Chapter 14: Another Bargain

Beetle materialized in the waiting room, looking with disgust at the various mutants and abominations that lined the walls of said waiting room. He sure didn't miss that place, and he sure as shit didn't miss sitting in that place with a head the size of a golfball.

"Heya, hi, how are ya?" he looked about himself, feeling all eyes on him. "Well, nice knowin' you deadbeats." he quickly shrugged it off, walking up to see little Miss Argentina, or as he liked to call her, Miss Suicide Extraordinaire with a Side of Bitchy Secretary Stirred In. He then promptly reminded himself he'd have to come up with a shorter nickname for her later.

"Hey there, Sugar..." he leered, hunkering down on the other side of the glass to meet eye to eye with her.

He watched as she sighed, hanging up the phone placed at her ear, and glaring at him in her usual, bitch-like fashion. It would have probably made him extremely horny if it wasn't for Deetz. Damn, she had him by the nads!

"Not you again." she rolled her eyes, sighing. "Here, take it, sit down, and don't open your mouth." Miss Argentina demanded, shoving a ridiculously long number written on a strip of paper in his face.

Beetle grinned from ear to ear, watching her eyes nearly burn a hole through his head. "'Fraid I can't do that, Dollface. Now why don'tcha make this a hell of a lot easier for the both of us, and let me see the old bag? Ah, ah, ah!" he scolded, wagging his finger before she could tell him to fuck off, which was exactly what she was beginning to do. "Now before you tell me to piss off, just remember how much fun you had the last time my ass was in here. Do ya reallly hate yerself that much? Ya really wanna do that to yerself? Or would ya rather take that piece of paper, tear it the fuck up, and let me talk to her? Then I'm gone and out of your big, curly pageant hair. What'll it be, Toots?" he threatened, remembering just how unpleasant he'd made his last stay for her. Hell, how was he supposed to know she wasn't lying about not being a stripper? How was he to know that asking four to five times a day for a lap dance was a bit much? Was a guy really so bad for wanting some cheap entertainment while waiting in Satan's outhouse to see the single most ugly hag in the Neitherworld? He didn't think so.

Miss Argentina snarled her lip, before crushing the paper in her hand. "Fine, go. And don't you dare ask me if I'm a stripper, because you already know the answer." she spat, glaring.

Beetle feigned a big, stupid grin. "Good. I'll be waitin' for that lap dance when I get out." he growled, as she seethed, hitting the glass in her rage as he walked briskly away, cackling like a madman.

"Ah, Juno, you sweet, beautiful creature, you! It's been so long! How the fuck are ya, Baby?!" Beetlejuice barged through her door, interrupting her meeting with one of her clients, who happened to be a man in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, with a large needle lodged firmly in his neck.

She glared at Beetle, before finishing up. "Alright, you have all the paperwork I've given you concerning your transfer to the next life. Now get out of here, and stay the hell away from this guy if you actually want to stay in Paradise." She pointed a wrinkly old finger toward Beetlejuice, as the man nodded hesitantly, before slowly leaving the room.

Beetle invited himself to plop into the chair in front of her desk, before thrusting his muddy boots on her table, strategically placing them on a large stack of papers. He looked about the office, pretending to be impressed. "Ah really like what you've done to the place, Junes. Has a nice ahm-bee-ahnce about it, ya know? Guess it's the whole 'slave to the system' oppression thing ya got goin' on here...Really makes it feel like home!" he gushed, watching her ugly face scowl, and making it even more unattractive, if that was even possible.

"Shut up, Juice! What the hell do you want?!" she huffed, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag, as Beetle watched the smoke roll up from the slit in her throat. Damn, that was nasty.

"Alright, I'll cut to the chase. I need you to look into public records for me. I need info on a prick named Eugene Havard, and where he lives." Beetle grunted, hoping she'd ask as little as possible about his situation, though she probably wouldn't do that.

She shot him a wary look. "This isn't another bouncer you want to torment is it? Did you get thrown out of that nightclub again?"

"Fuck no! That only happened three times, anyway..." he scowled, crossing his arms.

"Then what is it? Ugh, you know what? I don't even want to know. You're gonna do whatever the hell you want, anyway. Wait here and DON'T touch anything!" she warned, before disappearing into a back room.

