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Ch. 53 Fractured Attempt at Taking Control
(CLARE)
Taptaptaptap my pencil hit a fast steady rhythm against my notebook as I sat anxiously in science class. I watched the clock but it seemed to me to be stuck in time, we had over half an hour left still. I was very anxious to get out of class because I knew something was wrong. I'd never make it to lunch, my heart was pounding, my palms sweating, an anxious excitement filled my stomach but it wasn't me. Adam, he felt all of this, I was getting it from him and something was very very wrong.
Dave looked over at me, I think he was getting annoyed at my pencil drumming on my notebook. I saw him look from the corner of my eye but I didn't glance at him, I was chewing my lip debating if I should just run out of class and run home. Adam wasn't at home though, that I was sure of. I raise my hand and ask to use the washroom and Mr. Bettenkamp allows it. I grab my phone from my backpack, hiding it and hoping no one saw or they think I grabbed a tampon or pad. I run out to the hall and call Adam, pacing anxiously as I wait for him to answer.
"Where are you?" I question as soon as I hear him answer.
"I'll be back in a few days," he replies in a tone that's trying to be reassuring but instead fills me with fear.
"What do you mean you'll be back in a few days where the hell are you?! Adam what are you doing?" I question getting more worried by the second. Then in the background I hear an announcement but I can't quite make it all out. I hear enough though.
"I have to go, don't worry I'll be back in a few days," Adam says rapidly and hangs up.
I begin to panic, Adam is running, at least temporarily but he didn't tell anyone, he's sneaking away. Which means he's doing something he's sure we'd object to, that much I know. I can't wait for lunch but Mark is on his spare and so is Bianca, I go looking for them. Someone else finds me first.
"Clare? Are you okay?" Anya asks.
"Come on," I insist taking her hand and pulling her with me. She doesn't ask any questions or make any objections which is good because I don't have time to explain just now. I find Mark and Bianca in the foyer on the steps and I run to them. "Mark I need you it's Adam," I tell him pulling his sleeve. That's all Mark or Bianca need, Mark hops up and Bianca nods so I'll know she'll take care of things at school and with Drew. The three of us get into Mark's car and he begins driving.
"Where are we going?" Mark questions.
"The train station, Adam is running I just don't know why, or to where. The train's last stop is New York I think and we only have a few minutes to catch the train before it leaves the station," I inform them.
"New York, by himself? What could he be doing?" Anya questions from the backseat.
"I don't think he's going to New York, or not staying anyway but I don't know what his plan is. If it was something that he thought the rest of us wouldn't stop him from doing then he wouldn't be running. He wouldn't be trying to hide it from me. All I know is he's very nervous about being caught but very excited about whatever he's trying to do," I enlighten them.
"It's not like Adam to run, that's something you would do but I haven't known Adam to run without talking to anyone. Wasn't Jay staying with him today?" Mark questions.
"Yes, if Jay knew he was gone he would have called Spinner or something. Maya's suicide, her letter, they changed Adam. He's been very…" I pause biting my lip and trying to find the right words. "Her suicide was devastating to him, bringing out in him not just deep sorrow and regret but guilt but it…it threw him off balance. He couldn't understand why she would commit suicide. Then her letter, the words in it and the ones not contained in it, ripped apart just about everything he believed and he changed. He's not really sure about anything anymore, including himself."
No one says anything but Mark reaches over and squeezes my hand. The drive to the train station seems to take forever. Finally Mark pulls up to the entrance.
"Go, find Adam I'll park," Mark says. Anya and I scramble out of the car running inside. I look around for Adam but I don't see him, so I run to the information desk.
"Train 42," I say in a breathless panic.
"Sorry, left the station a few minutes ago," the man tells me.
"What's the next stop?" Anya questions.
"Hamilton." As soon as we hear the word we turn and run back to the entrance, grabbing Mark on the way in.
"We need to go to Hamilton," I tell him. The three of us run back to his car and he begins driving. I have a terrible dread as we race to Hamilton, I can only hope we catch Adam and bring him home. If he gets to New York we'll never get him before he gets to his final destination. I don't know what he has in mind but I am terribly worried. We've been driving for a only a few minutes when my phone rings, vibrating in the cupholder where I left it and startling us all. I let go of Mark's hand and pick it up to see Drew's face on the screen.
"We're on our way to Hamilton, we won't be back to school today," I inform my brother.
"You're WHAT?! What in the name of hell is going on?"
