Thanks to everyone for the feedback for what should replace Love Me Back to Life. After some debate and considering all the input Alone on a School Night will replace Love Me Back to Life. Look for the premier after the next chapter of Salvaged and Saved.
Ch. 48 Until Now Gives Way to Then
(MIA)
"Happy birthday Jenna," Lucas and I say together upon entering the Mason house. We hug Jenna together and set our gift on the table. Lucas was here earlier to be with Clare while everyone else was at work or school. He picked me up after class and we spent the afternoon at his place looking at bigger apartments online and applying to a few that we liked.
"Thanks I'm glad you both could come," Jenna smiles.
We greet everyone else, it looks like most people are here, only Owen and Tris have yet to arrive. The Masons are here of course, including Bianca and Maya, and Fitz who like Maya has practically moved in. Jay, Sean, Emma, Johnny and Samantha and of course K.C. are here. Jenna is walking around greeting people, rubbing her pregnant belly and I find myself unconsciously rubbing my own belly. Lucas smiles and kisses my cheek pulling me into his arms.
Owen arrives with Tris and Zane and they say Happy Birthday to Jenna. There's so many of us that they're setting up tables and chairs in the living room. Paige and Emma made Jenna chicken parmesan with green beans and garlic mashed potatoes, Lucas tells me it's her favorite. With such a big group there's three or four conversations going on and you can really only hear the people sitting close to you. Lucas and I are sitting at the far end with Spinner, Paige, Emma, Sean and Jay. We talk about Sean and Emma's ongoing wedding plans and about Lucas and I moving and finding a good apartment for us and the baby.
"Have you told Jane you got your girlfriend pregnant yet?" Jay asks.
"Yeah she was disappointed at first and lectured about safe sex but after we calmed her down she was happy for us," Lucas tells them.
"Well you can't blame her given how you were as a kid," Jay teases him.
"You should talk," Lucas shoots back.
"Yeah guess we didn't exactly set a good example for the younger ones," Jay remarks although he doesn't exactly sound sorry about this.
"Hey speak for yourself, Adam's only problem is he was born in the wrong body. He's never been in trouble he got into himself. Drew did mostly sports, the most he got into was a few fights," Spinner says defending his siblings; well most of them.
"And Clare?" I question glancing over at her a few seats down between Fitz and Adam.
"I love my sister, more than life, but she has attracted trouble from the minute she was born. Part of it is probably our fault, it didn't help that she was always surrounded by guys, but she was never a tomboy. Some of it she purposely got herself into and sometimes it finds her, like Reese. She's not the only one though, Fitz was always getting into trouble, Bianca did too for attention, Johnny lived off it for a while, Owen and K.C. have had their share. But for the most part we've all turned out pretty well," Spinner says with a proud smile toward his siblings.
After everyone is done eating I help clear the table and we put all of Jenna's presents on the table for her to open. She gets a lot of things for music and stuff for her to use after the baby is born. She likes all of her presents and after she opens them and we clear the table again we have cake. Since it's a work/school night for people the party is pretty much over after the cake. K.C. takes Jenna home with her presents, Maya goes home with them. Lucas and I say goodnight and return to his apartment. We spend some more time looking at apartments and filling out applications. We spend a few hours doing it, looking at various complexes and filling out the applications if we can afford it and it's one we like.
I have classes tomorrow and a lot of homework to finish so we get ready for bed and go to bed before it gets too late. I get into Lucas' bed and he wraps me in his arms, it feels so comforting and safe to be in his arms. He kisses my temple and I fall asleep contented and happy. I dream of a future with Lucas and our baby, a little house and a yard and a baby in our arms. I wake up with a smile and kiss Lucas to wake him up. He works nights so he's not used to getting up so early but he'll have to with a new baby. I get ready for school and he throws on some clothes and takes me to school.
"I love you," I smile giving him a soft kiss.
"I love you too. Text me when you're done, I'll pick you up," he says.
I nod and get out of the car, I haven't told anyone at school I'm pregnant yet but I meet with a guidance counselor today. I tell her I'm pregnant and that if the baby comes on time I'll only be a month into fall term. She suggests I take classes from home for that semester and can return for winter and spring term. Fall classes aren't out yet but she makes a note in my record and tells me to come see her again in a couple of months when fall classes are released.
