APRIL
Right when it felt like things in my life had finally settled into place, everything changed again.
"Oh, gosh, this is going to be terrible," I whined. "No one respects me enough for me to be doing this. Just because they don't have me now doesn't mean that they're actually willing to give me a chance to do this. I'm me! People don't like me!"
Even though twenty-four hours ago, the idea of being chief resident was an exciting one, reality had quickly sunken in to make me reconsider just about everything. I wasn't sure how it was possible. Dr. Hunt liked me, sure, and Dr. Robbins had seemed fond enough of me after working on a patient that she said was important to her together. But I thought that was it. I was sure that at this point, Nathan no longer had anything kind to say about me. There was a reason that I tried to push away thinking about him. Paging cardio was consistently the most dreadful part of my day on any given day. Now, I was going to have to play a role in every single service when it came to being in charge of all the other surgical residents. This was going to be a nightmare.
"Being chief resident is not the end of the world." Jackson disagreed.
"Oh, no, I'm so sorry. I'm the worst girlfriend! You wanted this and instead, I got it, yet all I can do is complain. I'm a terrible girlfriend and I'm going to be a terrible chief resident. That's a really good way to start off our final year." My hands covered my face in sheer embarrassment.
"Neither one of those things are true, strawberry." He placed his hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze. "Here, let me make you feel better."
Admittedly, having sex with him does make me feel a lot better. The second round of it was even better than the first and finally managed to get all of that negative energy out of my system. After twenty-eight years of being a virgin, sex was definitely something that I could get used to doing all the time. Suddenly all of those apps like Tinder and Bumble made sense. Sex was amazing, especially when it was with Jackson. I had been fooling myself to think sex was anything other than great - but I was glad that he was the only man that I had been with, and hopefully, ever would be with.
But it was only a temporary fix. The next morning when my alarm goes off and I lay in bed for a few minutes longer, all of the insecure thoughts come rolling back in. I curled up against Jackson, nudging him back awake in the process.
"This isn't going to go well," I whined.
"I thought we talked about this." He murmured, stroking my hair.
"We did." I sighed. "Still not feeling it."
"You're going to be good at this. Every single thing that you've been scared about in the past and ended up doing, you were good at. More than good at. This is just going to be another one of those things. But once we get to work and you get started with all of this, it's going to work for you. I promise."
It was a good pep talk.
But it did go to waste. As much as I wanted everything to work out and to be good at it right off the bat like Jackson seemed to think I was able to be, it was hard to keep my cool. Karev didn't respect me, Yang certainly didn't respect me – Reed and Meredith would at least put on a face and pretend to for as long as they weren't behind my back. I couldn't tell if it was better or worse. At least Izzie seemed genuine. She was the only one other than Jackson that I could really depend on.
Maybe I had set my goals too high.
As chief resident, I wanted to be able to bring something new to the table and make sure that at least all of the attending knew that the right choice had been made. It was pretty clear that the other residents weren't going to feel that way, but maybe I could impress them. The emergency room was my home and the messiest place in the hospital, that was something I knew for sure. I spent way too much time in it to not know that. Owen was great at what he did but he wasn't the best when it came to paperwork and administrative stuff. We were lucky that things had never fallen through the cracks in the past.
So I made a checklist. I was always good at organization and knew exactly what always needed to be done in the ER. Getting up early and heading into work on my own, I get the guys at IT to help me get it set up on the iPads for everyone to use. I thought that it was a great idea and that it would work.
"Dr. Hunt, uh, you forgot to write down on the checklist whether–"
"Kepner, not right now." He barked back at me. "I'm in the middle of this. I don't have time for it."
"Well, actually, it's supposed to save time." I attempted with a forced smile.
"Not right now."
Huffing out a breath, I turned away on my heel and went back to work. I had thought that he would like it because it was meant to make things easier and better in the ER, not the opposite. So much for making a good impression on the first day.
