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Ch. 62 Burning the Daylight Into A Pastime
(CLARE)
I wake up panting, drenched in sweat, the last of the nightmare vanishing from my mind. I'm left shaking, with no clear recollection of what had me so terrified. After a few deep breaths, my breathing and heart rate slow, and now I realize my mouth feels very dry. I get up to get some water, leaving my room quietly. It's still very dark out, must be two or three in the morning. I walk as quietly as I can through the living room, hoping that I don't wake Jay. Opening the fridge for some light, before I open the cupboard to get a glass. Glancing at the clock on the microwave see that it's almost three.
"Clare?" Jay's voice questions from behind me. His voice is rough, graveled by sleep, but he sounds more worried that I'm up than curious as to why.
"Just thirsty, you can go back to bed," I tell him. I start pouring water into a glass and Jay is watching me. When I put the water back in the fridge he brushes a curl behind my ear, I know he feels how much I'm sweating.
"Do you have a fever?" Jay questions.
"No, I woke up after a bad dream, that's all. I was sweating because of the dream," I tell him.
"I'm going to get the thermometer," Jay tells me.
I know that if I argue with him he'll just go wake Spinner, so I sit on the sofa, turn on the TV and wait for him to return. I turn the volume down and Jay returns with the thermometer. Just as I find a good movie on TV the thermometer beeps.
"Okay, 98.4, no fever."
"I told you, I woke up from a bad dream, that's why I was sweating."
"I know what you said, I know you well enough not to take your word. You think you can get back to sleep?"
"No."
"You want to talk about the nightmare?"
"Don't remember it."
"You want to tell me why you bit into your cheek?" Jay inquires. I shake my head, I already talked with Spin and Adam. I think Bianca had her suspicions it was about Mark and Marisol, but she didn't ask. Drew left work a little early to come home, and watched me most of the night, but he never asked. I'm sure he asked Adam at school. "Alright, get comfy," Jay says putting a blanket over me.
He puts his arm around me and we watch the movie in silence, Jay eventually falls back to sleep. I'm still awake when the movie is over, and it's a little after four. Spinner is opening this morning, I hear him come out of his bedroom. He gives me a look when he sees me on the sofa with Jay. It's not a look that says he's worried that something happened between us last night, he knows better than that. No, just a look of worry that I'm on the sofa with Jay very early in the morning and awake. He goes into the kitchen, I slip out of Jay's arm and follow my brother to the kitchen.
"Did you sleep?" Spin asks as he gets some juice from the fridge.
"Yeah, until I woke up after a nightmare. I came out to get some water and must have woken Jay. He saw me sweating and worried that I had a fever," I tell Spin. He stops pouring his juice and gives me a worried look. "No temp, Jay got the thermometer and everything."
"You want to stay home today?" Spin offers.
"No, I missed yesterday. I've missed a lot of school this year. I should go; besides I'll just be bored sitting at home all day, and you'll get someone to stay with me."
"I'm not letting you stay on your own, I leave you here with your head and heart all in turmoil you're likely to wander off again. Go get ready for school and come up open the café with me. If you do okay this morning, then they can come get you on their way into school. If you don't I'm sending you home," Spinner says.
"Okay," I nod.
I go to my room and get ready for school, Jay wakes up as Spinner and I are leaving. He waves to us and yawns, I'm pretty sure he's getting up. I'm also sure that Spin left a note somewhere that I'm with him, but I text Adam anyway. I help Spin open the café, when his other employees arrive to open I make myself some hot chocolate and sit down. I'm hungry, but I'm not sure what I can eat, the inside of my cheek hurts. Spin has the kitchen staff make me a small bowl of oatmeal, after it cools down to nearly room temperature I'm able to eat it. I'm just finishing the oatmeal when Drew, Bianca and Adam come to get me.
"Just take it easy today, make sure you take your medication. Straight home after school okay?" Spinner insists.
"We'll make sure of it," Drew says.
We go out to his car and he makes the short drive to school. Walking into school together we see Mark and Owen in the foyer.
"You look tired," Owen remarks.
"Just didn't sleep much," I comment.
"How's the cheek?" Mark asks.