I also tell a few of the friends I've made here and will tell my roommate and student housing that I'll be moving out soon. Lucas and I want to move in together as soon as possible so we have time living together before the baby is born. It's one thing for me to stay a few nights at Lucas' place but it will be a whole different thing living together full-time.
Everyone is shocked when I tell them I'm pregnant and moving in with Lucas, but when I assure them I'm happy so are they. When I finish classes I return to my dorm to get some clean clothes and some other stuff, and to tell my roommate about the pregnancy and moving out. She's happy for me and happy to have the room all to herself. I text Lucas and he comes to the dorm to get me and we return to his place.
"I made a few appointments with prospective apartments tomorrow, starting at ten," Lucas tells me.
"You don't even get home until three in the morning you won't get much sleep."
"I'll be alright, I don't work tomorrow night and being with you gives me energy," Lucas grins and I giggle. "Johnny called, he wanted to know if we wanted to have lunch with him and Samantha tomorrow between looking at apartments?"
"Yeah that sounds fun."
Lucas texts Johnny that we'll meet them tomorrow and will text them after the second appointment when we are sure to be ready for lunch. We make dinner together and then Lucas has to leave for work. He kisses me goodbye and I take a shower before starting on homework. I go to bed around one and get awoken a couple hours later when Lucas gets home. He kisses me when he gets into bed and I fall asleep again. His alarm wakes us both at nine, we get up and start getting ready, eat a light breakfast before leaving for the first apartment building. It looked nice on the website but when we get there it's very noisy. We look at another place, it's nice and the two bedroom is a good size, the apartment we look at is on the second floor and I wonder how long the apartment would work for us. We look around the grounds, it's a nice complex with a garden area and a pool that would be nice in the summer. It's after twelve now and our next appointment isn't until one so Lucas sends a text to Johnny and we meet them at Swiss Chalet for lunch.
"How's the apartment hunt going?" Samantha asks when we sit down to eat.
"The first place was too noisy; the last place was nice but we'd be on the second floor and I worry that once this kid is running around we'll be annoying the heck out of the downstairs neighbors. Still the complex was nice, we have three more to look at today and a few tomorrow before dinner with Evelyn," I tell them.
"I'm sure you'll find something, and you've still got a lot of time," Johnny comments.
"Yeah and if we don't find something this weekend we'll look next weekend. Did you hear from U of T yet Samantha?" Lucas asks.
"Yeah still waitlisted, they said I wouldn't get in this semester but I will start this summer. In the meantime, I got a job at a clothing store in the mall. It's not glamorous but the hours are flexible and I can save up some money. I love my aunt, uncle and cousin but I'm not sure how long Anya and I can share a room."
The four of us talk and eat, it's very nice and I really like both Johnny and Samantha. Lucas and I have to leave when we're done eating to get to our next appointment. Of the four places we look at today one stands out to me, it has everything we'd need for the next few years and the apartment is even on the first floor, and has a playground area and a pool. Lucas pays the background check fee and pays a deposit. We have 30 days to change our mind if we find something better but I doubt that we will. We pick up dinner on the way back to the apartment and eat in front of the TV. I sleep soundly in Lucas' arms again that night and we spend the day looking at apartments again on Sunday. A full day with five more complexes but none of them compare to the one we found yesterday. In our hearts we both know that's the one so Lucas says he'll call first thing in the morning to tell them we'll take it.
We arrive at Evelyn's house for dinner and she greets us both with warm hugs. She has dinner ready so we sit down and begin eating, she asks about the apartment hunting and we tell her about our favorite apartment and how the others compared.
"Jane called this morning, she'll be coming out for Spring Break," Evelyn tells us.
"I can't wait to meet her," I smile.
"And she's looking forward to meeting you. Have you made an appointment with a doctor yet?" Evelyn asks.
"No I hadn't even thought of it," I reply.
"You should look for one together, someone you're both comfortable with. Your first appointment will be very long so make it for a day when you both have a couple of hours. After that the appointments will be fairly quick and only a couple in the first trimester. As the pregnancy gets further along the appointments will be closer together. You'll need to do some careful planning and should probably take birthing classes and parenting classes wouldn't be a bad idea. It's trickier than you think to change a diaper and feed a baby."
