50 chapters! I hope everyone is enjoying this story because it is entirely possible it will go another 50!
New photos have been added to the 200 Stories Gallery. There are now 170! So be sure to go check those out. I will hopefully have all 200 up by the end of July.
This chapter contains possible trigger warnings.
Ch. 50 When did Life become this Place of Madness?
(DREW)
Owen and I bolt out the door chasing after Adam, he could have gone in any direction but instinct tells me he ran toward the school. So that's the direction we run in, I look back and see Spin and Lucas running in the other direction. It's cold and snowing, none of us bothered to put on coats but at the moment the cold doesn't bother me at all. Adam's not in shape like we are, so thankfully we catch up to him fairly easily. He's near the edge of the ravine and I tackle him, holding him in my arms we both fall on the dirt and snow.
"Let me go Drew," Adam demands trying to push me away from him but I'm much stronger.
"Go where Adam?"
"I…I don't know," he replies and his body sort of sinks inward in defeat. "Away, somewhere away…away from the pain," he replies pounding his fist into the dirt.
"You can't run from this Adam, no matter how far you run," Owen says kneeling down with us.
"What was in the letter Adam?" I ask my brother but still holding tight to him.
"She killed herself, she cheated on me and killed herself, pregnant with another guy's kid. She was cheating on me, she got pregnant and she hid it from me but you know what hurts the most? Never once in her letter did she say she loved me, she doesn't even say that she cares about me only that she couldn't face the disappointment and anger by telling us. The first and only girl I ever really loved or cared about that way and I thought she loved me but apparently I was wrong, she never even cared," Adam snarls angrily pounding his fist to the earth again.
Adam tries to pull away from me again, this time I let him go and he stands up. I wish I had kept hold him as his anger, his feelings of hurt and betrayal and whatever else he feels explode out and he punches a tree. An action he immediately regrets as he cradles his hand to his chest, turns pale and vomits at the base of the tree.
"Now you have a broken hand Buddy," Owen says patting Adam's shoulder. "Stay with him I'll go get my car so we can take him to the hospital," Owen comments.
"Clare's coming," Adam mutters before he sinks down again. He shivers a little but I'm not sure if it's the cold or the pain. I move over putting an arm around him.
"That figures, I'll call Fitz they can bring his car," Owen says walking away a few feet to get out his phone and call Fitz.
"She was angry when she wrote the letter Adam, already determined to kill herself but I know she cared about you," I try to assure my younger brother.
"If she had it would have been in her letter, contained in the last words she chose to say before leaving this world," he sighs.
I don't know what to tell him, how to comfort him. I have no idea what was in Maya's mind, not when she cheated, not when she found out she was pregnant and certainly not the moment she decided suicide was the answer. I know that I saw her with my brother, that she did care, whether she loved him or not I don't know, but she must have cared for him from what I witnessed. But in his anger, I doubt he'll be convinced of that now, and I can't explain why she says nothing of it in her letter.
"Clare, Fitz and Jeff are on their way in Fitz's car," Owen tells us walking back. "Clare's going to freak when she sees your hand," Owen comments leaning on a tree.
"I'm sure she knows I hurt it," Adam sighs. I'm starting to feel the cold and I hope they get here soon so I can get into a warm car.
Hearing a car horn we look up and see Fitz's car pull up. I help Adam up and we all get in the back seat of Fitz's car. Clare looks back when we're all in and hands us our jackets.
"Thanks," I grin putting Adam's coat over his shoulders and I get mine on. Owen grins and puts his jacket on too.
"What did you do to your hand?" She asks Adam.
"He punched a tree," I answer for him.
"I'm okay," he tries to assure her.
"You are not your hand looks like it went into a meat grinder and hurts like hell," she argues.
"I'm fine," Adam replies.
"Don't lie to me Adam, drive faster," she tells Fitz and he steps on the gas.
Fitz lets everyone out at the ER entrance, Owen and I help Adam out of the car. Jeff sticks close to my sister and we go inside, the registration nurse looks at Adam's hand and gives us some forms to fill out. Fitz comes in but Clare's already sitting between Owen and Adam so he sits next to me. We wait for about half an hour before Adam is taken back by a doctor and Clare goes with him. I text Spin to update him although I'm sure he heard we found Adam and he broke his hand already. We wait for another half hour before Clare and Adam come out from the back with a nurse.
