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Ch. 63 I Never Should Have Let You Go

(FITZ)

"There she is," Adam says pointing to Clare. She's up the street, walking, wandering as Adam knew she would be.

"Yeah, and getting into a car," I remark just as Clare gets into a green car with a purple racing stripe.

"CLARE," Adam calls. It's too late, she's in the car and it's driving off.

"Come on," I say hitting Adam's arm. I go up to an older car, easily breaking in, Adam jumps in as I hotwire the car, and we take off after the green car.

"There," Adam says pointing down a street and I make a sharp right turn just as the green car turns left up ahead. I follow it for a couple of blocks, and then we lose the car. "She's at a party I think, and she's drinking," Adam tells me.

"I'll circle the next few blocks, can't be that hard to find a party."

I roll the windows down to listen for a party, we see the green car before finding the party. I park the stolen car near the green one, but make sure to wipe my prints and Adam's before we get out of the car. Adam and I walk to the house having the party, looking at everyone we pass in case Clare is out here. If she's drinking she may not be talking. We don't see her out here though, so we go inside. I hear Clare giggling as soon as we walk in. She's standing with three guys I think go to Bardell, I don't know their names though, I don't think they play any sports or I'd at least know their last names. Clare has a drink in her hand, she's giggling, but what worries me is the look in her eye. I know that look, I can tell by the look on Adam's face he knows it too. It's the look that says she wants trouble to find her and she doesn't care what happens.

"We need to get her out of here," Adam comments.

"Yeah, like right now," I nod.

"Come on Clare it's time to go," Adam asserts going over to her. I follow close behind, especially with the looks the guys standing around her are giving us.

"I think she wants to stay," one of the guys says pushing at Adam.

"HEY, don't push my brother you asshole," Clare hisses at the guy kicking him in the shin.

"Alright, now it's definitely time to get out of here," I remark.

Not giving Clare a choice I go over and pick her up over my shoulder. Adam walks ahead of us, and we get about half a block from the party before I set her down. At least, she didn't argue with me when I picked her up.

"You could have just let me stay at the party, there were plenty of people from DeGrassi there," Clare comments crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, I know how upset you were, and how you were drinking. Not to mention that you were with guys from Bardell, not from DeGrassi," Adam shoots back.

"I'm losing more people, people that I love, I have a right to be upset," Clare counters as she turns and starts walking away from us. She does at least go back in the direction of the pizza place. Of course, Adam and I quickly fall into step with her.

"Lisa, K.C. and Jenna are moving, you're not losing them," I tell her.

"YES, I AM," she screams. She takes off running and we run after her. She gets down the block, running across the street without looking, thankfully it's a quiet street and there are no cars coming.

Adam manages to call Spin while we run and tell him where we're chasing Clare. I know Spin and probably Drew will be on their way shortly. Clare turns down an alley, we're close to the ravine and school now. In fact, Clare seems to be heading for the ravine. Turning has slowed her down though, I catch her arm and turn her to me, holding her in my arms. She sort of collapses, exploding into tears that are quickly soaking my shirt. Adam catches up with us just as I see Spinner's car pull up to the alley.

"Take care of her and get her home, you two need to talk," Adam whispers to me.

I nod, Adam looks at his sister once more and then goes to Spinner's car. Adam gets in the car, Spin nods to me and they drive off.

"Clare you're not losing anyone, K.C. and Jenna are m…"

"I'm losing them, like I've lost everyone else!" She exclaims pushing me away from her. "I lost my mom before I even had time to know her. I lost Dad, Zig, Maya, you, and now K.C. and Jenna. I can't lose anyone else Mark," she cries.

"K.C. and Jenna are moving, they aren't dead. And, you haven't lost me Clare, you never will."

"Yes, I have! You're with Marisol," she spits back.

"I'm not with Marisol, we went out a couple of times, that's all. It can't be any more than that, it will never be any more than that because I'm still in love with you Clare. I've always been in love with you," I tell her.

