Chapter 12: Everyone thinks I'm a Jerk, Even Me
I'm an ass. She confesses something I'm sure took her awhile to get up the courage to say and I left. Ran away. Did I really just freaking do that? God...I mean I saw her hands shaking a little for crying out loud. And what she said about her parents and that phone call...I still can't believe it. At least my mom died when I couldn't remember. But to be cheated on and then have your parents die in the same day? She has more strength than anyone I've ever met.
What the hell is wrong with me? I should go back. Turn around right freaking now. I should be next to her, comforting her, pushing her hair back and telling her I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. Tell her I imprinted on her and she is my destiny and I'm right here. Tell her that we can be happy and finally we can both never feel any pain ever again. Because she is perfect in so many ways and deserves to be happy.
But like I said, I'm a jerk.
They very thing that makes me extremely freaking happy also screws up all the plans I had in place. Friends. That's what we could be and there would be no problems. That's what we were. Until today. I thought that's all she even wanted. Friends. I could hold down the conflicting freaking emotions I felt for her to focus on helping Bella. Bella. Leech already has changed her by now. I can feel it. College is just a cover story. But then again...they would've had to tell Charlie. Unless he didn't even want to do that. Would've heard something though.
Inside my house, I shut my door, dropping onto my bed with a thump. Bella. I close my eyes, willing myself to think of her face but it isn't hers that comes to mind. No...of course not. It's the face of the funny and beautiful blonde with that amazing smile who just confessed that she's in love with me. Me. How'd this even happen? I swear I can't think of one thing to make her want me or even come close to seeing me like that. Right? I mean I looked at her like in the damn picture but I swear she never noticed...at least I don't think she did...
God I need to shut off my brain. Normally, I'd just phase and run but I don't want to hear it. I was already stupid enough to do that and immediately changed back. Now they all know what freaking happened. It's all on freaking repeat.
"Jake...dude what are you doing-"
"You've got to be kidding me-"
"Are you serious? How the hell could you do that to her-"
"Eric is going to kill you-"
Like I don't already feel bad enough. I glanced at my phone. I should text her, tell her I'm sorry and I'm an idiot. Hell that's not even enough. I should go back over there, be there with her...kiss her and-no. I can't. I know exactly what will happen when I do tell her... when I kiss her. This fight I've been putting up? I'll lose. I can't do that. Not when Bella still needs me. Sure-maybe she'll never leave the bloodsucker. She's so attached it's likely she never will. Fine I accept that. My shot? It's gone. But I can still help her be human. She doesn't have to be one of them. The minute he changes her-I can barely think about it.
Everyone hates me right now, or will once the guys tell them. They can join the club. I hate myself. I hate that I lost Bella. I hate that because I love her so much I just broke the heart of someone I hold close. Someone that is too damn good for me. I'll be lucky if she'll forgive me. Who am I kidding? I doubt she'll even want to be my friend now. And yes-I hate that too.
The worst part? I actually want our future. The one where we can go on as friends. Or maybe...maybe even the rest. Because right now? Right now I have a gaping hole without her because of my damn blood. I hate how it feels and I hate it even more because it's all my fault. I made the damn choice and I wish I could take it back and just see her smile. But I can't. It's over. I guess I'll worry about it tomorrow. For now, Paul isn't in the house. Brain, I need you to shut off and fast. Luckily for me, for once it did it.
The next day I ran the morning perimeter. Seth didn't mind switching with me that much. I slept like crap. Not a big surprise. And no matter how hard I tried I kept thinking of last night...I swear her eyes, full of hurt and rejection, will haunt me for the rest of my life.
"They should."
I turned and saw Embry had caught up to me.
"Don't start."
"You think we're going to be the worst ones?" Quil joined in.
"All of us know who you're going to get it the worst from," Jared added.
"Emily."
"Oh yeah."
"You'll be lucky if you make it out alive."
"Sam won't help either, he'll just watch."
"Shut up, all of you," ordered Sam, "But they're not wrong. You know I let her lead."
"I know."
We all made our way to Emily's. They didn't say any more about me, just joked about other things like Quil and his recent princess party with Claire. Even though the idea of Quil wearing a tiara and sash was hilarious, I couldn't laugh. I don't even think I know how to anymore. The last person I laughed with I hurt and-crap there she is. As we walked inside, Kelly was on her way out. We bumped into each other. She glanced at me quick before her eyes darted to the ground, rushing out the door. Ashamed...she looks freaking ashamed. Does she think I'm mad? Great. Another thing I did wrong. Mad's the last thing I feel right now. I fought the urge to run after her, pushing through the screen door. The guys already started to devour the food but I just leaned against the wall, glancing at Emily. Her normal smile gone as she stood palms down on the counter. Great. It's coming. The guys were right.
"You okay Em?" Seth asked.
She didn't look at me, didn't acknowledge me at all.
"It's not as bad as you think," I muttered, I'd rather just get this over with.
"You're joking right?" she spat, eyes glaring, "You literally have no idea."
"We're just having some time apart," I replied, crossing my arms.
"Oh really?" she said, crossing her own arms, "And that means you can't be around each other at all? So much that she bolted the minute she saw you coming?"
"I didn't force her to leave."
"Didn't you?" Emily shook her head, "I really can't believe you Jake."
"Emily…," Sam began.
"Look," I said, "It's not a great situation…"
"Of course it's not!" she said, "I just can't believe you of all people would pull this."
"Pull what?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"Oh please," she groaned. "Jake, wake up!," She clenched her fists, "We all watched Bella string you along being your 'friend' while you fell more and more in love with her each day. And now? you're doing the exact same thing-to Kelly," She shook her head again, "If you want to ignore what's best for you, your fate, fine. But don't you dare hurt that girl. Not the one who has only just started letting her walls down to the rest of us."
