Chapter 13: Unexpected Arrangements
"Uh...come again?" Beetlejuice found himself asking the question in the most moronic, dumb-assed manner possible. He was pretty sure he'd dropped about eighty IQ points in about five seconds.
"I uh...said I want to stay with you, if that's okay." Lydia repeated, with her big, pitiful eyes and her extreme hotness throwing him for a loop. If he wasn't already a dead son of a bitch, he'd have felt his pulse at this point. Just what the fuck was happening? Since when had he become tolerable enough for anyone to stay with? Last time he checked, women were revolted by him, even the ugly ones! Was this some sort of sick joke? Was Satan himself going to tunnel up from hell and give him the finger or something? Since when did Lydia Deetz actually want to be around him in any way, shape, or form, for any other reason than that damned guilty conscience of hers?
Okay, enough of this shit! It was time to make her feel extremely uncomfortable, while simultaneously finding out why she was pulling this weird shit. "Why?" he asked with the enthusiasm of a sedated zombie, still in a shit-for-brains haze of not knowing what the fuck was going on.
He watched as Lydia fidgeted around. She fumbled about a bit, apparently digging around in that head of hers for the right words to say while she bit her lip. Damn, that part was sexy. "If you haven't noticed, I don't really have anywhere to go..."
"Gee, thanks, Deetz! So glad I'm yer last resort!" he spat, grinning in a mock gesture of happiness. Not exactly the answer he wanted to hear. At all.
"No! I mean, that came out wrong." Lydia exclaimed, apparently backpedaling on the fact that she made it sound like his house was the object she wanted to obtain. "I mean, I don't just need a roof over my head. I can always do what I did before we met in that bar. I just don't have anyone. My ex-fiance is gone, my family isn't here, and well, you're the only friend I have. And I guess I just don't want you to be pissed at me or anything, which I'm pretty sure you are right now."
"Hey wait a minute! Who said I was pissed? I told you, I ain't pissed! I told ya, I don't need yer help anymore, Babe." he rattled off, only just now realizing that she had indeed admitted that it was actually him that was the reason she'd wanted to stay. Then he paused, returning to his previous, dumb shit state of mind. "But...uh...you can stay, Deetz." he added, just to make sure she wouldn't run off or anything. Then he mentally berated himself for doing that same old dance again, right in the same damned circle, too.
"You're really not mad?" Lydia's eyes narrowed in on him skeptically.
"No. You can stay, Deetz. Not as mah personal slave, but as a uh...friend, or whatever..." he muttered, almost inaudibly, but just loud enough so that she could hear. Then her eyes did that whole wide and gleamy thing, she smiled, and laughed, and he practically handed her his balls all tied up with a neat little bow. All she had to do was lay 'em on the chopping block and neuter his ass as this point. He sure as shit couldn't do anything about it.
Then she thanked him, and of all things, hugged him. She hugged him. Women did not hug Beetlejuice. Women did nothing with Beetlejuice. Paid hookers did some things with Beetlejuice, and charged him way more than other guys just to do such things, and that was some pretty unfair shit, but that was also beside the point. The point was that Lydia was hugging him, and it was lingering, and he was standing there with his dick in the dirt like some sentimental moron while she made him all soft and gushy inside. He needed to do something douchey and quick, or he'd be saying 'yes, dear' and putting the toilet seat down in no time. Beetlejuice did not put the toilet seat down. Ever. Maybe he'd slap her ass just to piss her off.
"You know, you're not such a bad guy after all, BJ. I knew everyone was wrong about you..." she smiled, squeezing him tighter.
"Yeah, well..." he grumbled, patting her back in a manner that looked as if he'd catch on fire if he touched her. And just like that, the thoughts of pissing her off had magically vanished and his testicles had promptly retracted into his undead body. And just like that, he was fucked.
Lydia laid on Beetle's couch, looking up from her newspaper when she heard him sigh. He was sitting on his recliner, glaring a whole into a wall as smoke barreled out from his mossy lips. His cigarette had nearly burned clear to the butt, its ashes hanging crookedly toward the carpet. A whole bottle of whiskey sat empty on the endtable beside him.