Before she can say anything, before her brain can think one more neurotic thought, I snatch her lips for a passionate kiss. She responds immediately, linking her arms around my neck and parting her lips. My tongue goes between my lips, wrapping around hers, caressing. I circle my arms around her a little tighter, lifting her up just a bit and deepening the kiss. Her nails scratch gently at the back of my neck, I feel her take a deep breath and release it into the kiss. It feels like a breath she's been holding onto for months just released. I'm not sure how long we kiss, feels like a lifetime and single breath all at once. She's the first to pull away, releasing another breath before lying her head on my chest.

"You can't destroy yourself because you're afraid of losing people Clare. You haven't lost everyone, you never will, and if you destroy yourself then we lose you. Losing you would destroy so many Clare. You have to stop thinking of the people you lost or could lose and start thinking about everyone you still have. Think about everyone around you that loves you and would do anything for you. None of us can bring back the dead, but your parents live in you and your brothers. Maya lives in our memories, Zig too. Jenna, Lisa and K.C. are moving yes, they will be far way, but it's not like they're going to move to B.C. and instantly forget about all of us. We can call, write and video chat, and I'm sure we will, a lot. I know that you were ready to self-destruct tonight, that you would have done almost anything tonight no matter what harm came to you. You can't do that Clare, too many people love and care about you too much."

She's crying too much to speak, but I feel her nod against my chest. I hold her another moment, rubbing her back and letting her cry.

"Let's get you home," I say softly after letting her cry a few moments.

She nods against my chest again, moving a little so that she can walk. I put my arm around her, and we walk slowly back to her house. Everyone must still be at the restaurant because her house is dark and quiet.

"Stay with me?" She requests as we enter her house.

"I'm not going anywhere," I assure her.

We go back to her room, as she's slipping off her shoes I text Adam to let him know that we're home. She lies on her bed, I lie with her, holding her in my arms.

"I need to break up with Jeff," she says quietly.

"You do, it can wait until tomorrow. You need some rest, time to calm down and know what to tell him."

"What about Marisol?" Clare questions.

"I already told you we aren't dating, we never were, she and I went out a couple of times."

"But, you slept with her. She was boasting about it in the washroom on Monday."

"Is that why you bit into your cheek so hard? You heard Marisol bragging about sleeping with me?"

"I was angry and jealous."

"So, you bit your own cheek possibly threatening your own life instead of coming to talk to me. Hell, if you were angry you should have come and slapped me. I thought we could talk about anything Clare?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," she apologizes. Her hand grips onto my shirt, gripping tightly as though afraid to let me go. I put my hand over hers and kiss her forehead gently.

"I know, you do that a lot when you're upset. You need to start though, when you're angry or upset, sad or jealous, you need to take a breath and think. Think about Adam, about Drew and Spinner, about Paige and Bianca, your other friends, and me. And, for the record I had sex with Marisol exactly twice, prom night was one, she was drunk, and I brought her home with me. She started kissing me, I wasn't thinking. No, that's not true I was thinking about you at prom with Jeff. We had sex again the next day before she went home, that was a true moment of weakness, I followed my hormones instead of my heart, and I'd take it back if I could."

Clare doesn't say anything, but she nuzzles into me a bit more. I hold her close, I feel her body starting to get heavy as she begins to fall asleep.

"I love you Mark," she whispers against my chest.

"I love you Clare, I always have, and I always will."

(CLARE)

I woke up before the sun, although considering how early I fell asleep I'm not surprised. I also wake up hungry, but I hardly ate anything last night. Mark is still in the bed with me, at some point he took off everything and got under the covers. He managed to take off most of my clothes too and I didn't even notice, which either means I was really tired or trust him and didn't care.

I carefully get out of his arms and the bed, putting on my robe before I tiptoe out the door. Owen is asleep on our sofa, I'm surprised he stayed, I expected him to go see Vanessa yesterday. I know Spin is opening today and he'll be up soon, but as it's Saturday I expect everyone else to sleep in late. I might wake Owen when the coffee starts brewing and I make breakfast, but he's a deep sleeper. Once the coffee machine is going I pop in bagel for breakfast, coffee and bagel finishing about the same time I sit down to eat. Owen shuffles in, half-asleep, in nothing but boxers, yawning and scratching his head.