"It's fine," I reply. Adam pokes me from behind. His way of saying I need to talk.
"What happened?" Mark queries. Adam pokes me again.
"I slipped," I respond.
"Hey, feeling better?" Jeff asks putting his arm around me. Anya is with him and greets my brother with a kiss.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I smile at my boyfriend greeting him with a soft kiss. "Walk me to my locker?" I request pulling him by the hand. We walk a few steps and he puts his arm around me again.
"So, it must have been like a twenty-four-hour bug yesterday?" Jeff inquires as I open my locker.
"I wasn't sick, Spin was just being cautious. I slipped and bit my cheek, he took me to urgent care and made me go home and rest after."
"Why would you need to go to urgent care after biting your cheek?"
"The mouth is full of bacteria, it may have gotten into my blood stream and could cause an infection. Since the splenectomy I have to be very careful. They gave me antibiotics, and I feel fine, other than the inside of my cheek being sore. I have to go and get blood drawn tomorrow before school though."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jeff asks turning me to look at him.
"I didn't want you to worry," I reply. It's all I can think to say. Jeff gives me a soft kiss and walks me to class. Only our gang knows I went to urgent care yesterday or bit my cheek, so all the teachers and anyone else just asks if I'm feeling better today. I eat lunch with Jeff, Adam, Anya, Drew, Bianca, Owen, Vanessa, K.C. and Jenna.
After lunch is drama, the class that I'm dreading, the one class I have with Mark, it's also the one class I have with Jeff. Drew is also in the class, I plan to sit with him and have him keep the other two away. I can barely face each one on their own, I can't face the two of them together.
"Stay close," I request of Drew as we walk into drama. Jeff went to use the washroom after lunch or he'd be with us.
"I'm thinking I should just lock you in an empty classroom with Fitz so that you'll talk to him," Drew replies.
"I'll talk to him, and Jeff, but I'm not ready yet."
Drew gives me a look, but he purposely sits with me at the end of one sofa, making sure no one else can sit at my other side. By the time Jeff and Fitz get into class our sofa is full, so they have to sit across the room. I don't look at them all through class, and as soon as the bell rings I'm out the door. Fourth period is spent reading from our textbooks, but I read fast and then I'm left with time to think. My brain is not a good place to be right now, and when the bell rings I grab my stuff and tell Adam I'll meet them at the car. I lean against Drew's car, waiting for my brothers and Bianca. My face is up toward the sun, my eyes closed, so when a shadow blocks my sun I expect it to be Drew, and instead find Mark standing over me.
"Shouldn't you be with Marisol," I snap at him.
"She's at cheerleading practice, I think. If you don't want me to go out with her just say so."
"You can go out with whomever you want, I broke up with you to date Jeff."
"Clare…" he begins reaching for me, but I pull away.
"Hey Fitz, you coming over?" Drew inquires as they walk up to the car. I'm not looking at Mark, but I can feel his eyes on me. He's silent for a moment and then lets out a sigh.
"No, I have wrestling," he replies and walks off.
"You have to talk to him Clare," Adam admonishes in a whisper as Drew begins driving us home.
"I know, I will…eventually."
(JAY)
I wake up when I hear the front door and see Clare leaving with Spinner. It's way too early for her to be going to school, the sun is barely up. She must be going with him to open The Dot, guess she never did get back to sleep. I sit up with a yawn, stretch and scratch my head, pull on my jeans and my t-shirt and go into the kitchen. Spin left a note on their bulletin board that Clare is opening with him and to come get her before they go to school. I drink some water, get my shoes on, gather my things and go home to change for work. I spend my drive to work thinking about what to cook for me and Jane tonight. I'm not much of a chef, but I know how to do a few dishes pretty well, I decide since the weather is nice I'll do steaks and veggies on the grill, nice and casual.
"How was your date with Jane last night?" Sean asks when I get into the garage. We're both opening this morning.
"It was good, she still wouldn't tell me why she came home earlier than planned. She kind of did, she said she couldn't handle the stress like Paige. Thing is, she didn't say that until after I had said something about it, I think I gave her the idea, and her real reason for returning remains a mystery."
"Well, it can't remain a mystery forever. Eventually she'll have to tell someone," Sean remarks.