"Adam boarded a train, he's headed for New York but I don't think that's his final destination. I don't know where he's going or what he intends to do but we're trying to catch him in Hamilton. Call Spinner, and Jay tell them we're going after Adam and we'll come home when we have him," I say with a firm stipulation. I know that Mark will drive all the way to New York with me if that's what it takes, he'll find a way to sneak me across the border and follow Adam to wherever he's going and I won't even have to ask. Anya I don't know about, she could get a bus or train back to Toronto when we get to Hamilton, this really isn't her chase I dragged her into it. I dragged Mark into it too but that's different, Mark would do anything for me and I know that, anything for Adam or any of us. Anya's interest in my brother is fairly new, I wonder how far she's truly willing to go for him? I suppose we'll find out today.
"I'll go talk to Spin, and call Jay. Be careful I'm not losing you both. Fitz is with you right?"
"Yes, and Anya too."
"Keep in touch," Drew requests with a pleading tone and I know he's very worried.
"I will." I hang up with Drew and the drive to Hamilton seems to take forever. It's only an hour's drive and Mark is driving above the speed limit so we reach the train station in under an hour. To me though it seemed like an eternity. With no way of knowing if we've made it in time for the train Mark pulls up to the front again so Anya and I can get out. We run in and straight to the ticketing desk. "Train 42 from Toronto has it arrived?"
"It's still on the track, leaving in ten minutes."
"I need on that train. My brother is on that train."
"No one on the train without a ticket."
"Then give me a ticket to the next stop," I reply quickly.
He rings it up and I pay the money, he gives me my ticket and I run to the gate to get on that train. I have to find Adam fast, before the train leaves hopefully. I rush through aisles looking for him and finally spot him. He looks up at me, he knows I'm here and I see a defeated look cross his face.
"Off the train Adam," I command.
"I have to do this Clare," he replies looking away.
"Excuse me," I say to the lady sitting between him and the aisle, reaching across her to pull my brother from his seat. "Off the train, if you thought what you were doing was a good idea then you wouldn't have snuck out and run. Off this train or I'm going with you, either way I am not leaving you. Whatever you were thinking you cannot do it Adam! Please get off the train with me," I plead with my twin just as they announce the train is leaving in two minutes and the doors are closing.
"I'd listen to your girlfriend Dear, sounds like a decision made in haste and those are rarely good," the woman that was sitting next to him says.
"My sister actually, but I will listen," Adam says and I grin.
I rush us to the doors and an employee lets us out. Holding firmly to Adam's hand I walk us over to Mark and Anya waiting near the gate. Mark hugs Adam tightly and then Anya does the same. We say nothing until we're outside near Mark's car. There's a light dusting of snow, all of us besides Adam ran without jackets but I'm too angry to be cold just now.
"Adam, what on earth were you thinking? Where were you going? How could you just run like that?! This is nothing like me disappearing in the middle of the night to wander the neighborhood or sneaking away to Guelph or to TJCS to see Mark, you were trying to leave the country! You didn't tell anyone where you were going or what you were doing? What if something had happened to you Adam!"
"I'm sorry," he apologizes looking down. "I wasn't really thinking. I told myself I'd be happier when it was done and if I was happier then you'd all be happier with me."
"When what was done Adam?" I question but my voice is tight with anxiety and anger.
"The surgery," he tells me.
It takes a second to know what he means and then I feel the breath leave my body. A million thoughts run through my mind and I sink down. "Adam." It's all I can say. Mark sinks down with me putting an arm around me.
"Surgery? What surgery Adam? And why would you leave the country for it?" Anya inquires.
"Gender reassignment surgery," Adam confesses.
"Adam!" Anya gasps and then she does something that surprises us all, she slaps him! "You…you…you total moron! You wouldn't be able to do that in the states, not without a parent and a lot of money so where were you going? Where were you trying to run to do this surgery and why on earth would you!"
"Maya never loved me."
"So you what? Thought getting a surgery in another country under who knows what conditions and risk to your health and life was the answer?"
"I'm a guy, I thought Maya saw that but she had sex with someone else, was carrying his child and then killed herself."
"Having a dangerous surgery would not bring her back Adam, or change any of that, and you could have been killed, or is that what you wanted?" Anya questions.
Adam is shocked and looks more hurt than when she slapped him. "No, I didn't want…" his words drift away with his breath and he looks down before meeting Anya's eyes. "I only wanted to be complete."
