Mothers Chapter 16
Things That Are Kept Pent Up
Buffy's POV
Nothing... I've got nothing. I've patrolled for almost three days now and I haven't run across a single vampire.
I turn left at one of the headstones and take the long way out of the graveyard just in case.
God, can't I do anything right? I can't even do my job properly. I'm supposed to help people. I'm supposed to save people from the bad things that are out there. But I can't save anyone. I can't protect the world if I can't save the people I care about. I couldn't save Riley. I couldn't save Dawn, and now I can't save my own mother. What the hell kinda slayer am I? Protector of the innocent, what a joke. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, someone always seems to die because I wasn't able to save them. And now SHE'S here. She won't leave me alone.
I walk around one of the bigger crypts in the graveyard.
She just keeps showing up. No matter how many times I tell her to go away, she keeps coming back. I yell and scream and beg and plead for her to leave and never come back but she keeps popping up. I wish I could just wrap my hands around her neck and make her disappear. But I can't. I can't because I'm not like her. I'm not a murderer. I would never take another person's life, whatever the reason is. I...
I stop as I get a tingly feeling, like someone's watching me. I look around to see if anyone's nearby.
I don't see anyone. They must be getting ready to attack or something.
My hand slowly drifts to the stake in my belt, concealed by the jacket I'm wearing.
Where are they? There aren't that many places a vamp or demon could hide in this cemetery. There aren't any big shrubs or trees around that they can use for cover.
I look behind me at the crypt I just passed a few feet away.
Unless...
I look up to the top of the crypt and...
"Faith..."
"Hey B..."
I'm gonna kick her ass.
She gets up from her perch on top of the crypt and jumps down.
"You really should pay more attention. If I had been a vamp or a demon or something, I could've attacked you and caught you off guard. You might've gotten hurt or killed."
I glare at her as she makes her way closer to me. Once she's within arms length I swipe at her with all the force I can muster in that second. She dodges it easily and takes a few steps back.
"Whoa, B, I'm not actually a demon you know?"
God damn it...
"You of all people should know that it doesn't take a vamp or a demon to murder someone Faith."
There's a moment of silence.
"I was just trying to look out for you. Is that any reason to try and take my head off?"
I cross my arms over my chest, glaring at her.
"I need a new reason? I think the one I've got is more than enough."
Another moment of silence passes.
"Look, I was trying to watch out for you B. It took you a while to realize I was there. You're not at your best."
Has she been stalking me?
"How long were you watching me?"
She glances up and points to the roof of the crypt.
"From there? About five minutes..."
Five minutes? I should've noticed her the second she was there. She must've done something.
"Get lost Faith, I don't need you watching out for me. I can do things myself."
I turn and walk away from her.
"I'm trying to help you."
Help me?
I spin back around on my heels.
"I do NOT need your HELP Faith! Now GO AWAY!"
I start leaving again and she follows.
"Not a chance B. If whoever attacked Anya really is connected to Omega, then there's no way I'm leaving you to fight them alone."
My fist clenches as she continues to follow me.
"I can handle this on my own."
She grabs my shoulder and forces me to stop.
"Like hell you can. Do I have to remind you that the last time we went up against Omega, you died?"
No, she doesn't.
"I remember all too well Faith. You don't have to worry though. I won't make the same mistake twice."
The sudden shock on her face tells me I hit a nerve. I turn to leave but she stops me.
"Mistake? Whoa, wait a second... mistake?"
Didn't she hear me?
"Yes, mistake..."
"So, you think the fact that you gave your life for mine... was a mistake?"
I stare her straight in her eyes.
"Yes..."
I shove her away from me to continue leaving this graveyard, and her.
"So all that stuff about being in love until the day you die and beyond. That you'd die a thousand times as long as I was safe. Was that all crap?"
I stop and face her.
"No... not at the time."
"So things have changed then?"
I can't look at her. I keep leaving but again I'm stopped by Faith.
"Yes, they have."
I shrug her off and try to get away.
"Then I guess you never really meant any of it in the first place."
She starts following me again.
"I guess not."
She gets out in front of me and keeps me from going.
"Do you regret what happened? Do you regret... us?"
I stare her right in the eyes and I don't know if I want to knock her flat on her ass or just leave her with what's already been said.
