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Ch. 52 I'm An Unpainted Portrait

(CLARE)

"Have you two decided what you want to do for your birthday tomorrow?" Spinner asks.

It's late Friday afternoon and most everyone is at Maya's public service right now. Spinner, Drew and Bianca are here with us. We know Paige and many, if not all the others, will be over after the service. Right now it's just the five of us in the kitchen having pizza for dinner, well there is pizza but neither Adam nor I are really eating.

"We thought we could maybe go to The Sidekick for breakfast, start the day calm with some coffee, pastries and board games," Adam says.

"Then go to the aquarium like we used to do with Dad when we were little. Dinner at our favorite restaraunt before we come home," I add.

"That sounds like a great idea," Spinner smiles.

"We'll make it a good birthday for you," Drew assures us with a smile.

"Last year we spent our birthday without Dad, this year without Maya," Adam says sadly and Spinner hugs him tightly.

"The service will be ending soon we should set out the food," Bianca comments after a few moments.

"You two should go rest in the living room," Spinner commands compassionately.

Adam and I go into the living room, turning on the TV until the others arrive. We sit silently until we hear cars out front, Adam turns off the TV and gets up going into the washroom. Probably to avoid the greeting from everyone, or the sentiments, when they first come in. I stay on the sofa, the first one in is Paige, followed by Jay and Mia, Sean Fitz and Emma come in and I smile at Fitz. Then Jeff comes in with Anya, Sam and Johnny.

And now I'm feeling somewhat claustrophobic. Jeff and Fitz are both here and both very close together, they're very close to me and it suddenly feels awkward. Jeff and Fitz both come towards me so when Owen comes in with Vanessa, Tris and Zane I rush over to hug them. While I'm hugging Tristan the door opens again and Lisa, Jenna and K.C. come in. I hug them too, further avoiding Fitz and Jeff. Adam has emerged from the washroom and he's talking with Fitz alleviating, for the moment, the awkwardness of being with them both.

"How was the service?" Spinner asks coming out of the kitchen with Drew and Bianca. They hug Lisa, Jenna and K.C. before nodding or waving to the others.

"It was nice, people shared some good memories of Maya. I saw the memorial at the school before the service, we got some good pictures of it," Lisa replies.

"There's food in the kitchen if anyone is hungry," Spinner tells them.

People begin talking about the service and Adam looks uncomfortable and disappears into his room. I make no such subtlety or excuse and simply follow Adam into his room. He's sitting on his bed, staring at the wall, I sit next to him, entwining my arm with his and putting my head on his shoulder. I feel my brother fracturing, he's slipping and I'm worried about him. We stay together in silence for a while before there's a soft knock on the door. Neither of us get up or even call to come in, but the door opens slowly and Anya comes in followed by Jeff.

"Do you two want to go out? We thought we might go for a drive, Spinner said it would be okay for you to come," Anya tells us.

I look at Adam, he doesn't move or react, he's lost somewhere in his head. I know he won't answer but I feel like getting out of the house would probably be good for both of us.

"Yeah, it would probably be good to get out of the house for a little while," I nod and tug at Adam's arm so he'll come with us.

Jeff puts his arm around me, Anya links her arm with Adam and we walk out. Everything goes quiet and everyone looks at us while we grab our coats. We don't say anything, don't even really look at them, we just put on our coats and leave with Jeff and Anya. We get in Jeff's car, I sit up front with Jeff so Anya can sit in back with Adam. Jeff begins driving and we're all silent still, no one says anything until we reach a drive-thru coffee shop and we all order coffee. Jeff then continues driving and we remain silent, sipping at our coffee and gazing out the windows. Jeff drives us to a spot where we can see the harbor and the stars. For a while we sit silently looking either at the harbor or the stars, the only sounds are our breathing, sipping our coffee or one of us occasionally shifting. Then Anya bravely breaks the silence.

"Adam, whatever Maya's reasons for committing suicide, for cheating, for not talking to anyone when she found out she was pregnant, it wasn't your fault."

