"Leia?"
Leia gasped, startled at the sudden voice behind her. She whirled around to meet the surprised eyes of Han.
"Don't do that." She snapped at him, narrowing her eyes.
"I didn't know I could do that." He answered with a self-satisfied grin.
"Shut up."
His grin grew wider and she rolled her eyes.
"I was lost in thought."
"I figured." He nodded and folded his arms across his chest. "Someone said they saw you heading this way. What brings your worshipfulness to these secluded halls?"
Her glare lingered on him for a moment longer and at his impossible grin, she sighed and bit her lip, turning back to look down the dim corridor.
"I am debating with myself."
"Must be a long argument."
She shot him a look and he smirked. "Sorry." He cleared his throat. "About what?"
"Whether or not I should….visit him."
Han's brow shot up. "Him? As in Vader?"
She nodded once.
His face twisted up in distaste. "Why would you want to do that?"
"I don't want to but he's been here for almost two weeks. Luke says he's speaking now and he seems to believe that he's changed."
Han groaned and dropped his arms in exasperation. "Look, you know I like Luke but he's…"
"He's optimistic." Leia cut him off. "I know, sometimes a little too much but…" she lifted her shoulders. "He was on the Death Star. We weren't."
"Maybe not but it was he who Luke and I had to first rescue you from on the first Death Star. It was he who built both the Death Stars. He was the scourge of the galaxy!"
She turned to him sharply. "You think I don't know that?" She hissed. "You think I don't remember what he did to me and how many he killed?"
Han's eyes narrowed inquisitively. "I sense there's a 'but' coming."
Leia shook her head slowly, looking away from him. "But…he's my father." She struggled to get the words out. "And I know it doesn't mean much. It's just a word and a matter of biology. I don't feel connected to him at all, I don't even know him, but I do know Luke and having Luke… I've never known anything like it, the bond we have. He saved him, for whatever reason, he saved him."
"Oh yes, he saved his son from death, what a wonderful person he is! How noble…" he grunted as Leia elbowed him.
"I'm not saying he's a saint. I'm just saying there's a reason Luke decided to save his life. He says the man known as Anakin Skywalker still lives inside of him and that Vader died on that ship. I don't know if I can believe that but he saved my brother."
Han frowned and slowly reached out to touch her arm, drawing her to him and looking into her eyes. "You don't owe him anything, Leia."
"I know." She said quietly, momentarily taken by his intense stare. She closed her eyes, breaking their locked gaze and shook her head, "but I'm grateful all the same." She opened her eyes and sighed. "I always knew I would have to face him at least once. I've just been trying to get the stomach do so."
"If you feel you must." Han sighed. "I don't like it though."
"Neither do I." She looked up at him and smiled softly, reaching out to touch his arm. "Don't worry about me. Luke says he's practically paralyzed. He can't do anything to hurt me. At least not physically and I've survived him before."
"Worried?" Han scoffed. "Who's worried?"
Leia's brow twitched and she hummed knowingly.
"Fine, I'm worried but can you blame me?" He moved in closer to her, his hand moving to the small of her back in a protective gesture. "Just because Luke feels okay being near him doesn't mean he's okay to be around."
"I don't trust him but I do trust Luke and his judgement. Besides he is my father right?" Her lips twitched in a sardonic smirk.
"He took off Luke's hand." Han said grimly. "Clearly he's not above harming his children."
Leia rested her hands on his chest but his words kept that small sting of dread alive in the pit of her stomach. "I'll be fine."
"You, uh, you don't want me to come with you, do you?"
She tried to hide her smirk at his attempt to be supportive, despite the fact it was clearly the last thing he wanted to do. She loved him just for offering.
"No." He visibly relaxed in relief.
"This is something I need to do on my own."
"Just be careful." He leaned into press a kiss to her forehead and they shared another look before Leia released him and turned to head down the hall.
"Princess Leia." One of the nurses greeted in surprise when the doors hissed open.