"Everything alright, BJ?" Lydia asked, strangely unnerved by how quiet Beetlejuice had been. Beetlejuice was never quiet.
"Eh...Guess the ole' B-man is gettin' a bit anxious. I'm pretty sure them broads have thrown a few bangers by now, knowwhaddimean? I just don't get why fat, white Urkel ain't callin' for me by now." he muttered, unenthusiastically, as his ashes finally hit the floor, collecting into the pile that had formed long ago.
"Maybe they're partying at someone else's house. I'm sure you'll hear from Gerald soon." Lydia tried to reassure him. He really was a mystery, Lydia thought. She'd never expected him to be the type to get dragged down at all. Of course, she'd never expected him to release her from her debts, either, and he'd done just that. Ever since that moment, he'd been a bit different. He was much calmer, which was odd, given who and what he was. He reminded her of a wild animal that had been somehow sedated, and that was very unsettling. Just when she thought she'd begun to learn who he really was, he'd go and reveal another facet of himself. It was quite intriguing, actually, if not a bit alarming.
"Eh, maybe." he grunted, lighting another smoke with the snap of his dirty fingers.
"You really want out, don't you?" Lydia asked earnestly, feeling surprised with just how desolate he'd become while he waited for his chance. She'd realized long ago that he was desperate, but she didn't realize just how unhappy he could be.
"What do you think, Deetz?" he scoffed, flicking some more ashes into the pile on the floor.
Now was her chance to pry a bit more into his thoughts and motivations, and promptly ignore her own. "No, I'm serious. You never told me why you wanted out so badly. What happens when you get out?"
"Look, Deetz, it's my business why the hell I want out." he grunted defensively.
Maybe she'd use another tactic. "Please?" she pouted, knowing full well that he wasn't comfortable with dealing with that sort of thing.
"Ugh..." he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Leave it alone, Deetz."
"Aw, come on, BJ! It can't be that bad!" Lydia insisted, hoping to pry it out of him, and perhaps secretly find out if he'd ever come back.
"FINE!" he spewed, throwing his empty bottle against a nearby wall and shattering it, while the lights dimmed. "I wanna get out so I can get outta this fuckin' hell hole! It's full of no good deadbeats who could give two shits about lookin' at my mug! They ain't nothin' here for me, Deetz! I'm fuckin' bored as hell here. I wanna be out there again! I liked it a hell of a lot better than this creepy dead shit!"
Lydia began to truly feel sympathy for the poltergeist. Sure, he was playing it off as boredom, but her gut told her it was more akin to loneliness. He was right, nobody really cared for him in the Neitherworld, that much was apparent just from watching him in the bar she'd been lurking in. She remembered the way the crowds would part, sniggering and sighing when he entered a room. She heard the things people said about him. Lydia was pretty sure she was the only person who could even tolerate him, let alone like him.
"I'm sorry I took that from you, BJ." she admitted, somehow feeling the urge to show him some sort of kindness. Her sanity had flown out the window long ago, so why not?
"Look Toots, stop with that apologizin' stuff already. It's over, and I no longer give a fuck about it, alright? S'probly better that way, anyway." he said, wiping a hand down his face in defeat.
"What does that mean?" Lydia asked, honestly curious to his answer. If his previous behavior didn't seem like him, then this really wasn't.
"It means what I said. It's probably better. Look, I was desperate, and you were just a kid an' all. Wouldn't like I was gonna do anything to ya, any way. This way ya got to grow up an' not have to be bound to a dead guy and shit. Sure, you picked a dweeby asshole to try an' marry, but it wasn't me. It's done. It's over. That's it, okay?" he shrugged, with some teeny, tiny vein of remorse running through his mannerisms.
"Okay..." Lydia nodded, feeling strangely sad for some reason. However nice it was to actually hear a small shred of humanity come from his lips (albeit unsettling), she also felt a bit like their time together would soon be up, especially judging by the finality of his words. "What happens when someone is bound to you? What would've happened to me?"