Adam stays silent, I look back to see him gazing out the window, it's too dark to see his eyes but I know he heard Anya.

"It doesn't excuse what she did, and this is only a guess, but maybe she cheated not because she didn't love you but because she wanted something secret. It's not exactly easy to have secrets in our group and have something that's only for you," I speak up looking at Jeff. There was a time when he was my secret, not that he was totally hidden from my brothers or our group but our letters and a lot of our time spent together while he was still living in Guelph was our secret. "There wasn't really anything about your relationship with Maya that was ever secret. I know how it feels to feel like there's nothing that's just yours, that everyone in our group knows everything you do and often feel like they can put in their two-bits about it."

"She didn't love me, not the way I loved her. I've done a lot of thinking about our relationship over the last week, examining and analyzing almost every moment of our relationship, I know she loved me but not the way I loved her. If she had been in love with me she never would have cheated," Adam says quietly.

"Then she didn't deserve you Adam," Anya asserts and even in the dark of the car I see her reach out to take his hand. "You deserve someone that appreciates who you are and loves who you are."

I smile at Anya for these words and because I know she means them. Adam doesn't respond but he does look at her and I hope her words are getting through to him. Now we're silent again but I don't think anything more should be said, and I know Adam's head is full of thoughts right now and I don't think he'd hear us anyway. We stay parked for a short time longer before Jeff begins driving us home.

"Thanks for getting us out of the house," I say as we get out of the car walking to the front door.

"I hope it helped," Anya replies while Jeff simply puts his arm around me.

A lot of people are still here and when we come in they all go silent and look at us again. Adam doesn't say anything and simply walks back to his room, I follow him. I'm not entirely in the mood to talk to people either. He sits on his bed and I sit with him, much the way we did before going out with Jeff and Anya. We stay that way, in silence, until there's a soft knock on the door. Neither of us replies but the door opens anyway and once again Jeff and Anya come in.

"We just came in to say goodnight, we're going home," Jeff tells me. I get up to hug Jeff and Anya goes to the bed sitting with Adam.

"If you want to talk or just need to get out you can call me any time," Anya tells Adam while I hug Jeff.

I let go of Jeff and turn around to see Adam nod and manage a small smile for Anya. I hug Anya and the two of them leave Adam's room, a few minutes later I hear Jeff's car starting in the driveway as they leave. Adam and I remain sitting on his bed in silence, we hear people begin to leave, a few come in to say goodbye or see how we are. Spinner, Paige, Drew, Bianca and Jay all come in to see how we are and ask if we need anything before they go to bed. Adam and I however just sit there together but silent, until I notice the time on my phone, it's after midnight which means it's officially February 4th and our birthday.

"Happy Birthday Adam."

"Happy Birthday Sis."

(SPINNER)

"Have a good time today, it's your 16th birthday you should enjoy it," Paige says encouragingly to Clare and Adam. We're about to leave for their birthday outing, Paige and Bianca are staying home. They'll get it ready for everyone else to come this evening, if they want, to give Clare and Adam presents.

"Thanks Paige," Clare replies with a small smile and Adam also manages a smile.

Bianca and Paige hug Clare and Adam before we get on our coats and go out to my car. They wanted to start the day at The Sidekick, it's one of their favorite places because there are comic books and a ton of board games along with decent coffee and pastries. After telling us what they want Adam goes to look at comic books while Clare goes to pick out a board game.

"You think they'll be able to enjoy their birthday?" Drew asks when the twins are out of earshot.

"I hope so, I'm most worried about Adam," I remark.

"Yeah," Drew nods, "me too."