"Yeah, I really hope so. You hear about Clare?"
"Yeah, I called Spinner last night, after hearing from Fitz that she'd gone to urgent care. How is she?"
"Stubborn as always. Had a bad dream last night and wouldn't talk about it. She went with Spin this morning to open, she has to go back tomorrow to get her blood drawn and check for infection. She wouldn't talk about it, but Spin told me it has something to do with Fitz."
"That figures, he's been kind of avoiding the group and lately been hanging out with Marisol. He has no real interest in her, but I guess she's a distraction," Sean says.
The work day goes by pretty fast, we're pretty busy all day. After work I stop at the store to pick up things for dinner, and text Jane to come over whenever she's ready.
"Jay?" I hear her calling into the house just as I've got the grill going.
"Back here," I call back.
She comes through the back door with a smile, "It's a perfect evening for grilling."
"I thought so," I grin.
"Can I help with anything?"
"The vegetables need to be cut and prepped. I'll do the meat, they'll go on together. How was your day?"
"It was fine, had breakfast with Mom before she went to work. Lucas picked me up and we had lunch with Mia and Johnny at U of T. Not much other than that, finished unpacking, took a shower."
"Sounds like a pretty restful day," I reply.
"It was, it felt nice," she says. She's smiling, but there's something in her voice that makes me look at her. An inflection in her tone that sounds like fear. "How was work?" She questions changing the subject quickly.
"Fine, went by pretty quickly we were pretty busy. Plus, the days always go by pretty fast when Sean and I are working the same shift."
I get everything seasoned and, on the grill, it's the kind with two compartments so you can cook veggies and meat. The veggies are in aluminum foil so they will steam. With the food on the grill I grab us both beers and we relax in the backyard while waiting for the food. Jane talks about her lunch with Lucas, Mia and Johnny. Both Mia and Johnny have Finals next week. Mia's started her third trimester and the baby is kicking a lot. She's ready to be able to rest for the summer though.
When the food is almost ready Jane sets the table I have out here. I take the meat out and let it rest, cut it into strips and place the vegetables around the platter.
"Looks and smells wonderful," Jane grins when I set it all on the table.
"Thanks, take as much as you want."
We eat mostly in silence, just enjoying each other, the good weather, the good food. After we're done eating we sit back and sip at our beers, I tell her all the things our gang usually does in a typical summer. Parties, BBQ's, beach days, the lake, Jane says she's looking forward to all of it.
When we've finished our beers we clean up, it doesn't take too long since it's mostly just the dinner dishes. She uses the washroom and then asks if there's dessert when she comes out. I get out the ice cream and we eat out back again, since it's such a nice evening.
"So, you ready to tell me why you came home early?" I inquire after we've finished eating.
"I told you, it was too much stress, I cracked," she replies. Her voice is distant, hard and she won't look at me.
"No, you said you took your finals early. You didn't say anything about not handling the pressure until I suggested it. I know you didn't take the finals early, and I don't think the stress of it all made you crack. If that had been the case then it most likely would have happened in your freshman year or your senior year, not your sophomoreyear," I argue.
"I already told you what happened, and I'm not going to argue about this. If you're not going to believe me then I'm going home," she spits back as she leaps up. She runs into the house and I chase her, grabbing her arm before she reaches the front door.
"Don't leave, I'm sorry Jane I'm just worried about you. Everyone is, you ran away from Stanford, I want to know what happened because I care about you. I want you to talk to me, to trust me," I tell her and then placing my fingers under her chin gently tilt her head up to look at me. "I'm only pushing because I really care about you, and if you're hurting or scared then I want to know and help you."
I can already see the tears glazing her eyes, but now they rupture, she kind of collapses, her forehead falling against my chest. I hold her tight, rub her back lightly, I'm not sure what to say, but this confirms that something is wrong. Something bad happened or she wouldn't be breaking down like this. When her legs start to shake I pick her up and bring her to the sofa. She curls her knees up on the sofa and continues to sob against my chest. I really don't know what to do other than to hold her.