Beetlejuice curled his lip in disgust. "You sure like to ask a lot of questions, don't you, Deetz?"
Lydia simply remained silent, hopeful that he'd answer and not eventually blow up.
"Ugh...Fine! Not much would've happened to you, since you didn't know the rules an' all. I, on the other hand, would get my human form back and all that jazz. I could travel back and forth, reverting to each form depending on the plane of the existence I'd be in. I could walk among the living, the dead, scare people, not scare people, fuck living chicks again..." he said, grinning with his last words. "It'd be peachy for me, Deetz."
"What rules?" Lydia furrowed her brow, now deeply interested in what Beetle truly knew about the whole ordeal. Just what had he truly attempted to do? What would have been witheld from her knowledge? What would happen to one of those poor girls he was about to trick into marriage?"
"Well, since you're a stiff now, I guess I can fill ya in." he began, taking a long drag from his cigarette and blowing a huge smoke ring, that somehow seemed to remind her of that wedding ring Beetle still had in his drawer. "Whoever the lucky bride-to-be is, will be completely bound to the B-man, and will gain a small shred of mah power. But, she has to actually be aware of the whole shebang to even use it. What she don't know, she can't use!" he began cackling at this point, seeming truly happy to keep his power to himself. "She'd be the only one who could use the B-word against me, and if she didn't know, I'd be a free man. Ah, good times ahead...At least until she takes the big dirt nap, but hey, that could be fifty years of freedom." he spoke wistfully, donning a big, stupid grin.
Lydia decided he seemed a bit more like his old self after those remarks. Leave it to him to screw someone over on multiple levels. "So, it's only temporary? You'll be back, then?" Lydia raised an eyebrow curiously.
Suddenly, a sneaky grin painted its way across his lips. "What? Will ya miss me? Can't bear for the B-man to leave ya?"
Here he was, cornering her again. May as well tell the truth, she thought. It wasn't like things could get any worse for her. "Well, maybe a little. I guess you kind of grew on me like mold or something." she smirked.
"Yeah, well, that's kinda mah thang." he drawled, putting on a feigned air of modesty and bashfulness, before changing the subject. "Whadabout you, Deetz? You still gonna look for that prick that left ya standin' at the altar, or what?"
Lydia's heart sank, remembering Eugene, and all of the penalties currently against her. She literally had no choice but to find and face him so that he might tell her what happened. "Yeah, I really need to. It might be the only way I'll gain my abilities. Then I can actually see my family again."
"Yeah, thought so." Beetle muttered, wincing for some reason when she'd mentioned the name of her ex again. "Look, I'd go talk to one of 'em myself, but I'm kinda on probation and shit. If word gets around that I talked to 'em, I'm kinda fucked." he said regretfully. Then Lydia wondered immediately why he'd take the risk of trying to find her again when he thought she was still alive. Of course, Beetlejuice was all about benefits, and if the benefit outweighed the risk, he'd still do it. She had come the closest to actually getting him out, after all.
Still, she couldn't resist the urge to bring it up for some odd reason. "Didn't stop you from looking for me." she smirked mischievously.
"Real funny, Deetz." he glared, not amused. "That was different. I coulda got out with you. Besides, you're a helluva lot more easy to stomach than the rest of those assholes. No offense." he remarked, instantly making Lydia feel that there was really another reason he'd gone searching for her in the first place. He obviously had to feel differently about her, and that some how made her feel more regretful that they hadn't ever got to seal the deal. Why was she feeling that way, again? True, she'd felt remorse about it before, but this was rather different.
"No offence taken," she mumbled, realizing that she had to be the single most twisted woman in the realm of existence.
The room fell quiet for a moment, before Beetlejuice's eyes began to narrow, as the jagged gears in his head were apparently turning. "There maybe somethin' I can do, Babe." he stood, flicking his cigarette and watching it dissolve in mid-air.
"Really? You'll help me?" Lydia nearly gasped, dropping her newspaper to the floor.
"Sure. Why the hell not?" he shrugged. "I'll be back."
Before Lydia could so much as ask what he was planning to do, he'd vanished in a cloud of green mist.