APRIL

You're my best friend, April. My favorite person.

I love you.

I want you to be mine.

The words looped through my head again and again after they spilled so earnestly from Jackson's mouth, eyes so wide and unblinking that they nearly burn and yet I can't tear myself away from the moment, as if I was hallucinating and it all might disappear right before me if I did. Time seemed to move like molasses, dragging along.

A shaky breath escaped from my lips and no other sound followed it for impossibly long seconds as I stilled. It felt like it had been just yesterday that he had swung a fist at Riggs when I had gone through an ugly break up and even if it technically had been a couple of weeks now, it was hard to forget when we all worked together and people loved to talk about it. Even if most of the talking now had been about the two of us and not Riggs and me. Time with him flew by. It always had. It was stress-free when I was with him, other than what happened at work, flowing along easily. It certainly skewed my perception. But it was in the best of ways. That was something that I had never doubted. I was happy and carefree with him, something that certainly was rare in my life.

Or at least, it had been rare since I had left. My uncle had been… strict. He had never hurt me but he had never shown me any kindness or compassion, either. He made sure I had transportation to school and there was food on the table at night, and of course that I went to church with him bright and early every Sunday, and that was about the extent of it. It had been the longest year of my life, going from the joy I'd had with Jackson to that.

"I…" Desperately, I want to say something, but no sound other than a soft attempt of a syllable managed to come out of my lips.

Jackson was looking at me with those beautiful wide eyes. I'd known him since we were children and I still couldn't decide if they were blue or green with the way that seemed to shift under different lightings or outfits, but right now, they were a clear and brilliant blue. It was like staring into the ocean, mesmerizing. All it would have taken for him to enchant me was one look. Even though I had managed to push him down and to the back of my mind over the years, all of the dust had been blown away, cobwebs dusted off… the hold, the magic, all of it was still right there, just waiting to be rediscovered again. And he had done it. He had found that part of me. The girl who was comfortable, who smiled and laughed loudly, who felt good as she was.

That April, she had been sorely missed. I had forgotten about her until she was brought up again, pulled out by the effect that he had on me. It felt good to be happy and free again, not burdened from stress or the way that others treated, but to find myself again. I liked that I could be that person again.

"Come on, just give it a try!" Jackson encouraged, laugh carrying buoyantly up to me.

Bare feet dug into the dirt beneath them as I shifted my weight back and forth, lips pressed together in a thin line. Butterflies fluttered in the pit of my stomach and nothing seemed willing to shake them. The sun beat down on my skin even with one of his t-shirts covering up a good portion of it over my bathing suit. I took a deep breath, pushing it out through my nose and giving a little shake of my head.

"You're not going to make me get out and throw you in myself, are you?" He suggested.

"No, don't you dare." I shook my head more definitively this time. "I'm fine. I can do it."

"Well, we don't have all day. I told your Mom you'd be home for dinner."

Wrapping my hands around the rope that was attached to the tree branch, I gave it a little tug. If it had carried Jackson who was nearly two times my size, then it should have been fine for my weight. I'd never been to a lake like this before, just the two of us and no one else in sight, and he had already flung himself off the little ledge and done a flip into the water. Taking a few steps back to get some momentum going and tightening my grip, caution was thrown into the wind as I began to run and throw myself off, adrenaline pumping through my veins wildly. I fly through the air for a brief time and curl myself into the wall, cold water a shock to the system when I suddenly break through it.

Water engulfed me briefly and I keep my eyes shut while beneath it, distrustful of how clean it was, limbs stretching out and kicking to push myself up to the surface. It takes a moment before I can break through the surface of the water again, flipping my hair out of my face and sucking in oxygen.

"How was it?" Jackson called out. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands before opening them, blinking a few times.

"I feel like I just had a heart attack but without the painful part." He laughed hysterically at my answer.

"You need to get out more! Live on the edge some."

I rolled my eyes at him even if a smile cracked at my lips. "Well, that's what I have you for, right?"