"We'll definitely take some parenting classes. I'm happy but I have to admit that I'm scared to death," I comment.
"That's perfectly normal My Dear," Evelyn says with a kind smile and it's very comforting.
We have a nice dinner with Evelyn before Lucas takes me back to the dorm. I have a very early class or I would stay at his apartment but I don't want him to have to wake up at six to bring me.
"You know," I comment as we begin walking to my dorm room, "I'll probably need a car of my own to get to classes, possibly appointments."
"We'll find something. Sean and Jay are great mechanics I'm sure they can fix up anything and might even have a line on a good cheap car. I wish we could afford more," Lucas apologizes and I stop walking so he does as well.
"We'll make it work and I don't need a great car just one that works. I have you, we're having a baby, I'm happy and I love you," I assert looping my arms around his neck and crushing my lips to his passionately.
(CLARE)
"Hey get moving breakfast at The Dot," Drew hollers banging on my door as I'm getting dressed.
"Why? We have food here," I remark opening my bedroom door.
"Spin says to bring you to The Dot for breakfast," Drew shrugs.
"He already lectured me last night about everything I shouldn't do and not to stay past lunch," I huff.
"So he wants to go over it again. You di…"
"I died, I know, I know. Does dying mean I have to hear the same lectures over and over and be told the same things over and over. I'm eager to get back to my daily life but I'm also still in a lot of pain," I inform my middle brother and he furrows his brow at me.
"How much pain?"
"I can still go to school Drew it's nothing but walking and sitting," I remind him.
"If the pain gets too bad you'd better tell one of us," he says just as Mark comes out of the washroom.
"She's not allowed to carry her books and if she looks tired I'll carry her," Mark grins.
"We're leaving in ten for breakfast at The Dot," Drew tells him before going to Adam's room to make sure he's getting up.
I get on my shoes and brush my hair, Mark gets my backpack and Adam rides with us in Mark's car. Drew and Bianca take his car and we meet at The Dot. Just as suspected Spinner tells me again all the things I can't do or shouldn't do while healing, all stuff I've heard from him and the doctor before him but I listen and nod anyway.
"Home before the end of lunch, I'll be home by 1:15," Spinner reminds me.
"I know, Mark will bring me home at lunch and probably Adam will come with us, after we eat with the others of course."
Spinner smiles and we finish breakfast before making the very short drive down the street to the school parking lot. Mark gets my books from the back and we walk into school. Owen and most of the Ice Hounds are standing in the foyer, they do that a lot like they're establishing territory or something. They certainly all get a pack mentality when three or more of them are together. What's worse is most of them have alpha male personalities, which is typical of most sports but it's a wonder they don't kill each other.
"How you feelin'?" Owen asks leaving the pack to come over to us. Jeff and Dallas come over as well but Danny seems to be smirking at us for some reason.
"Good, ready to be back at school," I reply with a smile.
"You look better," Jeff grins.
"I didn't see you in the hospital but you look pretty good for someone who died," Dallas says with a playful grin.
"Thanks," I reply.
"I guess you'll be leaving at lunch so I won't see you in drama," Jeff comments.
"Yeah only back for half days but the doctor said I might be able to return to full days next week if I feel up to it."
"Good, hopefully you can," Jeff replies.
"I hope so too. We should get to my locker," I say hanging onto Mark's arm as standing still is becoming uncomfortable.
"You okay?" Mark asks putting an arm around me.
"Yeah fine it's just not comfortable to stand for too long," I reply.
Everyone moves out of the way so we can walk, Mark keeps his arm around me and I keep hold of his arm. Drew and Bianca leave us to go to their lockers but we see K.C. and Jenna at their lockers when get there.
"Where's Maya?" Adam asks K.C. as he opens his locker.
"Home sick," K.C. tells him.
"Let's get you to class," Mark says after getting my books from my locker.
Adam, Jenna and K.C. come with us because the four of us have the same homeroom. Mark walks me to my desk, sets my books on the desk and kisses me before walking to his own homeroom. Mr. Armstrong welcomes me back to class before starting the lesson. All I need is my notebook and a pencil. I leave my backpack on the desk because taking it off and having to bend over or lift it back up if I need something else from it would be too much moving. Adam and I have science together next and he gets my backpack, I've been strictly forbidden from carrying anything heavier than my dinner plate for the time being. Science, unlike math, requires doing things but Adam and I are lab partners so he does most of it. Mr. Bettenkamp, like all my other teachers knows what happened so he says nothing of Adam doing all the work.
