JACKSON
Like most things in life, there were some things I got and some things I didn't.
Racism was hard to determine for where it fell on the spectrum. I didn't personally understand where the hatred came from, but I knew that it was a part of my life no matter what I did to fight back against it and I had learned sometimes that staying silent was the best option to avoid getting cast as the angry black guy. Once that happened, no one took you seriously. My mom had made sure that was something I had known young so that I could try and avoid the problems that would inevitably come with it if I got tagged with that reputation. Even though it had been a small town and April probably hadn't been the most educated person about it back when we were kids, I'd never experienced it from her. We didn't spend a ton of time around her parents or my mom, for that matter, but something about learning that they had been closet racists the entire time didn't really surprise me. They certainly weren't the only people where we had grown up.
That's why what she told me made sense even if it didn't erase the fact that I had seen the last ten years of my life trying to scrub away the stain that she had left on me, and move on with the rest of my life. It just meant that it wasn't her fault and I had to shift the blame somewhere else, somewhere that I couldn't confront and realistically wouldn't have to. I couldn't have stayed angry with her if I tried, not as long as she was around. There was still too much buried love and affection beneath the surface. I had buried it down pretty deep but I had never entirely gotten rid of it. Now, well, that was probably a good thing for both of us given that we would be working together and finishing our residencies in the same hospital. It makes it impossible for me to fall asleep thinking about anything other than her red hair and soft freckles after an evening at the bar together.
One thing that I didn't get was the fact that she was still with Riggs. Even before knowing that he had slept with Yang, I would have said that she deserved someone better than him. He was pretty average all around even if he was the head of cardio. April deserved better than that. Anyone should have known that.
Now that I knew the truth though, and she did too from the abrupt way that I had dropped it on her, I didn't understand why she wouldn't just break up with him on the spot. I wasn't sure what exactly a break meant to her – they weren't living together and even if it seemed like they had been together for a decent amount of time, it wasn't as definite as I would have hoped. I could only hope that the breakup for her would come sooner rather than later. I didn't want to see her hurt by him any more than she already had been.
Unfortunately, she wasn't the only person I was worried about being hurt by men today. Even if I wasn't in love with Sydney and never had been, and I was mostly sure that it was mutual, she'd still been pretty good to me. She deserved nice things, too.
But I know what has to be done. Lingering around wouldn't be fair to either of us and I didn't want to be that type of guy. Not to her or anyone else. I figured it was just one of those things about having decent morals. Something that I was pretty sure that Riggs didn't have. Comparisons weren't going to get me anywhere, though, not right now.
"Hey, Syd, you got a minute?" She was working during the day and the third-year residents had the night shift. It meant that I was supposed to spend today sleeping, but I wanted to catch her before she left.
"Yeah, sure." Her voice was chirpy for six in the morning. "What's up?"
"I, uh, I'm not entirely sure how to say this to you so I'm just going to be direct. I think that we should break up." Having April around only meant what I felt for her was even more nonexistent than what it had been before. Sticking around wasn't fair to either one of us.
"Oh," Sydney blinked in surprise. "Did I do something?"
"No, no, nothing like that." I shook my head quickly. "Do you remember the girl that I told you about? The one that I loved and grew up with?" Probably the easiest way to simplify it.
She nodded her head.
"She's back," I breathed out. "April Kepner. She came over with the merger. We talked and, uh, I guess I thought that I had gotten over it but being around her again just reminded me of everything that we had together." I wet my lips. "I don't want to be unfair to you. And I think that continuing anything that we have here would be doing exactly that." Hopefully, this was an explanation that would make sense to her.
"Oh, okay," she nodded again. "Yeah, that's fine." Some of the tension in my shoulders disappeared immediately upon her words. "Uh, what about living together?" She asked.
"I can move out," I offered.
"Alright," Sydney agreed. "Thank you for being upfront with me. I heard about her – she's dating Riggs, right? And he cheated on her with Cristina Yang?" I nodded my head. "Well, thank you for not putting me through something like that. I can't imagine what that must be like."
"It's a pretty ugly situation," I sighed. "Guess it's a good thing that they aren't living together."
"Yeah," she chuckled. "Anyway, I've got to get to work. I'll see you around, Jackson." She smiled.
It was a relief to have that much off my shoulders even if it meant I was going to have to deal with finding a new place to live. Money wasn't much of a big deal for me so it shouldn't have been a problem to find something new, it would just be the hassle of actually doing the physical move itself.