"He'll need to keep his hand in the cast for the next three weeks and should keep it in the sling. He broke a couple of the proximal phalanges, finger bones, and fractured several other bones including two of the smaller bones in his hand. He's lucky though he didn't need surgery or wires to set the bones. Here's a prescription for pain medication, he'll need it tonight I'm sure and probably tomorrow. If he doesn't want to take the strong stuff any OTC pain reliever will be fine as long as it's not taken within four hours of the prescription. He should follow up in three weeks," the nurse says handing everything to Owen. Either because he looks like the oldest or because she thinks Owen looks like Adam's brother, although Fitz looks more like Adam then Owen does.
"Thanks, we'll take care of him," Owen nods.
"Let's go home," Clare says linking her arm with Adam's and we all follow Fitz out to his car.
Clare seems to refuse to let go of Adam so he sits in the front with her and Fitz while Jeff is forced to sit in back with Owen and me. We're all silent on the way back although knowing my sibs the way I do it worries me that Clare keeps looking at Adam the way she does. We do make a brief stop at the pharmacy and I get his prescription filled. Clare takes the bag from me when I get back in the car. When Fitz parks outside the house I notice there's a lot less cars, except for Owen's, Johnny's and Sean's everyone else seems to be gone. Clare walks in still with her arm linked through Adam's, as soon as they're inside Spinner hugs Adam tightly, as soon as Spin lets go of him Paige hugs him tightly. Bianca comes over and embraces me while greeting me with a tender kiss, before hugging Adam tightly.
"Come on Adam," Clare says pulling Adam down to her room and they close the door.
"I should probably get home," Jeff comments rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably.
"Yeah, we should get home," Samantha agrees coming out of the kitchen with Johnny.
"I'll see you guys tomorrow," Johnny waves.
Samantha and Jeff wave and the three of them leave. Owen, Tris, Sean and Emma are all still here but I'm sure they're staying the night.
"I offered for Lisa, K.C. and Jenna to stay the night but they wanted to go home. Lucas and Mia went with them. They'll be doing the autopsy sometime tomorrow and Lisa wants to have the funeral tomorrow to avoid media. A small service with just those of us who knew Maya well. I'll tell Adam tomorrow, he may not want to go," Spinner informs us.
"Yeah after the letter I'm not sure he will, I don't know that he's ready to say goodbye," I nod.
"We should all get to bed, it's been a long day," Bianca comments.
"I'm going to check on Clare and Adam," I tell Bianca kissing her cheek before I walk back to Clare's room.
I hear sobbing and I knock lightly, Clare calls to come in. I peek in to see Adam being cradled by Clare as he sobs. I wish I could take his pain but I can't and being with the only person who knows him so well he doesn't need to talk is probably best. I give them both a compassionate smile before leaving her room.
"How are they?" Bianca asks when I go into our room.
"I'm not sure, after what was in the letter I don't think Adam will be okay for a long while."
(CLARE)
After crying himself to sleep in my arms Adam woke a few short hours later from a disturbing dream. He wouldn't talk about Maya but he didn't need to I knew why he was upset. We stayed awake most of the night, not saying anything but we don't need to, we know each other too well. I was worried about Adam; Maya's suicide was affecting him in more ways than her loss. Whether it was Maya's intention or not, taking her own life at her hand was a decision that would have repercussions I couldn't even begin to fathom.
We spent the early morning hours sitting on my bed and waiting for sunrise. When the sun does rise Spinner peeks in, seeing we're both awake he comes in. Sitting on my bed he looks at Adam, giving him a sympathetic smile and placing his hand on Adam's back.
"Lisa is having a funeral for Maya, out of the public with just us. Everyone will understand if you feel you can't come," Spin tells us and we both look at Adam.
He's silent for a moment, wiping a few stray tears from his cheeks with his good hand. After a deep breath he looks at me and I nod.
"I'll go," Adam whispers.
"It's not until eleven you two should try getting some more sleep," Spin says before leaving my room.
"I know you can't sleep do you want to shower?" I ask Adam but he shakes his head and lies down on my bed.