"You ready for lunch?" Adam asks as I slide off my stool but when I hiss in pain he gives me a worried look.
"I'm okay, just haven't moved really in the last two weeks and I'm stiff," I assure him.
"That's not it. I'm your twin you can't fool me," Adam scowls.
"I'm okay Adam, it hurts but I'm alright. I didn't realize how much I actually moved at school. Besides I'm going to eat with you guys and then Mark will take me home."
"You want one of your pain pills?" He asks as we walk out of class.
"No they make me sleepy. If I need to I'll take one when I get home."
Adam drops it and we meet the others in the memorial garden to eat lunch. Drew, Bianca and Mark are already here and I sit down leaning against Mark and taking up the rest of the bench. Owen comes in with in with Vanessa while Adam lifts my feet putting them on his lap. Owen and Vanessa sit with Drew and Bianca just as K.C. and Jenna come in. Everyone starts eating and Adam hands me my lunch from my backpack. I take it but I don't open it and Adam scowls at me again.
"I'm just not hungry, I did eat breakfast," I remind him.
"Why aren't you eating?" Drew questions now that his attention has been drawn to it.
"She hurts," Adam answers for me and now pretty much everyone is scowling at me.
"Okay I think it's time to get you home to rest," Mark says putting his lunch down.
"But I…"
"No Fitz is right, you're here for morning classes and you were now go home. You need to rest, I can always call Spinner," Drew threatens.
"Fine I'm going home," I sigh.
I get up slowly and everyone either says they'll see me tomorrow or they'll see me after school. I wave and leave the memorial garden.
"I'm just going to put my backpack in my locker, you want me to stash yours Adam?" Mark asks.
"Yeah thanks," Adam says handing his backpack to Mark, "we'll meet you at the front."
Mark nods and turns to walk down the hall to their lockers. Adam and I start walking to the front but suddenly Anya is in front of us.
"Hi Clare, Jeff said you were feeling better," Anya smiles.
"I am thanks, but only here for half a day Mark's just about to take me home," I reply and Anya nods before looking at Adam.
"Adam I wanted to tell you that I thought it was really sweet and noble the way you stayed at Clare's bedside when she was in the hospital," Anya grins making flirty eyes at Adam. Usually Adam is oblivious to girls flirting with him but he seems to notice Anya flirting because he grins back, his eyes lighting up a little. Before Adam can stumble over a response to Anya Mark returns.
"Let's get you home," Mark says putting his arm around me. "Hey Anya," Mark nods to her before we leave. The three of us go out to Mark's car and he drives us home. Adam brings in my backpack and Mark walks me to my room, I sit on the bed and kick off my shoes.
"Okay now I'll take one of my pain pills," I tell Adam when he sets my backpack down.
"You need anything else? I can stay until Spinner gets home," Mark offers while Adam gets out a pill and hands it to me. I take the pill and swallow it with a sip of water from the water bottle on my nightstand.
"No the pill will put me to sleep, you'll be here right after school won't you?" I ask Mark.
"Nowhere else I'd want to be," Mark grins.
"Spin will be home in forty-five minutes but if you need something before then text Jay or Lucas," Adam tells me.
"I know, I'll be okay," I assure them both.
Mark gives me a tender kiss before he and Adam leave. I hear the front door and close my eyes; the pain pill hasn't taken effect yet and I'm pretty tender. I lie still waiting for the pain pill to do its job but when I hear my window opening my eyes open again. I see Jeff crawling in the window and I smile.
"You should be at school, wait did you follow us home?"
"No, but I heard from Anya that Fitz and Adam were taking you home and I wanted to see you. I was fairly certain that they'd return to school for the rest of lunch and third period," Jeff smirks getting on the bed with me.
"You know Spinner will be home soon," I comment.
"Am I supposed to be afraid of Spinner?"
"You're not supposed to be caught in my room, you're not my boyfriend," I remark.
