Once again as we're still dealing with Maya's suicide this chapter it does contain possible trigger warnings.

This chapter is also a bit on the long side so get comfortable.

Ch. 51 When all the Colors Have Faded to Gray

(CLARE)

"I'm home," I call into the house as I come in. I don't see Adam or Jay but Spinner comes out of the kitchen.

"They're in Adam's room, they were out for most of the day," Spinner says hugging me tightly. "Hey Anya," Spinner smiles at her.

"Hi Spinner, I hope it's okay that I'm here I wanted to see how Adam was doing," she explains.

"Yeah, that's good. Adam needs all the friends he has right now, needs to know we all care about him and he's not alone in this," Spin sighs with worry putting his head down a moment before looking up. "Where's Fitz?" Spinner asks.

"We broke up," I inform my oldest brother.

"Oh. I did wonder if that was coming," he replies and looks like he was going to say something but changes his mind. "You should go back and see Adam. I'm just getting started on dinner. I'm making Adam's favorite lasagna so hopefully he'll eat," Spinner tells us and kisses my forehead before going back to the kitchen.

I start walking back to Adam's room and Anya follows me. I hear Jay and Adam talking so I knock softly.

"You can come in Clare," Adam calls. Anya gasps slightly because he knew it was me without me saying anything.

"Anya wanted to come see how you were. She brought me home, since I broke up with Mark," I tell Adam.

"Hi Anya," Adam greets but can't manage a smile.

"I think I'll go see if Spin needs any help with dinner," Jay comments getting off of Adam's bed. He messes my hair as he walks past me to leave the room.

"Clare told me about the note Maya left, I can only imagine how much you're hurting," Anya says walking over and sitting on Adam's bed. She doesn't sit too close to him though and he doesn't move. I on the other hand sit right next to my twin, looking at him with worried eyes. "What Maya did is just awful, more than taking her life she left you a crushing letter. I don't know what you're going through and I'm not even going to pretend to imagine, I've never known anyone who committed suicide. Well until Maya, but if you need someone else to talk to I'll listen. I think you're a really great guy Adam, sweet and sensitive, caring and nurturing, really smart too. I really admired the way you stayed by Clare's side the whole time she was in the hospital."

Anya finishes talking and Adam is still staring at his wall blankly. When Adam doesn't say anything and Anya is looking nervous because of the silence, I touch Adam's arm. He snaps out of it and looks at her.

"Thanks Anya, I appreciate it. Truth is right now I'm sort of just numb. I still don't understand why she did it. I thought she loved me, I mean really loved me not just as a friend. Her suicide, her note, the fact that she cheated, now I'm questioning everything she ever said to me, all our time together did it mean anything to her?"

"Of course, it did Adam. I don't know what Maya was thinking or why she cheated but you did mean a lot to her," I reaffirm to my twin.

"As a friend I'm sure, the way Jay means a lot to me or Johnny but was she just with me because I was safe? Because she knew K.C. wouldn't object? She cheated, she had sex and got pregnant by another guy. She didn't even talk to me I just don't think I ever meant to her what she meant to me," Adam sighs.

Anya looks at me but I have no answers, I'm not sure any of us really knew Maya very well. We all thought we did but her suicide, her cheating it was a severe shock to all of us. Were we all that blind to who she really was or did she hide it all so well from us?

She didn't exactly rebel the way I did, she didn't have someone to talk to and confess to the way I have Adam and he has me. She kept to herself in a lot of ways and had her music I guess. I know she tried not to cause trouble for her mom, maybe she felt Jenna and the baby were so much of a burden on K.C. and her mom that she couldn't add to it? That's only conjecture, I really have no idea what was in Maya's heart or her mind. I don't think anyone did, probably not even Maya. I can feel how much Adam is hurting though so I attempt to change the subject, at least a little.

"How's your hand?"

"Oh, Adam what happened to your hand?" Anya exclaims. He did have it in the sling and the cast isn't very visible but I'm surprised she hasn't seen it until now.

"I broke it punching a tree, after reading Maya's note. It's numb like the rest of me," he replies and then seems to decide to get the focus of conversation off of him. "So, you broke up with Fitz finally?"