We order and find Clare at a booth setting up a game. She picked a game that requires knowledge, strategy and logic so a game that she and Adam will cream us at, but it is their birthday. Adam comes over with a few comics so it looks like he's decided on his present. I told both Clare and Adam they could pick something today as their gift from me and Paige, as long as it's $50 or under. We start playing the game and a waitress brings our coffee and pastries. Clare wins the game but Adam does smile a few times during the game, truly genuine smiles and that's a good sign. After finishing the game and our breakfast we leave for the aquarium, we haven't been here in years. We used to come with Dad a few times a year, mostly because it was one of the few places all five of us enjoyed going. I pay for the four of us and we begin walking around the exhibits, letting the twins lead the way.

"Remember when we used to come here with Dad?" Clare comments as we're standing in front of a large tank watching seals swim.

"Yeah, it was always fun," Adam replies with a reminiscent smile.

We spend the day at the Aquarium, it's beautiful and despite all the families it's calm. Probably best of all its reminding us all of when we were little and happy times with Dad. When Clare and Adam are ready to leave the aquarium we take them to their favorite restaurant for dinner before returning home. Owen, Vanessa, Tris, Lucas, Mia, Jay, Sean, Emma, Johnny, Sam, Jeff, Anya, Jenna and K.C. are all at the house when we return. Of course, Paige and Bianca are here as well.

Keeping things calm and low key people take turns greeting the twins and wishing them happy birthday. Presents have been gathered on a side table in the living room. While the twins are being greeted I step into the kitchen to get the birthday cake out. I grab it out of the fridge and Paige comes into the kitchen getting the birthday candles from the everything drawer.

"How'd it go today?" Paige asks.

"It was good, Adam even smiled a few times, genuine smiles. It was nice to see, he hasn't genuinely smiled in days. I'm really worried about him, I know how hard it hit him but I think what worries me most is how worried Clare is about him. She'll barely leave him and they sleep in the same room, I see the way she looks at him, how worried she is," I tell my wife peeking through the doorway at my youngest sibs. Paige puts a hand on my shoulder and an arm around my back, lying her head on my other shoulder.

"They've been through a lot, Adam was barely recovering from the scare with Clare when Maya's suicide and her letter tore him down. He's hurting and it will probably take him a long time to recover but we'll all be here to help him."

I smile and look at my wife, taking her in my arms, "I love you and I'm lucky to have you. I appreciate every day what you do for me and my brothers and sister. I'm so grateful that we have you and for all you do for us and how much you love and care about me and Drew, Clare and Adam."

Paige smiles linking her arms around my neck before crushing her lips to mine. I hold her tight, pulling her to me until our bodies are pressed together and kissing her passionately. I would have kept her locked in the kiss several moments longer, but Drew poked his head into the kitchen and interrupted us.

"Hey, kiss later presents and cake now," Drew says.

Paige and I break the kiss and get the candles in the cake and lit before taking it out to the twins. We set it on the coffee table but we don't sing, the twins blow out their candles and Drew begins cutting the cake, serving them first of course. After eating their cake people begin presenting the twins with their presents. Drew and Bianca got them tickets to a show they talked about going to months ago, it's not coming here for another month but hopefully by then Adam will not be so depressed and be able to enjoy the show. Jay, Lucas and Mia, Johnny and Sam all give the twins gift cards. Owen, Tris and Vanessa got Adam a music software for his computer and Clare a publishing program for her computer. Jenna and K.C. got Clare a movie she wanted and Adam a poster for his room signed by one of his favorite bands. Anya gives Clare a gift card but got Adam some music and a book on the power of music. Jeff, I'm assuming, will give Clare her gift when they go out alone together but he does give Adam a card with a gift card in it. Paige and I paid for the day out, and we bought Adam the comic books he wanted from the café this morning. Clare never did find something she wanted while we were out so I'll give her cash later. The only one not here to give a gift is Fitz, although considering his recent breakup with my sister that's not entirely surprising. Clare and Adam thank everyone for their gifts and then Jeff leaves with Clare. When they're gone Emma brings a small box from her purse and gives it to Adam.

"Fitz wanted us to say Happy Birthday from him, this is for you from him. He has something for Clare too but he bought it weeks ago and didn't feel it would be appropriate to give it to her now," Emma explains as she gives the box to Adam.

