Chapter 23: A Deal is a Deal
"Well, helloooo there..." Beetle drawled in the best douchebag perv voice he could muster, all the while blatantly ogling the blonde woman's cans and hoping she'd be thoroughly pissed by such a display. If there was one thing Beetlejuice knew, it was that he was pretty damn good at pissing off people, both living and dead, and women were his particular area of expertise in this field. Hell, he was practically the MVP of old creepy perverts, and by god he hadn't earned it for no reason! What could he say? He was passionate about his endeavors.
He leered, watching the woman's caked face twist into an expression of general displeasure and disgust that he'd seen on many a hookers' face at one time or another. She quickly took a step back, her red stilettos clacking harshly on the floor. Good, Beetlejuice thought. Bitch is already squirmin'.
"Yes? Can I help you?" she asked flatly, arms defensively crossed over her chest, glaring daggers at him for the offense. Oh yeah, he remembered that look. It was pretty damned hot. If Deetz hadn't been right behind him being a thousand times hotter, better, and somehow able to place both his testicles in a vice grip and crunch the manhood out of him, he'd have probably propositioned the broad right then and there. Then he considered Lydia. Discreetly, he glanced out of the corner of his eye to see if maybe...just maybe...she was a teensy, weensy bit jealous. To his dismay, she appeared blank and expressionless. Shocked, even. Regardless, like the great pioneer that he was, Beetle ventured forward.
"Heh, nah. Nope. Negative. Not really." he remarked, taking an intruding step closer to the woman and leaning against the doorway. He snickered as she stepped further back into her apartment. "But I can most certainly help you! Now, if you'll just give the ole' B-man one miniscule iota of your time, he'll show you just how he plans to do that!" he chuckled, patting his briefcase, and knocking about an inch of grave dirt off of it. The woman watched with a look of displeasure as the nasty clump unceremoniously splatted on the floor.
"Heh, sorry 'bout that." Beetle snorted, purposely kicking the dirt further into the apartment, while pretending to attempt to push it out of the way.
"Excuse me, but just WHAT are you helping me with?" the woman asked, already exasperated.
"Well, Sweetcheeks, I'm just DYIN' to tell ya!" he chimed, allowing himself in and seating himself on a nearby sofa.
He unlatched the buckles on his briefcase, chuckling to himself menacingly, and glancing at her from time to time. The blonde looked to the doorway, before speaking again. "...Is that girl with you?"
Shit, he'd forgotten about Deetz! She was currently still standing in the hallway, wringing her hands nervously. "Uh, yeah. She's my...uh...assistant...Yeah." Beetle muttered, definitely not sounding lame at all. Yeah.
The bimbo sighed, rolling her eyes and rudely motioning for Lydia to come in as well. Bitch. If ole' Funbags thought she could be shitty to Lydia, she had another thing comin'. Beetlejuice grinned wider as Deetz quietly sat beside him. He glanced to his side, noting just how miserable Lydia appeared. Like on the verge of tears miserable. Surely she wasn't going to sob over that shit stain right in the middle of his awesome plan to traumatize the fucker, which was technically really HER idea instead of his in the first freakin' place! Of course, the awesomeness was still definitely his contribution.
Unable to hold back his frustrations, he turned and scowled at Lydia. "Really, Deetz? Now?! What's yer freakin' problem?" he growled under his breath.
"Nothing!" she gasped, her eyes wide, as if she knew she'd been caught in the act of sulking. She quickly straightened, pretending to not be thinking of what she was definitely thinking of, and that, of course, didn't fool the ole B-man. And because it didn't fool his self-proclaimed razor sharp intellect, he let her know by shooting her his best yeah right you were totally thinkin' about Sir Broke Dick, so don't try and hide it now look.
"Eh-hem!" Beetle found himself jolted back to the situation at hand by the less-than-pleasing screech of the impatient bimbo that stood, glaring daggers through his head. Beetle simply grinned all big and toothy like. Hell, he'd seen that look on a woman's face over a million times. He wasn't scared of it. Much.
"Ah, yes...A'course..." Beetle held his smile, taking out a stack of dusty papers, causing both women to cough simultaneously as he blew said dust off of them and in the particular direction of Blondie's face. "What I'm here to offer ya this fine mornin'-"
"Morning? It's late! It's like three a.m.!" Blondie hissed in protest, amid her coughs.
"Nah, Toots! That's early! What can I say? I'm pretty damned good at mah job!" he bragged, straightening the papers on the coffee table in front of him.