I lie down with Adam also unable to sleep, my mind wanders, thinking of Maya and Adam first, their relationship and love seemed so strong and pure. Maya's suicide and her letter send it all into question, did she ever love him the way he loved her? As I replay every moment I can think of with the two of them together it's thrown into doubt. I know without question Adam did love Maya, was in love with her but I don't think Maya was ever able to return those feelings. The more I think about it the more I'm sure that Adam, though she did care about him, was a safety net more than anything else to her. She knew his feelings, she knew K.C. wouldn't object, and though she couldn't return his affections as strongly she knew she cared for him and could be happy.
I have to wonder when she decided she wasn't happy, or that she wanted more than Adam? Why did she cheat instead of talk to him? Why did she do things to cause everyone around her so much pain? Why did she self-destruct so thoroughly and so quickly? If she had talked to Adam would she still be alive?
"You have to do it Clare, don't let questions go unanswered or you could end up as unhappy as Maya and destruct too," Adam advises as he sits up. "I'm going to shower and change for the funeral," Adam says and then looks at his cast. "On second thought, I'll just clean up a little and then someone can help me get dressed."
Adam leaves my room for the washroom and I get up going to the kitchen. I'm not hungry but I get some juice, I feel a little light-headed from a lot of worrying and not much sleep. Seems like everyone is awake and that no one slept very much. Mark comes out of Adam's room, he must have slept in there because Adam was in my room. He comes over and hugs me tightly, I lie my head on his chest.
"I should help Adam get dressed, and get dressed myself," I tell Mark stepping away from him after a moment.
"We're going home to change, we'll be back in a bit," Sean says coming into the kitchen.
"I'll see you in a bit, hug Adam for me," Mark says.
"I will," I smile standing on my tiptoes to give him a chaste kiss.
I find Adam in his room and help him get dressed including his chest binding. He can't wear a long sleeve with his cast so he wears a dark blue short-sleeve button up. I help him get a winter coat over it, he goes out to the living room and I go into my room to get dressed. No one dresses in all black, I put on a navy knee length skirt with a white blouse and navy sweater. When I'm dressed and come out to the living room Adam is on the sofa with Drew and Paige. Slowly everyone else gathers at our house, it's just a service for those of us that grew up together, our original group. Lisa, K.C. and Jenna are the last to arrive, like the rest of us they look like they didn't sleep at all. The three of them drive over in Spinner's car with him and Paige. Adam, Mark and I go with Bianca and Drew in his car, Owen, Johnny, Lucas and Tris go over in Owen's car. Jay rides over with Lucas, Mia, Sean and Emma.
We're having the service at the school in the music room. It's Sunday so no one is there and Simpson is here to open the school for us. There's also no body or ashes and no burial today because Maya is being autopsied today, not that a cremation would have happened so fast or that a body or casket would be allowed in the school. Lisa just wanted a service for those of us closest to Maya away from any media, people asking questions or making assumptions. Friday after school there will be a public memorial. Apparently even last night, some media outlets were calling the Guthrie family to talk to them and Lisa threw her phone out the window.
We enter the music room and there's a few chairs set up in a half-circle, in two rows. Everyone sits down, Adam sits in the second row near the door so I take the seat next to him. Lisa, K.C. and Jenna sit in the center of the front row, Spinner and Paige on one side and Emma next to Sean on the other. The only one not sitting is Jay, he stands at the conductor's podium where there's a framed picture of Maya, it's her school picture from this year, but it was short notice.
"Lisa asked me to speak today, both because of my friendship with Maya and because not too long ago I was in the same place. I was dealt a devastating blow, thought my life was over and it would never get better, that I had no way out. I don't know exactly what went through Maya's mind in that moment she decided suicide was the only answer but I can guess. She felt alone, she felt hopeless and felt that the only solution was a final one. When I was at my lowest everyone rallied around me, showed me support and we all would have done the same for Maya but no one had any idea she was at such a low point. Why she didn't say anything, why she didn't ask for help or talk to any of us I have no idea. We shouldn't focus on trying to guess her reasons or wondering if we could have stopped her because none of that could bring Maya back. We must remember what we loved about her, the good qualities and the bad that made her who she was. I remember a sprite of a girl, a talented musician with sass, and sometimes too much attitude," Jay says and a few of us chuckle. "Maya will be missed, her music, her laugh, all taken with her but she lives on in our memories and our hearts," Jay finishes lighting the candle by Maya's picture.