"You know that's not what I meant to happen. We're just friends."
"That's what you want to be. She just told you differently!"
"And that means I automatically have to jump at it?" I stopped leaning and approached her, "This is ridiculous. Yes, she's my imprint. But I shouldn't be hers. I'm the biggest mess up there is. She deserves more than me."
"It's not an option Jake! You just don't want to give in because you're still hung up on Bella!"
All the guys slouched in their chairs. Not saying a word. I gritted my teeth.
"Of course I am!" I said, "I'm in love with her!"
"Oh my God Jake! She married the vampire . It's over why can't you just-"
"Get over it?" I gritted out, clenching my fists, "How dare you-"
"Jake-"
"No! No Sam!-None of you, NONE OF YOU realize what it's like to lose someone you love like this-"
"You imprinted!"
"And that changes everything does it?" I spat back, before glancing at Sam. He shook his head. "Tell me Sam, did you stop loving Leah the second you imprinted?"
"Jacob..." Sam growled.
"What the hell are you saying?" Emily said.
"Tell her Sam!"
"Sam?" Emily asked, "What's he talking about?"
Sam gulped and turned to her, "No...I didn't stop loving her right away."
Emily stepped back, turning to Leah, "Did you...did you know?"
Leah shook her head.
"I didn't tell you because...because I knew it wouldn't last. You were it for me," he gulped, "You've always been it for me. And I didn't tell her to spare her more pain."
Emily didn't say another word. The whole room stayed silent.
"Exactly," I said, "So now you know it's not just me. And with that, I'm outta here."
I rushed out the door, letting the screen door slam. I hated fighting with Em. I hate fighting with any of them. I think this is the first time I've seen her raise her voice at any of us. I know she's just protecting Kelly...and she should. I'm certainly not doing a great job. But what about me? Don't they care about me? I mean I am trying here even if it doesn't seem like it. Crazy enough I ended up at our, Kelly's and me, spot on the beach. I stared out the waves. I wish I could just forget Bella but I can't. But if I could it sure as hell would be a lot easier. I don't even know why I can't. Sure, Sam forgot about his love for Leah over time but a lot of that was he just gave in to Emily. Also Leah never wanted to become a vampire. I don't know how to make them understand. I'm trying to save Bella.
"You okay?" I heard a while later. I turned to see Rachel heading my way.
"Fine."
"You want to talk?"
"You gonna rag on me too?
"Not this time," she replied and sighed, "I'll save that for later."
We sat in silence for a few moments before she said, "I thought...I thought when someone imprinted everything else falls away? And all you can see is your imprint? I mean...that's how Paul says it was and Rachel and..well everyone."
"It did happen like that...for the most part," I sighed, "Guess I'm just the freak. I still love Bella and just can't let her go. I didn't even know what it was until I met her," I paused, "But I feel her slipping away."
"Because you did imprint."
"I did," I sighed, "And it's been hard waking up every day wanting to be close to Kelly and just be with her. She's like...my sun. And all I've had is clouds but now they're starting to clear. Since I've been back...she's been everything I've needed," I chuckled, "She's actually how I've started getting over Bella."
"So basically the real problem is that you haven't fully gotten over Bella even though you're crazy about Kelly."
"Something like that."
Rachel leaned against me, "Well you do need to get over her. Just...try not to take too long. Kelly...she's a good girl and she can't sit waiting forever. She's going to eventually have to move on if you don't tell her."
"I know," I said, "Don't think I feel good about being something else for her to cry about. It's killin' me. Finding her like that, crying about everything….I've never felt so ready to give in but I can't."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know," I sighed, "I have no freaking clue."
We walked back home together, not saying too much else. I went into my room and it's like everything just flooded my mind. I could see her face, he standing in my t-shirt, me keeping her warm on my bed...STOP. I grabbed some new shorts. Shower. That'll clear my head. Right?...I turned on the water, not really caring about temperature. No need at this point. Wolf thing. Even though I tried not to, she popped into my mind anyway. I remember seeing her the first time and just knowing she was it. And she should be. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell I'm doing. The fun we've had...well until-Honestly I still can't forget my birthday. I wasn't ready to see that much damn skin. Look-every teenage guy wants to "do it" but I honestly hadn't thought that much about it. I mean sure its there but so much other stuff was going on it didn't register right away. When I saw her like that...I knew I wanted her like that and bad. I wanted to kiss her and give her goosebumps. I wanted to make her feel good. Damn. Maybe I should turn this to a cold shower. Then I thought about the other night. Her face when I left her. Puffy eyes from the sobs, her voice practically cracking when she told me she loved me….
I punched the tile. Over and over again. It crumbled beneath my fist. My fist was bloody for seconds before it healed. I didn't feel any pain, not on my hand anyway. Emily's right. Kelly could barely look at me when she told me. She apologized...she thinks its a bad thing. She actually feels bad because she's not Bella. And she shouldn't. She the best thing in the whole damn world. And I left her there thinking she's not. What the hell am I gonna do? I shut off the water, dried off and went back to my room. I collapsed on my bed. I glanced at my phone, the picture of us. Why the hell does the universe think I'm the one for her? I've kept messing this up day after day. She deserves so much more. But she makes me feel...whole again. She's been able to make me smile, laugh even. I have to do the same for her.
I stared at the ceiling my hands behind my head. I am tired. Exhausted. This time when my brain shut off, it did for good. I finally got some sleep. This time I didn't dream. Thank God for the little things.