It's not like she's the first girl to every cry against my chest. Maya did a time or two, Clare has several times, Jenna too, even Bianca has. Two differences; one, each of those girls is more like a sister to me, I don't feel the way about them that I do about Jane. And two, in each of those cases I knew who to kill or how to make it better, usually by killing or at least talking sense into someone. This time I have no idea what's going on, I have no idea what to say to comfort her, if I should offer to kill someone, if I need to talk to someone. So, I just continue to hold her.
Eventually, her tears slow, she sniffles a little and sits up rubbing her eyes. I grab a tissue from the box on the coffee table and hand it to her.
"Thanks," she smiles, "I feel so stupid. I never cry like that, I haven't bawled on someone like that since I was a kid. I must look terrible now, I'm going to go freshen up."
She starts to get up and I hold her hand, gently pulling her back to the sofa. She sits down, but she won't look at me.
"You look beautiful as always. Talk to me Jane, tell me what happened please," I beg.
"I can't," she replies in nearly a whisper, "I just…can't, not yet."
"Okay, when you are ready I'm here. I'll be there when you are ready to tell me, no matter the time or what I'm doing. Promise me that when you are ready, when you need someone to listen, you'll tell me?" I request in a gentle voice, and Jane nods. "Do you want to watch a movie or something?"
"Yeah, that sounds good. I really do want to freshen up in the washroom though, I'll be right back," she tells me getting up. When I hear the washroom door close I grab my phone and text Lucas.
Jay: Something definitely happened. Not quite sure what yet, but something, she's not ready to talk, but promised me she'd tell me when she was. I'll keep working on her.
Lucas: Thanks. The possibilities worry me, it's not like Jane to just run.
Jay: Yeah I know. Me too. But she's here and safe. I'll spend as much as time with her as I can. As soon as I know something, you'll know something.
Lucas: Thanks Jay.
I hear Jane coming out of the washroom, so I set my phone down. I turn on the TV we find a good movie and settle in to watch. She doesn't really seem to be watching though, I can see her looking off into the distance. Seems like whatever happened is on her mind, hopefully she'll talk to me soon.
(K.C.)
"Thanks for coming," Caitlin smiles opening the door to the house.
It's Tuesday evening and Mom, Jenna and I are here for dinner. Caitlin called last night and asked if we could come to dinner this evening. Jenna and I have dinner here at least a couple times a week, so we can see Jared. Joey and Caitlin are usually here too, but sometimes we babysit so they can go out. Jenna and I were already scheduled to come to dinner on Thursday and Saturday, so we were a little surprised they wanted us to come tonight and were insistent we bring Mom.
"I'd never miss an opportunity to see Jared," Jenna smiles. I notice Caitlin look back at Joey when Jenna says this, some kind of look passing between them, I'm just not sure what.
"Dinner's almost ready, Jared is fed and in the swing. Please have a seat," Caitlin says closing the door behind us.
We walk through the living room to the dining room, Jared is in his swing, playing with a few toys. He looks up from his toys at all the people, then goes back to his toys. We sit at the table, Joey and Caitlin start putting food on the table, Caitlin asks if we want anything to drink. Joey helps her get the drinks and they sit down. For the first few minutes of dinner it's all small talk, they ask us how school was, they talk about work. When Caitlin is done eating she looks at Joey and takes a deep breath. I know whatever the reason they asked us over here is about to come out.
"We asked you over tonight because I was presented with an amazing job offer on Friday. My own show and being able to produce it myself. I'll be able to choose and follow my own stories. It also comes with a rather large pay raise," Caitlin tells us.
"Caitlin, that's amazing!" Jenna grins.
"Yeah, sounds like a dream job," I smile.
"It is," Caitlin grins, "but it would mean moving to Vancouver."
"And taking Jared," I comment and suddenly am no longer hungry.
"We'd never just run out take Jared. You are his Godparents, all of you are part of his family and we want you to spend time with him. Joey and I spent all weekend discussing if we could even afford to move, how that would look, was it a feasible possibility right now."
"I did some research, I can sell the car lot, put the money into moving. We'd be able to afford a decent apartment in the city or a nice little house in the suburbs. I'd look for another job and, in the meantime, stay home with Jared which would save us money," Joey informs us.