"Thanks," Adam replies trying to smile as he takes the box. Fitz's gift to Adam is a collectible ring that's from his favorite comic. Adam smiles and puts on the ring and takes another piece of cake.

People slowly begin to leave, Johnny and Sam leave first for a date along with Owen and Vanessa because they're doubling. Lucas has to get to work and take Mia home first so they leave next. Sean and Emma leave taking Anya, Tris, Jenna and K.C. home. The only one to stay, that doesn't live here, is Jay and he's sleeping here as he has many nights this week. Adam goes into his room and Jay goes with him while Drew and Bianca help Paige and I clean up.

"I've been thinking," Paige says as we're washing the dishes, "maybe Adam needs some time away like when Clare went camping with Drew. It might be good for Adam to go somewhere that Maya has never been and therefor here presence isn't felt by him. He could go with you or maybe Jay but I think it would be good to help clear his head."

"I think that's a very good idea, but where? It's a bit cold to go camping," I remark.

"My father's best friend has a vacation house in Barrie on Lake Simcoe. I'm sure he won't be there in the winter or have it rented out but he'd probably let us use it, I'll call him tomorrow," Paige tells me and I smile kissing her forehead.

We finish cleaning and sit in the living room watching TV, I'm tempted to go check on Adam but I know he's with Jay and that Adam needs time. We're still watching TV when Clare returns with Jeff a short time later. She thanks him, he tells her Happy Birthday and they share a brief kiss before he waves to us and leaves.

"Did you have a nice time?" I ask Clare.

"Yeah," she nods, "Jeff gave me this," she tells us showing us her wrist with silver bangle bracelet on it. The bracelet has an amethyst in the center, it's simple but it's nice.

"It's beautiful," Paige smiles and Clare nods.

"I'm going to go check on Adam," Clare tells us before disappearing down the hall.

She goes into his room and a moment later Jay comes out. He sits and watches TV with us but since I open tomorrow I go to bed after the show we're watching ends. Before going back to my room I peek in on the twins, they're sitting on Adam's bed in silence. I really hope that getting Adam away for a couple days to clear his head and get some perspective will help Adam. I know that if Adam begins to heal then so will Clare.

(ADAM)

Memory is an odd thing, moments of time encapsulated in our brains; sometimes for a lifetime, sometimes for only moments and everything in between. Most of what our brains commit to long-term memory are highly emotional moments associated with many senses. Moments when we were very happy, sad, angry or any other mix of emotions. Although sometimes long term memories are totally banal, I have a memory from about age of four or five of just sitting at the table coloring.

Perhaps one of the strangest aspects of memory is that the way we view some memories can change over time. That time or an event can turn memories that used to be fond and happy into bad memories and vice-versa.

This is exactly what happened to all my memories of Maya after her suicide, her letter and the reasons for her suicide. My life now fractured into everything that came before and after her suicide. It's not the first time my life had been fractured by an event that shaped everything that had come before the event and everything that would come after it.

The first time was when I first realized I was FTM. Not when I first began questioning or feeling different, but the first time I put a name to it and admitted to myself who I was and had been meant to be. When I did this everything before that moment was suddenly seen in a new light for me. My distressing awkwardness with all things female was no longer viewed in my memory as bad but merely as the inner me screaming about who I really was. All the times I spent alone in my room, or with Clare who would know how I was feeling and sit with me in an effort to comfort me. Feeling so very out of place used to be terribly lonely memories. Even the ones when Clare was with me, she may have been feeling some of what I felt but she couldn't understand, even I didn't understand then. However, after realizing I was transgender and that all those moments were normal I saw them as self-discovery. And most importantly as the unwavering support and caring of my twin sister, who felt bad because I felt bad and she wanted to make it better.