"Yes, part of me still didn't want to but he knew it was coming. He said he understood and his feelings hadn't changed but he realizes I need to know what I have with Jeff."

"So, when are you going to tell Jeff?" Adam asks.

"Anya drove us here in his car, he'll come get it and her and I'll talk to him then. Owen will probably drive him over, Anya sent Jeff a text when we left school and they were at practice. Did you eat much today? What did you do with Jay?" I inquire because I don't feel much like talking about me and Jeff or me and Fitz.

Adam says he ate and then says he and Jay walked and talked a lot and that was pretty much it. Spinner came home at one and made Adam take his pain meds. When we fall silent again Anya starts talking about school and then about music. Drew and Bianca come home and come in to check on Adam, they're still in here talking when we hear another car pull up. A few minutes later Jeff comes in the room with Owen.

"Hey Adam, how you feeling?" Jeff asks him and Adam shrugs in response.

"I need to speak with you in my room a moment," I tell Jeff getting up from Adam's bed.

"Okay," he says slowly, he sounds a little worried. I take his hand and pull him into my room closing the door. "What's going on? Where's Fitz?"

"Probably at home, we broke up."

"You did? So, then…us?" He questions without making a sentence, actually he hardly made words.

"I told Mark I needed to know what you and I have and he understood, he knew it was coming," I tell Jeff as I hop up on my desk sitting on it.

"Then why don't you sound like you want to be with me?" Jeff asks with a hurt tone and I bite my lip. I really was trying not to sound as morose as I feel. I guess I didn't succeed. He walks over standing in front of me but not touching me.

"I do, it's not that but…"

"Is it Adam? What happened to Maya?" Jeff questions rapidly before I can answer.

"Yes, and more. There's been a lot the last few weeks, I was in the hospital, now Maya's death and Adam isn't doing well. I told Mark with everything that's gone on I didn't want to wait to see what we have and I don't. I do want to be with you but it's a hard time right now, there's a lot going on in my life, with my family, with me. I want to be with you, I want to know what we have but I also still love Mark and that's not going to change. Even though he understood I feel bad for hurting him, I need to take care of Adam right now a…" I'm cut off when Jeff gently presses his lips to mine. He pulls away after a moment, brushing a curl behind my ear, his other hand leans on the desk next to my leg. He's leaning down now and our eyes are locked together.

"If you're telling me to be patient I can wait still," he says.

"Yes, in a way I need you to be patient but I do want to be with you now. If I didn't want to be with you now I wouldn't have broken up with Mark yet. I need you to understand that Adam needs me right now and I will be there for him even if you and I had plans or are in the middle of a date. And I'm not really sure how I'm handling things because I've been so caught up with me and Mark, and me and you, and being there for Adam that I'm not sure I've even processed it all. I broke down today at the assembly. I still have to take it easy for a while too, still healing," I remark pulling my shirt up a little so he can see the incision that's turning into a scar.

"No sex for now, Adam comes before everyone and you might randomly breakdown," Jeff summarizes.

"Yeah, that's basically it," I smile.

"The sex is great but it's not why I like you, not even close. If you breakdown I'll hold you, or take you somewhere so you can scream. If you need to go because Adam needs you I'll understand."

"Not just Adam, we're a very tight group. If something happens with one of my other brothers, or Paige, or Bianca, Jay, Owen, Lu…"

"I know Clare," Jeff interrupts me before I name everyone in the group. "I may not have grown up around it but I know. I've been with you enough, heard about it all from you, observed it for myself that I know. If something happens to someone in the group and you need to break plans I'll understand, I'll even drive you. I want to be with you, I always have and I know you love Fitz, and I know your family and group of friends come first, and if you haven't processed Maya's death then let me help you. What's important to me is the answer to one question."

"What?"

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes," I smile. Jeff grins wide and cups my chin drawing our lips together for a tender kiss, our lips stay together until there's a knock on my door. I call to come in and Spinner opens the door poking his head in.

"Dinner's ready, I'm forcing Adam to eat, there's plenty of food if you and Anya want to stay Jeff."