"Sounds like you have it all planned out," Mom comments. I can tell by her voice she's as sad as we are. Jenna takes my hand under the table, she feels it too. No one is eating anymore.
They're leaving and they're taking Jared, but they are his parents, it's their right to move. When we found out Joey and Caitlin wanted to adopt our son, and they asked us to be his Godparents the whole situation seemed to be perfect. We never imagined that they would have reason to move.
"This is a family decision, and you are part of the family, all of you. We won't do anything until you've had time to think about it and discuss it. Whatever happens will impact you and we want your input. It is a great opportunity for me, but I won't be happy unless we all come to an agreement," Caitlin tells us.
"We appreciate that," Mom smiles. Jenna and I still can't speak or move, we're not eating anymore either. Everything is silent for a moment and then Jared starts crying.
"I'll get him," Jenna says leaping out of the chair to get him.
"He's probably hungry again, he's been eating so much lately. Why don't you take him into the living room to feed him and I'll heat a bottle," Caitlin suggests.
Jenna grabs him from the swing and we go into the living room. She cradles him, and I sit next to her. Mom stays in the dining room with Joey, Caitlin brings us a bottle a moment later and then returns to the dining room.
"I don't want to lose him K.C., What are we supposed to? I don't want to lose Jared, if they go to B.C. we'll only see him once or twice a year. But I don't want to tell Caitlin not to take her dream job," Jenna whispers.
"I know, I feel the same, we'll talk to Mom when we get home," I assure my girlfriend. I put an arm around her and watch her feed Jared. After Jared is fed and burped we sit there holding him for a while, until all the adults come into the living room.
"I think the three of us should return home, we have a lot to talk about," Mom says.
I kiss Jared's forehead, Jenna holds him close and reluctantly gives him back to Caitlin. We're silent on the drive home, each of us deep in thought. Even when we get him we're all silent for a moment.
"I think we should consider moving to Vancouver," Mom says breaking the silence.
"Are you serious?" I question.
"If Maya were still with us it would be another story, I wouldn't want to take her from school, her friends, Adam. I've had a lot of trouble being in this apartment, in this town, since she decided to take her own life. I'm sure we could stay with my sister until we found a place, I know there's good schools in Vancouver, I can get a job as a waitress anywhere."
"I've felt the same, it's been really hard to come home, pass Maya's room. School, the places we hang out, it just reminds me of Maya, and how I failed her. Vancouver would be a fresh start, and UBC has a great science program. What do you think Jenna? I don't want to go without you?"
"You and Lisa, Jared, Caitlin and Joey are my family. I'll go wherever you guys go. I'll miss our friends, but a fresh start would be good. It would be nice to start over at a new school and not be the girl who got pregnant, not hear rumors about Maya in the halls."
"I'll call Lauren, see if we can stay with her," Mom says getting up and going to her bedroom to call my aunt.
"We shouldn't tell the others, not yet, not until we know it's really going to happen," Jenna comments.
"Agreed," I nod.
(ADAM)
It was finally Friday, the week felt like it had lasted forever. Starting Monday with Clare running off and the news that Jane was back in town. Clare had her blood drawn Wednesday before school and this morning they told us there was no signs of infection. As a precaution she still had to take the antibiotic until it ran out. Clare still wouldn't talk to Fitz, or Jeff for that matter. She was avoiding Fitz, and he knew it, and she was kind of avoiding Jeff. They'd eat lunch together, spend time together before school and between classes with me and Anya, but she kept him from coming over after school. He did come over yesterday, but a lot of people did, and Clare conveniently put herself between Drew and Owen while we were all in the living room. She avoided going back to her room at all. I was getting frustrated, and I wasn't the only one, some of us were talking about just locking her in a room with Fitz until she talked to him.
Owen had found out Wednesday that Dallas was going to San Jose State,he was happy for his friend, and it didn't bother him that Dallas was moving to California. However, Vanessa and Rocky were going with him, she'd been accepted to Santa Clare University and they both felt it was important for Rocky to be near both parents. Owen understood, he wasn't about to follow her out there, but he'd been mopey since finding out.