"I guess so." Jackson smiled. "Come on, I'll race you to the dock. Ready?"

Before he had the chance to countdown or say go, I took off swimming in the direction of the dock. He was substantially more fit than me even if he had a lot more to try and move through the water. I'm a decent swimmer, capable of keeping from drowning but not very well experienced given that the only pool I'd ever been in was the one at his house.

That doesn't stop him from beating me over to the dock, regardless. When I finally meet him there and pull up from the water, one hand on the dock so I don't have to keep myself up, it's hard to ignore the clear definition of his muscles as he shook water off of his face. His legs were a little skinny, something that I had always noticed because it frequently made his pants look too big, but his biceps and triceps were very clearly defined, as were his abdominal and pectoral muscles. It was no wonder that the girls were school were constantly flocked around him. I was lucky that he was still my best friend even now that we were fifteen, not five.

"You just like to race so you can win," I huffed out breathlessly.

"Maybe." He laughed.

"Will you teach me how to do a backflip off of the dash?" I asked, eyebrows raising.

"Sure thing." Jackson pushed himself out of the water and into the dock easily before extending his hand out to me to help pull me out of the water. "It's easy, I promise."

Memories flood through my mind easily staring in those eyes, far too easy to get lost it. Especially when there was such a beautiful hope and openness in there, a vulnerability that I so rarely saw from him. I knew that he'd had issues with being abandoned when he was a child after his father had left. Maybe that was part of the reason that he had clung to me so much, his mom had worked and I had always been there. Being shipped off without the chance to say goodbye had no doubt made it worse for him. But now, he was opening himself up again.

"You really still love me?" I questioned, voice barely above a whisper. "And want to be with me?"

"Of course I do. There's no way that I couldn't." His hand cupped my face gently.

My hand rested on top of his, still smaller as it had always been. His hand was so warm. My fingers filled the spaces between his and I took a deep breath, leaning my head into it slightly. I knew the truth, even if I had kept it buried inside for such a long time that it was almost hard to find. Almost.

"I want to be with you too, Jackson."

It was difficult to say whether or not I was ready for the big L word. There was no doubt that I still loved him, he had always been the best friend that I had ever had in my life, no one had ever come close to the relationship that we had with one another. It had felt so natural and right like we were meant to be with each other on some deeper, spiritual level – as if God had handcrafted him and placed him in my life for a very specific reason. He had. It was impossible to doubt that, He absolutely had done that for me. But in love, that was still a step, a leap. One that I needed a little more security before I was going to be ready to take it.

Leaning toward him, my hand moved from on top of his to mirror him and cup his face as well. Slowly, for the first time in ten years, I pressed my lips into his and kissed him hard.

The kiss is returned from him instantly as he leaned in. It's so much more than it had ever been when we were children – then, it had been nothing short of innocent magic, the kind of kiss that a little girl dreamed about with the man that you loved. But this, this was the adult version of that. This was the kind of kiss that claimed me and had me thinking with my body more than anything else. Heat was brought to my cheek and I was suddenly in tune with everything between us.

His tongue slid past my teeth and meshed with my own. I don't realize that I've let out a soft moan until after he had swallowed it, shifting toward him. His hands gripped onto my hips tightly and he pulled me against him, adjusting my legs so that they could rest on either side of his hips as I settled on top of his lap.

Even hotter than before, his thumbs brushed beneath the fabric of my shirt and touch my bare hips. He's touching one of the little moles that I had on the back of my hip – I'd had it when I was a kid, too, and I wondered if he somehow remembered that was exactly where it was. It felt as if nothing had been forgotten between the two of us. He knows just how to kiss me and now, it had more of an effect than ever, feeling that throb between my legs as he tightened my hips against his. Rolling my hips against him, this time he moans passionately.