"Yeah, thanks Spin," Jeff grins.

Anya calls her parents and tells them she and Jeff are staying for dinner. Jay is still here, Owen is also staying and Paige arrived home when I was talking to Jeff. The ten of us just barely fit around the kitchen table, I sit between Adam and Jeff. Adam & I don't take very much food, and I take more than he does, but at least he takes a small piece of lasagna and eats the whole thing. People are avoiding talking about Maya or asking Adam how he's doing, people talk about work and school mostly. Spin asks Owen and Jeff about the team and how practices are going.

"We should get home but I'll see you at school tomorrow," Jeff says kissing me softly after we've finished dinner.

"Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow," I reply with a soft smile.

"Will you be at school tomorrow Adam?" Anya questions.

"I don't think so, I'm not sure I'm ready," Adam replies looking at Spin.

"I have the day off tomorrow, I'll stay with you," Spin nods.

"Oh, okay. I guess I'll see you when you come back to school then," Anya says quietly.

"I'm going to walk Jeff and Anya out," I tell Spin and he nods. I get up from the table and walk out with Jeff and Anya, holding Anya's arm before she gets into the car. "He's hurting right now, a lot. Don't take it personally, he doesn't even realize you like him and right now he's just not ready. You can come home again with me tomorrow, hang out with us. It's not going to be very happy but the more you're around the more Adam will open up," I stress to Anya. I know that when my brother is ready he and Anya will be a great couple and I don't want her to give up while Adam is still hurting.

"Thanks Clare, I'll come tomorrow," she smiles.

"You can take my car again, I'm sure Owen can drop me here after practice again," Jeff tells us and then looks at me. His gentle brown eyes lock with mine, his fingers brush over my cheek, into my hair and he flashes that smile I fell in love with. "I'll see you tomorrow Pretty Eyes," he says before closing the gap between us and uniting our lips in another loving kiss.

After a moment Jeff breaks the kiss and gets in the car. I wave to them and go inside, I go into the kitchen to help clean up. I start picking up plates from the table when Spin looks at me and takes the plates.

"No, you still need to rest," Spin orders.

There's no point in arguing, Paige will just agree with Spinner so I go into the living room. Adam, Drew, Bianca and Owen are all in here watching TV and doing homework. Adam isn't doing homework yet, I have his homework in my backpack. I know that he can't handle homework right now though, and he won't be at school tomorrow. The teachers had better understand, anyway it's not as though Adam is behind in any of his classes. I get out my homework and Owen gets up so I can sit next to Adam. Because of the assembly we didn't have first period so I don't have math homework. There's no homework for drama and I'm able to finish my science and geography homework in a little over an hour, by which time Spinner, Paige and Jay have finished cleaning the kitchen and joined us in the living room.

"So twins, what should we do for your birthday?" Spinner asks when the TV show we're watching goes to commercial.

"Birthday?" Adam and I say at the same time in the same tone and everyone now looks at us.

"Your sixteenth birthday, on Saturday," Spin replies.

"Oh," Adam and I answer again in the same tone and at the same time. It's not as though we had entirely forgotten our birthday or that our birthday was approaching. It's just that so much has happened and we'd both been through so much, and in so much emotional chaos lately, that our sixteenth birthday seems insignificant. "Nothing," Adam and I reply yet again in the same tone and at the same time.

"It's rather creepy when they do that," I hear Jay whisper to Owen and he nods.

"We have to do something, you're turning sixteen this is a milestone birthday," Drew urges with insistence in his tone.

"I'm going to shower," Adam replies getting up from the sofa.

"I'll help you get the bag over your cast," I comment following him.

I follow Adam to the washroom, help him undress and get the bag over his cast, taping it down so it doesn't get wet. He knows I'll come in if he needs me so I leave the washroom to give him some privacy while he showers. I go into my room, part of me wants to call Mark, he's been here with me so often, he has stayed the night with me ever since I was released from the hospital, that now my room feels empty without him. A feeling I'll have to overcome I suppose, tonight though Adam will sleep in my room. Done with my homework and not wanting to talk about my birthday, without Mark here and Jeff having gone home I anxiously pace my room until I hear the shower turn off. Going into Adam's room I grab his pajamas and clean boxers.