When we come out of the music room Simpson is waiting.
"There will be a memorial set for Maya outside the music room. I'll announce tomorrow that students and faculty can leave cards and flowers for her," Simpson tells Lisa, and K.C. and Jenna as they are standing together.
"Thank you Mr. Simpson," Lisa says attempting to smile but it doesn't work.
"I'll understand if any of you, that still go here, can't make it to school tomorrow," Simpson tells us.
By the look on Adam's face I know he won't be at school tomorrow. I feel like I should stay home with him but tomorrow is also the first day I'm let back at school for full days. Since his tears dried Adam has just had a blank look on his face. I'm very worried about my twin right now.
"Thanks Mr. S," K.C. nods.
"Everyone back to our house for some food, I just need to stop at The Dot first," Spinner tells us.
"Can I walk home?" Adam requests.
"I'm going with you," I assert.
"Clare, you shouldn't you st…"
"I'm not letting him go alone," I assert cutting Spinner off.
"I'll walk back with Adam," Jay offers.
"Alright we'll see you back at the house," Spinner nods.
"If you're not at the house in half an hour I'm going to come looking for you," I tell Adam hugging him before I leave with the others.
I ride back with Drew, Bianca and Mark. Except for Spin and Paige who are stopping by The Dot, and Jay and Adam who are walking, the rest of us arrive at the house at the same time. Everyone goes into the living room and sits on the sofa, chairs from the kitchen or the floor. Everyone is silent until Spin comes with food, no one eats very much, no one talks much either except to share an occasional story about Maya. Just as I'm beginning to get truly worried about Adam he and Jay come through the door. Adam stays in the living room with us for a while but when people start talking more about Maya Adam says he's tired and goes into his room so I follow him in.
"I'm okay, just didn't feel like sharing stories of Maya," Adam says.
"You're not okay and I'm staying with you, I don't need to go to school tomorrow," I reply.
"Clare it's your first full day back, I promise not to run or do anything stupid. You know you should go to school," Adam argues.
"No, I know how you're feeling and I know what's on your mind I'm not leaving you Adam," I assert.
"Now you know how I feel every time you disappear or something because your emotions are in crisis."
"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again but I'm not leaving you tonight or tomorrow," I tell him firmly.
"You know that's not a promise you can keep and I don't want you to babysit me out of fear. I won't lie I'm feeling hurt and betrayed and sad and about a hundred other things I can't put my finger on just now but I'm not going to run. I'm not going to hurt myself either, I just need some time. It's been a lot these last few weeks, you died and I wouldn't leave you and Maya cheated, I think I pushed her into it," he sighs and my chest tightens with guilt.
"Adam, it was her choice and you were worried about me, I didn't mean to worry everyone so much I didn't think I was so hurt," I apologize meekly.
"I know. And maybe it was inevitable with Maya but I need a few days to myself and if you stay here with me afraid to leave my side it's not going to help either of us. You can't be with me to avoid talking to Fitz either, you have your own thinking to do. Jay's sleeping over and he'll sleep on my floor, I won't be alone Sis and I promise not to run and worry you again," Adam tries to assure me but I just feel swallowed by apprehension and worry. I begin chewing on my bottom lip and Adam pulls it from my teeth. "Clare stop, it's not your fault. And I love you but if you're here hovering over me because you're worried and feeling guilty it's not going to help. I just need some time. Maya's not here anymore I can't talk to her but I need to work some things out for myself. Go be with Fitz, you need to talk to him, or at least go hang out with everyone."
"Just don't run again, you had me really worried Adam."
"I know and I'm sorry. With the pain of my broken hand I promise not to do anything like that again."
I still don't want to leave his side, I'm very worried about him, but I also know he needs space to work some things out for himself. And I know if he tries to run or something again I'll know. Reluctantly I kiss Adam's cheek and leave his room. I pause in the hallway for a moment but everyone in the living room is still talking about Maya and I'm not in the mood just now so I go to my room. Lying on my bed I close my eyes, I begin thinking about Mark and me, but exhaustion over takes me and before I know it I fall asleep. It's not a peaceful sleep, I descend into a disturbing dream and wake with a gasp and tears racing down my cheeks.
