Mothers Chapter 24

Learning to be okay

Faith's POV

This is really hard.

I move to avoid a headstone as B and I walk through the graveyard on patrol.

We've been spending a lot of time together over the past few weeks, and it's times like these that make it hard. Walking through the graveyard, I can't help but think that my daughter is buried a couple blocks east of here in another cemetery. It's hard knowing that, and even if I can live with what I did, it's still hard to do. It hurts to know that she's gone. And it can be even worse when B and I spend time together. Most of the time, things are okay with us. We can do stuff like watch TV or movies and just spend time with each other. It's really nice just being regular people together. But every so often something happens that reminds one or both of us of Dawn and things get tense between us.

Buffy avoids her own headstone like I did a minute ago and I feel the chain around my neck move as I swerve away from her to stay in step. I grab the chain under my shirt and feel the ring hanging off it.

I put Dawn's ring on a chain so I could carry it wherever I go. So I could have a piece of our daughter wherever I go. It makes the awkwardness feel worthwhile, knowing that wherever Dawn is, she loves us and wants us to be okay. It's a comfort in a lot of ways. I'll be thinking about Dawn or one of those awkward moments between us will happen and I just feel the need to hold it in my hand to feel better.

I let go of the ring as we continue through the cemetery.

It probably won't ever be used in the way that Dawn intended it to be used though. Dawn got us an engagement ring because she thought that us getting married would be the ultimate expression of our love. But after everything that's happened, there isn't really a love to express, and I would never give this to anyone else. It would destroy the memory of our daughter and the love B and I used to share. I would never do that to either of them. I'd like to fall in love again. I'd like to find someone to love some day, but I'd never use her ring on anyone I might meet. I would never do anything to hurt the memory of Dawn.

I look around the cemetery, not seeing anything.

I don't think we've seen a whole vampire all night. It's weird.

"Looks like the cemetery's pretty dead tonight B..."

She rolls her eyes and kinda smiles at me.

"It's a cemetery Faith, of course it's dead."

I smile back and we fall into silence together for a few moments as we continue through the graveyard. She gets this thoughtful look on her face.

"Is everything okay?"

She looks to me at my question.

"Yeah, I guess."

She forces herself to smile before going back to scanning the area.

"All right, I just asked because we haven't really talked in a couple of days and I wanted to make sure that everything was fine."

"It is..."

After a few moments, she continues.

"I'm just not sure it should be."

I watch her as her head drops and she stares at the ground in front of her while we walk.

"What do you mean?"

She takes a deep breath.

"My mom is gone."

She pauses and I give her the time to say what she wants.

"There's a lot of things I wish I could've done with her before she died. I told you about a lot of them, remember?"

She looks over at me for a split second and I nod.

"But, I'm starting to feel like... like I can be okay with not doing them with her. It's like... it's okay that she's gone and... I feel horrible about it."

I reach over and stop our patrol. She looks at me, upset, tears starting to form in her eyes.

"B..."

"She's my mom Faith. How can I be okay with the fact that she's gone?"

I'm not really sure what to say to that. I want to say something but I don't know what. We've spent so much time together and talked about so much, and still I don't know how to help her when she needs it.

"If you feel that bad about it, why don't we help you go and be with her?"

My head snaps to the right to the vamp who just spoke and I see he's got at least 5 friends with him.

"Yeah, then you can ask her yourself."

B and I look left and another six vamps are coming at us from that direction. Two more voices come from behind us, both part of a single group of 6.

"I like that plan."

"Me too..."

I look at B as they surround us. She's wiping the tears from her eyes and trying to get into slayer mode.

This is EXACTLY what we needed right now.

I scan the perimeter to see if any more vamps are coming.

It doesn't look like it.

"Don't talk about my mother that way."

My eyes drift to B as she speaks rather shakily. She pulls out a stake and I decide to do the same, given the situation.

"Fine, tell us where she's buried and we'll go dig her up and play with her a bit. Make it a happy family reunion."

I can tell by the look on B's face that they just said the wrong thing. The tears are coming back but I can see a whole lot of anger behind them. I grip my stake tightly.

I'm not exactly happy about what they're saying myself.

"You're gonna pay for that."

You tell 'em B.

"We'll see..."

The vamps from the right come at us, but the rest of them hang back.

What's up with that?

The first vamp comes at me and I duck the wide swing he throws. I fire back with a gut shot that sends him stumbling back a few steps as a second vamp moves in. I catch a glimpse of B sidestepping a charging vamp as I use a spin kick to take vamp #2 off his feet. As soon as I'm upright again, vamp #1 attacks me again. I dodge the first two punches but the third one connects with my jaw. I shake it off quick enough to block the next two which leaves his midsection wide open and I plunge my stake deep into his heart.