Beneath me, I can feel him. I know that he's big. He had walked around enough time in tight boxers and given it away to me, and it just matched the rest of his body – big feet and long fingers. But it was different to feel it beneath me and know that it was hard because of me, to know that it was because he wanted me. Even if he had just said it, there was something a little different to feel that kind of physical evidence of it behind me, to know that this was certainly affecting him just as much as it was me right now, even if he couldn't feel it just like this. For now.

"Jackson…" I moaned out, clutching onto his face.

"Mm…" If he was trying to say something specific, I couldn't tell what it was.

"I'm… I'm still a virgin." I reminded him, finally breaking from the kiss.

"I know." Gentle fingers combed my hair away from my eyes as he spoke. "It's okay. I know you."

His eyes stare at me and it was if they could see the entirety of my soul, stripping me down entirely without having to touch my clothes. He had always been so good at knowing me and this was no different. Yet there's a distinct desire, one that maybe he doesn't know that I'm capable of.

When we were kids, it had been about something else. It had been about waiting for the right guy, when the right guy had been there all along. Now most people just assumed that it was for marriage, and maybe that was an assumption that I had allowed to influence me when I had dated Riggs, but I knew that he wasn't the right guy. A good guy, fine, but not the right one. Now, the right one was right in front of me, offering every piece of himself to me. All of it building up was impossible to ignore.

"Jackson…" I repeated his name, this time falling from my lips in a dreamy sigh and resting my forehead against his.

"Uh-huh?" He questioned.

"Do you know it's not about waiting till marriage with me?" I asked. He pulled back slightly and I watched his brows form a furrow that wrinkled the skin between them. "Because it's not."

His head tilted slightly. "Then what is it?"

"You," I breathed out. "I was always waiting for the right guy. And that was you."

"Yeah?" Jackson smiled. "I'm glad to hear that."

We don't make love that night despite the fact that the temptation was very present between the two of us when we fall into bed together. It's hard not to think about him that way when he falls asleep spooned around me, his bare chest pressed against my back. Both of us fall asleep in my bed, though – citing that it was certainly more comfortable than his and that my sheets were definitely cleaner than his, too.

Sleeping brings back more fond memories that I had kept buried away.

The cafeteria roared with noise as all of the third and fourth graders gathered inside of it for lunch, pushing and rushing through the lunch lines as if it might make the food served up on it more delicious. I had a packed lunch, as always, my favorite ham and cheese sandwich with mayo on it, a plastic box of strawberries and blueberries, and a bag of Cheetos. Jackson was sitting right next to me with own packed lunch inside of a metal box, a BLT sandwich, and potato chips, as well as two chocolate chip cookies. All our food was laid out in front of us to be shared.

"Did you hear? Did you hear?" Rushed whispers came out from Jane, one of our classmates, as she sat down across from us.

"What?" Jackson asked.

"Tommy and Lily are dating! They're a couple!" She announced loudly before standing up and rushing off, likely to continue spreading the word to others.

Craning my neck to peer down the long table, the two of them were side by side just like Jackson and I was. They were doing the exact same thing that we always did with their lunches spread out together. I had never seen either one of them sharing with each other before. It looked like they were copying the two of us if I didn't know any better.

"They look cute," I murmured. "Cozy."

"They look like us," he observed. My elbow connected with his arm playfully. "What? I'm just saying."

"Are we going to date one day? When we're old?" I had already made it very clear that I thought it was silly to date when we were this young. Last year, Mary and Alex had been together and they had caused a messy fight with the entire class when they broke up. Everyone wouldn't stop talking about it. It had been the talk of the entire spring semester up until the play at the end of the year.

"Yeah, we are." He nodded confidently.

"Well, I think that we should get married." I took one of his cookies, breaking it in half and taking half. "There's no point in dating if you're not going to get married."

"Fine by me."

A long sigh escaped from my lips as I shook stray droplets of water off of my hands, grabbing a towel from the pile and drying them off completely. Hunt had left me to close up after all of the organs had been removed from the patient by the transplant team and make sure that things weren't too gruesome for the family when the body was taken to the funeral home. More practice on real flesh, he insisted. I thought my stitching was pretty good but everything was a little disheartening after losing a patient to complications.