"It's okay," Mark whispers encircling his arms around me and I lie my head on his chest as I sob. He holds me and strokes my back until the tears stop.
"What time is it?" I ask him wiping my eyes.
He reaches around me to get his phone and click it to see the time, "Just after three. I came in around ten and found you asleep."
"I was exhausted, it's been a long few days and I'm worried about Adam."
"He's fine, asleep in his room and Jay's with him," Mark assures me and I nod.
"I don't think I can sleep, I'm going to go shower. I need to clear my head," I tell Mark getting out of his arms.
"Ok," Mark nods kissing my shoulder as I get up.
The rest of the house seems to be asleep, I go into the washroom and turn on the shower. I spend a while under the warm water, clearing my head, it does help and by the time the water begins to turn cold my head is pretty clear. I know what I need to do, but that's not going to make it any easier to do.
When I return to my room Mark is asleep again. I lie down with him but I can't sleep and I just lie there thinking the rest of the night. I get up early and go out to the kitchen to start the coffee but I'm not really hungry. Owen and Tris are asleep in our living room but I don't wake them up, they can sleep through anything.
"You're up early," Spinner comments when he comes out to the kitchen.
"Couldn't sleep," I reply.
"Yeah, I can tell," Spinner says looking at my eyes. "You can stay home today," Spinner offers.
"No, if I stay home I'm going to drive Adam crazy. Anyway, there's something I need to do today," I tell him.
"I'm leaving to open The Dot in ten, I can wait for you," Spinner offers.
"I'll be ready in fifteen," I tell him. Going back to my room I try to get clothes quietly but Mark wakes up when I open my dresser. "Sorry I couldn't sleep, I'm going with Spin. I'll see you at school," I tell him grabbing my clothes.
"Are you sure? I can come with you," Mark yawns.
"No, you sleep, you have a couple more hours I'll see you at school," I reply kissing his cheek.
I grab my backpack and take my clothes into the washroom, getting dressed fast, I put my hair into a ponytail so I don't have to brush it. Hiding the dark circles under my eyes with makeup. I meet Spin in the kitchen and ride with him to The Dot. He gives me hot chocolate and I help him with some opening duties. Despite having clearance by the doctor to resume normal activity Spin still doesn't let me do much. I sip at coffee and hot chocolate for almost two hours as I go over and over in my mind what I'll say to Mark. I change what I'm going to say at least two dozen times but when he shows up with Owen, Tris, Drew and Bianca not a single word comes from my mouth. They grab coffee and breakfast and I go with them to school.
"What's on your mind? I may not know you like Adam but I know there's more on your mind than Maya," Mark comments.
"It's just…I…didn't sleep well," I reply. I know I need to talk to him but I can't seem to get the words out. "I'm gonna call Adam and see how he's doing, I'll see you at lunch okay?" I tell Mark before kissing his cheek and turning around quickly.
"I'm okay, Jay and I are just heading to breakfast. I told him I wasn't hungry but he's forcing me to eat," Adam tells me.
"Good, you need to eat. I'll be home right after school."
"Jay will stay with me all day and Spin will be home at one. Don't worry Clare," Adam tries to assure me.
"I know you too well not to be worried Adam. I'll see you after school."
We say goodbye and I hang up but there's still twenty minutes before classes start. Hoping to avoid Mark, Jeff and even my brother I go to the one place they can't, the girl's washroom.
"Hi Clare," Anya smiles when I come in, "how's Adam? Is he here today?"
"No, he stayed home, so did K.C. and Jenna. Adam is…he says he's okay."
"You don't sound like you think so," Anya replies.
"Maya left a…" I'm telling her when the door opens and more girls come in.
"I heard trans-boy dissed her when Clare was in the h…" one of the girls is saying but they stop when they see me. There's three of them, all in grade eleven and two are cheerleaders.
"Come on," Anya says taking my hand and pulling me out of the washroom. "Some people can be so rude," she huffs as we walk to the stairs to the second level and sit under them. "I know Adam must be taking it hard," Anya says as we sit down.
"Yes, very hard. Maya left a suicide note of sorts addressed specifically to him. She told him she cheated and was pregnant, she didn't say by whom or name any names. Mostly it was her saying how big of a mess she made in her life, how she hadn't been happy in a long time. Worst of all for Adam she didn't say she loved him only that she was sorry. It's hitting Adam hard because he was very in love with her. He also feels guilty, feels that he pushed her to cheat while he was sitting vigilant at my hospital bedside," I admit to Anya.