Collapsing back into bed, I checked the time on my phone. Still way too early. I'd stayed up late after meeting with April to try and compensate for the fact that I was supposed to sleep through most of the day in order to be able to work al night. Somehow, that was a hell of a lot easier said than done. Staring at my phone screen for a moment and the neutral background of the Seattle skyline, I sighed to myself before unlocking it and opening up my messages to send a quick text.
[Sent: April] Let me know when you're up.
I hadn't asked when she would be sleeping to deal with the long night that we had ahead of us. She was good a preparing in a way that I wasn't, she always had been. It wouldn't have surprised me if she had ended up staying up all night in order to sleep through the day.
Drifting off comes naturally at this point in the morning even if it's only temporary. Shutting my eyes to wait for her to reply turns into a lull of dreamless sleep. I don't realize that it had happened in the first place until I heard the sound of my phone hitting the floor and I jolt awake in surprise, blinking a couple of times. I reached down to pick it up. The screen was fine. It was nine in the morning now, and a text from April an hour ago was waiting for me.
[Received] Hey. I should be asleep but I fell asleep when I got home last night.
I couldn't help but smile, letting out a soft chuckle. Even if she was good at being prepared she'd always had a pretty consistent sleep schedule. I'd never understood how she managed it.
[Sent] I broke up with Sydney. Amicably. Need to find a new place to live.
Without hesitating, I hit send. Normally Karev would have been the first person that I told something like that. He was the only other guy in my group and it was just kind of a natural thing that occurred between the two of us given that we were otherwise surrounded by women.
[Received] Oh, I'm sorry.
[Received] Do you want to move in with me?
Huh.
I hadn't thought much about it when it came to telling her before anyone else and maybe if I had, I would have seen the offer coming from her.
[Sent] Are you sure that you want to offer that?
[Received] Of course!
Her reply was much faster than I expected it to be. April was a good person all around. This was the kind of offer that she would have made to anyone and I knew that I could tell myself that all day long, but it didn't change the fact that my heart skipped a beat in my chest.
[Received] I have an extra bedroom. Reed lived with me at first but she moved out.
The followup made sense and I found myself nodding to myself, thumbing along the edge of my phone case as I debated how to reply. There was going to be a lot of proximity between the two of us regardless of working together given the long hours and being in the same field, even if neither one of us was specialized yet. We had agreed to be friends again. This was something that friends did for one another.
[Sent] If you're sure.
[Sent] Thank you.
April reacted to the first message and I couldn't help but smile. No one else I knew actually did the reaction options on iMessage but something about her doing it just fit.
[Received] There's not much in the room beside the bed and mattress. It's ready when you are.
Huh.
Sitting up in bed properly, I looked around my room. Given how much time that I spent in the hospital, other than the fact that the bed was chronically unmade and there was usually some kind of dirty clothes somewhere, my room didn't look particularly lived in. It wasn't really decorated. Clothes were the main thing that I would actually have to pack.
[Sent] Can I come over around dinner?
That would give me some time to get in more of the sleep that I should have gotten in the first place, pack up at least some of the everyday things that I used, and get to her place to eat a meal before heading into work.
[Received] Of course! Whenever you want.
The message made me smile.
It also made me fall asleep thinking about her again, even if the rest of the world was waking up and getting ready for work. This time, it wasn't so much about her hair and freckles, but instead, that signature smile that had the power to light up an entire room.
Dreams come this time without any control over it, most of them a hazy blur but I know they're about her. A younger version of her, though, the one that I had known for years and centered most of my childhood and teen years around. I'd always wondered why life would have been like if she hadn't disappeared from mine, what college and med school would have been like… my brain was happy to fill in the gaps. Late nights in the library, studying and kissing, group projects and proofreading each other's paper, getting to see each other at graduation. So many opportunities that had been missed. Senior year of high school had been the worst when it came to lingering on that type of thing, given that everyone had noticed her absence instead of just me. Everyone had asked me what had happened and I hadn't known what to say. I hadn't known the truth, but even my version of it had been painful to open up about.
But just because there was a lot between us that had been missed didn't mean there had to be more going forward. Not only working with her but now apparently moving in with her, gave me some hope for that. Even if those things would have been nice memories to be able to hold onto, a lot of it was trivial and minor stuff. That was something to remind me about.
This time when I wake up again, it's past two in the afternoon.
Getting out of bed again, I head to the kitchen to grab a banana and make myself a smoothie with some of the other fresh fruit in the fridge. Sydney had been pretty good about always keeping the fridge stalked and I'd have to thank her for that. I'd make sure to give her a check for another month of my share of the rent so she didn't have to stress about dealing with it without a roommate.