Leaning back against the metal sink, I took a deep breath and tilted my head back, rolling it from side to side and stretching out my neck and shoulders just a little bit from some of the stiffness there. I was tired. Jackson had kept me up till the late hours of the night.

Speak of the devil.

The door to the scrub room swung open as he walked in. I'd forgotten that he had some kind of gender confirmation surgery scheduled for today. He'd been pretty proud of the fact that Mark was finally letting him take the lead on one of his cases like that. It was one of his favorite parts of what he did – and I agreed, it was much more meaningful than some of the other things that he could do. He was holding a cup of coffee in his hands.

"Hey," I smiled at him.

Jackson held out the coffee, offering it toward me. "Hey. I saw that I was taking the O.R. from you once you were done, so I thought that I would bring you this."

"Thank you." I stretched up on my toes to meet his lips for a quick, chaste kiss. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he murmured, lingering next to me. "I much rather come to work in the morning with you."

The two of us had started to drive separately and try to act a little less attached at the hip at work, but now it was harder than it had ever been. I wanted to share all of my thoughts and feelings with him. We had been dating for almost a month in secret now, trying to act normal at work and then sneaking around after hours whenever we could.

"It's kind of sexy, though, sneaking around. The two of us and our secret, when we finally got people to stop thinking that we were together. That had been far from easy but they had finally lai off with the inappropriate comments about how he needed to pop my cherry or how I acted as his wife and caretaker. People were starting to finally see me as a person again, not attached to Nathan or him. That was the first time that it had happened since the merger.

"Well, you're kind of sexy." His head dipped down, nose brushing against mine affectionately.

"Shut up." I blushed. "But so are you."

Another kiss was pressed against my lips and I smiled, holding onto his shoulders. I kiss him back, this time longer than the first. He smelled good. He must have put cologne on this morning. I hadn't noticed it earlier.

"Too bad we can't go operate together. I have to get back to the O.R." I gave him one more kiss.

"Hey Jackson, when you–"

Before either one of us had the chance to realize that the door was opening up and Mark had walked into it, his voice was carrying through the door and we both jumped. I nearly stumbled to get away from him but it was too late, he had undoubtedly already seen the two of us nice and cozy up against each other, not a care about anything else in the world. He had probably even seen us kissing. All of that relaxation that he had gifted me was just as suddenly torn away.

"Well, well, well," Mark clucked his tongue boldly, his arms crossing in front of his chest.

"Dr. Sloan, we–"

"Mark–"

"Uh, uh, no way," he shook his head. "There's no getting around the two of you making out in the scrub room. I gotta hand it to you, Avery, I'd actually thought that you weren't dating for the first time. Smart boy. You two actually managed to fool me on this one.

My cheeks burned under his impenetrable accusation.

"You can not tell anyone." I squeaked out weakly. Jackson stepped toward me, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Please, Mark, don't" he spoke up. "All we're asking for is just a little bit of privacy between the two of us. We've already had enough attention and we really don't want to make things any worse. We're almost done with this year and then we'll just have one more left. We just want to get through the rest of our residency."

"I won't tell a soul," Mark shrugged. "Frankly, it's nice to see that you're finally loosened up. Both of you."

It was hard not to roll my eyes. "It's more than that." I pointed out.

"Sure, sure," Mark looked utterly amused with finding the two of like this. "Whatever you want."

"I uh, I think that we need to talk," Jackson suggested, rubbing the back of his head as he looked at Mark.

"I'm… I'm going to go." I muttered, quickly moving past Jackson's mentor.

Clutching the cup of coffee that Jackson had brought me tightly in my hand, I moved to the elevator just a little too quickly, gulping it down once I was inside and had hit the button to go back down to the first floor of the hospital. It was still warm and sweetened just enough for me.