"I'm not your boyfriend yet," Jeff smirks crawling over to join his lips to mine.
"Jeff, I love Mark you can't keep kissing me when I have a boyfriend," I assert pushing him away.
"Then break up with him and be with me. I know you love Fitz but I know you love me too. It's not fair to any of us for you to stay with him," Jeff insists sitting down next to me. "You know how I feel about you Clare, and I know you feel the same. You lost your virginity to me, I know that means something," he says in a tone that manages to be pleading and demanding all at once.
"Of course it does. I wanted it to be with you but that was a long time ago and Mark was still in juvie," I remind him.
"And if he was in juvie still when I transferred to DeGrassi? Or if I had been here since the beginning of the year and not an hour away?"
"But Mark wasn't in juvie in January and you weren't at DeGrassi from the beginning of the year. You showed up without telling me and now you're asking me to choose," I huff in response as I cross my arms.
"I'm not asking you to choose me over him, I'm asking you to break up with him and be with me because I live here now. Because it's only fair to all of us if you and I are allowed to explore what we have and how we feel. For us to be together and not just having fun, writing letters, and escaping. Don't you want to know if this is real Clare?" He pleads taking my hand with both of his.
All I can do is bite my lip and look away. I don't know how to respond to that. It was easy when Jeff was an hour away, when Mark was in juvie, when I had them both and yet didn't have either of them.
"I can't just break up with Mark," I say after the silence feels like it's suffocating.
"You want me to talk to him?"
"No I…I need some time think and you need to get back to school," I assert. Jeff lets out a sigh before placing his fingers under my chin and forcing me to look at him.
"You know I love you Clare," he says before leaving me with a soft kiss on my lips.
When he's gone through my window I close my eyes again. The pain pill has taken effect and it's making me sleepy, coupled with a morning of more activity than I anticipated and Jeff's romantic, yet pleading gesture, I'm exhausted and quickly fall to sleep. It's not a peaceful sleep, instead I'm thrust into a tumultuous dream and I wake suddenly sitting up rapidly.
"OWWWW!" I shriek out in a painful cry as the rapid, but unintentional, movement sends a shock of pain through my abdomen.
"What happened? What's wrong?" Spinner asks running into my room in a panic.
"I sat up too fast waking from a dream," I tell him holding my stomach. He comes to the bed and guides me to lie down gently. While he lifts my shirt to look I wonder if the tears wetting my face are from the pain or the dream?
"Well it doesn't look like anything popped but you'd better lie still for a bit. You want to come out to the living room and watch some TV?" He asks and I nod. Spin picks me up and I suck in a painful breath as even that hurt, he sets me carefully on the sofa and hands me the remote. By the clock on the cable box I know I was asleep for about two hours which means Spin has been home for over an hour. "Adam gave you a pain pill right when you got home so you can't have another just yet but I can give you some ice and some Ibuprofen," Spin offers.
"Yes please, it really hurts."
"I'll check it again in about half an hour, you may have ripped the internal sutures or something," Spinner tells me before he goes into the kitchen.
He gives me the ice pack wrapped in a towel and a glass of water. The ice is soothing but the pressure of the ice pack actually hurts a little. Spinner returns with some Ibuprofen and hands it to me, I swallow it and find something to watch on TV. I watch TV absentmindedly for a little over an hour before the door opens and Mark comes in with Adam, Drew and Bianca. Spinner took the ice pack after twenty minutes and looked at my stomach again but he said it looked okay.
"What did you do?" Adam asks me as they all set their stuff down.
"Inadvertently sat up too quickly when waking up from a from a dream," I reply.
"Don't do that," Adam scolds.
"You okay?" Mark questions sitting down and my feet and putting them on his lap.
"It hurts, Spinner gave me some ice and a pain reliever but I couldn't have another pain pill yet," I reply.
"Actually you can have another one now if you need it," Spinner says. I start to sit up and hiss in pain again. "I'll take that as a yes," Spinner comments.
Spinner gets me another pain pill and I fall asleep to the TV while the others do homework. I get woken up when it's time for dinner, we all eat in the living room and I sit up slowly so no pain this time. I do not eat much however and after dinner Mark and I go back to my room. He has homework to finish but I haven't even begun on mine. I sit on my bed and get comfortable while he gets out our books for us to do homework. It takes me a couple hours to finish it all and Mark finishes before me. When Mark is done with his homework I ask him to hold me and he does of course. When I'm done with my homework I'm tired and we both get ready for bed, in my bed and I get into Mark's arms.