He explodes into dust and I immediately turn to vamp #2 who is just getting up. The sound of a vamp turning to dust hits my ears as I swing my leg out into a side kick and he catches it in mid air. He smiles at me like he's already won the fight, but I can feel a vamp coming up behind me and twist myself at the last second by the waist. The vamp behind me is caught off guard as I drive the stake into his chest and he explodes. As the dust scatters I can see Buffy staking another vamp. I notice that the other vamps are still standing around when I twist back, my foot still in his hands.

He lifts my leg and I brace myself for a back flip but instead of trying to flip me, he steps forward. It throws me off balance, sending me hard to the ground.

Ow!

His grip loosens as I hit and after I recover I do a half break dance to scissor kick his legs out from under him. I scramble on top of him while he's trying to come back from the pain and stake him. I turn around and get up after watching vamp #2 become dust. B finishes off her last vamp and we move to protect each other as we face off against the rest of them who still haven't moved. We stand back to back and scan the rest of the vampires surrounding us. I hear B sniffle and see her wipe her eyes out of the corner of my eye.

"You okay?"

She nods her head.

"Yeah, I just... really need to kick some undead ass."

I look at our surroundings.

"I don't think that'll be a problem."

The leader of one of the other groups of six steps forward.

"In the name of Omega, you must die."

Not this again.

Six more of them come at us.

Why aren't more of them attacking at once? I don't mind this many but it doesn't make sense as far as a strategy.

B and I move away from each other so we have room to fight. Two vamps spread out to either side of me and I get into a fighting stance to fend them both off. They come at me, full speed. I wait till they're close and then leap forward into a rolling somersault, avoiding their grasp. I'm on my feet and facing them in seconds. Before they can react I attack them both, landing a flurry of punches while going back and forth between them with each one that connects. After getting in a few good hits they start to block or dodge my fists so I back up.

I see B knock down one of her vamps and he lands not too far from the vamp on my left. I rush my left vamp and deliver a swift kick to his gut, sending him toppling over his fallen counterpart. I turn my attention to my other vampire attacker as he comes forward. He throws the first four punches which I block quickly but the fifth comes out of nowhere and I stumble backwards, holding my gut to brace the pain. I fire back with a flurry of my own fists, ending it with a spinning back fist to the face.

I follow up with a roundhouse kick that leaves him seriously dazed. An uppercut to his chin opens him up to the stake I thrust deep into his heart. Once he's a pile of dust I turn to the other vampire I was dealing with. He and his friend are up and into attack mode. I hear the sounds of two vamps dusting as I hit the first to come at me with a side kick to the face, taking him off his feet. I get close enough to the fallen vamp to raise my stake but his buddy tries to save him. He sends me back a few steps with a backhanded uppercut to the face when I lean forward to stake his friend.

I back up quickly to regroup and let him attack first. He swings his fists at me hard and fast, but I manage to duck and weave my way out of his reach. Deflecting a pair of punches with my open palm, I start to fight back.

Come on Faith, you can do this.

My fists connect with his twisted face repeatedly and it throws him off balance enough for me to jam something pointy and wooden into his chest. I let the dust fall while I listen to the sound of another vamp dusting at B's hands. As the final vamp begins to stand I take a few deep breaths to focus and then hurl my stake at him, hitting him square in the heart. B and I come back together as we face the remaining six vamps to attack us. Both of our breathing has become heavy but I can hear the need to cry in Buffy's broken breaths.

"You wanna bail? I think I can hold them off for a minute."

She shakes her head.

"Not after what they said about digging up my mom. I want them gone."

She pulls out a new stake and holds it in front of her.

I guess that's what we'll do then.

I take one of my own stakes out from under my jacket and beckon them forward with my free hand.

"Come on..."

One of them heads straight at me while the others spread out. I keep what little distance I can between us but he uses a headstone as a springboard and lunges at me. He comes down onto me and I force the momentum in my favor. I raise my feet to me then into his stomach and catapult him over a few graves. I get up quickly. B's a couple feet over dealing with two vamps while the other 3 focus on me. I move to the vamp in the middle but he decides to strike and I'm smacked in the jaw by a fist.

Damn it!

I deflect the follow up punch and fire back with my own. His two friends on either side of me attack to protect him but I do a back flip to avoid their fists and my feet kick out mid flip, hitting the middle vamp in his face. As soon as I'm upright again I launch my stake into the middle one's chest and he explodes into dust. I take out another stake as the two remaining vamps prepare to attack. The vamp I threw away earlier makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as he comes up behind me. A pair of arms try to grab me but I catch them and do a half turn to hit him with an elbow to the stomach followed fast by a back fist to the face. While he's dazed, I grab him by the right arm at the shoulder and wrist, tossing him head first into one of the two remaining vamps.