"And what makes you think you're not complete now? That Maya couldn't see you as you truly are, or didn't fully understand that you are 100% a guy is her failing. You are who you are Adam, a wonderful boy. Yes, at some point to physically be male and not female you'll need a surgery. When your body is ready and under the right conditions with the right doctor. You can't bring Maya back, no matter what you do. And if you can't see how wonderful you are and that there are other girls besides Maya then you're a bigger idiot than I thought Adam Mason!" Anya tells him and then does something else shocking. She grabs Adam by the face and kisses him, it's hard but it's passionate. Even from my position on the ground I see my brother react, I also feel the swell of happiness and surprise that comes from him.
Mark helps me up, wrapping his arms around me and holding me to him. Not because the kiss between my brother and Anya is bringing back memories, but rather because I'm shivering in the cold and he's trying to keep me warm. When Anya breaks the kiss Adam looks shocked, his cheeks are flushed.
"Well, I don't think Adam will be leaving now and we should be getting home. Don't you think Adam? Clare is freezing," Mark comments.
"Huh? Uh yeah, let's go home," Adam nods.
Mark unlocks the car and we get in, he gets it started but then gets out and goes to the trunk. Adam takes off his coat and gives it to Anya because she's also shivering. Mark returns with a blanket and gives it to me, I wrap it around me and Mark begins driving. When the engine has been running a few minutes he turns the heater on so we can all warm up. The hour long drive back to Toronto goes by much faster than the drive to Hamilton, we ride in silence all the way to our house. School is out, just got out a short time ago but everyone is here. Drew's car, Spinner's, Jay's, Jeff's, Lucas' Owen's and Sean's cars are either in the driveway or on the street by our house. Adam let's out a heavy breath, he knows that pretty much everyone in the house is going to hug him and then lecture him. We get out of the car and go inside, I lead the way still wrapped in Mark's blanket. Mark is behind me, Anya behind him still with Adam's jacket on and finally Adam.
Drew and Spinner are the first to rush over and hug Adam. Careful of his cast they hug him as tightly as they can. Spin was supposed to close tonight, he was working a double because someone was sick, so he must have gotten someone to cover for him. Jay hugs Adam next, then K.C. and Jenna and so on until everyone assembled has either hugged or greeted Adam and told him they're glad he's safe.
"Hang on, before you yell at me," Adam says stopping Spin as he opens his mouth. Adam turns to look at me and then Jeff, he came to stand by me after greeting Adam. "Jeff take my sister out of here, get her out for a bit," Adam requests.
"I'm not leaving you," I assert.
"I'm not leaving, I can't go anywhere and you can yell at me later. Go out with Jeff it will be better for both of us," Adam urges.
"Adam's right, let's go get something to eat," Jeff says.
"Okay, I'll get my coat." I hand Mark his blanket and kiss him. I don't care what anyone thinks he did a lot today without any questions. I'd kiss Anya too but I don't think she'd like that so I hug her instead. I grab my coat from the closet, Drew and Bianca brought all my stuff home. I'm sure Jeff got Anya's and Bianca probably got Mark's. I leave with Jeff, getting in his car and he begins driving.
"Why was Adam on a train to Hamilton?" Jeff asks after a few silent minutes. I burst into tears, it's silly but I can't help it. Jeff pulls over, I hear him unbuckling his seatbelt and then his arms are around me and I'm crying on his chest. Jeff doesn't say anything but he holds me and that's what I need. When my tears dry he kisses my forehead and begins driving again. He stops at a little Italian restaurant we've been to before, we go in and get a quite booth. I order lasagna, comfort food, and since I haven't eaten since breakfast I'm pretty sure I can eat it all.
"He was trying to get to Mexico or South America possibly he never actually said. Gender reassignment surgery," I tell Jeff. Answering the question he asked me in the car before I burst into tears.
"A sex change?"
"Yes, we all knew it would come someday but he's not ready. No reputable doctor in Canada or the states would do it at Adam's age. It's too dangerous during puberty because of the changes in the body already. You have to be at least eighteen and they usually recommend being even older than that so your mind and body are matured. It's not really something you can go back on once you've made the decision."
"I'm guessing Adam knew all this?"
"Yes, he's been seeing a therapist and doctors since he first told us he was a boy. I'm also sure it's been discussed in the LGBTQIA meetings. I understand that he wanted to be male in body and mind but it would have been incredibly dangerous. His reasoning seems to be that because Maya cheated on him she really didn't see him as a boy. He thought getting this surgery now would fix that, make everyone see who he feels he is inside. Thank heavens Anya was with us, I know I grabbed her and pulled her away from school but we did need her there. Mark and I could have gotten Adam home but I doubt that we could have gotten him to listen, to truly listen and gotten through to him but I believe she did."
"Then I'm very glad she was with you and I'm sure Anya is too," Jeff smiles putting his arm around me, we're sitting next to each other in the booth so he's able to.