"Fine! Just get on with it already!" the woman groaned, the bitchiness in her voice causing Beetle's face to twitch ever so slightly.
"Oh, of course m'lady..." he snorted, straightening his ratty bowtie and standing. "What I'm offering to you is a complete and total bargain, a deal, a once in an afterlife time offer! It's practical, logical, and damned if it ain't sold by the sexiest assed ghost in the Neitherword on top a that!"
To that, the blonde scoffed, looking to Lydia. "Her?"
"What? Hell no! I meant me!" Beetle licked his lips and popped out his ass just a bit to allow her to admire. And admire she did! She may have tried to hide it by the way her face wrinkled in complete and utter repulsion, but he knew deep down she couldn't resist his prime cut hams.
"What the B-man is offerin', is a one-shot chance for this specialized, testified, certified, one hundred percent not from concentrate Death Insurance for the Formerly Living!" he spoke with much vigor, or what some laymen may have referred to as yelling.
The broad placed her hands firmly on her hips, scowling. "And just why the hell would I need that?"
"Why the hell not?" Beetle barked irritably, his hidden anger causing all of the lights to suddenly dim while he wondered just where this Eugene douchebag was hiding. "Eh-herm...Allow me to show you..." Shit, he didn't know what he was gonna do without that asshat. "Er...As soon as I ask a teensy little question. Where is the man of the house?"
"He just came home from work before you came barging in! Just why do you need him, anyway?" Blondie growled, irritated.
"Because, my dear, I'll need both yer John Hancock's to seal the deal! Won't work otherwise." he spoke, feigning his plastered on smile and fighting the urge to throw her out a nearby window just for his amusement. Damn, his face was starting to ache.
"And what if I don't want your shitty insurance?" the blonde rattled on, making Beetlejuice bristle a bit on the inside. Of course, he wouldn't take his irritation out on her directly. He'd use someone else to do that. "I do have the right to say no." she spat, indignantly.
"Ah, nice tits AND smart!" Beetle remarked quickly.
"What did you sa-" the blonde woman began only to be interrupted by him once more.
"Lydia? Would you care to explain?" he asked, in mock-formality.
Lydia frowned, puzzled, as he used his power to pull her up from her seat and use her as a human puppet. Only for a second though.
Lydia's eyes grew wide, as she began to speak, pulling a dusty old manual out of thin air, licking her finger, and turning to a random page. "Handbook for the Recently Deceased: chapter 9, paragraph 6, section A. states that it is required by statute of the Neitherworld Powers That Be that any and all unliving entities occupying said realm should possess some form of insurance upon their undead souls. Failure to do so could result in permanent removal should an exorcism occur. Reversal of soul removal is based on insurance plan and carrier. Individuals without will not be allowed to appeal departure based on exorcism." Beetle spoke quickly through her, then he made her toss the book to the side and purposely break a lamp in the corner with it. After briefly enjoying the pissed look on Blondie's face from said action, he made Deetz do a ridiculous courtesy before seating herself. Served her right for crying over reject Rico Suave.
As he released his hold on Deetz, he sniggered as she glared at him in annoyance, which somehow pleased him greatly. He then turned back to Blondie. "So? What'll it be, Toots?"
The woman rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll get him." she surrendered, before clacking off into a hallway and disappearing briefly.
"Next time how about a heads up before you do your ventriloquist act on me!" Lydia hissed angrily, causing him to whip around and seethe instantly in reaction to her.
"Next time why don't you give ME the heads up when you decide to cry over that deadbeat that YOU wanted to torment in the first place, BABE!" Beetle growled, matching Lydia's scowl with a better, scowly-er one of his own.
He watched through narrowed eyes as she quickly turned away, sighing. He almost felt a little bad, until the sounds of clacking heels were drawing near, followed by another set of heavier footsteps. About damned time, Beetle thought.
"Ugh, here they are, Eugene..." the broad came into sight followed by a tall, slim man with hipster prick clothes and a ponytail. Geez, Deetz did have awful taste, with the exception of himself, of course.
Beetle stifled back the urge to send a horde of crabs into their underwear and simply stepped forward. He stepped up to Eugene, hocked a giant loogey, spit it in his own hand, and offered Lydia's ex a polite handshake with it. "Nice to meetcha, Ulysses! Just call me the B-man!"
Eugene stepped back a bit, but Beetle grabbed his free hand anyway, shaking it and giving it a nice, suffocating grip for good measure. The man winced, causing Beetle's insides to squeal with joy.