While the blender was churning loudly in the kitchen, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to send out another two texts, this time not to April but to share a little news.
[Sent: Alex] Hey, I broke up with Sydney. Moving out. No more weird comments.
Weird translating to inappropriate, of course.
[Sent: Izzie] Hey, do you think you can help me welcome April into the group a little more? She offered to let me move in with her – broke up with Sydney. She could use another friend or two.
I can't decide if I should feel guilty about sending the text or not. April was more than capable of making her own friends but I knew the majority of our group wasn't going to be super open to her in the first place. Izzie was usually the exception to that but I knew that she also tended to get caught up in the pressure that Meredith and Cristina both put on her, even if she was considerably nicer than the two of them. Either way, the question was only asked with her interest in mind.
[Received: Izzie] Of course!
A simple answer and yet I'm still relieved to hear it. I don't reply to avoid forcing the conversation any further. She was the type of person that I could depend on keeping her word. I was sure that she would get along with April much better than Meredith, Alex, or Cristina would.
Downing my makeshift lunch, I resisted the urge to send another text message to April. She was probably getting some sleep in and I didn't want to wake her. She would need rest even if she said that she had gotten a full night of sleep already. If she was awake, she was probably cleaning even though I doubted she needed to. One of the similarities between her and Sydney was that she had always liked somewhere clean to live, it didn't matter if some company was coming over or not. She always maintained her space well.
[Received: Alex] Yeah whatever.
The short reply made me snort and I tucked my phone back into my pocket, heading back to my room.
My laundry basket was half-full and could be tossed in the back seat of my car without much of a problem. Packing up the bathroom wouldn't take long either given that it was just toiletries and a couple of admittedly old medications that probably hadn't been touched besides in the first week they were bought – a nasal spray, Neosporin, some Pepto Bismol. Nothing major.
On the other hand, the closet was much fuller even though most of the clothes hadn't been worn too recently given the proclivity for scrubs in my life. The hospital took care of washing and sterilizing them. That definitely cut down on the bulk of laundry that I had to do beyond underwear and jeans. Given all of the time that working in my residency took, it was no surprise that most of it didn't get worn because there was rarely time or reason to go out. A bit of time spent across the street after hours was just about the extent of my social life outside of work now. Emptying out the dresser drawers into an athletic bag doesn't take long. A garment bag was thrown over some of my clothes hanging up. This could be an easy move.
It doesn't take a ton of time to get my car loaded up with the necessary items. Electronics, toiletries, clothing, and my Keurig. A lot of the other kitchen stuff had been Sydney's but I'd insisted on getting one of those for the kitchen. I was almost positive April wouldn't have one.
[Sent: April] What's your address?
It feels ridiculous even asking that, but she replied quickly with all the details.
Though my car was loaded up, her place wasn't the first location that I went to. Instead, I go to the Whole Foods closest to her place. Admittedly it wasn't that near, in a bit of a nicer part of the city, whereas her apartment was… well, probably not my first pick of the lot. There was nothing wrong with the area by itself, of course, it was safe and fine. It just wasn't as nice as what I was used to living in.
Heading inside of the store, it was as crowded as I expected it to be in the early evening. They always had good food options for grabbing something to go with the different options but I knew what I wanted, and it was nothing directly by the salad bar. Instead, I go straight for the rest sushi options, filling a basket with a plethora of different rolls – California, spicy tuna, shrimp tempura, Philadelphia, dragon… just about everything I thought she might like, including one package of tuna nigiri and some edamame to go along with it. I grabbed low sodium soy sauce and some glass bottles of coke. One thing that was just like old times.
Once everything was purchased and placed in the passenger seat of my car given that the trunk was filled up with my personal items, I finally punched her address into the maps on my phone and made my way there. It wasn't a long drive, I was familiar enough with the area. It just took a brief moment to point out which unit was specifically hers.
Grabbing a duffel bag and tossing it over my shoulder, then using my hands to carry in the Whole Foods bags, I walk up to the apartment door and give it a sound knock. It's still light outside even if it was just about dinner time. Hopefully, she was already expecting me.
Fortunately, the door opened after only a brief moment of waiting. "Hey!"
"Hey," I smiled down at her. "I brought some dinner." I lifted up the bag. "And my stuff is mostly in my car, but I'm not in that much of a hurry to get it all out," I informed her.
"Oh, what did you bring?" April's eyes lit up with curiosity.
