Chapter 18: I Screwed Up. BAD.

I couldn't believe it. Everything felt different...right. Finally I know what it's like to want someone with every part of me and knowing that she is meant for me...Okay...So now comes the part where I tell her we're meant to be. Aww man...How am I gonna tell her that? I mean she digs the corny stuff but I don't want it to come out stupid. Plus I don't know how she'll react. Will she be happy? She'll probably be upset I took so long-

"You-you bastard."

I snapped my eyes open. What the hell? She's...she's angry, like hella angry. I haven't ever seen her this mad since she found out the stories were true. But she can't be...why would she be? I haven't even told her she's my imprint yet...Besides, that kiss...that kiss was perfect. Both of them were actually. I know she felt it too...I just know it. Besides she kissed me back, I felt it. I felt her touch me, give in...all of it. Then why is she mad? Is it because I took too long? Did she already ...move on? Oh God am I too late? I searched her face for the answers but found only the flashes of anger in her eyes...and the quivering lip of hurt. I just don't get it. I mean...everything was perfect. The only thing that could possibly upset her is...The other night she was pretty uncomfortable hearing about-oh no. B-b-but that was a thought. I only thought Bella's name I didn't-I couldn't have said it...you know out loud….Am I that big of an idiot? Judging by the look on her face. Yes. Yes I am. Shit.

"Kelly...I..," I tried to find words, to make her understand, "That's not what I meant to say...It's...It's not what you think."

"Oh really?" she snarled, "And what exactly am I supposed to think?"

Oh boy. I stepped toward her but she backed away. I gulped. This isn't good. No no no no no...don't do this. I swear...Oh Kelly I swear I don't….not her, not anymore….no...shit.

"I can't believe you," she said, water brimming around her eyes. Her teeth chattered as she said, "How could you? I told you not to give me any hope...there was none! Then you do...this and it was-" she gulped, "I thought I knew everything about you but…" she paused and shook her head, "You're not who I thought you were…"

Kelly turned. She started to walk away but I grabbed her hand. I tugged her gently to face me. She can't go. Not like this. Not when she doesn't know, doesn't understand. I need to make her understand.

"Please," I begged, "I swear it's not that. I wasn't thinking about her! Just you….only you-"

"Save it Jake, you always wanted the leech lover. Even now and she's married to that-that-thing...," she squeezed her fists, shaking, "But I'm no stand in."

"Kelly, please-," I begged. I gulped and kept trying to move closer but she backed away each time I did. She doesn't want to be near me at all. Shit. Shit shit shit.

"Don't!" she said, "Don't call, don't text, nothing. Just...just leave me alone."

She turned to get away again but I ran in front of her. "Let me at least walk you home," I said, "Please. Drake's still out there looking for you. You shouldn't be alone."

"Then let him," she replied, "I don't need a bodyguard….I hope he comes to kill me. I wish he would," she gritted her teeth, clenching her teeth, "I wish I'd never fallen for you and that you never ever look at me again," she sniffled, a couple tears falling down her cheek, "Most of all I-I wish we never met."

She turned and sprinted as far away from me as she could. This time I didn't move. Couldn't move. I watched her go, disappearing on the trail. Her last words ate at me. Piece by piece. I felt the air leave my chest. My stomach sank. Everything….everything just fell apart. What the hell did I just do? I didn't even mean to say it I-Oh God. She doesn't want to see me...talk...I...How the hell am I gonna make this up to her? I need to make it right but...how? She's super pissed and I...I can't think. Not when that bloodsucker could be out there watching...waiting...and now she's alone...I phased to be able to see the leech or if anyone had seen him. Once it was obvious he wasn't nearby, I howled and howled. Part of it for warning, the other part...because the pain returned. Only this time...this time was so much worse. I never knew pain until now.

How did this happen? I felt weak, light headed. Oh God am I gonna pass out? No I gotta be strong...gotta-Shit. I screwed it up. All of it. One word. Not even multiple. Just one. One name and everything I had going disappeared in one fraction of a damn second. Will she ever forgive me? Can she? Oh hell- should she? Probably not. But I want her to. Need her to. Dammit. Today was supposed to be it. And it was. For one moment everything finally went right only to then go terribly wrong. How the hell do I keep screwing this up? What the hell is wrong with me?

"Jake...Whoa…"

"Is...is the leech out there?"