"Hello Mistress Leia!" Greeted Threepio, clearly relieved to have another familiar friendly face in the room.
She gave them both a small, polite smile but her attention was drawn immediately to the bed.
She might have laughed if she still didn't feel so sick. The figure in the bed was an almost humorous version of the former Sith she knew.
His torso was still the black armor she had known but his arms and legs and helmet were a different shade of grey and the helmet was a different shape. One that wasn't so menacing.
She almost might have believed it wasn't even Vader save for the creepy mechanical breathing that haunted her dreams.
"Is he awake?" Leia asked the nurse, keeping her eyes focused on him.
"It's hard to say your Highness." She answered. "He hardly says a word, except to Master Skywalker."
Leia hummed and narrowed her eyes as she observed him.
It was strange to see him lying there so still, looking so vulnerable, when she remembered nothing but the height of him as he threatened her.
She also remembered Luke's panicked cries as he landed, dragging the almost dead man from the ship.
Part of her always wondered why Vader wore a full body of armor and mask but figured it was only a suit of armor like the stormtroopers and one to maintain his anonymity, as a coward, and to distill fear in his enemies.
As Luke pulled him out of the ship, the head of the man attached to the suit was badly damaged, his skin pale white where it wasn't red and scarred. They weren't new injuries. She would have been certain he was dead if not for Luke barking frantic orders at any medical personnel that came to help.
His screams of pain could be heard across the entire base when they were trying to repair him.
It was the suit that kept the man underneath, Anakin Skywalker, alive.
She let out a deep breath, trying to calm her pounding heart and the nausea and slowly walked over to his bedside.
She hesitated, unsure of how to address him. She refused to call him Lord Vader, the Empire was defeated and he was not a Lord anymore. She also refused to call him Father. Bail Organa was her father, no matter of biology. Yet, Anakin felt wrong too.
"Vader?" She finally went with, feeling that's the name he would know and answer to.
There was no response from the figure on the bed.
She felt relieved that she didn't have to deal with him yet and frustrated that all her mental preparation for this moment would be for naught.
She thought about turning on her heel and walking away but instead found herself plopping into the chair beside the bed. A place Luke had no doubt spent a lot of time in over the last several weeks.
"I don't know why I'm here." She spoke into the quiet air, refusing to look at him, instead focusing on the wall ahead of her. "You don't deserve my time or my compassion. You certainly didn't show any towards me or my home."
Her heart ached at the thought of the loss of her home and her family. It had been years since Alderaan was destroyed but it was a loss that the sting of would never lessen. Her entire world had changed the moment she received the plans of the Death Star - she had found her brother, and the man she loved, but had lost so much.
She sat in silence for a few minutes. Vader's presence, even unconscious, was unsettling.
She was about to leave, having had enough of sitting in silence beside him, when there was a sudden noise from the bed.
She slowly turned her head towards him and startled to find his head was tilted towards her. She couldn't see his eyes through the tinted eye cover but she somehow sensed he was awake and looking directly at her.
She held her breath and watched him carefully. His arm twitched, his palm turning upwards as he started to reach out towards her.
He didn't get far, he was too weak but still she leaned away from him.
"Padmé." His voice was a little more clear that time and different than she expected. It sounded more human and less like a machine.
She could almost hear the emotion behind his voice whereas Vader had none.
Her heart leapt into her throat once the name found its place in her memory. Her mother?
She did not know much about Padmé Amidala, only what Luke had told her and what she could find in historical records.
Her mother's name, said by her biological father, made her more real to her than she ever had been before.
"I'm not Padmé." She finally answered, her voice thick.
He was silent and still for a few long moments and then his arm slowly fell back into the bed by his side.
"Leia."
A shiver rolled down her spine at the certainty of his voice. He had said her name before but it was out of malice. It was different this time, he said it with the knowledge of being her father.
She swallowed thickly. "You remember me."