"You can come in," Adam says when I reach the washroom door. I open it and help Adam get dressed. I put toothpaste on his toothbrush, and leave him to get ready for bed. When I come out Jay is coming out of Spinner and Paige's room, probably using the washroom.

"If you want to stay the night you can sleep in Adam's bed, he's staying in my room tonight," I inform Jay.

"I'll stay over," he replies with a soft smile that I try to return.

I go into my room sitting on my bed, a few moments later Adam comes in the room. He's tired, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. He says nothing simply gets in the bed, I turn out the light and lie down with my brother but sleep doesn't come easily. Adam falls asleep pretty quickly, but I lie awake for hours, my mind unanchored, drifting through thought after thought. Before I'm even beginning to feel sleep coming Adam wakes from a tormenting dream. He gasps and then turns on his side as he breaks into tears. I roll over and hold my brother, there's little else I can do. Eventually, Adam cries himself to sleep again and now exhaustion overwhelms me into sleep. I wake to my alarm; a feeling of panic remains from my dream but I don't remember the dream.

"I'll see you after school, don't worry Spin will be here," Adam yawns as I get out bed.

He's still tired and rolls over to go back to sleep. I get dressed and go out to the washroom but the door is closed so I go out to the kitchen. Paige is in the kitchen and I get some coffee sitting at the table. Paige smiles at me and looks like she wants to say something but then seems to change her mind. Instead she kisses my forehead before leaving for work. By the time I'm done with my coffee the washroom is free and I finish getting ready for school, grabbing my backpack and leaving with Owen in his car. Bianca and Drew go in his car, he has basketball practice after school and Bianca will stay with him.

"You really don't want to do anything for your birthday?" Owen inquires on the way to school. I can only shrug in response, I'm not sure I could explain it.

Owen parks at school and we go in, almost as soon as we're in the doors I see Mark. He's standing with Jenna and K.C. talking with them, I wave quickly to K.C. and Jenna, but seeing Mark I feel a pang of guilt, and a pang of wanting. I bite my lip looking down and turn to walk to my locker when arms come around me and I turn my head to be lured into a kiss.

"Hi Clare, how's Adam?" Anya asks when Jeff and I break the kiss.

"He's hanging in there but I'm worried. I don't know that he'll be ready to return to school this week at all. You're still coming over after school, right?"

"Yeah," Anya replies with a smile and I smile back.

"I need to go to my locker," I tell them after a few seconds of feeling Mark watching me.

"I'll take you," Jeff says keeping an arm around me as we walk away from Anya. "So, Saturday I don't know what you have planned but I was th…"

"We don't want to do anything," I cut him off.

"What?" Jeff questions and he stops walking holding me with him so I stop too.

"Our birthday, Adam and I don't want to celebrate, we don't want to do anything," I reply flatly and since Jeff isn't walking I continue and his arm slips from my shoulders. I only take a couple of steps before he catches my hand.

"What do you mean you don't want to do anything?"

"Just what I said, we don't care that we're turning sixteen and we don't want to do anything just drop it," I snap angrily trying to turn but he keeps hold of my arm.

"Clare, I know things have been bad but…"

"We don't want to celebrate Jeff, leave it alone or leave me alone," I lash out pushing him away from me and take off running.

(FITZ)

Clare walks into school with Owen, she waves to Jenna and K.C. and our eyes lock for a brief second, she then bites her lip with a guilty look turning away from me. Jeff embraces her and I look back at K.C., I told them Clare and I broke up and they've been telling me about dinner with Joey and Caitlin yesterday. They don't want to talk about Maya, and Jenna told me they needed the distraction of school. Lisa's parents came into town and have been staying with them, they've been supportive but don't approve of Jenna and K.C. living together or the pregnancy.

"You going to be okay?" K.C. inquires.

"I knew how she felt about him, I don't like seeing them together but I couldn't stop her. It's going to take a while for us to get to a comfortable friendship point though, I probably won't be hanging at the Mason's too much in the next few weeks."