At least at the end of it, I can go home and curl up on the couch with a pint of ice cream all to myself. All of the dairy in it would make my stomach hurt later but I didn't care as long as it got me to unwind. And it does, between that and an ABC marathon of Harry Potter playing on the television. Jackson makes it home a few minutes after me, plopping down on the couch next to me and putting my feet on his lap.
"I heard," he murmured gently.
"I really thought it was going to go better than that." I chewed at the inside of my cheek.
"Tomorrow is a new day. People are probably still a little bitter about it." He pointed out. "They'll get past it."
"I hope that's all it is." I stabbed my spoon into the mint chocolate chip, clearing the spoon. "I want to be good at this. But it's a constant reminder that maybe I'm not the best pick for this job. You would be better at it than I am. People like you and they listen to you."
He rubbed my ankle. "It's not about who's the most liked."
"It sure feels that way," I grumbled.
"It's not." Jackson insisted. "You're smart. The checklist is a good idea and people will come around to it. They just need a little time to work past some jealousy. That's all."
"I hope that you're right." My lips pressed together.
"I am." He smirked. "Now give me some of the ice cream. Do you remember when we were freshmen in high school? You ate two pints of chocolate ice cream and you were in so much pain after."
"I still can't eat chocolate ice cream." The memory made me smile. "But that won't stop me from every other flavor."
He laughed. "You've always been a stress eater."
"It distracts me from the stress. I was going to eat the carrots and hummus in the fridge but this was just easier." I shrugged. "And it tastes better."
"It does," Jackson agreed. "But how about we save the rest of this for after dinner?"
The next day was a new day like he said. Not quite as bad as the first but still far from what I wanted it to be. I wasn't asking for easy but just something that was a little more conquerable than all of this.
Slowly over the next week, the checklist began to become more implemented. Bailey was fine with it as it was and she was the one that seemed to have the most control over everything that was happening in the hospital even if she was just an attending. People respected her and listened to her no matter what it was about, and she was willing to follow it. Other attending began to fall in line with going with it. Once they do, the other residents have no choice but to go along with it so they don't end up screwing something up by ignoring it.
That doesn't mean any of them are nice to mean. That would have been asking too much.
Finishing up with one of the patients who had come into the emergency room with a migraine but nothing else, administering some pain medication and leaving them be. I nearly crash face first into Karev, coming or going.
"Oh–" I huffed out. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
"Too busy with your little checklist?" He made a mocking face, rushing past.
I stood there for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut and taking a deep breath. There was no point in getting worked up over something like that and I knew it. It wasn't worth getting upset over. I had done that too many times and it only meant that he kept it up. The less that I reacted, the less that he would continue with it. That was what I had always been told.
"Hey," Izzie's soft voice nearly startled me. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little bothered but it's no big deal."
"Try not to let him get to you." She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "He's rough around the edges but there is a soft, gooey core way down there. It just takes a while to get to. Years, sometimes."
"I'm just trying to keep my head on right." I shrugged and tucked my hands into my pocket. "This year is going to be over before we know it."
"You're right," she agreed. "And for what it's worth, I think that you're doing a pretty good job."
My eyebrows raised. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Izzie nodded. "I do. But it wouldn't hurt if you were willing to stand up to them a little. Snap them into shape." Her pager went off and she looked down it. "I've got to go. But a few of us are going to Joe's tonight. You and Jackson should join us."
"Yeah, we will."
Feeling a little bit better after her words, I send a quick text to Jackson to make sure that he was interested in going to Joe's with everyone else tonight. He replied that it was fine. I'm not sure if having plans for the night made things better or worse, but it does make things go by a little faster.
Once our shift was over, I got changed out of my scrubs and into a pair of jeans and a blouse. I moved my car to the parking lot there in case anyone ended up needing a drive home and so I wouldn't have to walk back across the street when it was dark. I had another early morning tomorrow, something that I had been doing pretty much nonstop since the chief resident announcement had been made, which means that I wouldn't bother actually drinking but at least I could go for the social aspect of it.
