Chapter 26: Limbo

Beetle stomped down the winding, checkerboard corridor, heading toward the infamous waiting room. Or the place he'd formerly referred to as hell with a side of fuck you. He stomped in said room, storming past a man with a shovel stuck in his skull and a crispy wet person with a hairdryer permanently fried to their hand. Both promplty averted their gazes from him as he raged toward his destination.

"Oh no...Not you again...Hey, I already told you! You can't go in there, shit-for-brains! Get over here and take a numb-" Miss I'm-Not-A Stripper gasped through her nose, realizing he'd clamped that pesky mouth of hers shut.

Beetle let himself in, walking down another hallway and bursting through Juno's office door.

The old woman and her countless wrinkles scowled, making her face look even more like the Grand Canyon that it already did. "What the hell is it this time, Juice?" she spat, giving her usual I hate your existence glare that Beetlejuice had grown accustomed to.

"Deetz. Lydia-Fuckin'-Deetz. That's what." he growled, stepping up to her desk placing both grimy hands upon it. He leaned forward, his face remarkably close to the old biddy. Too close really. Beetle backed up a bit, realizing how much scarier she was at that proximity.

Juno glared, unflinching, as she lit a cigarette and took a long, hard draw from it. "So? What about her?" she shrugged, smoke rising from her neck hole - which was, by far, the most disturbing hole a woman could have, Beetle concluded.

"You didn't tell me she'd be that powerful!" he barked, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"So you helped her gain back her power?" Juno smirked, while grabbing a pile of papers and shuffling through them casually.

"No shit! Why is she able to stop my...uh...abilities..." Beetle spoke, purposely leaving out details of anything that could land him back in the pin, which was basically everything he'd just done.

He watched as Juno paused momentarily, her expression going blank, before continuing her work. "So she's as powerful as you are..." she reasoned nonchalantly, properly showing that she didn't give a fuck, like she always did.

"Heeey now! I didn't say that! I said she can dispel my shit, not do anything BETTER than me! So? What's the deal?" he asked, growing freaking impatient as hell. He really just needed an answer, so he could find a way to put an end to that shit, then and there. The thought of Lydia being as powerful as him was a bit unnerving, whether he wanted to admit it to himself or not. Hell, the woman had already taken over his life, his house, and made him put the damned toilet seat down (and he swore he wouldn't do that)! He didn't know if he could take another blow to his nutsack and actually survive it.

"There is no deal, Juice. I never knew anything about her potential abilities, once they formed. I don't know why you barged your ass in here, taking up my time with this! You used to work for the system, Juice! You should remember how it works like the back of your moldy hand! You damned sure exploit it enough to!" she fumed, smoke billowing out of her like a volcano - only much, much scarier.

"This is no time for compliments, Juno!" Beetle stalled, trying to rile her up and not think of the truth she spoke.

Juno rolled her eyes, before glaring back into his. "You know how it works. Protocol states that we each come into the Neitherworld with the same basic powers. Some greasy shits like you learn to exploit our government and find some loophole to jump through and gain more. I'm betting that isn't the case with Miss Deetz."

Beetle looked away from her scowl, feeling really weird right about now. "Nah."

"Well, if you know anything about our law, and I'd venture to say you do, since you're still trying to exploit it!" she continued, as Beetle began to open his mouth in protest. "Ah ah, Juice! I know you are, so keep it shut!" she pointed a gnarly old finger in his face, forcing him to do just that. "You would know that the only other way a ghost would have the power of a poltergeist yourself, would be through some sort of connection. Now what kind of connection can that tiny, pea brain of yours come up with?" she taunted, demanding a response.

Beetle stood, dumbfounded. Holy shit. Not that. That would have been good a decade ago, but it was freaking pointless now. "You mean to tell me that that shitshow with Deetz actually went all the way?! How? She wouldn't get hitched to me, and I came out a Sandworm's ass!"

"Doesn't matter. It was either our governments finest hour of incompetency, or the powers that be made it so. You said yes, you made her say yes. You stuck a ring on her finger. That's why Lydia was penalized, Juice. You can't be reprimanded for a deal that wasn't a deal. And by law, it was a legal, contactual obligation, and Miss Deetz breached the contract. So now we have a physical binding of your souls - hence her power - due to the ceremony technically being completed. However, since she rejected the ring and the agreement after legal completion of the ritual, we have your marriage hanging in limbo from a legal standpoint." Juno laid it all out, and with each word, made Beetlejuice that much more nauseous.

"So...What's it mean? We hitched or not?" he blurted out, hoping his last chance for freedom hadn't been permanently weighed down by the old ball and chain.

"Technically speaking, yes and no. Yes, your souls are bound forever. And no, she rejected the ring, which leaves you hanging, Juice." she said dryly, sucking on her smoke once more.

"Does that mean I can still get married to say...some other broad?" Beetle raised a brow, hoping against hope that it wasn't too late. Sure, Deetz was everything he'd ever wanted in a woman, but she hated him at the moment, and frankly, the feeling was mutual. Besides, she used all her womanly charms just to torment him into thinking he could have her. Always a fuckin' tease.

"Whoever you use the ceremonial ring on will be your wife. Plain and simple. So, yes, you can, although I think that's another shit-brained idea of yours and as I said before, I wouldn't advise it. You just got out of jail. You marry some unfortunate soul in the living realm and stay out for a few decades, and for what? Mark my words, Juice, you're better off with that girl. Hell, she's the only one who can tolerate your filthy ass."

"Correction: WAS the only one. She hates my fuckin' guts now. So that's a no go." Beetle grinned, his voice thick with spite. He looked at one of his six watches."Well, wouldya look at the time. Gotta go look for a new prospect-" he began, only to be cut off by Juno once more.

"Oh, you can go through with your plan, Juice. But remember, even if you marry another, your souls are permanently bonded. Forever, no ifs , ands, or buts about it. And be wary about that little ring of yours. That object alone is what's keeping your status in limbo. Whoever wears it is your wife. Period." she warned, flicking her ashes into a nearby tray.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know, I know. The ring. Got it." Beetle nodded, not really giving a shit about her omens of doom or whatever. Besides, it wasn't like anyone even gave a fuck about his stupid ring. In other words, he was good to go.