"I'm proud of how well you're taking this Fitz, I know it must be hard," Jenna says.

"Thanks, uh I'm going to go to my locker I'll see you guys later," I wave to the two of them walking away mostly just so I'm not talking about Clare and me.

I begin walking to my locker but I see Clare and Jeff down the hall, she looks upset but they aren't really arguing. I should probably keep walking, she's not my girlfriend anymore and I should step back and not get involved in their relationship, but I can't. She's still important to me, I'm still in love with her and seeing her in pain and upset is painful. When Clare runs off I walk over to Jeff, I'm not even sure he'll talk to me but despite being in love with the same girl, or perhaps because of that, we have pretty good…well friendship might be pushing it. I suppose it's an understanding, a mutual understanding forged over the love of the same girl.

"What happened?" I question. Jeff looks wounded and dumbfounded.

"I just wanted to celebrate her birthday with her. She said they didn't want to celebrate, she wouldn't answer for her and kept insisting she and Adam didn't want to celebrate. I should go after her," he comments.

"Let me, I think I know where she went," I tell him and he nods. I leave Jeff and find Clare on the roof where I thought she'd be.

"He wouldn't listen, we don't want to celebrate," she says stubbornly crossing her arms.

"I know it might seem hard to celebrate right now after Maya but it is your birthday."

"It's not just Maya's death, our birthday is the day after her public service. And Adam is barely hanging on, he's questioning everything they went through. Everything about him, and her and their relationship, if she ever truly loved him the way he did her or if he was just safe. I haven't felt this sort of…uncertainty from him since we were very young kids and he was beginning to truly question things about himself. Celebrating a birthday of all things is the furthest thing from either of our minds."

"Clare," I say her name softly and step forward placing a hand on her cheek, "right now celebrating you and Adam is important to those who care about you. After everything that's happened recently it's very important, this is a big birthday, a birthday that you almost didn't make it to. You died Clare, for a moment but you died and the fact that you made it to this birthday is worth celebrating. It's important for you and Adam, even though you're hurting, we all are but that's part of what makes this an important celebration. It's important for Adam too, I know that Maya's suicide has been hardest on Adam, that her letter was devastating to him. I don't know why she took her life or why we didn't know she was in such a bad place, but I'm sure that Maya was not so vindictive that she purposely killed herself a week before your birthday. The fact that Adam is hurting so much right now makes the gathering and support of the people that care about him so important. If you can't stomach a big group celebration we'll understand, but you still need to celebrate, maybe just the four of you. This isn't just a milestone for you it's a milestone for Drew and Spinner too."

I watch her bite her lip, rolling it between her teeth which means she's thinking. She doesn't say anything but I can see in her eyes she agrees with me.

"And you can't be mad at Jeff for wanting to celebrate your birthday Clare. He is your boyfriend and he wants to celebrate with you. I was planning to celebrate with you quietly, even after everything. If you don't want to do much I'm sure Jeff will understand but you should celebrate with him. You know Adam will understand and you know that Adam won't be alone while you're out celebrating with Jeff."

"A small celebration with our brothers would be good, we're not up for big groups though. I'll talk to Adam this afternoon," she finally gives in.

"Do you want me to talk to Jeff? Tell him to keep the celebration for you two lowkey?" I offer and she twists her face at me.

"You know for someone who is still supposedly in love with me you're being extremely understanding and helpful," she comments and I chuckle lightly.

"I am still in love with you Clare, and I'm not happy that you left me for Jeff but I told you I knew it was coming. I know you guys have feelings for each other and you need to explore them. Again, I'm not thrilled about it but I'm not the jealous possessive type. I don't like that you're with Jeff or that you left me for him but I'm not going to sabotage it. I love you deeply Clare and I want you to be happy, even if that means it's not with me."

She smiles softly, making her eyes shine like diamonds, putting her hand on my shoulder stands on her tiptoes and her lips gently touch mine. Just a quick peck of an appreciative kiss but the feeling of her lips on mine sends a rush through my body.

"Thanks Mark, you really are an amazing guy."

"Come on let's get you inside before Drew comes looking for you."