About twenty minutes and a couple of Juno's stolen cigarettes later, she finally emerged with a file in her wrinkly old hands. Why was she so damned wrinkly? She sat back down, giving him a look that clearly said she'd figured out what he was doing.

"Well?" he spat impatiently, ignoring her telling glare.

"Don't pretend I don't know what you're doing here, Juice. I've scanned over his file. This is Lydia Deetz' ex-fiance. What are you doing with her again? Didn't I tell you to stay the hell away from her from now on?" she seethed, still glaring daggers.

"Hey! I didn't go lookin' for her! We ran into each other, and we sort of...made nice with each other and all that shit..." he grumbled, a bit embarrassed for having to admit it. Of course, it was only a half-truth, given the fact that he'd actually looked for her before, and also given that she sort of helped him gain a chance to get out again, which Juno would NOT need to know.

"I know you too well, Juice. Don't think I don't know what you're trying. You obviously had leverage over that poor girl, since she breached your agreement. Which, I might add, you should have never forced her into in the first place!" she hissed, throwing the file on her desk unceremoniously.

"Woah, now! I didn't force her! She said yes!" Beetle made sure to add, though he knew he had not a snowball's chance in hell of winning an argument with the likes of that liver-spotted witch.

"She was under duress, and you know it! You took advantage of a little girl, Juice! You were going to use her to get out, and she paid the price for you being an asshole!" Juno fumed. "You're the reason she can't have her abilities, she can't see her family, and she doesn't even know how she died! Why she has anything to do with you baffles the daylights out of me!"

"Well, I'm gonna help her ass, okay?! There, ya happy? I'm gonna find this prick that stood her up and take her to him so she can find out somethin'. Then, bam! She has her powers and all that good shit back. Geez, Juno...Talk about ridin' my ass..." he huffed, exasperated. Yeah, yeah, yeah! He knew he was the Neitherworld's biggest asshole for doing that to her, but at least he was trying now.

"What? What did she do for you, Juice? I know you. You don't just help people out of the goodness of that tar pit you call a heart." she spoke, narrowing her eyes.

"Ugh...She apologized and made me feel sorry for her and all that crap." he sighed, eyeing his crusty fingernails for a distraction. Man, he was feeling super uncomfortable right about now.

Juno fell quiet for a brief moment, before opening her old trap again. "You've done all that to her, and she came to you and apologized?" she asked, seeming genuinely curious for once.

"YES! How many times are you gonna make me say it?! Yeah, I'm a bastard! I get it!" he yelled, as his anger starting to rise.

"You've been using her again, haven't you? Is she helping you get out, Juice? Because if she is, she'll be penalized again, and it will be twice as harsh given the fact that she's not finished her first sentence." Juno warned before taking another hit off her cigarette.

"Yeah, well, she's not helping me. Whatever I do is all me, Junes. Truth is..." he began, instantly feeling tense and strained by what he was about to admit. He had to admit it, though, for her safety. He wasn't about to drag her into more of his consequences. "Lydia's a good kid. She didn't have nowhere to go, and she's been stayin' with me. She's actually pretty good company, if you can get past all that endearing, nice shit she does." he smirked, taking his boots off her desk and straightening in his seat. "I wanna help her."

Juno's stern expression surprisingly softened, as she studied him for a moment. "I don't know why on earth I believe you, but somehow I do. I don't know how the hell this happened, but somehow you've actually learned how to care about someone besides yourself for once. That being said, I still think you are up to no good. I know you, and I know you've been trying to get out for a long time, Juice. I've heard rumors that you've attempted this feat again, but failed miserably like you always do. You were a crook when you worked for me, and you're still a crook now, and this Lydia girl seems to be the only one who can bring out what little humanity you have left. If she's so special to you, like she seems to be, I don't know why you don't just give up these useless attempts and be with her. She obviously cares for you, and she's way above your station, so why don't you stop while you still can?" Juno explained, for once not seeming bitter or vindictive.

Damn, he hated being put on the spot. Maybe he'd just answer with a question, since that always seemed to veer the conversation away. Unfortunately, the question was still on subject, which proved that he was stupid as fuck. "You really think that chick cares for a wanker like me?"

"Apparently, since she sought out your forgiveness and decided to shack up with you. Sure seems like it." she stated, matter-of-factly.