Only a few of us had seen Jane since her return, Lucas and Mia obviously. Jay of course, I heard from Owen that Jay and Jane had been getting together every night. Clare had seen her Monday when Lucas and Jane found Clare wandering. Johnny had seen her too, the rest of us had not yet, I'm sure we'd see her soon, but she hadn't been invited tonight.
We all got the same text this morning from K.C. asking for everyone to meet for pizza tonight, that it was important, and they had something to tell us. Spin wasn't working tonight, and neither was Drew. Paige would be off by the time we met for dinner, and Bianca hadn't had any plans. Clare and I had with Jeff and Anya, which we made last week before all this stuff with Fitz came up. I had kind of hoped she'd use the time to talk to Jeff, guess that would have to wait. Everyone else in the gang had said they'd be there, but Jeff and Anya weren't invited. They understood when we'd broken plans, and why they hadn't been invited, Anya said to call her later.
"We should push some tables together in the back, there's going to be a lot of us," K.C. comments when we walk into the pizza place.
"Sixteen of us right? Is Mia coming?" Owen asks.
"No, she's going to Evelyn's to have dinner with her and Jane. We just wanted the core of our group," K.C. replies.
Drew, Owen, K.C. and I get tables pushed together and chairs around them. While we're doing that Clare, Bianca and Jenna are ordering pizza and drinks. Pretty soon everyone is here, sipping pop or beer, chatting about various things with whoever is close to us. Clare is sitting across from me, between Johnny and Lucas, as far from Fitz as she can. The pizza is brought out, everyone grabs slices of what they want.
"Thank you everyone for coming on such short notice," Lisa says loudly now that we're all eating and quiet. "We wanted to tell you all together that in July we will be moving to Vancouver."
"Moving?" Owen questions.
"You're leaving?" Clare asks barely above a whisper.
"Caitlin got a job offer, an amazing one, in Vancouver. She wanted to take it, she and Joey had it worked out, but they didn't want to make a decision without us. Not being able to be around Jared would have been the hardest part, but honestly, since Maya's death things just haven't been the same. Mom, Jenna and I all agree a fresh start may be just what we need. We're going to stay with my aunt, and then look for a house near Joey and Caitlin. I'd already been thinking about going to UBC anyway. And there are some amazing music programs for Jenna," K.C. says.
The table is silent for a moment, no one is eating, I'm not sure what to say. I'm happy for them, a fresh start would be good. In a sense I got one when I began dating Anya. And, I can't blame them for wanting to leave after Maya's suicide, but I will miss my friends.
"We'll miss you guys, but it sounds like it will be a good thing for all of you. Kind of a reset after Maya's suicide," Johnny comments.
"Yes, that's how we feel, all of us," Lisa says.
"I'm happy for you guys," I smile.
Everyone starts talking again, asking questions or telling them it's a good thing. Everyone but Clare that is. She sits in silence a moment, says something quietly to no one in particular, and gets up from the table. I see her walking toward the washroom, I know she's sad. I assume she's going in there to cry, get it out of her system, so she can come back and tell them she's happy for them. After a few moments the chatter quiets down a bit and people go back to eating, but Clare still isn't back.
"Where'd Clare go?" Spin questions.
"The washroom, I'll go check on her?" I comment getting up. I walk back to the washrooms and knock on the girl's room door. "Clare they're getting worried about you," I call in but get no answer. "Coming in," I call as I open the door. The girl's washroom is empty, Clare isn't here, I look in the hall and see a backdoor, instantly I know she's run. It's what she does, when things get stressful and she feels like things are closing in on her she leaves. "She's gone," I announce to the table when I go back.
"What do you mean she's gone?" Drew inquires.
"I mean there's a backdoor and she went through it, she ran like she always does when she's upset," I reply.
"She couldn't have gotten that far, Johnny let's get in my car and drive around the block," Owen remarks.
"I'll go through the backdoor, maybe she's just in the alley," Spin says.
"I'll come with you," K.C. offers. I think he's feeling guilty, but K.C. is not the one she needs to talk to.
I go over to Fitz and pull him up, "You're coming with me. She's going to explode and I only hope we find her before she does."
Update soon, picking up from about here and the confrontation between Fitz and Clare. Next to be updated is Live in My House, I'll be Your Shelter.