With those two in a heap on the ground, I turn my attention to the only one of the three still standing. We exchange fists and I can hear the sound of a vamp turning to dust behind me. I try for a roundhouse kick but he jumps back, out of reach. He closes the gap again quickly and comes at me with a pair of punches and a side kick. I grab his foot to avoid the impact with my ribs and twist it at the ankle hard, nearly breaking it. He screams at the pain in his ankle and it only gets worse when he tries to stand on it out of habit. I hit him with a few more jabs to the face and ribs which takes him off his feet. Wasting no time, I crouch down next to him and stake him.

I get up and turn to the last two vamps that are only now getting up. The first one faces off against me as the other gets up. I lead with a threesome of punches, two of which connect and add a spinning roundhouse on the end. He's off his feet quickly and I bury my stake in his ribs. I hear another vamp dusting as I stand up.

Just as I look to the final vamp to attack us I see a stake go flying through the air and into his chest, exploding him. I follow where the stake came from and my eyes fall on B, frozen at the end of her throw a few feet away. I look over the cemetery to make sure there's no one else and then close the gap between us.

"Buffy?"

She's still frozen in place. Her breathing keeps getting heavier, trying desperately to keep her tears in. I touch her shoulder and it snaps her out of her freeze. She immediately turns to me and wraps her arms around me, breaking into tears. I hold her to me as she buries her face in my shoulder.

"Mommy..."

She squeezes me to her harder and I just hold her.

I'm not really sure what else I can do. She's still in a lot of pain, no matter how much better she might be doing. The pain doesn't ever go away, but you learn to live with it. I just wish I could do more to help her through it all.

I look around and move her over to the nearest tombstone.

"Let's sit down."

Buffy sits down on the edge and I join her.

"Talk to me B..."

She stares at her feet for a few moments.

"I... I hate that I feel this way."

"What way?"

She breathes deep.

"Like it's all right that she's gone. I shouldn't feel this way."

"Shouldn't you?"

"No I... she was my mom Faith. I... god I'm even talking about her in the past tense now."

She leans forward, her face falling into her hands.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

I put my hand on her shoulder.

"There's nothing wrong with you B."

She looks up at me for a second before looking down at the ground.

"Then why do I feel this way? I've lost my mom, my sister, and my daughter... both within a matter of months of each other. How can I just, be okay with that?"

"But you're not okay with it Buffy. If you were you wouldn't feel so bad about being okay with the fact that they're gone. You wouldn't have spent the last few weeks in so much pain."

She wipes the tears out of her eyes.

"I guess. I just, I feel like I should..."

"Spend the rest of your life grieving for them?"

We fall into silence together as she doesn't respond to my question.

"Look, you said it yourself a couple weeks ago. Your mom wouldn't want you to spend your life crying for her, and neither would Dawn. They'd want you to find a way to move on and be happy, and that's what you're doing. You're doing what they would want you to do. You shouldn't feel bad about that."

She sniffles a little and then looks at me.

"I can't help it. They meant so much to me."

I smile.

"I know B, they meant a lot to me too. It's all right to feel happy though. It's what they would've wanted."

She smiles through her sad look.

"You're right... it is what they would've wanted. It's just hard."

"I get it."

I stand up and face her after a few silent moments.

"You know, I think I've had enough action for one night, how about you?"

She gets up next to me and smiles again.

"A couple nights, at least..."

We should try and do something fun.

I put my arm over her shoulders.

"Hey, let's do something fun eh?"

"I could do with some fun. What did you have in mind?"

We start walking to leave the cemetery.

"Hmm... how about we rent some movies, maybe order some pizza?"

"Sounds like fun to me."

"That's kinda the point B."

She forces a chuckle. We get about 10 feet from leaving the cemetery and all of the sudden the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

What the hell is that?

I stop and B looks at me with a questioning look.

"What is it?"

"You feel that?"

She freezes and tries to feel it.

"I think so, can't figure out what it is though."

"Neither can I. It feels like the same thing I felt the last time we were attacked."

"You think there was more of them, maybe a couple watching the fight?"

"No, it's different."

I look around and scan the area. I get this really bad feeling coming from a crypt a few feet to our right.

"I think they're behind that crypt."

B pulls out a stake and we break apart.

"Let's go."

My thoughts exactly B.

We make our way over to the crypt, slowly at first but the closer we get the quicker we walk. As we get to one end, we both exchange a look and take off quickly to the other side. The thing that was watching us tries to take off as I get around the crypt but I grab it and shove it against the back of the crypt. I grab it by the throat as B comes around the corner. I look at whatever's been watching us.

Oh my god!

"MOM!?"

End of Chapter 24