Chapter 19: She's Gone. It's All My Fault.
The wait killed me. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't think. At least not about anything but her. Hours dragged on by like watching paint dry. Except that would be more interesting. Shit. How do I apologize? Sorry...well that didn't really seem like enough. I've never had to do this before. Flowers maybe? Chocolate? Once it was light, I got up and headed to the convenience store. Luckily they had some flowers, not a ton but hell it's better than nothin'. At least chocolate was easy to find. God I hope this works. I'd do anything just to see her smile at me again. Like when she saw Strawberry Bay for the first time. Carefree and beautiful as she ran down and twirled. That moment...I'll never forget. She didn't even care about the rain. Neither did I. Everything was...perfect. Before I messed everything up. Finally, I mustered up the courage to head towards her house. I gulped. I stood outside her window, flowers and chocolates in hand. I tapped lightly. I waited a few moments then tapped again. When I tried to open it and it didn't budge, my heart sank. Locked. Crap. This isn't good.
"Kelly," I tapped again, "Please open up. It's me."
No answer. No sounds. I sighed.
"Please," I said, "Please let me explain. I swear what you're thinking isn't...It's not like that. Please."
Still nothing.
"I...I brought some flowers for you...and chocolate, your favorite kind," I said, swallowing again. I paused then said, "Please just let me explain. I was just...surprised cuz Bella's gone. She's outta my head completely. You...you're the only person I can't stop thinking about. The only one I want to think about. Please," I gulped again, "I didn't want to say this if it wasn't to your face because you deserve to know that I," I gulped again, "...I love you."
I touched the window. Still no sound. Damn. Not even a reaction to that? Unless she's not in the room. But she has to be. Maybe I'm doing this all wrong. Last time we were separated...she opened her door. That's right. She thought I was her Dad….I hurried to the other side of the house. I knocked on the door. Moments later Joe answered. I saw the bags under his eyes...great. He knows. Shit.
"I uh…" I started, "I'm sorry to wake you I just...I uh-I came to apologize...to her...about yesterday."
"Oh kid-,"Joe sighed, slightly shaking his head, "I don't think an apology can cut it this time."
"Please," I said, stepping forward, clutching the flowers and chocolates, "I have to try. I have to make her understand that I didn't...I didn't mean to say that."
"I get it Jake," he said, "It was a misunderstanding."
"She-she told you?" I gulped.
"She did."
"I swear-I swear on my life-hers even, I didn't mean it like it sounded."
"I know," he said, "Seeing you standing here, I know you didn't. Mistakes happen. It's about time you saw the light anyhow."
I sighed. Thank God. I thought he was gonna kill me. Plus side for Joe, he's not the shotgun Dad type.
"So," I said, "Can I-Can I talk to her?"
"She's not here Jake."
So I was confessing everything to an empty room? Sounds like me.
"The beach then?" I sighed, "Of course. I can't believe I didn't-"
"No Jacob," he said, staring at me, "She's...gone."
"W-What do y-you mean?," I said, "Gone?"
"She left last night," he sighed, "I don't know, neither does she, when she'll come back."
"S-S-she left?" I gulped again. I felt my heart stop. I could barely breathe. Her bouquet fell to the ground followed by the chocolates, "W-where?"
"She asked me not to say," he said, "Look kid-I know this is hard but she needs time. You need to let her have it. I know...I know last time was no picnic for either of you but this time you need to leave her be."
"B-But-"
I felt his hand on my shoulder. "She won't be gone forever Jake, I can't let myself believe that," Joe sighed, "For now...I think it'd be best if you weren't here and didn't come around here for awhile. I'm glad you finally came to your senses…" he paused, "But I have to tell Eric and I can't imagine he's going to be too happy with you either."
"Yeah...you're right," I said, "I-I'm sorry. I swear I didn't mean to hurt her. Y-you gotta believe me."
"I do Jake," he sighed, "I just... I can't look at you right now."
And just like that, he shut the door. I turned away. Gone. My sun-my everything is gone. She just left. Oh God. I ruined...ruined everything. I picked up the flowers and chocolates and tossed them in the trash bin. She doesn't want an apology. She doesn't want anything. She doesn't want...me. No. Space. She wants space. Like I wanted it before. No. This can't be happening. I can't let her. I won't let her go. Last time...last time I barely made it. I can't do it again. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed. Of course she didn't pick up. Voicemail.
"I'm sorry-a million times over," I said, "I'm an idiot. Please, can we talk?"
Oh man. I am an idiot. After I hung up...I realized that last one was crap. I do sound like an idiot. I tried again. Still no answer. Straight to voicemail.
"It's me again. I didn't mean to say that-I promise. Please...just let me explain."
I hung up again. I clenched my fists. Maybe...I should give it a little time.
10 minutes only? Shit. That's about how long I survived. I called again.
I sighed, "It's Jake. Your dad-he told me you left when I stopped by this morning. Where'd you go?" Please-Please tell me you'll come back….or at least if you...," I paused, "If you never wanna see me again. I still want-no it's so much more than that I...I need you in my life."
I ended the call. My heart sank. Oh man. I've done it this time. And the award for the biggest idiot goes to...me. Shit. I headed to Emily's. Last thing I need is to be holed up and just...thinking. The more I keep thinking about it the more I wonder if I can even fix it. When I opened the screen door and walked inside, I could barely handle the pity glances they tossed my way.
"Don't," I said, plopping into a chair, "Just...don't. I know what you're all going to say. That I should've told her sooner," I sighed, "I know, kay?" I paused but no reactions came. I sighed and went on, "I just wanted to love her for me, not just because my blood told me too." I squeezed my hands into fists, "And now I do. And she's gone. She left and she's...she's probably not coming back."