"That's ridiculous, he was super worried about you," Anya says in my brother's defense and I smile at her. "I thought I might go and see him after school, but I don't want to intrude."
"No, you can come home with me after school if you want. It wouldn't be intruding and it would be good for Adam to talk with someone outside of our immediate circle," I tell her and she smiles.
"I know he's hurting now but it will get better. Maya was his first girlfriend, right?"
"Yeah first and only, in some ways I don't think Adam ever thought any other girl would like him, not the way he is."
"That's not true, Adam is a great guy and once you get to know him you don't even remember he wasn't always a guy. I don't, I mean not until someone reminds me."
"He needs to hear that too," I tell her. I'm about to ask her if she really does like him when I'm interrupted by my brother, just not the one we've been talking about.
"There you are, Fitz said you ran off. He thought you might have gone home to be with Adam," Drew says.
"I promised Adam I wouldn't I just wanted to check on him, and I didn't run off," I argue even though I did.
"Uh-huh, I know it's your first full day back but Spin says not to push yourself and go home if you feel you need to. Any of us can take you. Don't forget I have basketball tryouts after school," Drew comments.
"I know and physically I feel fine," I say to Drew before looking at Anya. "Meet me on the steps after school," I tell her before looking back at Drew. "I'll see you at lunch," I say to Drew. I get up and begin walking to class but he catches my arm.
"Homeroom was cancelled, there's an assembly to talk about Maya," he informs me.
"Oh," is all I can say.
The homeroom bell rings and as soon as it stops Principal Simpson comes over the P.A. announcing that all students and faculty are to go to the auditorium for an emergency assembly. Keeping hold of my arm Drew walks with me to the auditorium and Anya follows us in. Drew sits next to Bianca and Mark sits on the other side of me. Anya sits behind us, Principal Simpson, Miss Sauvé, Officer Turner and a man I've never seen before are on stage. When everyone is finally seated Principal Simpson begins speaking.
"As some of you already know a student at this school cut her own life short this weekend. Maya Matlin was a musically gifted student and her presence at DeGrassi will be missed. There is a temporary memorial for her outside of the music room, students are welcome to and encouraged to leave flowers, cards, pictures and anything else expressing their thoughts and grief. Anything placed there that is inappropriate or rude will be tossed and the student immediately suspended. If you would like to talk about this Miss Sauvé and a grief counselor will be available all week. Sign up outside of Miss Sauvé's office. A private service has already been held however, for those who would like to pay their respects, a public service will be held at Riverdale Cemetery Friday evening. Information is posted outside the main office. Please respect the privacy of Maya's family and her friends, if you have questions or need to talk the faculty is available including myself. I know a lot of you have questions, some of you have probably heard rumors. And though most of it has been kept from the media an official statement was released this morning, which some of you may have read. Right now, I'm going to turn things over to Officer Turner and our guest grief counselor for the week, Greg Peters."
The grief counselor begins talking, he starts off by talking about teen suicides. Then he begins talking about Maya specifically. He doesn't give any reasons to why she committed suicide, I'm not even sure anyone knows that didn't read her letter or wasn't told by one of us who did. As far as I know Maya only left a note for Adam and no one else. The grief counselor is talking about Maya feeling lost and making a decision she couldn't take back. I was doing okay until this point, Maya's suicide was sad but I hadn't really cried, maybe it just hadn't hit me yet. Maybe I just had been so worried about Adam, and in my own torment over Mark and Jeff. If I haven't let it hit me until now then it slams me like a truck at full speed into a brick wall. I start shaking and my eyes flood with tears.
"Clare?" Drew whispers in a worried voice.
"I don't feel so good, I don't want to be here," I whisper back.
Drew stands up and pulls me with him. He puts his arm around me and we leave the auditorium. I barely make it out to the hall before I break down, turning to Drew I let the tears flow against his chest, they roll down his DeGrassi Football jacket and he holds me tightly. He says nothing, just holds me and I feel others around us, I'm sure that at least Mark and Bianca followed us out. I feel Mark's hand at my back, Bianca is stroking my hair. I'm not sure how long I cry, but when I finally pick my head up and wipe what's left of my tears the assembly is finished and kids are mulling through the halls.