I walk her back inside and she goes to her homeroom math class. I walk to Clare's locker expecting to find Jeff there and I do.

"Where is she?" Jeff asks.

"She went to class, you can talk to her at lunch. We need to get to class too," I comment as we start walking to homeroom.

"Is she said still mad?"

"No, I calmed her down and made her see for both her and Adam that their birthday is worth celebrating. She'll celebrate with you that night, just the two of you and you have to keep it lowkey, no big celebrations," I explain to Jeff. We've reached class and he sits at his desk so I lean on the one next to it.

"I know with Maya's death and everything things have been tense but I didn't think she'd get angry about celebrating her birthday," Jeff sighs.

"It's not just Maya's death, I mean it's more than that. Maya's service is Friday and their birthday is Saturday, Clare feels funny about celebrating after that. And Adam is taking Maya's death really hard, you saw the letter and now because of it he's questioning everything. It hasn't exactly been easy for him being who he is anyway, and now he's questioning if the only girl he ever loved ever loved him at all. That's all on top of trying process Maya's cheating and suicide and Clare's feeling it all from him, she's barely processed her own feelings about Maya but she's too worried about Adam. They're twins. They share a bond, a tight one, don't ever try to get between them, don't ever argue with either of them about the other. You won't win."

I walk back to my desk now, Jeff has a few things to think about and class will be starting any second anyway. When I sit at my desk Drew is giving me a funny look and I cock my eyebrow at him.

"Were you just giving Clare's new guy, who kind of stole her from you, advice about dating my sister?" Drew inquires while Owen and Bianca are giving me odd looks.

"Kinda, yeah. He's new to this whole thing, he doesn't get Clare and Adam yet."

"No one gets Clare and Adam," Owen remarks.

"Yeah, but you're helping him," Drew exclaims just as the late bell rings.

"I want Clare to be happy, fighting with Jeff over something like this is silly and if I get her back now she'll never know what they have. If she's going to explore what she has with him then she needs to give it time and really give them a chance."

Drew grins and the teacher begins class. I'm paying attention but I'm mostly thinking about Clare. I'm worried about her, I think that she's so worried about Adam, so consumed with what Adam is feeling that she hasn't processed her own feelings about Maya's suicide. Or perhaps she's forcing herself to hold it back so Adam won't feel that too.

"I talked with Clare and she's going to talk to Adam. I don't think either of them are up for a big celebration but I told Clare she and Adam should at least celebrate with you and Spin. She seemed to like the idea," I tell Drew as we walk out of class when the bell rings.

"Thanks Fitz," Drew grins with some relief, "I'm really worried about the both of them."

"Hey Fitz," Jeff calls and Drew waves as Jeff comes over to me, "thanks for talking to Clare. And for the advice. It's really big of you considering our…er…situation. You could have just let us fight, she may have gone straight back to you."

"Yeah maybe, but if she had in a month or so she'd be wondering again. I let her go to be with you so she could explore her feelings, so you both could. We all need to know. Just know that I'm still in love with her, that won't change and if you ever hurt her or break her heart then I will be there. I want her to be happy and if that means being with you I'll accept it, but if it means being with me I expect you to do the same," I tell Jeff.

"I know and I will," Jeff nods smiling from one corner of his mouth and we shake hands. Then Jeff walks away to get to his second period technology and design class which he has with Drew and Owen. Bianca comes over putting her arm around my shoulders.

"Very noble Sir Fitzy, your armor shines bright today," she grins and I chuckle.

(JAY)

"So, you and Clare still set on celebrating just the two of you and your brothers?" I ask Adam.

It's late Friday morning and I'm staying with Adam until Spinner is off at one. I've been staying with him all week, wasn't hard to get time off work from Tony and I wanted to be with Adam. In a way, I understood what he was feeling and in a way, I understood what Maya must have been feeling. Adam hasn't been back to school all week, he says he's not ready and no one is pushing him to go. Anya has come home with Clare every day after school, hanging out and doing homework, just sort of being here for Adam. When he does get out of this depression he's in he'll realize Anya likes him. Right now, though he can't see it but he will.