"Of course, you are hard to forget."
She stopped a bitter laugh from leaving her lips. Ordinarily she would have been proud she made such a lasting impression on her enemy. But he was not just an enemy.
"I am surprised to see you here." He continued. "Luke made it quite clear you were not interested in seeing me."
"He wasn't wrong about that." She admitted, her voice cold.
"Then why are you here? To mock your fallen enemy?"
Her lips twitched at the corners and she thought of Han and how that is exactly what he would be doing. It was above her dignity as a princess to do that and it was above her dignity as the man's daughter, no matter how much she wished she wasn't.
"No, I am here out of mere curiosity, to see why Luke was so adamant about saving your life."
He made a noise, which sounded like a garbled sigh and turned his head forward. "Luke is a fool."
Her brow furrowed, her eyes flashing in anger, in protection of her brother. "Don't you dare call him that. Luke is a great man who for some reason believes in you, whether that belief is foolish I'm not so certain, but he is no fool."
"You misunderstand me, Leia."
"Oh do I?" She sneered. "Well then please do explain."
"I am well aware the sort of man Luke is but I cannot see reason in his decision to save my life. I told him to let me go aboard the Death Star and he didn't."
Leia's brow twitched down, her anger calming at this new revelation. Luke had not mentioned that detail.
"He says you saved him." Leia said, her voice sharp but calmer. "That you killed Palpatine to save him."
"I had not agreed with the Emporer's views for some time but as my master I was obligated to obey him. He saw the same potential in Luke that he saw in me. Luke is strong with the Force…" he paused and turned his head towards her. "So are you, Leia. I sense it. With any wonder, as Anakin's children…"
Leia frowned. "Are you not Anakin Skywalker?"
"I was once."
"Luke believes you still are. That it was Anakin who saved him."
He fell silent for a long moment and then continued, avoiding the confirmation of that statement.
"Palpatine wanted to use Luke as he used me. I thought perhaps if I could convince Luke to join me…"
Leia bristled. "To join the Dark Side?"
"To rule together as father and son. Our power together, we could do wonders for the galaxy."
"And Luke refused." This was not surprising to her, she hardly expected Luke to be swayed by the Dark Side, even if it was his recently discovered father trying to drag him there.
"Luke was not so easily manipulated. Palpatine knew it as well, knew the threat he posed to the Empire and tried to kill him. He would have succeeded had I not intervened. I believed it to be my final act, to return, perhaps from the Dark Side and embrace the light that once was Anakin Skywalker."
"Luke saved your life in return."
"He shouldn't have."
The words hung in the air and a tense silence suddenly fell over them.
The only sound in the room was his mechanical breathing and the hiss and beeps of the various machines he was hooked up to.
She remembered the agonizing screams as they repaired him. She remembered what he looked like under that suit.
Leia felt a twisting in her stomach and hated herself for it. By all right and reason she should at least be apathetic to his pain, after all he inflicted pain on others including herself and Luke. However, she was not so unkind to realize the amount of pain any living creature must feel in his position nor could she ignore the fact he was her father. The once great Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker.
The man she called father and the man she loved as father would always be Bail Organa, and she could never forgive the Empire for his death. While it was Tarkin who pulled the trigger to destroy her home, Vader certainly took no means to stop him.
But why would he have? To Vader she was Princess Leia, on a mission to destroy everything he worked for.
"Did you know?" Leia asked finally, keeping her eyes focused ahead of her. She wasn't sure if the answer would make her feel better or worse but she had to know. "Did you know who I was when we first met? Who I was to you?"
"No." The answer was simple and definitive and she realized she was at least slightly grateful her father had not knowingly tried to kill his own daughter.
"And Luke?"
It was Luke that told her but she wondered how long Vader had known.
"After he destroyed the death star, I, of course recognized his name. I did not think it possible but Palpatine confirmed it to me that Luke was the son of Anakin Skywalker."