"Hey, now! We ain't shackin' up. Hell, we ain't even had sex! Not even close!" he countered, only now realizing his mistake. He'd just admitted to being a whipped puppy in the presence of Lydia Deetz. Shit.

"Really?" Juno asked skeptically, as Beetle nodded in embarrassment. "You have a young woman living with you, and you haven't tricked her into sleeping with you yet? I can't believe it..." she grumbled to herself in disbelief. "I'll admit, that's a new one on me, Juice. You must really like this one."

Beetlejuice sighed, running a hand through his wild hair. There was no use lying to Juno. She'd see right through him, anyway. "Yeah, well...Don't go tellin' everybody. I gotta reputation to maintain, an' all that."

"Juice, don't let this one go. It's not worth a such a short span of freedom. I know you hate it here, but we all hate it here. Look, there's only two people in the whole Neitherworld who don't believe that you're as despicable as you seem, and I sure as hell don't want to spend my life with your ass. That leaves her, Juice. Don't screw it up." she spoke, somehow seeming compassionate through her usually insufferable demeanor. Hell, Juno could be alright sometimes. Maybe that's why he'd requested that she stayed his case worker in the first place. Or maybe it was just fun to torment her from time to time. Whatever.

"Er...I'll uh, think about it..." he admitted reluctantly, knowing full and well Lydia was perfect. He'd been smitten with the chick since they'd reunited, but he wasn't so sure it was the other way around.

"I'm only giving you this information because of her, Juice. She has to be a saint to put up with the likes of you. Help her, for her sake." Juno spoke, handing him the file. "Now get out of here. I have a shit-ton of paperwork to do, and I don't need you in here stinking the place up." she spat, immediately reverting back to her geriatric, soul-sucking form.

"Yeah, yeah..." he muttered, taking the file and heading for her door. Suddenly, a small pang of fear hit him, causing him to turn to her and blurt out his current thought. "What if she don't want me?" he asked, instantly revolted by the vulnerability leaking through his voice.

Juno sighed, putting down her pen and picking up her cigarette once more. "She's come this far, Juice. That's no small feat, considering no one can stand you. Just do right by her. She'll come around."

He figeted about, nodding hesitantly before leaving her room. In a very short span of time, he'd been reduced from a terrifying, vile poltergeist, to a domesticated, nad-less man. Go figure.

Unfortunately, that bout of wallowing in his own pitiful thoughts was abruptly ended by a sharp, pointed stiletto to the family jewels, causing him to fall to the floor and squeal like a little girl, grabbing his groin.

"There's your lap dance, you asshole! Now, get out!" Miss Argentina hissed, before briskly clacking her way back to her office. Damn, he needed to quit pissing off women.

Lydia paced about the kitchen, wondering why the hell Beetle had vanished, and just what he was up to. It wasn't until she'd began to grow a little worried, that she heard a loud thud in the living room of the roadhouse.

"BJ?" she called, walking in on him, as he staggered up from the floor, clutching at his crotch and holding a folder full of papers. "What happened to you?"

"Eh, nothin' I didn't deserve." he muttered, hobbling over to the sofa, where she sat beside him.

"Is there anything I can do? You need me to get you something?" she asked, feeling concerned for him in a way that seemed a bit stronger than before.

"You could kiss it an' make it all bet - Er...Uh...Nah, I'm good." he rasped, wincing, and apparently holding back on some lewd comment he was about to make. Smart move, Lydia reasoned.

"What is that?" she asked, pointing to the strange folder in his grasp with intense curiosity.

"This right here is the file of our ole' buddy, Eugene Havard, and boy have I got a treat for him!" he grinned maliciously, licking his green teeth before handing it to her. "It's all yours, Babe."

"Is this all his information?" Lydia asked, startled by such a nice gesture. Before she could control herself, she threw her arms around Beetle, squeezing him and causing him to groan in pain. She quickly let go in response. "Sorry."

"Nah, it's all good, Babe. I uh...don't mind. Well, besides the horrific testicle pain and all..." he admitted, causing a warmth to well up inside of her.

Then, she paused. "Wait. Did someone kick you in the nuts?" she asked, wrinkling up her face in disgust.

"Uh, yeah. Anyway, I have a plan, Toots. We're gonna pay ole' Eugene a visit, and get your afterlife back. Whaddya say?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows up and down.

Lydia smiled, feeling truly hopeful for the first time in ages. "I'm in."