Mothers Chapter 20

Those Left Behind

Faith's POV

So this is it. Here we are.

I glance over at B next to me as we stand over the grave. I stare at the headstone, Joyce's headstone.

'Joyce Summers

April 17th, 1958- March 26th, 2002

Incredible Mother, Brilliant Woman, Beloved Friend

She meant the world to us'

I can't believe she's gone. Joyce was such an incredible woman. She was loving and honest and tried to help where she could. She accepted people for who they are and loved them anyway. She took me into her home and treated me like her own. I felt like her daughter.

I look at Buffy next to me as she stares motionlessly at her mother's grave.

This has to be hell for her. Losing her mother the way she did, knowing that there wasn't any way she could stop it. Her own mother is gone. I know what that's like. She hasn't said much of anything since it happened. A few 'sure's, a couple 'okay's but beyond that she's said nothing. She's been all but catatonic. It's been at least a week since it happened, and still that's all anyone can get out of her. Not that we would try and force her to talk when she doesn't want to.

I can't really blame her. She's gone through a lot in the last while. I know a lot of it is my fault. I killed our daughter, and that devastated her. It hurt me too, but Buffy took it especially hard. I could hear the pain in her voice when she yelled at me and I saw it in her eyes when she looked at me. Now to lose her mom on top of that, I'm surprised she's even standing with what she is going through.

She lets out a deep sigh that ends in a sniffle.

I'm going to help her with that though. She needs someone to help her, I know that. She needs someone to be there for her when she cries. There haven't been any tears since that 20 minute period after it happened, but I know B well enough to know that it'll come. And I'll be there for her when it does.

I turn my head and watch her as she stands frozen in the same place she's been since the funeral began.

She hasn't moved an inch. The most she's done is shift her weight for the last few hours. Last time she moved, the sun was still up in the sky. Now the moon is in the sky and the stars are out. I want to do something for her. I wanna make things better for her somehow, but I'm not really sure what.

I take a deep breath and look at the graves in front of us.

Two Summers women laid to rest next to each other. Dawn and Joyce, two people we both love so much. Two people who died long before they should. And we're the ones they left behind. I cried for them at the funeral so many hours ago. I don't know that I could cry anymore, not for a while anyway. Now all I wanna do is help Buffy in some way.

"I'm alone..."

I look to Buffy, who's still staring at her family graves.

"What?"

She takes a long deep breath, a hint of a sob behind it.

"I'm all alone..."

She falls to her knees and the sobs really start and tears roll down her cheeks.

"They're gone."

I kneel down next to her and I can't stand to see her like this.

"I'm all alone, I don't have anyone left."

I reach out and put my hand on hers as it rests on her knee.

"That's not true..."

She turns her head to look at me, eyes red and filled with tears.

"It's not?"

I take her hand in both of mine and squeeze it. I shake my head gently.

"No... you have me."

There's a long moment of silence between us as she stares deep into my eyes through her tears.

"Help me?"

I hold back from crying at the pain in her soul that I can see in her eyes.

"Oh god, please... help me?"

She leans into me and wraps her arms around my neck. After a moment I put my own around her mid-section.

"It'll be all right B..."

She buries her face into my shoulder and lets the tears come. I hold her a little tighter as we sit here in the cemetery next to our family, buried in the ground.

"I can't do this. I can't live like this."

"You can, I know you can B."

"I can't, it... it hurts so bad."

She pulls me to her more, trying desperately to find some sort of comfort in me.

"My whole family is gone. I don't know what to do. It won't stop hurting."

"I know B, I know. You'll find a way to get through it. It might not feel that way now, but it will. I know it will."

She pulls away from me and our eyes meet. Her wrists are hanging off my shoulders, arms bent at the elbow between us. I rest my hands against her sides.

"How?"

I pull my hand off her side and wipe away the tears on her cheek.

"It's hard, I know because I went through it myself a long time ago. It'll take a lot of time, but it will get better. I promise."

She sniffles and her eyes drift down to my lips for a split second.

"I... I don't know if I can."

"You can, and I'm going to be here for you through it all."

There's a silence between us. She leans in and our lips press together as she kisses me. Our kiss slowly deepens as we get lost in the moment. Her hand slides up my shoulders to the back of my neck, pushing our lips together more. Her tongue forces its way into my mouth and I'm suddenly snapped back to reality.

We can't do this.

After a moment I reach up and grab her wrists, taking her hand off my head before I pull away.

"Buffy..."

She stares at me, the pain and confusion still in her eyes.

"We can't do this..."

Her face flashes with pain and she nearly breaks out into tears again. I put my hand to the side of her face gently.

"I know it feels good B. I know that it would make us both feel something other than the pain we're both in right now."

She leans forward to kiss me again, I stop her.

"But it's not what you need right now, and it's not what I need either."

B pulls back and sits on her calves. I do the same.

"And we both know it's not what either of us wants, not really."

She breathes deep, the hint of a pain-filled shiver behind it.

"I just wanna make the pain stop."

I try for a smile even though I don't feel it.

"It will, B, I promise. It will take a lot of time. It won't happen all at once, but it will happen, and I'll be here for you through it all... but not like that."

I take her hand again. She looks down at our hands. We sit there in silence together for a long time.

"How about I take you home?"

Our eyes meet and she nods at me.

"Okay..."

I stand up slowly and help her up. I put my arm around her shoulders as we leave the graveyard.

Things will get better, I don't know how or when, but they will. They have to.

End of Chapter 20