Leia furrowed her brow and slowly turned to face him. "You didn't know we existed?"
"No…" he said again, this time so quiet she barely heard it over his breathing. "I thought my child had died with her...or so, that is what I was lead to believe."
"Padmé." Leia said and her eyes flickered down as his hand twitched. The only emotional response she could see with all of that armor. "My mother."
"She was."
"What happened to her?" Leia asked, truly curious. She knew nothing about her mother, only that she had died in childbirth and so she was placed with the Organas but now with the knowledge of the existence of Luke, and knowing exactly who her birth father is, she figured there had to be more.
Why were she and Luke separated? Why did Luke bare the Skywalker name?
"I don't know." He spoke quietly and slowly and she knew his voice had to also be mechanical. In the new suit, it did not sound the same as Vader's. Yet, she swore she could hear his voice tremble and she frowned.
"Palpatine…" his fingers twitched and then curled into fists. A very smooth, mechanical motion that reminded her with another odd painful twinge that he was limbless.
His breathing increased and she slowly sat back, eyeing him warily.
"He told me it was me. That in my anger I had…" he cut himself off and Leia's heart dropped. "I couldn't have. I wouldn't have...Anakin Skywalker made a choice to turn to the Dark Side, but Padmé...she was my light. My grounding force. Everything I did was for her."
Leia stared at him, her heart pounding. It was the most human she had ever heard him sound. Perhaps he was not the soulless monster that she believed Vader was. Perhaps Luke was right, perhaps there was still some of Anakin Skywalker in him.
"You loved her."
"A love the Jedi forbid." Suddenly his voice was strong again, angry. "Yes, I loved her and you. I….I always thought the child would be a girl." He said this almost uncertainty like it was a memory long forgotten. Which made sense, she supposed, with how he talked about himself as if Anakin and Vader were two separate people. He must have chosen to leave all memories of Anakin behind.
"I should have realized as soon as I heard your name. Leia."
Everytime he said her name a shiver ran down her spine and her body tensed as if she had to defend herself.
"Why is that?"
"Our love, our marriage and certainly my fathering of her children was forbidden by the Jedi. Neither she or I cared about their rules yet we were forced to hide it, for my position in the Jedi order and for her reputation as senator. Those stolen moments with her brought me the most joy I had ever known. Despite knowing we could never be a proper family, knowing I could never claim you as my own, I lived for those moments. To feel you, you and your brother, as you grew inside of her. We argued over your names, believing there was only one child. She argued for Luke, convinced it was going to be a boy and I...I chose Leia. A beautiful, strong name for the daughter of a senator."
Leia cursed the tears stinging the back of her eyes. Her breath caught in her throat and she forced back any emotion because she refused to show him any weakness.
Yet, she couldn't help the emotion that swelled inside of her as he spoke. He was not Vader when their mother was pregnant, he was Anakin. She had always assumed the Organas had named her but no, it had been her biological parents. Her loving father Anakin had decided her name.
"Padmé must have lived to see you both. I doubt your names are coincidental."
Her lip quivered and she steeled her jaw, turning away from him.
She swallowed thickly and inhaled, slow and deep.
"So what happened?" She tried to keep her voice even. "If you were Anakin when my mother was pregnant and she was far enough along that you felt us move and were choosing names then what happened to make you betray her?"
"Betray her? I did not…"
"Yes! Yes you did!" She rose quickly to her feet and was grateful he could not move himself. "You said you made a choice to turn to the dark side and in doing so you betrayed her and what could have been our family."
He was silent for a long minute and somehow that unnerved her even more.
"I was trying to protect her." He finally answered, his voice strangely calm.
"Protect her?" She exclaimed incredulously. "How exactly is not only turning to the Dark Side but legioning with Emperor Palpatine, becoming one of the most powerful and feared Sith Lords in the entire galaxy, how does that, how did that protect her?"