Eugene was finally able to wrestle his hand away from Beetle's grasp and wipe it on his pants. "Uh...It's Eugene. And...Hey, haven't I seen your picture at the Bloody Mary?" he asked Beetlejuice, catching him off guard.
"Why? What's it to ya?" Beetle's eyes narrowed, wondering just what this prick was on to.
"Oh, I started as a DJ there not long ago. Your photo's on the unpaid tabs list. Aren't you that guy that got kicked out like five times for getting grabby with -" he began.
"THREE times, okay?! And what dipshit actually pays for booze? I can zap my own shit into existence for free! And believe me, it's much better than that weak ass piss that shithole peddles as alcohol!" Beetlejuice interejected wildly, before catching himself openly being a huge douchebag.
He cleared his throat, before straightening and returning to his previous strategy. "Oops, hehe. Sorry, the B-man gets a bit touchy when it comes to his personal life. Heh heh. Uri, you know how it is bein' a workin' fella! Always a struggle keepin' the pleasure and the business separate! But that's beside the point. As much as I'd love to talk about mahself, and believe me, I'd love to, I'm not here to do that. I'm here to share with you the pure, blissful, unadulterated, mandatory pleasures of insurance!"
"Eugene. It's EUGENE. And I'm not really interested in-" Eugene began, before being interrupted by the blonde.
"He practically told me we don't have a choice." Blondie interrupted, her expression clearly not amused. "The handbook says we could be permanently exorcised if we don't get the insurance to help prevent it."
"How will insurance prevent it?" What's his name yammered on, causing Beetle to grow impatient.
"I don't know! But if we don't get it, it's a one way ticket out of here!" Blondie screeched. Damn, why that douche nozzle would ever choose THAT over Lydia was beyond him.
"Yeah...and just what are the chances of that happening? I mean, we aren't haunting anything. We have nothing to do with the other side! Sounds completely useless and unnecessary to me..." Shit. He didn't figure the guy to have a halfway functioning brainstem, let alone use basic logic not to sign his papers. And he needed their signatures for his little surprise, and thus he cooked up a nice little backup plan.
Beetlejuice smirked, looking to Lydia, who seemed to be wearing her signature what the fuck are you gonna do this time look. "Eh-hem! Allow my assistant to explain. She had a REALLY shitty experience. Nearly banished into oblivion herself! Right, Deetz?" Beetle inquired, hoping she'd quit staring like a deer in the headlights and play along with his ruse.
Lydia stepped forward, and much to Beetle's disdain, she froze when Ebert or whatever his name actually noticed her presence. "Uh..."
"L-Lydia? W-what are you doing here?" he stammered, wide-eyed and full of shock.
"Uh..." she mumbled, glancing at Beetle who glared in return, making sure to get his point across that she'd better play along and quit stalling. Geez, just what kind of power did that asshat have over her?
"I'm uh...doing my job." she lied, giving Beetle a tentative glance. "Well, I do live here in the Neitherworld, too. I thought you'd known that."
"Well, yeah. I just didn't expect to actually SEE you again." he said smugly. At his words, Beetle determined that he was now officially pissed. Who was that arrogant bastard to talk to Lydia like that? If anyone was gonna be a douche to her, it was HIM because he had every right to be. She'd doubled crossed HIM, cheated HIM, left HIM to a fate as Sandworm shit! And hell, Beetle didn't even care about that bullshit anymore! But this guy was a real piece of work! Abandoning Lydia, cheating on her ass, mowing her down with a car, and then being a big jackass about it? No siree. Not today.
"You mean you didn't even look for me?" Lydia nearly gasped, causing a new form of anger to run through Beetle like hot molten lava.
"Eugene? Who the fuck is this?" the blonde bimbo began, her eyes narrowing on Lydia's ex with suspicions of her own.
"Well..." the dirtbag began, before Beetle intervened, using Deetz as his personal marionette once more.
"Nevermind." he forced her to say, noting that her eyes were wide and shocked. "We don't actually require that you say yes to our offer." she spit out, as he forced her to grab his stack of papers and sift through them, finding a new one he'd placed in there.
"Ah, here it is!" he forced Deetz to exclaim with much ferver, just for the hell of it. Beetle smiled deviously, his wild eyes shifting between the two knuckleheads and the nice little gift they were about to place their names upon. "If you'd like to refuse Death Insurance at this current time, you have the legal right to do so. All you have to do is sign this mandatory waiver stating that you've been informed of the implications of not having a policy, and that in the unlikely chance that you're banished from this realm via exorcism, that you agree to not contest the banishment." Beetle stated through Lydia, while materializing a big, gawdy quill in her hand.
