Meier's point of view

It's two am and I can't sleep at all. That's why I find myself staring at my collection of photos I took from Ludwig. I've got hundreds of photos spread out on my bed sheets, frantically searching for my favorite one. When I finally find the one I was looking for, a nice shot of Ludwig in one of the meeting rooms, smiling and chatting with another officer. I throw all other pictures from the bed onto the floor and start masturbating to my favorite one.

After reaching my climax with a loud growl I lean back into the pillows and unfortunately I feel bad for doing this. When did I get this obsessive over Ludwig? I still remember the first time I met the boy. I've known his father for years because we were in the same division in WW1. Many years after the war, his father came to visit me together with his youngest son, Ludwig.

He was only fifteen years old at the time, still a boy. I was interested in him since the first time I met him, of course I didn't fall in love with him that first day... I just thought he was interesting. His family was very poor , but Ludwig still managed to look good in his cheap and worn outfit. He was very shy, not daring to look at me. His father was very protective about his youngest son and told me how he was exactly like his mother , unlike his older brother Gilbert.

I didn't see him for years since that day, but I never forgot about him.

Four years later the boy walked into my office, he would be my new assistant. He looked still the same, only more manly and I grew even more interested. After he had been working for me a couple of weeks , I felt like I needed to touch him.. I wanted him so badly. Of course he didn't return my feelings. I love how he seems to be so strong and stern, but from the inside he's still a little boy, he always gets himself into trouble... and I like it when he asks my help. Every time he put out his cigarette into the ashtray I would wait for him to go home , then smell at it .The same for all documents he ever wrote for me, I would take the less important onces home with me just to study his handwriting.. I just wanted to have something from him. My feelings became worse and I even broke into his house and stole a shirt from him .. one he had worn the other day, it still smelled like him. He's just addicting.

Strangling him is the worst thing I've ever done and I still regret it. I hate to see him feeling sick and weak... but on other days I like the way he's vulnerable and in need of help to do the most simple things in life. I just can't control my feelings whenever I'm around him. Blackmailing him is the only way to be with him.

...

I'm on my way to his apartment, after he didn't show up at my office this morning. I hope he ain't sick , because I've been looking forward to tonight.

After knocking the door a few times, he still doesn't answer it and I feel slightly worried.. thinking about the worst scenarios. What if he committed suicide? I don't know why but I've been worried about that after I hurt him. . He feels weak and he's sick all the time.. I don't think he's weak though, he's actually a very strong person. He doesn't show his pain.. and I'm sure he's in a lot of pain by the way he looks.. so awfully thin and hands shaking constantly. I don't regret much things I've done in life , but I certainly regret hurting him like that. It just hurts so much to see him like this.

I use my key to open the door and step inside to find him curled up onto the couch, asleep. Getting closer to him I notice some heavy bruises on his handsome face and blood in his hair. He's clutching a picture of his brother against his chest.

" Ludwig, wake up" I shake him, afraid he won't wake up anymore.

Finally his blue eyes open. " Good morning , Herr Meier" His voice is so weak it hurts to listen to him speaking. He smiles and reaches for something on the table.. his cigarettes. I light one for him and he takes it from me.

" You didn't show up at my office, that's why I'm here. What happened to you?"

" I was out on the streets and ran into a group of citizens .. it was just a misunderstanding, I guess they thought I would shoot them.. and they probably have a family and no money to buy some food"

" That's no excuse to do this to you! Do you remember what they look like?"

" They just hit me a couple of times.. nothing too bad, it's just that they didn't know about my stupid brain damage and hit me on the head with an iron pipe. Now the stupid nosebleed is back again and I almost had to crawl back home because my legs couldn't carry my body anymore. It's not their fault , I'm just pathetic.. and I don't want to live like this"

I take both his hands. " Ludwig, don't say things like that. You're very strong and maybe you will be able to walk normal again tomorrow. The symptoms change , right?"

" I don't think I will.. but you're right I should be strong. I wrote a letter to mein Bruder last night , can you send it to him bitte?"

" Of course. You were thinking about him?" I point at the picture laying forgotten in his lap.

" Ja, I can't hold him.. but I can hold his picture instead. "

" Do you want me to take you to a doctor? I know a very good one"