Cristina, Alex, Meredith, and Jackson were already sitting at the bar. I made a slow beeline over to join them, sitting on the barstool next to Jackson and away from Alex and Meredith. When Joe came over, I ordered a diet coke.
I try to interject twice in the conversation that they were having and only Jackson ignored me. Izzie joined us at the bar a few minutes later, sitting on the opposite side. Her words from earlier come to mind and it was after the third time that Alex completely ignored me that I finally blurted out what was on my mind.
"Just because you're pissed that I'm chief resident doesn't mean that you can pretend I'm not here."
"No one cares that you're chief resident." Alex mocked me.
"No. You know what? No." I straightened up, trying to make myself taller. "I am your chief resident and you will respect me. Karev? You're on nights in the ER for the next two weeks. I am doing like, 20 jobs in one and no one else is. I am your chief resident, you need to listen to what I say! So unless the rest of you want to be spending your fifth year doing scut, then I suggest you start giving me a little respect."
Izzie and I locked eyes and pride shone in her lights eyes. I gave her a small smile before looking at the stunned expression on Meredith, Alex, and Cristina's faces. I picked up my coke and took a long sip from it, smirking to myself.
"I am going to go pee now," I announced, standing up.
As I walked away, I could hear Cristina's comment. "That was actually respectable. Finally."
Using the bathroom and washing my hands afterward, the door opened and I habitually looked up toward the door in the reflection of the mirror. If it was any other man in the world walking into the women's room in a bar then I probably would have panicked and screamed, but seeing that it was Jackson, I unwound.
"Pretty sure you're in the wrong bathroom." I smiled at him, grabbing a paper towel and drying my hands.
"Anyone else in here?" He asked quietly. I shook my head. "Good."
"Good?" My eyebrows rose as he locked the door behind him.
"You stood up to everyone out there." Jackson stepped toward me so that I was between him and the sink. His hands went to my hips, thumbs hooking around my belt loops. "That was hot."
"You think so?"
He bent down, nipping at my lower lip. "Mmhm. Pretty sure even they know that, even if they won't admit it. I like it when you stand up for yourself like that. It's very sexy."
"I guess I'll have to do it more often." I gave a wide smile.
Cupping my face and pushing me back so that I was pinned against the sink, he kissed me hard. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck to compensate for the fact that he was so much taller than me. Jackson reached down, grabbing my thighs and lifting me up just a bit. He sat me down on the counter and I wrapped my legs around his hips, hooking my ankles behind his back. He took a handful of my ass, pulling me tighter against him.
Kissing him harder than before, I could taste the beer on his lips as his tongue as it slipped inside my mouth. It tasted good. A hand slid up the front of my shirt, beneath my bra and palming my breast roughly. He pinched and tweaked my nipple roughly.
"Feels so good." I groaned.
"I'm going to make you feel even better." He promised.
Jackson pulled me off the counter and turned me around so that I could see both of us in the mirror. He moved my hair to one side of my neck, beginning to kiss and suck along the gentle skin there. He unbuttoned my jeans quickly, pushing them and my panties down to mid-thigh to slip a hand between my legs. His fingers find my clit immediately and began rubbing against the sensitive nub. I pressed back into him as moans slipped out of my lips.
"Gonna get in trouble." I barely got out.
"Worth it." He nipped the skin. "Totally worth it."
"Gotta be fast." I bit my lower lip, pushing back against him again. "I like seeing you like this."
Even if I can't see everything that he was doing, the sound of his zipper going down sends a shiver through my spine. He rubbed the tip of his cock against my wet folds and I spread my thighs as much as I could with the jeans around my thighs. It's extra tight when he pushed inside of me and he groaned, holding tight onto my hip.
"Fuck," he swore. "You feel so goddamn good."
"If you're not fast, everyone's going to know what we're doing." I reminded him.
"Let them."