"It didn't. Clearly, I failed. In very many ways, I failed. The Dark Side offered me something the Jedi would not and I let myself believe it was true. The Jedi order was a flawed institution but the Dark Side gave me no satisfaction either and it took my entire life to reach that unfortunate conclusion."
Her blood ran hot and fast, pounding in her ears. "Yes and at the cost of millions of lives and your own family's relationships. I lost nearly twenty years of knowing my brother. I never knew my mother and I certainly never knew Anakin Skywalker and you are telling me it was all to protect us?"
"I made a choice and it is one I cannot unmake. The Jedi Anakin Skywalker died the day I chose to embrace the darkness. The Sith Darth Vader died on the Death Star when I saved Luke. I am both nor neither man. Jedi nor Sith. I am an empty shell of all that could have been."
She was about to reply when the door hissed open and Luke appeared in the door, wide-eyed and frantic.
He froze a few steps into the room, looking between them, observing Leia standing beside their father's bed.
"You are here." He finally said, looking at Leia in surprise. "Han told me you were heading here but I couldn't believe…"
"Yes well I figured it was time to face the truth of the matter." She saw the concern on his face and tried to soften her stance, if only to comfort her brother.
"You don't need to worry, Luke, I'm fine."
Luke blinked and his shoulders relaxed. "Oh, well, that's good to hear but…" he smiled a little sheepishly. "It wasn't really you I was worried about."
Her brow shot up and they both looked over to the man in the bed.
She scoffed lightly. "Did you think I would kill him?"
Luke's lips twitched and he shrugged. "You certainly seemed angry about the fact that he was here."
"Well, I wasn't happy about it." She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at the suited man. "I'm still not sure how I feel about it...but i wouldn't kill him."
Luke finally relaxed in relief, almost smiling before a deep voice cut in.
"It would be a mercy."
Luke frowned and stepped into the room, approaching the other side of the bed. "Don't say that, Father."
Leia lifted her brow and looked at Luke, surprised at how easily the name slipped from his mouth. As if Luke had always known, as if the man was Anakin Skywalker and not some "empty shell" combination of both and neither.
"Luke, my son, I have told you my life wasn't worth it."
"And I told you that's a load of bantha poo!" Luke fired back and then looked back to Leia. "I'm not sure what you two were talking about, if you even talked at all."
"Oh we said quite a lot." Leia answered tensely.
Luke offered her a hopeful smile which she did not return.
"I still believe he is Anakin."
"And so what? Vader is gone, maybe, but he lived in darkness for over twenty years! You said it yourself." She looked directly at her father. "You are neither Vader or Anakin and certainly not the Jedi hero that was supposed to be our father."
"Leia…"
"I know you want to believe it Luke." She turned sharply on her brother. "And I am grateful for the fact that at least he decided to turn away from that darkness now but he is not the Anakin you've heard stories about and it certainly doesn't make us a family."
"Leia!"
Luke called after her as she turned and stalked out of the room.
"Let her go, son. She is not ready to accept my presence in her life and in truth neither should you. Not as easily as you have."
Luke stared longingly after Leia and then turned a frown down towards his father.
"Father…"
"I once asked you to join me, Luke and you refused."
Luke scoffed quietly. "I refused because I just learned that Darth Vader was my father nor did I want to join the dark side. I am a Jedi, like you once were and I believed that man still lives whether or not you or anyone else can see it."
With that final word, he turned and ran out the door after Leia. He caught her at the end of the hall and called out to her before she could disappear around the corner.
She froze, her body tense and as he approached her, he turned to him in exasperation, her eyes now wet with the tears she refused to shed in front of her father. "Luke, he made a good choice to save you, that doesn't make him Anakin again!"
"I'm not a fool, Leia. I know the darkness in him," he threw up his right gloved hand, "I fought him, I fought Vader and saw his corrupted soul. The same darkness lives in me, Leia, and probably you too, in all of us and we all have choices to make. He once chose to go down that dark road but don't you see? He has found his way back. I know he is not the great Jedi hero Obi-Wan told me about but he is Anakin Skywalker and he is our father."