"Coffee," he grins pouring himself a cup. After making it the way he likes he sits at the table with me, taking a sip of his coffee before looking at me. "I'm going to fit you with a GPS tracker," Owen scolds me.

"Adam and Mark found me. Adam and I are GPS trackers as far as the other is concerned. Anyway, after a long talk with Mark, and a lot of thinking, I'll try not to just wander off. When I feel like I need air I'll try to just go outside, and take a breath, think about everyone else."

"Good, so I take it you and Fitz are finally joined at the hip again?" Owen asks, and I shoot him a look for the way he said it. "What? I like Jeff, he's a good guy, he's been good to you and for you, but we all knew you and Fitz were meant to be. If Jeff had never moved, and you hadn't been forced to choose you probably never would have broken up with Fitz to begin with."

"Yeah, that is true. Mark and I aren't officially back together yet, I need to break up with Jeff first. Which I will do today, but before that I have to go talk to Jenna, K.C. and Lisa. Running out last night wasn't just about them moving, even though I hate it."

"Losing people sucks, and I know you've lost a lot, but it's unlikely that Jenna and K.C. are going to move and forget about us. Yeah, there's a chance that ten years from now we may not all still be in touch, but even that seems unlikely to me. Look at Spin, Sean, Jay and Lucas, they all graduated, have jobs, are married, getting married or having kids and we see them all the time. I plan on going to U of T or Ryerson after graduation, and I know Drew and Bianca aren't going to a college far away. As much as I like Vanessa, I'm starting to fall in love with her I think, but she's going to be so far. We're going to breakup when she moves, her last day here I'm going to have to break up with her. A relationship just isn't realistic, I really am losing her in a way, but we aren't losing K.C. and Jenna."

"Yeah, I know we'll keep in touch, and they aren't dead. I also know they need a fresh start, I haven't exactly been rational all week, especially after hearing about Mark and Marisol. And, yes, I know I should have talked to Mark, talking is hard for me. The only person it's every really is for me to talk to is Adam, and he knows what I'm thinking and feeling most of the time."

"You coulda just started a cat fight with Marisol, pretty sure Fitz woulda known how you felt," Owen comments.

I giggle and smack his arm playfully as I take the last bite of my bagel. Owen and I take our coffee out to the sofa and he puts the TV on. Spinner comes out of his bedroom a short time later, when he sees me up he hugs me tightly. He goes into the kitchen and returns with coffee in hand.

"You know if Adam couldn't find you so easily I'd hire personal security just to keep an eye on you," Spinner comments.

"I suggested we fit her with a GPS tracker," Owen remarks.

"Hey, I've never wandered that far or gotten in terrible trouble before," I argue. Both Owen and Spinner give me the same look. "Okay, Reese being let out early and finding me was a fluke, none of us knew he was out."

"There have been other times, at least we have eyes all over our neighborhood, and most of the surrounding ones, that know who you are. That way when you do wander too far at least one of us generally knows," Spinner grins. I twist my mouth at him and he tousles my hair in response.

"I'm going to K.C. and Jenna's today, as soon as I think they might be up. And, after that I'll meet Jeff, so I won't be home until later," I tell Spinner.

"I take it you're meeting Jeff to break up with him?" Spinner asks, and I nod.

He gives me a tight hug but doesn't say anything else. Spin stays with us until he must start getting ready for work, then he kisses my forehead and goes back to his room. Paige is the next one up, she makes breakfast and sits with us. When it's almost nine I ask Owen to take me to The Dot and drop me at K.C.'s before he goes home. I get breakfast for the three of them and coffee for me from The Dot. Owen drops me off, saying he'll probably be over later, and I go into the apartment building. It's still on the earlish side, and I have to knock on the door a couple of times before Lisa finally answers.

"Hi Lisa, I know K.C. and Jenna are probably still asleep, but I brought breakfast," I tell her holding up everything I got from The Dot. "I needed to come talk to you guys, and to apologize for running out last night."