Hips snapped forward into mine and I gripped onto the sink, body tilting forward with my hips pinned. He began to move inside of me again and his fingers went straight back to my sensitive nub, quick circles paced right with the rhythm of his thrusts moving in and out of me. I can't keep quiet no matter what I was trying to do. Anyone on the other side of the door would have been able to hear both of us clearly. There was no doubt about what we were doing.
His thrusts became progressively more erratic and my grip on the sink slipped, leaning forward so that my forehead was pressed against the cold glass of the sink. With what little wiggle room I had, I moved back against him, squeezing my inner walls around him intentionally.
"Shit, shit–" I knew what he was about to say. "I'm close."
"Come on," I gave him another good squeeze inside me. "Me too."
A few more snaps are given and I feel him slide out of me, feeling the warm splatter messily against my thighs. Panting, my forehead remained against the glass to keep it cool, chest heaving.
Jackson took only a few moments to recover for himself before he fell down to his knees behind me, using his mouth and tongue to clean me up and make sure that I got a release of my own. Two fingers curled inside of me, mouth licking and sucking away loudly. Obscene sounds still took over between the ones leaving my mouth and the ones that he was making and it doesn't take long before the sound of my own orgasm fills the walls of the tiny bathroom, hips bucking against him as he let me ride out the release. My hands flattened against the counter but I stayed hunched for a bit longer.
Unable to speak, I kept myself leaned forward even as he grabbed a paper towel and made sure to clean me up properly. Once my breathing was even again, I stood back up and pulled up my panties and jeans, zipping and buttoning them. I splashed a little water on my face and dried it, trying to look less red.
"Wow." I breathed out.
"Uh-huh," he placed another kiss on the back of my neck. I could see a red spot on the side.
"I've never done anything like that before." The post-sex haze was slowing my brain down.
"I know," Jackson chuckled. "But you liked it, right?"
I nodded. "If there weren't people waiting on us out there, I would…. want to do that again very much." I pushed my hair back out of my face, smoothing it out on each side.
"We have tonight." He reminded me.
I turned around, stretching up on my toes and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "As long as you don't drink too much."
Heading back out of the bathroom first since I had left first, I kept the empty seat for Jackson between me and the others and used it as an excuse to not say anything to them directly. Hopefully, none of them had noticed that we had been gone for much longer than a typical pee break.
We stayed there long enough that Jackson made his way through the rest of his beer and half of another. Even though he was probably fine, I drive both of us home just to be safe.
The next day, things go better. Perhaps it was because Karev wasn't there during the actual daytime since I had put him on nights in the ER. Knowing that standing up for myself like that had been enough to at least get Cristina a little bit on my side was a good ego boost. Cristina and Meredith were attached at the hip like no one else in the hospital which meant that if I could get one of them on my side, then the other would find their way, too. Plus, if both of them were on my side, that means Alex would end up there once he stopped being pissed at me for putting him on nights at the ER. Reed wouldn't be that difficult. She had a tendency to just go with the flow, no matter what was going on.
A full, peaceful day of work was exactly what I needed.
"Kepner." Owen's gruff voice caught my attention and I snapped up to look at him with wide eyes, full attention shifting to him.
"Yes, Dr. Hunt?" I asked.
"I just wanted to say you did a good job today." He complimented. "I never got a chance to congratulate you on being chief resident, but I'm glad that it's you. The checklist is a good idea. It seems like it's working really well in the ER now that everyone's on the same page again."
A smile crept across my features, trying to keep it from being too large. "Thank you."
"You're becoming a very fine trauma surgeon. I'm glad that you made the cut."
"Thank you," I repeated myself with my smile growing. "That means a lot. You're a good teacher and it's really, really nice to be a level one trauma center." It was much more exciting than Mercy West had been.
It finally felt like things were where they were supposed to be.
The next two days fly by as smoothly as they could have been if you ignored the fact that there was a massive MVC in the emergency room. Of course, for me, that was a good thing. It gave me a chance to make sure that I was getting enough time inside of the ER and not caught up with the administrative aspects of being chief resident. That was what I needed.