"Sushi," I answered. "There's some edamame in there too, that needs to be cooked. It shouldn't take very long."
"Let me see." She requested.
Giving a glance around the apartment, it fit her perfectly. It was feminine with a bit of a modern farmhouse look. It did look a bit like the house that she had grown up with the color scheme. It just fit her, pale pink and browns mostly, light hardwood floors, white cabinets in the kitchen. I set down the bag of food on the white countertops and began to unpack it. It was nicer on the inside than what I would have guessed from the outside. Most apartment complexes in this price range were generally the opposite, so I was impressed with her pick.
Spreading out the different picks of sushi on the counter and the bottles of coke, I handed the small bag of edamame over to her and peeled the plastic wrap off of the bottle of soy sauce. It was all ready to go pretty much beyond the edamame itself, it just needed to be opened up.
"I'm going to go grab a few things out of my car, I'll be right back," I informed her.
"Okay," she responded.
Leaving the door unlocked behind me, I headed back down two flights off stairs and to my car. I grabbed the Keurig out of it and my electronics, given that they are the valuables and not something I wanted to have to worry about getting stolen – not necessarily from her but from the hospital parking lot, as well. Making my way back upstairs, I entered the apartment again and shut the door behind me. I joined her in the kitchen again, setting down the coffee machine on some empty space.
"Where's the second bedroom?" I asked.
"Down the hallway, first door on the right. It's just across the hall from mine." April answered.
Following her instructions, I opened up the door to the bedroom and set my stuff down on the bed. I'd have to get the actual sheets and whatnot from the car, but I could bring that up either later tonight or in the morning when we got done with our shift at the hospital and I'd actually get a chance to sleep in the room. It was clear, just a mattress and nightstand. There wasn't a speck of dust or anything else to indicate it had been unoccupied recently.
Not bothering to unpack much of it, I pulled out only my laptop and its charger, plugging it into the wall so that it could charge. Other than that, I left things be as they were and went to join her back in the kitchen area again.
"The edamame should be done in just a minute, I went ahead and popped it in the microwave." She said.
"Good," I nodded, beginning to open up the containers of sushi.
"I can't believe that you got glass bottles of Coke," she said with a smile pulling across the corners of her lips as she looked up at me. "I swear, I never see these things anymore. But I guess it makes sense that if any place was going to have it, it would be Whole Foods. It's just like old times again. Let me get the bottle opener…"
As April brushed past me to reach to a drawer, I caught her wrist. Her chest was nearly pressed against mine.
"They twist offs, actually," I told her.
She paused in her place for a moment and the close proximity between the two of us wasn't lost on me. I could feel her pulse thrumming beneath my fingertips from the particular grip on her wrist and see just a bit of heat in her cheeks. Had her pupils been that dark and wide a moment ago? I wet my lips subconsciously as I stared down at her for a long moment, breath caught in my chest. When was the last time she had been this close to me? It had certainly been those ten years ago when I had held her and kissed her on the front porch as if nothing else in the world mattered. I caught my gaze on her lips as I reflected back to it, unable to help myself.
The microwave suddenly went off as it finished with the edamame in the bag and I released her wrist quickly, clearing my throat and very obviously averting my gaze as I looked up at the ceiling of the kitchen. Standing around and thinking about kissing her in the kitchen wasn't going to go very far.
"I've got it," she murmured with flushed cheeks as she turned away from me and walked over to the microwave.
"Make sure that you get a second bowl for the empty pods," I reminded her.
"Got it." April chimed.
I moved all of the trays of sushi over to the table and grabbed two small bowls to pour the soy sauce in, placing the bottle on the center of the table between us. I twisted off the caps of the Coke bottles with my bare hand and set down two on the table as well. I thought that it had been clever, making that particular pick when it came to getting things for dinner tonight. But now it was only another reminder of just how good kissing her had been.
Both of us sat down at the table for a moment and I paused, staring at her again. This time, though, it was different than the last time When we were teenagers, she had always prayed before every meal and I had always paused to let her, even if I didn't join in. This was just another one of those moments.
"What?" She questioned s she looked at me with a smile cracking across her features.
"I'm waiting for you to pray," I answered simply.
"Oh," she huffed out. "Thank you."
Both her hands folded together in front of her with her elbows resting on the table and her head dipped forward so that her hair brushed past to the front side of her shoulders and hid parts of her face. I couldn't quite see most of her face but I could see the small movements of her lips. She'd always murmured to herself when she prayed like this. I was glad to see that hadn't changed. I kept my hands folded on my lap but I didn't bother to hide the fact that I was staring at her again. At least this time, she wasn't looking right back at me with those big eyes and soft lips just inches from mine, there was an entire table between us. A good thing.
