No. NO. Lexa was NOT supposed to be holding hands with her roommate. It didn't matter that Clarke had initiated it (damn her), or that both girls had enjoyed it. Lexa was heading into dangerous territory that there was no turning back from.
She wanted to cry. She wanted to run. But all she could do was sit on her bed and stare blankly down at her feet. Her stomach was nauseous. It felt like her anxiety was choking her.
"You okay?" Clarke asked, sitting next to her on the bed.
"Yeah," Lexa mumbled. "Just a little freaked out by the movie I guess," she lied.
To Lexa's horror, Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa and hugged her. Lexa sat frozen with fear. "I'm sorry," Clarke whispered. "We don't have to watch horror movies."
That soft, whispering voice made the hair on the back of Lexa's neck stand up. A shiver ran down her body. Oh god, Clarke was so close. All Lexa wanted to do was close the distance and make those lips hers.
Luckily, Clarke pulled away before Lexa lost her self-control. Lexa was relieved until Clarke stood and said, "I should change."
Clarke pulled some clothes out of the drawer and threw them on her bed. With her back to Lexa, she slipped her shirt over her head, revealing her tanned back. She undid the clasp of her bra and slid on a pajama shirt. Then, Clarke undid the button of her jeans, slid them off, and exposed her long legs. She put on a pair of pajama pants, and Lexa quickly looked away so Clarke wouldn't realize she had been staring. As quickly as she could, Lexa changed into her own pajamas and threw herself onto her bed. She face-planted into her pillow and threw the covers over her head.
"Lexa?" Clarke asked. "Are you sure you're okay?"
Lexa felt Clarke's weight pressing down on the mattress again. A gentle hand was placed on Lexa's back, and she flinched in surprise. She came out from under her covers and looked Clarke in the eye, blushing. "It's just this whole thing with Ontari," she said. "It's got my nerves on edge."
"I can imagine," Clarke said, absentmindedly rubbing Lexa's back.
'I could tell her right now that I love her,' Lexa thought. 'But then I'd lose her forever.'
Lexa shivered under Clarke's touch. It was everything she wanted and everything she couldn't have. Lexa hadn't realized how starved for love she had been since Costia's death, and now here she was, throwing herself at the first person to show her any kindness. It was pathetic.
A tear leaked out as Lexa ruminated over her feelings for Clarke. "Hey," Clarke said gently, wiping the tear from her face. "It'll be okay."
Lexa knew better. Nothing would ever be okay again.
She nodded, not in the mood to argue. Between Ontari and Clarke, Lexa was a mess. She began to shake. Honestly, what was happening to her?
Clarke wrapped her up in her arms and whispered gently in her ear. "You're having another panic attack. You need to breathe."
For the next few minutes, all Lexa focused on was breathing. She focused so hard that she didn't notice when the blonde girl passed out beside her or the oncoming blackness, taking her over and shutting her down.