Leia shook her head and took a few heated steps toward him. "It is not as simple as that, Luke and you can't expect me to look at him in that way. That is the difference between you and I. You grew stories about the great Anakin Skywalker, you have this image of him in your head and that man," she pointed viciously down the hall, "Is going to disappoint you when you realize how much of Vader is still in him. Me? I had a father, who was killed by his Empire and I refuse to be hurt by the ghost of Anakin Skywalker."
"He's not a ghost, Leia. He's a man. Just a man who made the wrong choice once. A man who now has realized where he went wrong and all he missed because of it."
"That is not my problem, Luke. We were supposed to be together but we weren't because of the choice he made. Our mother is dead because of the choice he made. We can't turn back time and pretend we are some happy family."
"I'm not trying to do that!" Luke exclaimed.
She lifted her brow. "It seems to me that is exactly what you are trying to do."
Luke shook his head and reached out for her and she flinched away from him. He froze and her face softened and then so did his. He tried again, his hand slowly moving to her arm and she let out a slow, shuddering breath as he gently squeezed her arm.
"You think there is still some Vader in him, and perhaps that is true," Luke shrugged, his voice softening, "In fact, it probably is but there is also some of Anakin. I just want you to see he is not just an evil Sith Lord, he is our father! And our father is just a flawed man who embraced the darkness when he shouldn't have and it doesn't mean there is no light in him now."
Leia closed her eyes tightly, Vader's words echoing in her mind. His memories of being Anakin and their mother's pregnancy clashed violently with his actions against the galaxy. She could not picture Anakin as he once was and she could not connect Darth Vader to the stories of that man.
"I connected with him Leia," Luke moved his hand down to take hers, "I can feel what he feels. He is reaching out towards the light, to me, to us." He squeezed her hand. "He wants to return to the light he just needs a little help."
She stared down at their joined hands and felt the familiar surge of warmth whenever she connected with Luke, something Luke told her was the Force. Vader had mentioned to her that she was strong with the Force, as Luke was, which is why she always could feel when Luke was in danger. She felt that connection to Luke, embraced it, because she loved him. She couldn't dare to let herself connect in that way with the man that was her father by blood only.
"I can't Luke." She whispered and dropped his hand, taking a step back and crossing her arms over her chest. "Not right now."
Luke's face fell and she refused to meet his eye. She hated that look on his face and she hated being the one to put it there.
"That's alright," Luke finally said quietly, "and I completely understand that. I'm just glad you went to see him."
She blinked away tears. "I'm glad I got it over with." She sighed. "I received some answers and that is all I wanted." She also was left with more questions but those answers would come in time.
She faced him, saw the man Luke believed him to be, saw the man he actually was and that was enough for her.
Without another word, or another look at Luke, she slowly turned around and walked away.
That could have been much worse, he thought as he watched his children leave the room.
When he first awoke, his mind still clouded from sleep, his vision blurred, he had seen a familiar face beside him and for a moment believed that he had died and was seeing his wife again.
The revelation that it was not Padmé, but Leia had shocked him back to reality, bringing with it the physical and emotional pain.
Leia had been the last person he ever expected to see sitting beside him.
He had been almost relieved to see her until she shirked away from him, staring at him with cold eyes.
Still, he took her in, observing her for the first time with the fresh eyes of being her father. She was a stark contrast to Luke, dark hair, dark eyes, cold and closed off where he was warm and inviting.
He could sense her presence in the force but couldn't reach it, she was no doubt unaware of her abilities. Bail would have hidden that bit of her identity from her, severing all connection to Anakin.
Luke had inherited his coloring, Leia her mother's but Leia's facial structure more resembled his.
She was angry too, with good reason, after all he had done, and knowing who he was to her.