Our food is brought and I eat every bite including the garlic bread. We linger at the restaurant, sipping our drinks and after a while Jeff orders us coffee and dessert. I eat all of my dessert too, savoring every bite. You'd think I'd have been starving with all I ate, I probably ate more in this one sitting than I do in an average day. Now that Adam is safe, and Anya got through to him, the crisis is averted and the food is what I need. After a couple of hours at the restaurant we leave but we don't return home yet, Jeff drives us down to the harbor. We sit and watch the water, the boats and the sky but we don't talk much. A couple of times he turns and looks like he's going to say something but changes his mind. Eventually he begins the car again and takes us back to my house.
"Did you want to ask why I went to Mark and not you or why I kissed him?" I finally question. These are the two things I can think of that he might want to ask and then change his mind about.
"Am I that obvious?" Jeff asks and I shrug.
"I've been around a lot of guys all my life I know how their minds work I guess. Before I answer are you worried, or jealous?"
"I'm not worried about why you went to Fitz to find Adam and not me. And I don't know that I have a right to be jealous that you kissed him when I kissed you more than once while you were still dating him."
"You have a right to be jealous," I speak up before he says anything else, "but no reason to be. I kissed him because he did a lot today, because he left with me without any questions or saying a word. He drove for over two hours, was supportive and with me, because he wrapped me in a blanket when I was shivering. It was a grateful kiss and nothing more. If he hadn't been on his spare when I knew Adam was missing someone else would have been driving."
"Then you aren't mad that I'm a little jealous that you kissed him, in front of everyone?"
"I'd be very surprised if you weren't but I didn't kiss him to make you jealous. If I want you to get jealous believe me you'll know. Adam was right though, it's best that I went out with you instead of staying at the house," I reply and lean over to kiss his cheek. Jeff grins and takes my hand, he holds it for the last few minutes of the drive.
When we arrive at my house just about everyone is still here and Paige has arrived home from work. Emma also appears to be here, so does Johnny which makes our whole group. At least when we go in the house things seem to be calm. Though I don't see Adam in the living room.
"He's in his room," Drew tells me.
I kiss Jeff and go into Adam's room. He's with Spin and they're talking but they stop when they see me. Spin hugs Adam and then messes my hair before he leaves the room.
"I've heard it all already," Adam tells me.
I sit on the bed next to my twin and put an arm around him. "I'm not going to yell, or lecture but you scared me Adam. You probably wouldn't have come back."
"Yeah I know I wasn't thinking and I'm sorry," Adam sighs putting his head on my shoulder.
"You learned your lesson?"
"Yes, I'll never do that again."
"Good. I'm really glad we had Anya with us because I don't think we would have gotten through to you otherwise."
"I am too, and I have a date with her next Saturday," Adam grins.
"Well some good did come out of today then."
"Yes, and Spinner says he'll look into a doctor so we can discuss hormone therapy. There have been some advances I might be able to start soon, and still be safe about it."
"That's good Adam, I'm happy for you. I want you to be who you feel you are inside and out."
"I thought it was all over when Maya killed herself, cheated on me. I thought if she didn't truly love me then no one would or could. I was wrong, I see that now and I'll never scare you like that again."
"You'd better not."
(OWEN)
"Good morning," I greet Vanessa leaning on the locker next to hers Friday morning.
"Hi," she smiles at me.
"So, since there's no game this week and we had practice this morning my mom wanted to invite you to dinner. If you think your parents can watch Rocky? Tristan's boyfriend Zane is coming to dinner too so it won't just be you."
"I'd love to come to dinner, and I have something to ask you. Rocky wants to go Playground Paradise tomorrow and I was hoping you'd come with us?" Vanessa asks.
"I would love to," I grin.
"Great, Rocky will be very excited. What time should I come to dinner tonight?"
"Dinner is at six but you can come any time before that," I tell her and she grins. I stay with Vanessa until the bell rings and walk her to class before going to my homeroom native studies class. After a video we're broken into pairs to work on the assignment and I'm paired with Bianca. "How's Adam doing?" I ask her.
"Better, he and Jay left for the beach house this morning. Adam promised to call Clare when they arrived."
"I'm surprised she didn't go with them."
"She almost did," Bianca says and I laugh. "You know he's got a date with Anya next Saturday," Bianca comments as we start working.
"It's about time. I think Anya will be good for him," I comment.
"I think so too, Clare said Anya was really able to get through to Adam yesterday."
"You think Clare will survive the weekend with Adam gone after yesterday?"
