4am
028. insanity

(au! btw, so sorry if i break your brain. D:)

"Itachi-kuuun?"

"Sakura? Is that you?"

"Of course it is, babycakes! Who else would it be?"

"…Are you drunk?"

"Aw, you know me so well! How'd you tell?"

"Just a hunch. Is everything alright? Do you want me to pick you up?"

"Nuh-uh! No boys allowed on girls night! I just wanted to ask you if you were bi. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, INO AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT IT, AND SINCE I'M THE ONLY GIRL YOU EVER TOOK INTEREST IN…YEAH. UNLESS YOU ONLY LIKE THE MANLY PARTS OF ME?"

"There's no need to yell, Sakura. I'm right here. And I assure you, you are very feminine."

"YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION, WEASEL. ARE YOU BI? OR WAIT, ARE YOU GAY, AND USING ME AS YOUR BEARD?"

"Beard?"

"Yeah! Like, so you don't look gay to everyone else!"

"It greatly bruises my ego to have my girlfriend question my sexuality."

"DO YOU IMAGINE I'M A MAN WHEN WE MAKE LOVE, ITACHI? DO YOU? DO YOU?"

"Sakura. Please stop shouting."

"TRYING TO AVOID THE QUESTION, HUH? DO YOU HAVE A MAN WITH YOU RIGHT NOW? IS THAT WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME? YOU LYING, CHEATING SLUT!"

"I feel the need to hang up, and wait until you're sober."

"SO YOU CAN PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED, RIGHT? BECAUSE I'LL FORGET BY TOMORROW."

"No, because I feel like my sanity is slowly slipping away. I am holding the phone at arm's length from my ear, and I can still hear you. Please speak with an inside voice."

"AFRAID YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL HEAR ME? HUH? HUH?"

"Sakura. I promise you that there is no one here. It's nearing four in the morning, and I would very much like to sleep. If you'd like, I will come and pick you up from Yamanaka-san's house tomorrow morning."

"…FINE. BUT IF I SEE EVIDENCE OF SOME GAY BUTTSEX GOING ON IN YOUR BED, I'M DUMPING YOU!"

"It's a deal."

"…Well, unless you make a tape of it! Then I won't dump you."

"…"

"Itachi? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just choked on something."

"You shouldn't eat at this time of day! It's a big no-no! YOU'LL BE FAT!"

"Of course. May I sleep now? I don't have the stamina to stay up until four in the morning like you."

"Only if you kiss me goodnight!"

"We're on the phone."

"So? Kiss me anyway!"

"I, ah, extend to you a loving embrace through the telephone line."

"…I don't feel the love! Is your boyfriend doing the naughty to you as we speak? IS THAT WHY YOU'RE SO QUIET?"

"I am a naturally silent person, Sakura. I thought you knew that. May I sleep now?"

"Okay, 'Tachi-chan! INO, WHAT KIND OF YAOI IS THIS? THERE WASN'T EVEN ANY ACTION!"

"…Goodnight, Sakura."

"Nighty-night!"

A/N: Fast update because I'm going on vacation tomorrow. I'll be taking my laptop with me, but I don't know if there'll be free internet in the hotels. (That, and I hope I can run into some inspiration for my works-in-progress. Multi-chaptered things are way too hard to write. Srsly.)