I would have to keep my fingers crossed that Jackson would be able to confine him to keep my secret and more importantly, that Dr. Sloan would actually follow through on his word. Even if I wasn't suddenly best friends with everyone, things really had eased up in the past month and I had appreciated that. Izzie was kind to me as she had always been, and some of the teasing from the other three had lightened up. It even seemed like Reed was acting like a good friend again even if she was more distant now than she had been before. I was happy with him. I was happy with the entirety of my life for the first time in a while, with the work I was doing and who I was working with, coming into trauma and having a happy and healthy relationship. It seemed like life had finally sorted itself out for me.

Drinking the coffee in my hand just a little too fast, no doubt slightly dehydrated from the time that had been spent in surgery and needing to catch up on my fluid intake, I spot Owen working on another patient. He must have already spoken to the family of the patient that we had worked on earlier and they had accepted it. Or at least, hadn't kept him for a long time. It was always hard to predict what exactly would happen with families in these kinds of situations.

Trauma was usually plentiful in the emergency room during the day like this, even if the level of severity varied. Taking a deep breath and tossing the now empty paper cup into the recycling bin, I intend to go straight over to him before I'm stopped.

"Hey, Keps." There he was, even with the old nickname.

"Hi, Nathan." I forced a smile. "Do you need a consult or something?" He and Owen were still tense.

"No, no, not that," Nathan shook his head. "I was just hoping that we could talk."

I couldn't help but wish I was busy with a patient. "Talk about what?"

"I wanted to apologize for what happened," he shifted his weight and scratched the back of his head as he looked down at me. "I don't know what came over me, acting like that. It was a dick move and I'm not like that. We were together long enough that I would like to think you know that." It had surprised me, admittedly. "I'm not that kind of person."

"I didn't think that you were." The smile remained tight. "But thank you for apologizing. That was very mature of you." That part I could mean entirely, not having to force it out.

"I mean it," he followed up. "Maybe we could go out to dinner sometime. And a movie. Like old times."

"Huh?" My eyebrows shot up. "I, uh," I tried to speak my lips seemed to fail me.

"I really screwed things up with you, Keps, and I want to take that back. You were always too good for me but I'd like another chance." Eyes widened as I stared up at him and processed exactly what he was saying – what he was asking of me. "I'd like to go out with you again."

I sighed. "I, uh, I really don't think that's a good idea." The politest answer I could think of on the spot.

"Why not? You're not with Avery, are you?" Nathan asked.

"It's not that." I shook my head even though that was really a huge part of it. There was no way that I would be disloyal to him, especially after having to suffer through that feeling with Nathan. Even if he hadn't been the one for me, it was a miserable feeling. The inadequacy was hard to bare. "I… I just don't feel that way about you anymore, and I'm not sure that I ever could after what happened between us. I'm happy to be your friend, but I don't want anything more than that." Hopefully, an answer that he could handle. "I'm sorry, but I should really get back to work."

Even if I wasn't working on a specific case at that second, I needed an excuse to walk away before he could try to go further with that suggestion. I could be friends with him, but that was it. Nothing more. The only person I wanted to be with was Jackson.

Approaching Dr. Hunt quickly with somewhat of a hope that he was unlikely to follow given the tension between the two of them, I gave a quick little wave of my hand to get his attention to look up at the patient and from me. He gave a brief glance over my shoulder, likely seeing Riggs watching, but I refused to turn back and see. I'd left a bit abruptly which was unlike me, but cutting it clean seemed best.

"What was that about?" Hunt asked.

"Oh, uh…" I hesitated, glancing at the unconscious patient. It wouldn't hurt. "He kind of asked me out, I guess. I don't know. I said no."

"Good." He replied quickly. "You deserve better than a guy like that, Kepner. You're going to make a good trauma surgeon one day and I don't want you to be distracted by that kind of thing." Nathan would be the last person distracting me from surgery. I don't bring up Jackson.