Heading downstairs to the locker room so that I could get changed, a familiar and high-pitched voice caught my eye. I turned my head, surprised to Sydney there. She had gotten a fellowship in Oregon for minimally invasive surgery.
Weird. Not wanting to think too much about it given that I was sure that she had friends and I was pretty sure that Jackson had mentioned at one point family here in Seattle, I kept walking. It wasn't until she turned around and there was a small but clear growing bump on her abdomen that made one thing very, very clear. I stopped in my tracks as I opened stared at it. Anyone else in the world and it would have been incredibly rude – no, this probably was rude, too. But that doesn't stop me.
But my boyfriend's ex was pregnant and apparently, she had been at least a couple months. Crap.
"Oh, hi, April," Sydney said, friendly as ever.
"H–hi." The syllable barely comes out.
Rudely, I kept walking right past her, going past my original goal of the locker room to change. She was pregnant and showing. That meant that she was at least… four months, maybe. That was about the same length of time that Jackson and I had been together. It could have been less but it could have been more, too.
It could have been Jackson's baby.
Stopping suddenly in my tracks, I slammed my back into the wall and squeezed my eyes to shut, trying to stop the panic attack in its tracks. But it was there, right in the pit of my stomach. My chest was tightening painfully and I curled around myself, head dropping down and chin resting on my chest. There was no way that he knew about it. He would have told me if he knew – he had always been good and honest, and there was no way that he would lie about something that was this massive. What if that was why she was back in town? Maybe the family that she could have been here for was him instead of some random aunt or cousin.
I was going to be sick. The anxiety was literally sickening and I hurdled myself toward a waste bin to empty out my lunch into the trash can there. Getting rid of what was in my stomach doesn't quell any nausea or anxiety that continued to sit there.
Jackson needed to know. Now.
Stopping in the bathroom to rinse out of my mouth and pat my face dry again, I quickly go to the locker room and got changed. I sent him a text saying that we needed to talk and he answered quickly that he was already waiting for me by the car. It was hard not to just run down to the entrance of the hospital and look like a fool. I'm careful to keep an eye out for Sydney, not wanting to accidentally run into her again. I could not handle that right now.
He was standing by the door and looked calm as a cucumber, doing something on his phone. I stopped in my tracks as I looked at him. He was calm and relaxed, a softness in his features. And I was about to ruin that from him. I sheered to myself, swallowing the fear that made me want to run away and puke again. I hadn't had such intense anxiety like this in months, maybe years.
Straightening my spine and forcing my feet toward him, I forced a smile across my face that felt painfully awkward. There was no way that he wouldn't be able to see through it. "Hi," I uttered.
"Hey." His brows furrowed immediately. "What's wrong?"
"Outside. Or… in the car. Just not here." I jerked my head side to side.
Jackson nodded his head and took my hand, guiding me out of the hospital and toward the parking lot. The cool air hit me and it was just barely sprinkling, not enough that it was worth getting out an umbrella for. When we reached the car and got in it, I'm still not ready to say it.
"What's going on?" He repeated his question and I shook my head.
"Just drive."
By the time that we got home and he parked the car, I was still no more ready to say it than I had been at the hospital. What was there to say in the first place? It was going to be awkward and maybe a little painful say no matter what.
"Sydney's pregnant."
Without any warning or build up to the truth, I drop the bomb on him without any warning. It's inappropriate and I know it, but there was no way for me to try and build up to it with any kind of elegance. There was a possibility that it could be his, a really good one that I didn't want to face. I wanted him to have children, of course, because I wanted children too, though not right now. But I wanted his children to be mine and no one else's. I wanted his first son or daughter to be from me, for all of those important moments to happen between the two of us. If she was having his child, then they would be irrevocably attached to each other for the next eighteen years at an absolute minimum, if not the rest of their lives.
I wasn't ready for him to have another woman in his life like that. I just wasn't. I didn't think that I would ever be able to accept something like that going on. Maybe I wasn't capable of it.