"Yeah, we're just not up for more. Jeff is going to take her out for something tomorrow night, a celebration with just the two of them. And if people have gifts for us they can bring them to the house while we're out. Maybe we'll celebrate more later but right now…" Adam's sentence trails off but he doesn't need to finish. I know.

"At least you're celebrating, giving up all together is worse," I comment tousling the younger boy's hair.

"You going to the service this evening?" Adam questions after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah, I think we're all going, well besides the four of you and Bianca, but we all understand why you can't," I remark and then there's silence again so I decide to fill the void. "Sean says Fitz has been hanging at the garage after school all week. He's got far more time on his hands without Clare."

"I think he feels a little odd being here now, not that Jeff is here much and they get along fine. The way I hear it Fitz helped or Clare and Jeff may have broken up Tuesday morning. Maybe it's just being here with Clare, all the memories. I feel that way sometimes, I guess it's why I've been sleeping in Clare's room all week instead of mine, too many memories about Maya," Adam says. His tone is somehow empty and full of sorrow all at once. His eyes filled with tears he's fighting hard to hold back.

I hug him tight and let him cry, holding it back is much worse than letting it go. He's still crying when Spin comes home, he gives his youngest brother a worried and sympathetic look before going back to his room. Whether he heard Spin or he's done crying Adam sits up and wipes his eyes.

"Spin's home, I'll be okay you go to your support group," Adam insists.

"I can stay."

"No, it's okay, you should go. You haven't been all week because you've been here with me. I appreciate it but you should go, you've barely left our house all week except to get me out."

"You want me to come over after the service?" I ask. He starts to shake his head but then he nods. Spinner comes out of his room having changed his clothes and I stand up. "I'm going to the group and Maya's service but I'll be back tonight," I tell Spin.

"Thanks Jay, tell Lisa and K.C. they're welcome to come here after the service too. Her parents too, and of course everyone else in our gang" Spin says and I nod.

I hug Adam and Spinner then get in my car. With an hour before group I go home, shower and change into some nicer clothes to wear to the service. I haven't been to group in over a week, the group is held five days a week and you can attend as many or as few as you feel like. Some people come to every single one because they don't have support from family or friends outside of this group. Others may come to just one or two, usually they have lots of support but find it comforting to speak with other people that understand.

I grab some coffee and sit down in the circle of chairs. I'm one of the first ones here and I've drank most of my coffee before we even start.

"Welcome everyone," Dennis says and then looks right at me. "Jay, you've been absent from the last several meetings, is there anything you'd like to share?"

"A young friend of mine committed suicide last week. A girl I've known since she was like five or six. She was just six weeks from her fifteenth birthday and she ended it all. There's a part of me that gets it because not long ago I was in that place. What I don't understand is why she did it. She wasn't struck with a devastating life-threatening disease. She had problems but nothing that didn't have a solution. The only note she left was to her boyfriend, it was sort of apologetic but mostly it was angry and I can't figure out when she got so angry. It's made me think a lot about what I went through and felt when I first learned I was sick. I almost succeeded in taking my own life, I was stopped but they found me, we didn't find her. She planned it that way, she knew we would stop her. I just can't figure out when she got so angry, why she felt so ashamed and like she couldn't talk to any of us? Well, anyway that's why I was gone, I've been spending all week with her boyfriend it hit him hardest. I couldn't help her but hopefully I've been helping him."

"I'm sorry to hear that Jay. I know you have lots of support but if you need to talk about your friend's suicide outside of group call me any time," Dennis says.

"Thanks," I nod.

Now that I've brought the subject up it's all we talk about. People talk about their own suicide attempt, some talk about other people they met with HIV that succeeded in killing themselves. Others talk about friends or relatives who died suddenly and how it affected them and having to again think about their own mortality, and survivors guilt in a way. It's pretty depressing but it's also helpful in its own way.