"Thank you, Dr. Hunt," I smiled at him. "I appreciate that. Do you have something for me to work on?"

"Why don't you take a look at bed five? So far it's turning out to be a mystery diagnosis." He suggested.

With a bright smile and a fresh pair of tight gloves on my hands, I follow through with his request.

A good mystery was something that everyone would have loved to get their hands on and for what, I was grateful that Hunt had given the patient to me instead of passing him on to any of the other residents. It kept me busy for the end of the day and then some, not realizing that I had gone past the normal time that I got off until there are two texts on my phone from Jackson asking when I was going to be home and what I wanted to do for dinner. I send a text promising to pick up something on my way home, spending another half hour looking over labs and results before coming home.

Even though it was less than healthy and I usually tried to avoid having fast food for dinner, I stop by In-N-Out on the way home. It was one of Jackson's favorites and he got the same thing every time, a double-double and animal fries. Sometimes, with the way that he ate, it was amazing that he was as fit as he was. I certainly wouldn't have been able to maintain that level of fitness.

The lights and television are both on when I walk in the door and hang my keys on the hook by it, slipping out my shoes before heading into the kitchen and setting the food down on the counter. Football was predictably playing on the television and I hold back the roll of my eyes when I realize that it's a replay of some game – one that I was pretty sure even I had seen at some point. I didn't know how he could rewatch spots like that. It wasn't the same as a normal television show, as far as I was concerned.

"Hey, Jackson!" I called out.

"Hey, babe." His reply came a few seconds before his appearance did, dressed down in just a shirt in boxers. "Oh, you didn't." A broad grin appeared as he recognized the food on the counter. "You're the best."

"I try," I gave an innocent, cutesy shrug of my shoulders. "I had a weird conversation today."

"What about?" He asked.

I began pulling the food out of the bag as I spoke. "Riggs tried to get together with me again."

"What?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "He apologized about what happened. With me, at least, not for hitting you. I said no, that I wasn't interested."

"Jesus," Jackson said it like a swear word and my gaze snapped up to glare at him. I knew he had the habit, but I hated it used like that. "Sorry. Did you tell him about us? That we're together?" He asked.

"No," I shook my head. "He suggested it but I brushed it off. What happened with Dr. Sloan?"

"Mark said that he would keep it a secret," he began to grab his food as he spoke. "I know that you're not close with him, but… I trust him. He's been good to me, taking me under his wing like that. He makes me feels like I belong in plastics." That had to be important to him. Male role models were something that he had lacked throughout his entire life. His grandfather rarely gave him the time of day when we were younger.

"That's good." I smiled at him sincerely as we sat down at the table. "You know, Dr. Hunt has started to do the same thing. Who knew? Breaking up with Nathan would be good for my professional life just like it was for my personal life."

He laughed. "Well, I can definitely attest to the latter half of that."

"I thought so," I smiled through the roll of my eyes. "How long do you think we're going to be able to keep this a secret?"

"Honestly?" Jackson paused and let out a breath. "I'm not sure."

"It's been a month," I mused, plopping a normal fry into my mouth. "That's kind of impressive. You used to always say that I'm a terrible liar."

"You still are." He chuckled, shaking his head.

Chewing at the inside of my cheek, I leaned back in my chair. "Last time I told someone that I loved you, I was sent away. Halfway across the country and I spent the next year completely miserable and sad and… I hated all of it and I know that you suffered, too, because you didn't know the truth." Before I can help myself, the words are spilling out of my lips too quickly for me to control. "I don't want to jinx it."

He paused, sitting up. "You haven't said that you love me yet. Do you?"

"I do." I smiled at him even with some heaviness. "I do, Jackson, God knows that I do. I just don't want to jinx it and have something happen. I don't want to go through that again and I don't want to put you through that again."

"April…" Jackson sighed out my name, reaching across the table and taking my head. "Nothing will ever take you away from me again. I promise."

"I hope you're right."