"Because I don't... there are things about how things happened between us that I wish were different. Things I wish I could change, even though I know I never can. But I don't regret falling for you for a second. That's something that I would never change no matter what. Whatever else I might change, THAT, could never be different. Would you?"
"Yes... now..."
There are a few moments of silence as our eyes stay locked to each other's.
"Now? What changed?"
She's not serious.
"You know EXACTLY what's changed Faith."
I feel my fist clench and unclench.
"Dawn..."
With that I let loose and slug her in the face, knocking her down.
"DO NOT say her name. You don't get to say her name."
She grabs her chin and starts to get up again.
"Why not?"
"You don't deserve to say her name, not after what you did."
I go to leave, heading back into the cemetery to avoid her.
"She was my daughter too Buffy."
I stop and face her as she closes the space I tried to put between us.
"No, she's NOT your daughter Faith, not anymore. You gave up the right to call her that when you pushed her off that tower."
"That's a load of crap and you know it B. I loved Dawn. I loved her as much as you did. Whether or not you think I deserve to call Dawn my daughter can never change the fact that she was just as much my daughter as she was yours. The monk said that Dawn was created from a piece of both of us. So no matter how much you may want it to be otherwise, Dawn is, was and always will be OUR daughter. I will always be Dawn's mother... just like you. We will always be connected, through her. WE will always be her parents."
God, why doesn't she ever shut up and leave me alone?
"Well you're the absolute worst mother in the world then. No self-respecting mother would ever do what you did. They'd give their lives before letting anything happen to their child."
"I don't know any other mothers with children whose blood can destroy the world B. No one else has ever had to make the kind of decision that I made that night, the only person who has ever had to make a choice like that other than me... is you. After you killed Angel and sent him to hell to save the world. You remember you told me about that?"
"That was different."
She slowly gets in my face again.
"Why?"
"Because he didn't have a soul when he did what he did. It wasn't until just before I closed the portal that he got it back. You had a soul when you pushed Dawn off the tower."
"And you had a soul when you put that sword through his stomach B, and so did he. We both had to make a choice. Dawn's blood was going to destroy the world, and so was Angel's. You had to choose between the man you love and the world, and I had to choose between my family and the world."
No... it's just not that simple. It's never that simple.
I glare at her hard before speaking.
"And you chose the world."
Our eyes stay locked for a few moments and it's like a sudden realization comes over Faith.
"Is that what this is about? You're mad at me because I would rather save the world then let it die and save my daughter?"
"No... the reason I hate you is because of how you went about it."
"Because I killed Dawn, I know. I wish there could've been a way that I could've saved Dawn and the world, but there wasn't. Her blood was pouring into the sky before I got there. There wasn't any other way for me to stop the world from ending B. And no matter what I may have done to her, I still loved Dawn."
She really does think it was that simple.
"There WAS a way. A better way and you didn't take it."
"Enlighten me."
We stare each other down.
"You should've gone off the tower yourself."
"Kill myself... how, by taking a swan dive?"
"Yes..."
"Why? Because it's what you would've done?"
"In a heartbeat..."
"So because it's what you would've done it would've worked and it automatically becomes my responsibility to be you and do what YOU think is right, even though it never would've worked?"
I take a swing at her but she blocks it by catching my fist and letting it go.
"It would've worked! We were Dawn's parents, our blood ran through Dawn's veins, and Dawn's blood opened the portal. One of us could've closed the portal with ours."
"B, in everything that Giles could find the opening and closing of the portal was specific to The Key. Dawn was the only one of us that was The Key."
I don't care.
"It would've worked, and if you ever really loved either of us, you would have jumped off that tower and saved your daughter. But you didn't, and I will hate you for the rest of both our lives for that."
I'm done talking about this.
I turn to leave and she grabs my arm, forcing me to face her again.
"God, you really do have some sick martyr complex don't you?"
What the hell is she talking about?
"I DO NOT!"
"Yes, you do, and what's worse you've convinced yourself that only someone who is just as martyr happy as you are could ever really love you. I loved you, some part of me always will, but the kind of love you want... that's not what real love is B."
This time it's Faith who goes to leave.