I have to go straight from group to the public memorial service. The parking lot of the Riverdale Cemetery is fairly crowded by the time I arrive. I see Owen's car and park next to him, I walk into the room where Maya's service is, it's much different than the small service we had for her. A large picture of Maya is at the front of the room, there's some wreaths and flowers too. Our group seems to be sitting up front so that's where I go, I already know the Masons won't be here, Adam didn't want to come he was sure he wouldn't be able to handle it. Clare wanted to stay with him, Spinner was worried about his youngest sibs and so was Drew, Bianca is with them but Paige is coming from work. K.C. is here with his mom and Jenna of course. Sean, Emma and Fitz are here, Owen with Vanessa, Tris and Zane. I see a lot of the other kids that go to DeGrassi here as well including Eli, Imogen, Mo and most of the Ice Hounds including Jeff. Johnny is here sitting a few rows back with Samantha, Jeff and Anya.

DeGrassi sports teams, including the Ice Hounds were supposed to play in a few games this afternoon however, they got rescheduled due to the service. I see several of the teachers from DeGrassi, Mr. S is here with his wife. Joey and Caitlin are also here sitting behind K.C. and Jenna. There are other people I don't recognize, kids and adults who must be paying their respects. There are also, unfortunately, reporters but at least they're staying in the back.

Lucas and Mia come in and sit with me just as Miss Oh goes to the podium on the stage. She asks everyone to sit so the service can get started. When everyone is sitting Miss Oh begins speaking, giving the eulogy, she talks mainly about Maya's musical gifts. After Miss Oh Jenna gets up and goes to the podium. She's due at the end of next month and even with the black dress she wears her pregnant belly is rather visible.

"Lisa and K.C. asked me to speak for the three of us. I knew Maya very well, she was the closest thing I ever had to a sister and one of my best friends. She could be extremely outspoken and yet very shy, she liked to be around people and she loved to share her musical gifts. One of the things I miss most about her is her smile. Maya's smile lit her face, when she was happy you saw it in her whole body. When Maya was truly happy or excited it was infectious and you couldn't help but share those emotions with her. I know all of us that knew her and loved her feel that we failed her in some way because none of us had any idea she was hurting so much. Maya, you will be terribly missed but never forgotten and always loved."

Jenna finishes and sits down again, tears she was restraining in her eyes while speaking break free. K.C. and Lisa hug her as she sits down again, those of us who are close enough to do so touch her hand, arm or leg as our way of reminding her we're all there. Miss Oh asks if anyone else would like to share, Mr. Simpson speaks and a girl that was in music class with Maya. Our group doesn't want to speak, we've done so already and we don't want to do it with the press here.

"Spinner said you three were welcome to come over after the service, your parents too. Everyone is welcome of course but Spin wanted you three to come especially," I tell Lisa, K.C. and Jenna.

"I have to get to work but why don't you go. I'll feel better if I know you're with people," Lucas says to Mia.

"Okay," she nods.

"I think we should all go," Emma says.

"Mia, you can ride with me," I tell her.

"Thanks," she smiles.

"I'll come after work, I'm sure you can sleep there," Lucas tells Mia and they share a kiss.

"We should get going or the press will descend," I remark.

"There's a back door," K.C. tells us.

We all make a quick exit through the backdoor and out to the parking lot. We all parked fairly close together so we stay together. I see Johnny with Sam, Jeff and Anya about to get into Johnny's car.

"JOHNNY," I call to him and he looks over. I wave him over and the four of them walk to us. "Lucas has to work but the rest of us are going to the Mason's. You guys should come," I tell them.

"I'd like to see how Adam is," Anya says.

"Maybe I should go home," Fitz comments scratching the back of his head uncomfortably as he exchanges a look with Jeff.

"No, you go. I mean you should come too, I'm sure Clare would like it," Jeff replies.

"We'll see you guys at the Mason's," Johnny says.

Lucas kisses Mia and gets in his car to go to work. Mia gets into the passenger seat of my car and I start driving to the Mason's house. Hopefully all of us being together it will bring us all some comfort.

Update soon picking up from the time of Maya's service but at the Mason house. Next update will also include Adam and Clare's sixteenth birthday. The next story to be updated is Hold Me Now & Don't Let Go.

Be sure to head to the DeGrassi Saviors website (link in my profile page) to check out the 200 stories gallery which is now complete! I'll leave the gallery up until the end of September so see it while you can.