"Well, Jeff is going to Guelph for the weekend and Clare's going with him so I think she'll be too distracted to worry," Bianca replies.
"Spinner and Drew actually agreed to let Clare go home with Jeff for the weekend?"
"Yes well Dallas is riding down with them and Samantha is also going to her parents for the weekend, and she's bringing Johnny."
"Yeah, that makes more sense," I nod and Bianca laughs.
We finish our work and hand it in just before the bell. Drew and I walk to second period since we have it together. At lunch I find Vanessa at her locker and she eats lunch with us, Jeff is eating with us too, sitting next to Clare of course. I only have one class after lunch and a spare for fourth period, Drew has the same spare and we spend it doing homework. After school Vanessa finds me and says she'll be over around five. Tris and Zane are both coming home with me, they spend the afternoon watching TV. I take a shower and clean up a little in preparation for Vanessa's arrival. After cleaning up and changing into somewhat nicer clothes I go downstairs and set the table, when the doorbell rings I know it's Vanessa because Dad wouldn't ring the bell.
"You look very nice," I smile greeting her with a kiss before stepping aside so she can come in.
"So do you," Vanessa grins.
"Mom this is Vanessa," I introduce them bringing Vanessa into the kitchen.
"It's wonderful to meet you Vanessa," Mom grins hugging Vanessa.
"You too Mrs. Milligan," Vanessa smiles, "can I help with anything?"
"Not a thing to help with, dinner is in the oven and Owen set the table just make yourself at home Dear."
Vanessa says hi to Tris and Zane then I show her around the house and we end in my room. We hang out in my room talking until Mom calls us down for dinner. Vanessa meets my dad and I do the gentleman thing and pull out her chair for her. I told my parents that Vanessa was a mom and I've told them about Rocky, so I expect them to ask Vanessa a lot of questions about it but they don't, they ask a little about Rocky and then ask Vanessa about school and her other interests. After dinner Vanessa offers to clean up but Mom won't hear of it so I tell them I'm taking Vanessa out for dessert.
"That was fun, your parents are very nice," Vanessa grins when we're in my car.
"Thanks, I'm glad you could make it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with you and Rocky," I reply.
"You may regret saying that, Rocky has a lot of energy and he can tire you out," Vanessa laughs.
We go to The Dot for dessert, not a place to be alone but a good place to see friends. Dallas is here, so is Spinner who's working, Craig and Dave are here and Jenna is here but not K.C. which is odd. Vanessa and I order and sit down at a table when it clears, we eat dessert and talk to a lot of people, hanging out until I need to get Vanessa home for her curfew. I walk her to her door and kiss her goodnight telling her I'll be back at ten tomorrow morning to get her and Rocky.
I am indeed at their door at three minutes to ten the next morning. When I ring the bell it gets thrown open and Rocky is standing there smiling.
"Hey Buddy," I greet him.
"Hiowen," Rocky says so fast the words don't separate.
"You ready to go play?"
"Yeah," Rocky nods happily excited.
"Rock you need your coat," Vanessa calls to him. "Please come in Owen we'll be ready in a few minutes."
I smile and step inside closing the door behind me. She gets his coat on, then hers and grabs her purse. She tells me where's to find Rocky's car seat and I grab it, I let her install the car seat and get Rocky in though. As soon as Vanessa gets his shoes and socks off Rocky is off and playing. We sit down to where we can see him, at least mostly in this vast indoor playground. Vanessa was right he has a ton of energy, he runs around for three hours straight, calling to us to look at him and watch him every few minutes. He also calls for us to come over to catch him when he goes down the slide and things. Until finally he runs over and says that he's hungry so I take us out for pizza. Rocky eats two slices and then falls asleep at the restaurant, he even stays asleep when Vanessa gets him into the car but wakes up when I pull up to their house and she tries to get him out of his car seat.
"Owen stay?" Rocky asks sleepily as Vanessa carries him into the house.
"You need a bath before dinner but I'm sure Owen will come back," Vanessa replies.
"Of course I will Buddy," I grin tousling his hair and he grins.
"Thanks for coming with us I had a great time today, both of us did," Vanessa smiles.
"I did too," I smile unsure if I should kiss her in front of Rocky or not. Vanessa gives me a soft but quick kiss and my grin widens a little. "I'll see you at school, see you later Rocky." I wave to them, leaving and driving home with a smile on my face.
Update soon which will probably begin with Clare, Jeff, Samantha, Johnny and Dallas leaving for Guelph earlier this same day. Next story to go up is the premier of Live in My House I'll be Your Shelter.