"Jacob," Emily said, "She has to come back. La Push is her home."
"Right," Rachel said, "She loves it here."
"It doesn't matter," I sighed, "She hates me and I'm here so-"
"It's not hate," Rachel said, "She's just upset. She'll calm down."
"Yeah just give her some time."
"All girls are like that, get angry over little things like eating all the food...," Paul said, catching a glance from Rachel, "But it'll work out."
"Exactly," Embry said.
"Where'd she go anyway?"
"Joe won't tell me-says she doesn't want me to know," I said.
"Ouch."
I glared at Seth.
"Easy...just saying."
"She probably just went back home," Jared said, "Where they lived before. Just go get her. Easy."
"I can't."
"And why the hell not?", he asked, "Thought you finally saw the light?"
"She doesn't want me, for one," I sighed, "And two...Drake still thinks she's here. Not gonna give the leech any sort of leg up. He needs to think she still is."
"What if he already knows she's gone?" Embry said, "We should have protection around her."
"We are, by making it look like she's still here."
"What's Eric have to say about all this?"
"He's going to kill him," Leah replied.
"I know," I sighed, "I knew that was coming. I deserve it."
"Jake," Emily came closer, "She loves you, remember that. She's mad now, sure, but that love is always there. She'll forgive you."
"Maybe," I said, "Maybe she shouldn't."
"Jake-"
"No-," I looked at all of them, "All of you….you all tried to tell me and I just couldn't listen. I kept holding on to something else, someone else that I should've let go of. Now that I finally see...It's all my damn fault. Jared's right-"
"Whoa whoa-don't bring me into this."
"But you are...I should've told her sooner. I should've gone to her last night and maybe...maybe she'd still be here," I scoffed, "I gotta be the only wolf in history who screwed it up with his imprint."
"Jake…"
"No-I'm gonna go...I can't do this right now."
Before they could say anymore I jetted out the door. I went back home, shutting myself in my room. I collapsed on my bed again, looking at the picture of us.I'd give anything to take it back, to redo that moment. How different it would've been if I'd said her name instead. It probably would've gone something like this…
"Kelly," I said, our foreheads pressed together. Slowly I opened my eyes, looking at her.
I could see it, her lips curling into a smile. "That was-"
"Amazing," I finished, "You shouldn't be surprised...you're one helluva kisser."
Her cheeks reddened, her eyes dropping to the ground.
"Hey," I said, pulling her face back to mine, "No need to do that...," I paused a sec, "I'm sorry I took so damn long."
She giggled, "And here I was about to say I told you so…"
"You did," I said, pressing my lips to hers again, gently, "Sorry I'm an idiot."
"You're not," she said, "Just a little slow."
We laughed. This. This is it. This is everything I've wanted...and then some.
"I love you," I said, "Don't leave. Please. Not yet."
"We'll talk about that later," she said, running her hands up and down my arms, "Right now I just...I can't believe this is happening."
"You should," I grinned, "It was always kinda meant to."
"What do you mean?" she tilted her head to the side.
"Remember when I told you about imprinting and you said you wish you knew who your soul mate was?"
"Yea…," she said, her eyes widened and she squeezed my arms, "You...you did? With-with me?"
"Yea," I smiled, "The moment we met," I paused, "I'm sorry I made you wait-I just-"
"No," she said shaking her head, "Don't. I don't want to trade this moment for anything."
"Me either."
"Is this really happening?" She asked.
"You tell me," I replied.
I leaned in again and she pressed her lips against mine. The glow, the fire, everything we felt just came out. Rain didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Just us. Forever.
"Is this a dream?"
Yeah. It is. Because that's not what freaking happened. That's what should've happened. That was the plan. But nothing ever goes according to plan does it? Hours dragged by. Raindrops slid down my window. the weather copied my mood. I picked up the picture again. God she's so beautiful. And perfect. And I wasted so much damn time. That's the part that's killing me too. I wasted all this damn time to finally tell her and now-dammit. I looked at the clock. Hours had passed. Guess that happens when you're lost in your own damn thoughts. Wishing you could change things…
Finally, I picked up the phone and dialed again. Again, no answer, just voicemail. I sighed.
"It's me. You're not gonna answer and I...I don't blame you," I sighed, "I am sorry-for everything," I am. I really freaking am. "Take the time you need. I'll wait...as long as it takes for you to forgive me and...come back. Forever even, and you know I can do that," I half-chuckled then paused. I swallowed then went on, "You're the most amazing person I've ever met Kelly-and I...I don't deserve you., not even as a best friend when I've been the worst person on the planet to you….," Her face flashed back into my mind. I really had. What kind of jerk am I? "I'll do anything to make it up to you if, if you'll just let me. I'm-I'm," I broke, my voice cracking, "sorry."
I ended the call and tossed my phone aside. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the picture again. She's so happy. I can hear her laugh. I love that smile. She's so...perfect. That's the only word I can think of. Everything I need, want...and I just blew it. I squeezed my fists and threw the picture. It smashed against the wall. Shit. I stood and went over to it. I picked the image up out of the frame. Shit. I didn't mean to break it. I picked up the pieces, the glass shards digging into my hands. Doesn't matter. They'll heal and it'll look like nothing ever happened. But I know differently. It did happen. I screwed it up. It's my fault. God I can't think of a reason she should forgive me. I can't forgive myself. Not for this. All this time I pushed her to the side...well in a way. I kept her by my side, needed her there….God I really did pull a Bella. I just strung her along and she fell in love with me. Now I'm in love with her and she's gone. Of course. I chuckled. Serves me right. Karma. I just wish it didn't hurt so damn bad. I can barely breathe. I don't even know...what happens to a wolf who loses their imprint? Can they survive? Or do they cease to be? I guess I'm about to find out.