"Do you want to go home?" Mark asks.
"No, I'll be okay, I guess it all just hit me at once. I'm going to freshen up in the washroom before second period," I tell them.
"I'll go with her," Bianca says putting an arm around my shoulders. We go to the second story washroom because it's quieter. I splash some water on my face and take a few moments before walking to my second period science class. "Stay here I'll grab you a water bottle, you cried a lot. If you need to go home, or hang at The Dot for the rest of the day it's totally fine," Bianca tells me as I sit at my desk and I nod.
Bianca returns with a water bottle for me and Mr. Bettenkamp says nothing, actually he gives me a box of tissues, I must still look like I'm crying. Dave, Wes, J.T. and Connor all walk in together and all give me the same sympathetic look. While I did say I wanted to stay at school, and I'm stubbornly determined to stick it out, I pay absolutely no attention in science. After class, I ask Mr. Bettenkamp what happened in class, he just gives me a sympathetic look and tells me what to read and what the homework was. Since I stayed after class I'm late to lunch and they all give me the same worried look.
"I spaced out in class and had to ask Mr. Bettenkamp what we did," I explain.
"You sure you want to stick around for the afternoon?" Drew asks.
"I'm sure," I nod while he hands me my lunch.
Lunch is fairly silent, I don't eat very much but none of us do. We do stay together until the bell rings. After visiting our lockers Drew, Mark and I walk to drama. In light of the sadness of the day Miss Dawes gives us a break by playing a movie. It's a nice break and I spend it sitting between Drew and Eli while rehearsing in my head, for about the hundredth time, what I'm going to say to Mark. After drama Mark walks me to fourth period. I don't pay attention in this class either, but Wes says he'll e-mail me the notes and the homework later. When I get to my locker Mark is there waiting for me, I was sure he would be and I know I have to do this now.
"Come with me," I tell him taking his hand. He comes with me without question, I pull him to the most private place I can think of, the storage and prop room. I close the door and pull him into the back where the sofa is. "I…we…" I stumble over my words, turn my back to him and take a deep breath before beginning again. "A lot has happened in the last few weeks Mark. Everything has changed and changed again, Riley will never be the same, Maya took her own life after cheating on Adam, and I died, for a few minutes but still," I take another deep breath and turn back to him taking his hands. "I love you Mark, deeply and you know that, and that I care about you deeply. I don't want to hurt you, I would do anything not to hurt you but…"
Mark interrupts me by giving me a quick but impassioned kiss, "I know and I knew this was coming. You have feelings for Jeff, and you want to know how deep they go."
"If I don't then I'll always wonder and that's not fair to any of us. I know better than anyone we don't know how long we have in this life. After what Adam went through with Maya I have to give me and Jeff a chance, I can't always be wondering. It doesn't change my feelings for you Mark," I tell him as a few tears slip from my eyes.
"My feelings haven't changed either, I still love you and I always will. And if Jeff ever hurts you or breaks your heart I'll be there," he tells me. He gently tips my chin up and gives me a tender kiss. He turns away fast but I see tears flooding his eyes. He leaves quickly before he lets me see him cry, practically running from the room.
I sink down against the back of the sofa, now that I've finally done it I don't really feel any better. I still feel heavy, a pain my chest, knots in my stomach but that could also be over Maya, or be about Adam. After a moment to breathe I leave the room and go out to the front steps where Anya is waiting.
"I was starting to think you'd gone without me but Bianca said Fitz's car was still here and she was sure you'd go home with him," Anya says.
"Yeah, sorry there was something I needed to do. Mark and I broke up," I tell her.
"Oh, because of Jeff?" She asks and I nod. "Sorry about you and Fitz, but Jeff will be happy. Uh why don't we take his car, I have the key and it's a little cold to walk."
"Are you sure he won't mind?"
"I'll text him and let him know we have it. I can pick him up when he's done or Owen can drop him at your place," Anya says.
I nod and we start walking to Jeff's car, Anya sends him a quick text before she begins driving us to my place. I just hope Adam is up for visitors.
Update soon picking up from around here and including the following day and maybe Maya's public service. Next updated will be Hold Me Now & Don't Let Go.