? Why did you never try and get in contact with me again?" He questioned.
"I wanted to," I replied quickly. "I did. I mean, we didn't exactly have cell phones back then, but I really wanted to. I wanted to know where you had decided to go to college and I wanted to tell you what happened and… there was so much that I wanted to tell you, Jackson. Things that I still do want to tell you. But my mom said that your mom didn't want me around, either. That she thought I was some… stupid hillbilly girl who wasn't good enough for her son." I couldn't forget the words that my mom had told me that summer. They still burned, even as just a memory. "And ultimately, I was embarrassed. About the breakdown and the fallout… I left all of it in the past when I left Moline."
"So you stopped trying?" Jackson questioned. My hands tightened around my glass.
"I tried to find you. It wasn't easy, I mean, not like it is today. And then once college started… I was so busy with everything and trying to keep up with the coursework, I just, I didn't have time. Then it started to feel unhealthy to just be obsessed with you in the way that I was." I expressed.
Quiet fell between us for a few moments again and I tried not to interrupt it.
"I was obsessed with you too. For a long time," Jackson confessed as he leaned back in his seat. "I couldn't get over you for years. Then I finally was and… here you are, showing right back up in my life again. You almost look the same now as you did then." There was a fondness in his smile. One that I had seen ten years ago.
"Well…" I started. "I definitely didn't expect to see you here on my first day of work." I reached forward to grab a strawberry and took a bite out of it myself. "But I'm glad that I did, Jackson. I thought that I had lost you forever and here you are."
"How well do you remember that night? The last time that we saw each other before…" He asked, shifting gears slightly.
I took another bite, nodding slightly. "Pretty well." I smiled.
"That night, I went home and I told my mom all about you. I mean, you already knew my mom and she already liked you. She thought that you were a good influence on me, modest and everything, still smart even coming from humble roots. She adored you, April, she always did. And when I told her that I was in love with you? She laughed a little, just because we were young, but she was happy for me. For both of us, really. There was no way that my mom would have told yours something like that. I promise that she liked you. Her mind only changed after I told her that you had disappeared without a word." Jackson explained honestly, letting out everything on his mind before taking another sip from his beer. Now his mom must have hated me.
The words pulled at his heartstrings in a way that I didn't expect them to. It made sense, in hindsight. Looking back always had a way of removing the haze of emotions and teenage angst. But then, I had believed it. I had believed every stupid word of it with tears and without question. It seemed stupid and childish now. I shouldn't have fallen for her tactics.
"I'm sorry that I believed her." I murmured, finishing off the strawberry and setting down the leaf. "I wish I hadn't."
"Me too," he breathed out.
"But I don't want this to be lingering over our heads," I started. "I want to be friends again, Jackson. You were my best friend. There was no one else that I loved or cared for in the way that I did you and I don't know how to be around you without thinking of that. Or without treating you that way. I can't not feel a certain way about you." An empathetic smile filled my lips this time, overcome with the urge to reach across the table and take his hand between both of mine. I might have if there wasn't strawberry juice on my hands.
"I've never felt the same way about someone as I have about you," Jackson admitted. "I uh, I'm seeing someone, actually. Her name is Sydney. She's a fourth-year surgical resident. We live together." Even though I was in a relationship too, I could feel my stomach sink. "It's not that serious." Oh, there was some hope again. "I've never had that serious of a relationship, to be honest. I guess I thought I got over you when I didn't."
I took a deep breath. "It's good that you're in a relationship and living with someone."
"I guess so," he shrugged. "I mean, I couldn't let my life get completely frozen because of you."
"Yeah…" My voice trailed off, glancing down at the table for a moment. I grabbed another strawberry and took a bite out of it to excuse my pause.
"I'm guessing you broke up with Riggs?" Jackson questioned, his brow raising.
"Uh, no," I shook my head. "No, I didn't. He apologized and said that it was a one-time thing. I want to believe him. But apparently, he has a history of doing this kind of thing." I wanted to have that kind of faith in people and the world, even if it was naive of me. "We are, however, taking just a little bit of a break so that I can clear my head about it. I need a little bit of time to forgive him. It's… disrespectful, what he did. All because of my beliefs." A frown tugged at the corners of my mouth.
"What?" Jackson questioned, a flash of anger appearing in his otherwise light eyes. "He cheated on you, April. With Yang. Why the hell would you stay with a guy like that after he did that? You deserve better than that."
I sighed. "He's… I don't know. He's always been really good to me and really patient with me. Except about… this."
"This?" He stared at me skeptically for a moment and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks, hoping that it wasn't noticeable in the low light of the bar as I dropped my head and let my hair fall in front of my face to try and hide it. He knew what it was – even if it wasn't at the forefront of his mind. It had been a belief that I'd held since I was a child and that he knew about it. We had talked about it, actually. He'd lost his virginity at junior prom and I had been a mess about it. He hadn't been my date, it wasn't like it had been something like that. I had just always been uptight about the virgin thing. He had offered his perspective, but I hadn't changed my mind. Neither had he.
"The virgin thing." I chewed at the inside of my cheek. "I'm still one and I still want to wait until I'm married. He's, you know, obviously not one. I guess he was just pent up about me not putting out so that's why he slept with Yang. I guess that's my fault." He had certainly made it seem that way.
"No, no, it's not your fault. That's entirely on him. He doesn't respect or cherish you enough to wait for you and you shouldn't be sticking around with him, either." Jackson insisted emphatically. "You deserve better than that. You should know that."
Picking up my beer, I take a long drink from it, trying to focus on his words and yet… not, at the same time. There's an emotional toll there that I could feel sinking into my chest. He wanted better for me and I should have wanted better, too. All these years and the pain that had been caused between us, and he was still looking out for me, after all this time. Maybe there was hope that things between the two of us could go back to the way they were before. Maybe he wanted it to happen just as much as I needed it to.
"Maybe I should break up with him." I murmured, setting the beer down.
"You should." He responded without hesitation.
There was a question on my tongue that I wanted to ask him but I knew that it wasn't fair to either of us. This was a shock for both of us – even though we had been working at the same hospital together for a week now, it was the first time that he had heard the truth. It seemed like Jackson was still processing it too from the way that he had diverted. But what I wanted to ask… I couldn't. I was with Riggs and he was with Sydney. I took a deep breath as I buried it away.
"I'll figure it out." I stared down at my nails and grabbed another strawberry to try and balance out the beer that I had drank just a little too fast. The last thing that I wanted to do was upset my stomach when I finally had a chance to really talk with him.
"Thank you for telling me the truth," Jackson commented, reaching out and catching my hand. I looked back up at him. "I'm sorry about your mom and I'm sorry that you had a nervous breakdown. I wish I would have known and… just, be able to change it or stop it from happening. If I had known, that's all that I would have wanted to do."
"I know." And I did. He was good like that and he always been. "Thank you for listening."
Yet I felt guilty at the same time. I could have done more but when I had been forced out of Moline, I really had run from it in every way that I could. I had wanted to leave behind who I was and leave behind all of the pain that came with ruminating about it. It was hard not to break my heart at that age. I had been so in love with him and all of that had been ripped away from me. I took a deep breath as I looked back up at him. The past was in the past, but we still had a future somewhere. We would spend the rest of our residency together. That was two whole years.
"I know that neither one of us can change everything that happened, but…" I took a deep breath in the pause. "Maybe we can make things a little better for the future. I want to be friends again, Jackson. I really, really do. Do you think we can do that?"
Jackson smiled. "Yeah, I think we can."