"So...Now that you intellecutal, highly informed young individuals know all that there is to know...Whaddya say?" Beetlejuice grinned, rubbing his hands together menacingly.
"Yeah Eugene...What DO you have to say?" Blondie glared at him, and Beetle watched in glee as the man full-on pussed out right in front of him.
"Look...It's nothing, Baby..." he said nervously, holding up his hands in protest.
"You mean...I'm nothing..." Lydia muttered, her eyes all big and weepy.
This is bullshit. Beetle nearly growled, stepping over to Lydia. He was NOT gonna deal with this shit. He was NOT about to do what he did best upon HER request, and just have her bitch and cry about it. He was NOT gonna confess his mushy-assed feelings to a chick just to have her kick him in the balls. And he was DEFINITELY NOT going to lose his freedom, however temporary, to some weepy-ass, former goth wannabe, miss jump off a bridge who still wasn't over some dude who'd her killed her ass.
"Better watch it, Deetz..." he hissed a warning in her ear, so his potential prisoners wouldn't hear.
Lydia turned to him, tears forming in her eyes. Her expression was forlorn and hopeless. She barely acknowledged his warning before turning back to her former lover.
"Well, it doesn't seem like nothing, Eugene. Who is she?" Bimbo shrieked.
"Uh..." Whatshisname trailed off, before coming to his stupid-as-fuck best attempt to lie. "Look, she was just some crazy chick I dumped before I got with you, okay? I didn't know she was still stalking me!"
"Really, that's it?" Blondie asked, hanging on to his every word.
"Yes, really!" he replied, being the pussy-whipped motherfucker that he was.
Beetle stood, partially mortified as his chances of not only wreaking havoc, but of everything as a whole began to fall apart - especially Deetz. Go figure. He gritted his teeth as Lydia began to speak again, aiming to continue the argument.
"DEETZ, WE GOTTA JOB TA DO 'ERE!" Beetle yelled at her, causing the lights to dim as he began to lose his temper.
It was at that moment, that Lydia's eyes grew wide and wild. She curled her lip in a bitter scowl, before letting it fly. "BETLEGUESE, WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?! THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU!"
Oh no she didn't. She didn't just say the name. Beetle was sure he felt his eye begin to twitch. He licked his lips menacingly, before drawing so near to her that their foreheads were nearly touching. "Wrong answer, little girl..." he growled darkly.
Lydia's face twisted in confusion, before he forced more words out of her mouth, also forcing her to straighten and grin like the fool that she was. "Yes, he's totally right! I'm a one hundred percent stalker, for sure! He didn't want me when I was alive, but I stalked him anyway and got myself turned into roadkill! He sure as fuck doesn't want me now, so I think I'll do myself a favor and shut the fuck up!" he made her say, watching a tear roll down her cheek as he lashed out at her.
Too angry to feel guilty for taunting her, Beetle made her continue to further his plan. She was the one who wanted this shitshow, and her stupid-ass feelings weren't getting in the way of it! He was SICK of playing fucking house with someone who didn't give a rat's ass about him, just like the rest of the Neitherworld! Good riddance! At least he could quit lollygagging and staying in the Neitherworld waiting around for Lydia Deetz with his dick in the dirt and his head up her ass! He'd have his fun, then he'd be out!
Feeding on his inner-rage, he continued. "Now, if you two would please sign this waiver, we'll be on our way and you'll never have to look at us again!" he forced her to say, holding the waiver in her trembling hand.
Everything grew silent for an eerily long period of time. Blondie finally sighed, glaring at Lydia, before turning back to Lydia's ex. "Fine...Let's just sign this and get these crazy people out of here..." she spoke, exasperated, while Lydia's ex nodded in agreement, just to save his own ass.
Lydia handed the ridiculously large quill over to Beetle's willing victims, her hand still trembling. And as each dimwit signed the dotted line, binding their souls to the agreement, said agreement had subtly changed, unbeknownst to them, in Beetlejuice's favor.
Beetle took the agreement, the paper dissolving in his hands and sealing his deal. "Hehehe...Real nice doin' business with you folks..." he laughed heinously, as the room began to grow dark, and thick, suffocating smoke began to fill the air. His two prisoners began to back up in reaction to the unsettling experiece, until he juiced a large ball and chain to each of their legs, halting their movement and causing Bimbo to yelp.
"W-what are you doing?!" Loverboy whimpered like the sniveling little bitch that he was.
"Well, Umberto, I'm doin' what any good businessman would do. I'm a honorin' mah agreement!"