"And you're such an expert on love are you? This coming from the woman who told me she'd never loved anyone before me."
She stops.
"After everything we've been through together, I could write a book."
"You think so do you?"
She takes a deep breath before turning around.
"Do you know why they call them tragic love stories B?"
"No, why?"
"Because a fucking tragedy happens, something horrible tears them apart forever. Yeah, it's wild and passionate and it feels incredible, but it never lasts. That's not what real love is B, that's not the kind of love I had for you, it's not the kind of love I had for Dawn, and if I had taken a dive off that tower, that's the kind of love we would've had and I want no part of that... not anymore. I've learned that lesson the hard way. What I did to Dawn had nothing to do with whether I loved you, or her. It had everything to do with saving the world at any cost."
She never really loved me at all.
"I did it for you. I gave my life for yours and the world."
"Yeah, and you know what it did to me."
"I saved your life."
"You also ripped my heart out of my chest and forced it down my own throat. What you did killed me on the inside. It would've been so much better if you had been too late, that way neither of us would've been a martyr. After you died and Omega was gone, I could barely breath it was so hard. I may have loved you for saving my life and being the hero that you are. But I also hated you like you wouldn't believe. It was worse than when we were fighting against each other over the mayor. I would never wish what I went through on anyone, least of all you or Dawn. I love you both way too much to do that to you. If you wanna go on being a martyr, you go ahead. But I want no part of it, and if you expect me to be like you and do something like that, then you can go straight to hell."
"How can you say you love us and tell me to go to hell at the same time?"
"Because it's the way I feel B. If you can't understand that, then maybe what we had was doomed to begin with."
I have no clue what to say to that.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?"
She stares at me and I stare right back. After a few seconds, Faith gets this weird look on her face.
"What?"
Wait, I know that look.
Faith lunges at me, knocking me off my feet and tackles me to the ground as a dagger flies through the air, nearly hitting me. We're both stunned for a minute as Faith lands half on top of me when we hit the dirt. She looks down at me and then I see a vamp behind her. I shove her off me and away from me so I can kick my legs up and hit the vamp square in the stomach, forcing him back long enough for me to get to my feet and into a fighting stance.
I scan the cemetery quickly as Faith copies my actions a split second later. And I notice there are at least 6 vampires surrounding us.
I really don't need this right now.
"In the name of our fallen lord Omega, you shall die."
Omega?
I glance over to Faith who is looking back. Faith adds her two cents.
"You do know what happened to him by going against us right?"
With that, the vamps attack us. The first one comes at me, and I side step him, taking him off his feet with a weak left. It's deflected easily and I'm nicked in the chin as I avoid his follow up punch. I turn on my heel into a spinning back kick. He ducks it by a mile and comes back with one of his own, hitting me square in the face.
Ow!
My head snaps back and forth at the hit and it throws me off balance. He follows up with a right and a left that I just barely block. I hear one vamp burst into dust as a third vamp joins the fight and the first one starts to get up. Each of the two vamps in front of me takes a swing of their fist and I back up to avoid them. I hit the vamp on my left in the face and when I go for the right vamp he deflects it and fires back. I step back, just barely missing his knuckles. The vamps spread out, trying to come at me from two sides.
They both rush me as I hear another vamp bites the dust and at the last second I duck, letting their fists collide with their faces.
Stupid vamps...
I pull a stake out of my belt, staking them both in a split second. Then turn to the first vamp that's coming at me, thrusting the sharp wood into his heart, dusting him. I turn as I hear a final dusting. Faith is standing in the graveyard a few feet away from me. She looks over at me.
"Are you all right B?"
I clench my fist at the sound of her voice.
Am I all right?
"Go away Faith..."
She straightens up suddenly and looks around.
"Do you feel that? Someone is watching us B."
I stand still and try to feel whatever Faith is feeling.
"There's nothing there Faith. Now just leave me alone."
"Someone's watching us B."
"No, they aren't. Just leave me alone. Get out of town if you have to. I don't ever wanna see you again. I can handle this on my own."
I start my way out of the cemetery for the 100th time.
"If you really want me to leave then I need to see Joyce first."
I stop for a split second and let out a deep breath, never turning around.
"I'll think about it."
I keep going.
I just really want her to go away.
End of Chapter 16