"You don't need to apologize for running out, we knew the announcement would be hard for people. Even though it's good news it means we're leaving, it's hard for us too. We're going to miss all of you so much," Lisa says hugging me tightly. "Let me go get K.C. and Jenna up, maybe you can set breakfast around the table."

Lisa goes back to the bedrooms, I put everything on the counter and get out plates. Lisa returns a moment later to tell me they'll be out in a moment. I get everyone's pastries on their plates and set them at the table, putting my coffee down as well. K.C. and Jenna emerge from the back a few moments later. K.C. has pajama bottoms on, Jenna a robe, but I can see pajamas under the robe. They both hug me before sitting down.

"I know Lisa said I didn't need to, but I do want to apologize for running out last night. You know that I feel like I'm losing people, that they're dying or leaving, or I'm losing them some other way. I understand all your reasons for leaving, I really do, but I still felt like I was losing you. Then I felt like I couldn't breathe, and well you know how I am when I'm upset. I will miss you guys so much, but I do think moving is the right thing. A fresh start in a new city will be good for all of you, and of course I understand why you want to move with Joey and Caitlin and be near Jared. I'm happy for all of you," I tell them.

"Thanks Clare," Jenna smiles reaching over to hug me.

"We're going to miss you guys too, but I promise we'll be in touch a lot," K.C. says hugging me from the other side.

I smile releasing a deep breath, one weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'll miss Jenna, K.C. and even Lisa like crazy, but at least I'll still be able to talk with them. I stay until they've finished breakfast, they aren't leaving until July, so we have time before they go, and we talk about things to do before they go. When my coffee is almost gone and they're all done with breakfast I call Jeff.

"Hey Pretty Eyes," he answers.

"Hi, I'm at K.C.'s would you come pick me up please?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in twenty," he says and hangs up.

"Jeff's on his way to get me," I tell K.C. and Jenna as I slip my phone back into my purse. Lisa is in her room getting ready for work.

"You don't sound that happy about it," K.C. comments.

"I'm going to break up with him. I love Jeff, but I was very jealous and angry when I thought Mark was doing anything with Marisol. I love Jeff, I'm in love with Mark, and I need to tell Jeff today."

"I always liked you better with Fitz anyway," K.C. comments.

I stay and talk with Jenna and K.C. until Jeff knocks on the door. He says hi to K.C. and Jenna, I tell them I'll see them later and leave with Jeff.

"Are you hungry?" Jeff asks.

"Not really, can we go to the field near my house? It's a nice day out," I request. I don't want to just tell him I'm breaking up with him in the car. I do think I should be near the house though, so that he doesn't need to drive me home after, and I don't need to call anyone else to come get me.

"Anything you want," Jeff grins. He parks close to my house and we walk to the field, Jeff puts his arm around me and we walk a little before sitting in the shade.

"K.C. and Jenna are moving," I tell him after a moment.

"Yeah, I heard. I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch."

"They will, but when they announced it last night I kind of lost it. I left the restaurant and started wandering, found my way to a party," I tell him. I'm leaving out the fact that three guys invited me to the party. "Mark and Adam found me. It's not just K.C. and Jenna moving that got to me. I was jealous when I found out that Mark brought Marisol to prom," I inform Jeff. I see him deflate a little, but his expression doesn't change.

"You want to get back together with Fitz," he states.

"I love you Jeff, I do, I hope you know that. I don't regret any of our time together, I'm happy that I gave you my virginity and that you moved here so we had time to truly try a relationship. As much as I do love you I'm in love with Mark, that never changed. If there was a way to have both of you I would, however as I can't see the two of you sharing and I'm forced to choose, I must follow my heart. I hope that we can stay friends, you really are very important to me."

"I can't say I'm happy, but I kind of knew this was coming. I like Fitz, and he has been really helpful, so even though I'm not happy that you're choosing him I understand. I'll bow out gracefully and having you as a friend is better than not having you at all."