He didn't know her, save for the few encounters they had had, but it was clear enough that she had a fighting spirit. He had fought Luke on the Death Star and knew his son could handle himself in a fight, could tap into that anger, but his daughter….
Leia resembled him in that way, a little too much.
She had infuriated him when they first met, lying to his face, defying him in every way. She was not unlike Padmé in that way but she was so much more like him.
He could not fault her for her anger, he deserved it and her words were not untrue. She had not accepted him as her father like Luke had. She would not so easily forgive his past misdeeds, misdeeds that had harmed her and those she loved.
No, he could not fault her at all. The only person, besides his mother, he had ever felt a familial bond to had betrayed him, as he had betrayed Leia.
When she first accused him of betrayal, to Padmé, to their family,he thought it outrageous. He had been only trying to protect them but the more Leia spoke, the more he realized how foolish he sounded.
Whether or not he believed turning to the dark side was the right thing to do, the action was one of betrayal to everything Padmé stood for, to the family they were trying to build. Whatever his intentions were, he had been wrong, the dark side wouldn't and didn't save her.
He had failed at everything he ever attempted to do. The Empire had flourished, with him as Palpatine's right hand, for more than twenty years but at what cost? Padmé's life, his children separated from him and each other, the power he longed for and though had was still nothing as long as he remained under Palpatine's control. He had lost everything and gained nothing. A betrayal indeed. He should have forgone the Jedi and the Sith, taken Padmé, seen to her survival and raised their children elsewhere. Instead he let Palpatine manipulate his anger, his fear, and his lust for power and turned him against everything he had truly ever wanted.
Anakin, you fool.
Anakin had been a slave, first on Tatooine and then to the Jedi. He thought he had freed himself by pledging himself to the dark side but Vader had been a slave to Darth Sidious under a guise of freedom. Now he remained a slave to his overwhelming guilt and self-loathing.
Trapped, no matter what he did, he was always trapped and he was growing rather tired of it.
Luke reentered the room and gave him a small, sympathetic smile. He hated that pity.
"She just needs more time, she'll come around."
Luke's persistent optimism was not as reassuring as his son likely thought it was.
"Luke, not everyone is as forgiving as you."
Luke shook his head and took a few meaningful strides towards him. "She just doesn't see it yet but she will."
He wished that were true. He wished he could be everything she deserved. He had stolen that chance from her before she was ever born.
It wouldn't be fair of him to expect forgiveness or even compassion from Leia.
He wouldn't forgive him either. He didn't forgive himself for everything he'd done to hurt his children, unintentional as it had been.
The could have been's would torment him for all of his days to come, whether or not Leia would accept him.
Leia was right, however much Luke wished it, however much he wished it, they were not a family.
Luke and Leia were, their love for each other was obvious, but he had no place among them.
He had missed her childhood, missed their childhood, missed watching them grow, and worst of all had taken those experiences from Padmé as well.
With Luke constantly at his side, reassuring him, distracting him, he felt the barest hint of hope for the future but Leia's dismissal of him had dashed any trace of it and left him once again in despair.
The destruction to the galaxy could be rebuilt but the destruction to his children's lives, to his own, could not be. He would not be forgiven, or accepted and he certainly wouldn't be their family, not in the way he should have been.
He was a stranger, to Leia, to Luke - however much his son thought he knew him - and even to himself. He didn't recognize himself, he never really had a true identity. The most alive he had ever felt was whenever he was alone with Padmé and then again as Vader when they were at the height of Imperial rule, before it had all gone wrong. Not suppressed by anyone, or anything, free to be whatever he wanted to be.
Padmé gave him no judgement, Padmé loved him despite all of it. And as Vader, everyone respected or feared him too much to try and stop him and Palpatine encouraged his behavior.
He lost those two things, and now he had Luke, which gave him some comfort but his life would never be what he wanted it to be.
His past, he feared, would haunt him forever.