"She's… pregnant?" Jackson questioned as he looked at me, mouth falling agape. "Are you sure?"
"I saw her today at the hospital," I nodded. "And she was visibly pregnant which means… I don't know. She's probably four months along, maybe five. I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I just saw her and panicked and ran away."
"Shit." He swore, running his hand over his face.
"Is it yours?" I asked.
"Don't you think that I would tell you if I knew?" He lashed out. "I don't know. I… maybe. It could be. Shit, this can't be happening, not right now. I…" Wherever he was going with his next sentence, he cut himself off and looked at me. "Get out of the car."
This time, I was looking at him like he was the crazy one. "What?"
"I need you to get out of the car. I'm going to go to her place and talk to her and see what's going on." Oh.
"Okay," I sighed, giving a little nod of my head. Grabbing my bag, I fumbled with the door handle briefly before pushing it open and getting out of the car, turning back to face him once my feet are in the pavement. "I… I love you, Jackson." I reminded him.
"I know," he wet his lips. "I love you too. Shut the door."
Instead of handing inside immediately, I stood in the sprinkling rain and watched him drive away. I stood there for a few minutes longer and let it soak me like it was raining harder than it actually was before I headed inside, kicking off my wet shoes and jacket. Wet jeans come off next and get tossed into the laundry hamper. I should get started on dinner so there would be something to eat by the time that he was home, but I couldn't bring myself to start cooking dinner. I had no interest in eating right now and I imagined that even Jackson, as hungry as he usually was, wouldn't be hungry.
Of course, not having anything to do makes the time drag by even slower. There were scheduling things to be done, a few other administrative tasks that I could do, but I can't focus on anything that I could be doing. He might be having a baby. And it wouldn't be with me.
A tear fell against my hand and indicated to me that I was crying. Hands coming up to wipe away the tears and try to keep and more from falling, I settled down on the couch and beneath one of the throw blankets without bothering to turn on the television. It seemed like he was gone a long time – or maybe I was just being impatient. I hadn't looked at the time when we had first pulled into the driveway. I didn't know how long he had been home.
But the door opened loudly as Jackson stumbled through the front door, dropping his stuff by the door and slamming it behind him. That didn't seem like a good sign.
My voice was dying for me to speak up and ask him what happened but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth no matter how badly I wanted to. I wanted to know what the answer was – but I only wanted to know if it was going to be the answer that I wanted to hear. I didn't know what the odds were. I didn't think that Jackson and Sydney had been that serious, even though I knew that they had been sleeping together. It filled me with jealousy even if I had been with Nathan at the time and it was in the past, and he had broken things off with her.
Maybe that break had been too clean. I almost wished that it had been messier if we wouldn't be here now.
"Hey." He stared at me for a long moment, kicking off his shoes.
"How did it go?" My voice was barely above a whisper and I forced myself to make eye contact with him.
"She is pregnant. Almost four months," Jackson took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "She's keeping it, too, pretty set on that. But it's not my baby. She hooked up with one of the nurses pretty quickly after the two of us broke up. It's not my baby."
I let out a huge sigh, releasing the throw pillow that I had been clutching onto. "Thank God."
"Yeah," he agreed with a nod of his head and sat down on the couch. "Yeah. I'm not ready for that. And I liked her, you know, I'm sure that she's going to be a good parent but I do not want to be in that kind of situation with her."
"Of course," I nodded my head and wet my lips. "I'm just glad that we're not going to have to deal with that. Really, really glad."
"Me too." He sighed, shifting closer to me and kissing me softly. "I'm glad you're the only woman with a permanent role in my life."
"I don't want anyone to be with you in the same way that I'm with you. I know that you've been with plenty of women in the past an that's fine, because it was the past. But... now, it's just me and you. That's all I want." I cupped his cheek, chewing at my lower lip. "I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No one else but you."
Jackson kissed me gently. "You were first love. And you're going to be my last love, too. I promise."