I smile and take his lips for one last passionate kiss. Not wanting the breakup to linger I get up and walk back to my house. It's early Saturday afternoon now and the house is nearly empty, the only one that seems to be here is Mark, waiting for me. He was watching TV, but turns it off when I come in.

"It's done," I tell him as he embraces me.

Mark grins, tipping my chin up and taking my lips for a loving, passionate, blissful kiss.

(JAY)

"Alright, time to party," Lucas comments having finished his birthday dinner.

It's Saturday, June 9th and Lucas' 20thbirthday. We just finished dinner with his mom, Jane and Mia at his Mom's house. His Mom wanted to celebrate with him, but the real celebration awaits at the Mason house where there's a party happening. Spin made sure he'd have the night off and everyone else will be there.

"Have fun, happy birthday Honey," Evelyn smiles hugging Lucas.

The girls grab their purses and we leave Evelyn's house, we take two cars because Mia is due in a couple of months. She may need to leave early, someone can take her home in Lucas' car and get him home later. We have to park down the street from the Mason's, seems like just about everyone is already here. It will be the first time we'll have seen most of them for a few weeks. Everyone still in school had finals the last couple of weeks and has been studying. The last day of DeGrassi was yesterday and U of T was done last week. I know they were all happy to be done for the summer.

We walk in just behind Lucas, everyone wishes him happy birthday and greets the rest of us. Fitz and Clare come out of the back to greet us, they've been back together for three weeks now, and are happier than ever. We all are, Jeff is a good guy, but there was no denying the bond between Fitz and Clare. Jeff still hangs around a lot, not because he's still pining after Clare, but Anya and Adam are still together, so are Johnny and Sam. Anya is going to U of T next year, and she and Sam are getting an apartment together. Plus, Owen and Jeff became good friends being on the Ice Hounds together. So, we still see a lot of Jeff, in fact he's here tonight.

Vanessa is here with Owen, it's one of their last nights together. Vanessa, Rocky and Dallas are all leaving for California in a little over week. Owen's not happy about it, the closer it gets to them leaving the more solemn he becomes, we're going to have to cheer him up once they go. They still have a little time together, Rocky turned four this week and his birthday party is tomorrow. Owen is going, he's been talking about it all week, he's getting whatever time he can get with Vanessa, even at a toddler's birthday.

Jenna, K.C. and Lisa are all here, and we only have three and half weeksleft with them. They've been packing up the apartment slowly and getting rid of a lot of stuff. They'll be spending their last few nights in town here at the Mason house, because they have to be out of their apartment by the 30th.

After greeting everyone Jane and I go into the kitchen to get drinks. Paige is in here too, getting some food.

"Hey Paige, heard anything else from the cops?" I ask her.

A few days ago some cops came to the house looking for Paige. A girl was accusing Dean of rape, and because Paige had done the same and taken Dean to trial they came to talk to her. They took her statement and asked her to testify if it went to trial. Paige said she would testify, now she's just waiting to hear.

"Not enough for a trial yet, the cops are still gathering evidence, but it seems there's been a few other girls that have come forward over the years. Five of us in all, he can't be tried again for my case, and the statute of limitations has run out on most of the others. D.C. Vale has been great about keeping me up to speed with the investigation. I really hope there is enough overwhelming evidence of a behavior pattern that Dean is convicted this time."

"I need to use the washroom," Jane says suddenly, handing me her drink before walking off. I take her drink and sit down at the kitchen table with Paige.

"I hope so too, we've beat the crap out of him a few times and he doesn't learn, maybe being in prison will teach him something. What about you? How are you holding up with everything? All of this must be bringing up bad memories and stuff."

"Yeah, it's all been stirred up. I've woken Spin a couple of nights after a nightmare. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it will be the smallest things that bring those memories and feelings back. A client smiled at me the other day, an innocent gesture, but it reminded me of Dean's smile and I hand to excuse myself to the washroom to get composed. The trial probably won't be for months, maybe even a year or more, mine took two years. I'm just trying not to lose it between now and then. Spin has been my rock as always. I don't think I'd be able to make it through any of the times Dean's gotten to me without all of you," Paige comments.