"Not that we've seen...whoa...Jake."

"Don't,...I don't need to hear it."

"We're not gonna harp on you this time."

"Maybe we should."

"Cool out Jared."

"Well if he'd told her when it first happened none of this would be happening now."

"You think I don't know that? That I don't feel freaking guilty? I was just about to tell her the rest and now...now she's pissed at me...I swear I didn't mean to say that."

"We know Jake."

"We can see it from your thoughts."

"Although it'd be nice to see less."

"Shut up Leah, it's a welcome break from you and Eric."

"Jake-"

"What?"

"Go after her."

"I can't"

"You can and you should."

"I can't...I know her. She needs space. I have to give it to her...no matter if it kills me. She needs her space tonight then...then I can see her in the morning."

"You should take care of it now. You shouldn't let things stay like this. It'll make things worse."

"He's right."

"Butt out Leah. Just because you're with Eric-"

"Shove it Paul. I know Eric and he is a lot like his sister. As much as I can't believe the words are coming from my mouth, Jacob's ...right."

"I'm gonna quote you on that."

"Oh shut up."

"Hope you're right, some girls actually like being chased."

"She isn't playing hard to get."

"Still say it's a stupid plan."

"Shut up-both of you."

"So then what are we gonna do?"

"Let's keep perimeters tight. Without Jacob being too close to Kelly, bloodsucker may make a move."

"I'll guard her house."

"Thanks Embry."

"Me too."

"Thanks Quil."

"It'll be okay Jake."

"I sure hope so."

"It will Jacob, just like you said, give her her space. Everything will work out."

"I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

I phased back. I didn't rush home. The rain finally let up after a few minutes. It barely registered. I couldn't get her face out of my mind. The tears streaming down her cheeks, the fire in her eyes from her anger….the worst...the worst is hearing her words echo in my brain. 'I wish we'd never met.' I felt the knife in my heart twist. She can't really mean that...can she? She's just mad...when people are mad they say a lot of things they don't mean...right? I grabbed my phone from my pocket. I almost called, almost texted too. I couldn't help it. I know she needs her space I just...God I want to make it up to her, prove to her that she's it for me, that's she's always been and I've just been a gigantic idiot. But her gigantic idiot you know? But I'll give her her space. I'll leave her be tonight even though it's killing me to not do anything. I shoved my phone back in my pocket, seeing my house.

When I opened the door, Rachel was already there, in the kitchen.

"You okay?," she asked, walking towards me, "You don't look so good….You didn't fight with Paul did you?"

"Not now Rach," I replied, slumping on the couch.

"I'm not gonna yell at you," she said, "But it sure feels like I'm missing something. What's up?"

I glanced over at her. Least I could tell her everything.

"I kissed her."

"Kelly?"

"Yeah."

"That's great!," she came around and hugged me then slowly pulled away, "Wait...you should be happier then...what happened?"

"I messed up Rach," I said, gulping, "I didn't mean to say it, I swear."

"Say...what?"

I met her eyes for a second before looking back at the floor, "Bella. I said Bella and….she took off."

"Oh no," she said with a sigh, "You're still thinking about her?"

"No," I said, "That's just the thing, I wasn't. That's what stunned me. She was just...gone. Completely. And it was everything you guys said. Kelly was there and all I could see was her...us. I was happy, am happy with just Kelly," I sighed, "I just don't think she's gonna be happy with me. She's pretty upset. She said some things…"

"People say things in anger they don't mean," Rachel said, "Everything will work out... I'll...I'll give her a call."

"I doubt she'll answer."

"She might," she said, "Don't you want me to try?"

I paused a second then nodded. "I'm gonna give her space tonight….I know she wants it."

"I'm sure she does," Rachel put a hand on my shoulder, "Don't worry. This will all get sorted out."

"I hope so."

I stood and went into my room. After I shut the door, I collapsed on my bed. God I hope I didn't do damage I can't fix. Being without her...hell even one night feels like torture. After the two weeks I stupidly avoided her...aw crap. I lay back on my bed. I glanced at the picture she gave to me. I kept it on my nightstand. Both of us laughing. We were happy then. I want it back. I want her smile, her laugh….her. I want her. I want her for the rest of my life. Deep down though, I keep getting this nagging feeling. Like I've blown it. God I hope not. Not when I've finally got my head out of my ass. I swallowed. Oh man. It's gonna be a long night.