"You know I love you," I tell him.
"I know," he grins kissing my forehead, "I love you too, more than anything."
"I know," I reply quietly looking down at his chest and softly dragging my fingers over his belly.
"Clare what's wrong? What was your dream about this afternoon?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired," I tell him. I am tired but I don't tell him that after Jeff's visit my mind and heart are in turmoil.
Mark strokes my back gently until his breathing gets heavy and regular and his hand stops. I try to sleep, for at least two hours I lie there and try to sleep but it doesn't come. I hear the house go quiet and I know it's late, I still can't sleep and I carefully get out of Mark's arms. I manage to move without causing myself too much pain and I tiptoe out of my room and go into Adam's, I already know my twin is awake so I'm not surprised to find Adam sitting in his bed on his phone.
"Maya won't talk to me I think something's wrong," Adam sighs setting down his phone. Before he clicks the button to put it to sleep I see a bunch of texts sent by Adam and no responses from Maya.
"She's not the only girl out there Adam," I remind him as I carefully sit on his bed and he moves over for me. "Anya was flirting with you just this afternoon."
"Anya was just being nice," Adam disputes.
"Adam she was not, she was flirting. Lots of girls flirt with you Adam they just get frightened sometimes when they find out about you, but Anya already knows about you and she was most definitely flirting with you. You don't have to stay with Maya because she's part of our group of friends and you've sort of been matched since being kids."
"Words of wisdom you should maybe be heeding yourself?" Adam asks.
"I don't know," I groan.
"What does your heart want?" Adam inquires.
"That's the problem my heart wants them both. I love Mark and I love Jeff, I want to be with them both. It worked for Tris, Zane and Riley but I know Jeff and Mark would never agree to such a thing. I don't want to break up with Mark, I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lose him. But I love Jeff too, and I don't want to lose him or hurt him either. I love them both in the same way and in entirely different ways. I don't know what to do Adam. Jeff was here this afternoon pleading for me to break up with Mark to be with him."
"I know Fitz loves you and I know he'll be hurt if you break up with him but you won't lose Fitz if you break up with him. But if you're having doubts you need to talk to Fitz, be honest with him. If you keep feeling doubts Fitz is going to feel those doubts. If you never explore what you have with Jeff and you stay with Fitz then Jeff will eventually move on to someone else, and if you're jealous when Jeff does then Fitz will see that too and that will hurt."
"I know you're right, I just don't want to hurt Mark," I huff putting my head on Adam's shoulder.
"Whether or not you break up with him Fitz is going to be hurt if he's always wondering if you're thinking about Jeff. You need to talk to him to Clare," Adam urges.
"I'll talk to Mark if you talk to Maya," I bargain.
"Yeah I know I need to talk to her too," Adam nods.
"You didn't tell me what's going on with you and Maya," I comment.
"I don't know what's going on. She's been kind of distant and we fought about it and then she told me she was horny and I thought that was it, because she didn't want to tell me you know? I ate her out and things were good for a few days but then she started getting distant again, went home with K.C. on Jenna's birthday Thursday and she's barely spoken to me since," Adam sighs.
"Remember Adam she's not the only girl out there."
"Yeah I know," he nods and we're silent for a few minutes. "So what was this dream you had that woke you suddenly and caused so much pain?" Adam inquires.
"It started with me in Mark's arms but were in a light and it was dark all around us. Then Jeff called to me and stepped into the light and I left Mark's arms to go to Jeff. As soon as I was in Jeff's arms Mark disappeared and I started calling to him, I could hear his voice but it got fainter. I left Jeff's arms to find Mark and then I got swallowed by the dark calling for both of them," I tell Adam and he reaches over taking my hand.
"Whatever happens you're not going to lose Fitz's friendship Clare, he cares about you too much," Adam assures me.
"I hope not. I couldn't take it if I lost him but I will talk to him, soon."
Update soon probably starting the following day and likely including an Ice Hounds game. Updated next is Hold Me Now and Don't Let Go.