The second time my life was fractured by an event that shaped all the memories that had come before it, and so very many moments in my life after, was Dad's death. The only parent Clare and I had ever known was taken from us so suddenly and maliciously surreptitiously by a brain aneurism. It was an awful shock that shook all our lives and suddenly all my memories of Dad became clouded by fear and guilt. Examining every moment I could remember and wondering if there were signs we had missed, something we could have done. Then I began looking back on them with anger, why hadn't he gone to the doctor when he had a headache? Why hadn't I spent more time with him, taken those moments to talk with him after dinner rather than going into my room? But with time I've not only held onto every memory of Dad I have but see them with love and gratitude that we had those moments together, even when we were fighting.

Likewise, my memories of Maya had changed since her suicide. I have hundreds, possibly thousands, of memories of Maya and I used to hold them all with a certain fondness and happiness. Even the not so happy memories, such as our fights, I would still fondly remember because it was a moment shared with the girl I was deeply in love with, and who I thought was in love with me. Since the moment of her suicide and most especially since reading her letter all my memories changed and were thrown into question.

I've been in love with Maya since I can remember. From the very first time I saw her I thought she was so beautiful and musically talented. When I asked her to be my girlfriend it was because I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Prior to Maya's suicide I thought she felt the same way but now as I look back, perhaps seeing the memories without thoughts of love, I am sure she was with me because I was safe. I'm sure she loved me but I'm also sure she was never in love with me the way I was her.

I've spent the last week pouring over every memory I have of Maya, before and after we were a couple. Analyzing each memory and realizing that most of what she did and said was not out of love. I know now that she agreed to be my girlfriend because I was safe. She knew that K.C. would have absolutely no objection to her dating me. She knew that I wouldn't get too physical and in many ways she could take the lead in that. I was basically a trainer boyfriend for her, someone she could safely be with that cared about her and that she cared about even if not as deeply. I now have no doubts that whoever she cheated on me with was more of a test, and had she not gotten pregnant and committed suicide she would have broken up with me soon.

I had thought she was in love with me, I thought she was attracted to me, and that she never saw me as trans. But if those were all true then she never would have cheated on me, not just cheated, not just a kiss but losing her virginity to this unknown guy. I have to wonder if I was all boy, and that means physically, would she have strayed? It's not a question I can answer now, but I was hoping it was not a question I'd ever have to ponder again.

"Adam, lunch," Spinner calls to me.

"Coming," I call back and close my laptop quickly.

It's Monday and everyone else is either at school or work, Spinner is off today so he's home with me and Jay actually went to work today. I told Spinner I still wasn't up for going back to school this week and he didn't argue, actually no one was surprised.

"Paige and I were thinking," Spinner comments as he sets my plate in front of me and sits down, "it would be good for you to get away for a while. A family friend of hers has a beach house in Barrie, it's somewhere Maya has never been and it might help clear your head."

"Yeah," I nod after a moment of thought, "that would probably be good. When?"

"This weekend, Jay will take the days off and leave with you Friday morning."

"Cool," I reply. Actually I won't be here Friday but that's okay I'm going somewhere Maya's never been. Anyway I'm sure that my solution is what I need more than anything.

I eat the rest of my lunch in silence, thank Spinner for lunch and return to my room. I double check everything and make sure I have enough cash still. It'll be tight and I'm using all of my savings but it will all be worth it. Satisfied that this will work I go out to the living and spend the afternoon watching TV. I'm still watching when Clare comes home with Anya. Anya smiles at me but Clare is giving me a look because she knows something is on my mind, she may even know I'm planning something. I'm sure she doesn't know what, we've always been able to share emotions and occasionally thoughts but it's not as though we know exactly what the other is thinking.

"Hi Adam, how are you feeling?" Anya asks sitting next to me and I shrug in response. I really don't know how to respond to the question of how am I feeling or how am I, it's not something I can put into words currently.

"I'll be gone with Jay all weekend, to get away from here for a few days," I say mostly to Clare hoping she'll think that's what is on my mind.

"Where are you going?" Anya questions.