I reach over and hug her tightly, "We're family. It's the only way any of us make it through all the crap we've been through."

"How are things with you and Jane?" Paige asks changing the subject.

"Going well, we've been together nearly every day."

"Good, you two are cute together and good for each other."

I grin and take a sip of my drink, I talk to Paige for a few more minutes, but when Jane isn't back I go looking for her. I know she's safe here, but she left quickly, and I want to make sure she's alright. I find her out back sitting in a lawn chair talking with Emma, Johnny and Sam. I sit down with them and hand Jane's drink to her. Mia joins us after a while, tired of being on her feet, and when the girls start talking about pregnancies Johnny and I leave them. We grab some more beers from the cooler and sit with Lucas and Spin.

"Having a good birthday soon-to-be dad?" I ask Lucas.

"It's been great, Jane's home, she's happy, Mia and I are going to be parents soon. Clare and Fitz are back together, Adam has a great older girl that's crazy about him, Dean is probably going to jail, all is right with the world," Lucas grins. The rest of us smile nodding in agreement, all does seem to be going well.

The next time I see Jane she has a mixed drink in hand, I don't really think anything of it, but for the rest of the night she always has one in her hand. At first, I think she's working on the same one slowly, but by around eleven it's very clear that she's drunk.

"I think I need to go home now, I'm beat," Mia comments.

"I'll take you, Jane's pretty drunk and I think I'll take her back to my place," I remark.

"Yeah, good idea. Let's find Lucas," Mia says.

"HEY LUCAS," I holler.

"What's up?" He asks appearing behind us.

"Mia's ready to go home, I'll take her and take Jane home with me. She's pretty drunk and I don't want her to be alone," I tell Lucas.

"Yeah, she doesn't usually drink like this, everyone needs to cut loose once in a while though, hopefully that's all it is," Lucas says and then turns to Mia. "I love you, I'll see you at home."

Lucas kisses Mia, I grab Jane and we go to my car. I take Mia to their apartment, I offer to come upstairs with her, but she says she's okay. I wait until she's in the building before I drive home though. Jane is passed out in the car, so I park in the driveway and carry her in. I put her on the sofa, mostly because I'm not tired yet and I want to watch TV for a while, but I don't want to be too far from her. I get her shoes and denim shorts off, cover her with a blanket and sit at her feet. I turn on the TV and find something good to watch, texting Lucas that I dropped Mia off, and Jane and I are safely back at my place.

For a couple of hours, I watch TV and Jane sleeps, the movie I'm watching is almost over and I'm getting tired. Just as I'm starting to think about moving Jane to my bed and getting ready for bed Jane starts to thrash a little. I look over thinking that she's feeling sick and going to throw up, but it looks more like she's dreaming. She's kind of whimpering too, I realize she must be having a bad dream. No sooner have I come to this realization when she starts kicking violently and screaming.

"Jane, Jane wake up it's okay, you're safe," I say in a commanding but kind voice while holding her legs to keep her from kicking me.

She wakes up with a gasp, looks at me, curls up and breaks into tears. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not holding her legs anymore because she's curled up, so I touch her arm just to stroke it and let her know I'm here, but she recoils from my touch. I watch her for another moment, unsure whether I should let her cry or do something to try and calm her down. Finally, I kneel down on the floor by her head, brushing some hair from her face.

"Janie it's me, tell me what's wrong. Please, you know you're safe with me," I plead in a soft voice.

She takes a few labored breaths and sniffles a bit, a shaky deep breath to calm down. She sits up and wipes her eyes a little, she still curls her knees to her chest, but she lets me sit next to her.

"I left school, and came home early, because I was raped," she informs me.

While I'm still recovering from this information she puts her head on her knees and starts crying again. I feel like someone hit me in the stomach, like I can't breathe. Jane was raped, she ran, and I don't know what to do now.

The next chapter will be the last for this story and pick up from right here. Next to be updated is Live in My House I'll be Your Shelter.