Damn, maybe I was the one who needed to be praying for a little bit of forgiveness.
Thankfully, she wasn't a mind reader.
"I'm done now," she murmured as she raised her head up, shaking her hair back out of the way and picking up her chopsticks. "Thank you."
"Of course," I nodded my head as I picked up my own pair of chopsticks and reached for a piece of the nigiri. "You know that I don't mind." Shoulders shrugged as I dipped it into the soy sauce and tossed it into my mouth.
"I don't know how you can eat those things, they're gross." Noted. I chuckled as I chewed and swallowed, watching as she went for a more traditional California roll.
"They're healthy, low-calorie and lots of omega-3s," I told her.
"I know that." She nodded. "But they're still kind of gross." She reached for a piece of edamame, popping the soybeans into her mouth and tossing the empty pod into the bowl next to it. "I love the spicy ones. Or those crunchy rolls – I can't remember what they're actually called, but with all of the little things sprinkled on top." Her hand motioned as she spoke and I had to hold back a laugh, unable to help my smile.
Next time, I would get some of those.
"All of it is good stuff," I replied passively. "You just have to get accustomed to it."
"Sure," she smiled but I could tell there was a hint of ass there. "So, why did you break up with Sydney?"
I should have seen that question coming, definitely. She had always been a little bit on the nosy side of things and if we were back to being friends, then that was definitely coming my way. I couldn't tell her the truth – not the full truth, at least. I didn't want to put her in any kind of uncomfortable situation with living together and I didn't want to force her hand into breaking up with Riggs, either. I wanted her to realize on her own accord that he wasn't good enough for her and she deserved to be with someone a lot better than him.
"It just didn't feel right to be with her anymore," I answered a little more vague than what she probably wanted to hear. "I mean, I like her, don't get me wrong. And she's a good person. I think that you would like her too if you two got to know each other. But I knew the relationship between us wasn't something permanent and I think that she did, too. It was an easy breakup." Probably the easiest one that I had ever had.
"I guess that makes sense," April commented thoughtfully, pausing as she ate another piece of sushi. "I mean, it's good that you guys broke up so amicably. Especially since you work together."
"Yeah," I agreed with a quick nod. "What about you and Riggs?" I shifted the topic.
"What about us?" She asked, playing innocently.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "I mean, you said that guys were taking a break. He chased on you and, trust me, Cristina… she's good as a surgeon, but she's nothing like you." That was putting it diplomatically. "What's going on in your head with that?"
"I don't know," April sighed, shaking her head. "I feel so stupid. I know that it's not my fault and that what he did is his decision, and you know what? It's not even Cristina's fault. She was in a relationship. It just… hurts that he would do that to me. I don't think that I deserved that. He said that he loves me but I feel like you just don't do that to the people that you love."
"Of course you don't." That much was obvious. "He probably just realizes how lucky he is that you put up with him in the first place and is trying to save his own ass." So much for staying in my own place.
"Maybe you're right.." April fell quiet for a moment and I took another piece of sushi.
It was quiet for a few seconds between the two of us and I let her consider my words without trying to push it any further. I wanted her to see the truth for what it was. April deserved someone who loved her, someone who would have never done that to her. Someone who would put her first, respect her beliefs for what they were, and never take advantage of some slimy opportunity just because it happened to present itself. She deserved the best that a man had to offer. I wanted to make sure that she got that, one way or another.
"I mean, you have time to make your decision about it if you guys are on a break." I couldn't help but wonder what his definition of a break was – if he'd find his way back to Cristina or someone else. It seemed way too likely. I didn't want her to have to hurt because of something like that, even if I knew that it happening again would only make it even more clear what she really needed to do. It was a selfish thought.
"Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I don't want to think about it." She waved it off as she ate.
I let the conversation go, despite the temptation to ask more.
Finishing up our meal, once everything had been consumed and the trash and dishes had been taken care of, there was still a little time before work. April helped me with getting some of the things unpacked. We'd have to share a bathroom, but that was fine – she didn't have her crap strewn across the counter like I would have expected with most girls. She was tidy and organized as always. She helped me make my bed with the sheets and hang up some of the clothes that I had brought over, practically refusing to leave my side even though we both had the opportunity to get a little more rest before work. Being around her so much made my cheeks nearly ache with a smile.