"A beach house in Barrie. It belongs to a family friend of Paige's."

"Getting out of here for a few days will be good for you," Clare says but there's a reluctance in her voice. Sneaking away from my twin will be hardest of all but I'm determined.

Spinner comes out of the back and greets Anya before hugging Clare, they sit down and begin on their homework watching TV with me. Clare's been bringing me my homework and assignments, I've done a little but not very much and I haven't heard anything from my teachers or Simpson about it. Drew and Bianca get home after his basketball practice and they sit down to do homework too. Spinner starts dinner and Paige arrives home, Owen brings Jeff over to get Anya and his car.

"Hey Adam," Jeff greets while Owen simply sits down and tousles my hair.

"Hi Jeff," I nod to him while he pulls my sister up by her hand to steal her lips in a kiss.

"Hi Pretty Eyes, we need to get home but I'll see you tomorrow," Jeff tells Clare.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Clare replies. They share another brief kiss before he leaves with Anya and Clare sits down again.

Owen stays for dinner but leaves after that, Spinner and Paige clean up dinner and retreat to their room. The rest of us stay in the living room for a while watching TV and the others finishing homework. When Drew turns off the TV so we'll go to bed Clare follows me back to my room, of course we've been sleeping in the same room since Maya's suicide for the most part, so I'm not surprised.

"Adam," she says grabbing my good hand as I try to walk to my dresser for my pajamas, "I can't lose you."

"You won't Sis, not ever," I assure her taking my hand back to hug her. Clare bites her lip, rolling it between her teeth, she's worried and I hate to worry her but I must do this. "I just need some time," I tell her and she nods.

I'm not sure how much solace she took in my words but she says nothing else and we get ready for bed. She helps me get into my pajamas and toothpaste on my toothbrush, we get ready for bed together. We sleep in my room but Clare sleeps very restlessly and I know It's because she's worried about me. I feel bad for worrying her but I tell myself I'm doing this for her as well. That I'll come back better and improved and she won't worry again.

Tuesday and Wednesday are much the same, Spinner opens both days and he's out early but Jay comes over Tuesday morning before the others leave for school. He stays Tuesday night and is there with me Wednesday morning. Anya comes home with Clare each day and hangs out, and my sister remains worried. Every night she says she can't lose me and every night I tell her she won't. Even with her concern and uneasiness, and with Jay here Tuesday and Wednesday I managed to get everything ready and Thursday is when I leave.

"There's a support group meeting today isn't there?" I ask Jay as we eat breakfast Thursday morning.

"Yeah, this afternoon but Spinner closes tonight and the others won't be home yet so I wasn't going to go," Jay replies.

"You should go, I know it helps and I'll only be alone for a couple of hours. I'll be okay," I tell Jay.

"You're sure?" He asks and I nod.

He doesn't reply but I know he's going. After breakfast Jay and I go walking, we do this a lot, long walks and talks. It does help but it can't help the way I need it to. When we return to the house Jay takes a shower and gets ready for group. When he comes in to say goodbye I'm on my laptop and I wave to him. After hearing his car leave I grab my backpack, I packed light and am only bringing the essentials and a couple changes of clothes. I order a car from a ride share to take me to the train station, printing my ticket from a kiosk. Then I sit down and wait for them to announce boarding and suddenly my phone rings. It's Clare, she should be in class but she must know.

"Where are you?" She demands.

"I'll be back in a few days," I tell her.

"What do you mean you'll be back in a few days where the hell are you?!" She demands again. "Adam what are you doing?"

"Train 42 with service to Hamilton, Niagara and Rochester leaving in ten minutes from track two," an announcement rings out and I'm certain that she heard it.

"I have to go, don't worry I'll be back in a few days," I tell her and hang up. Grabbing my backpack I get up and walk to track two to board my train.

I know it's a bad cliffhanger but it's not the worst I've ever done. Update soon picking up from just about here in Clare's POV. Next up will be the last chapter of Hold Me Now & Don't Let Go.