Chapter VII
With trembling hands, she lay down the letter on her pillow and sat quiet still for some time, her dull amber eyes fixated on the emotionless envelope – inside were the words that would tear him apart. Inside were the words that would destroy the world as they knew it, the words that would end the happiest nine years of her life. It had been so difficult to write them, having to wait for him to leave for work, acting as if nothing was wrong when really everything was wrong, having to start over countless times because her tears would fall onto the paper if her handwriting wasn't shaky. And sometimes she would just break down completely and bury her head in her arms, pulling her knees up close to her chest and gently rocking back and forth in a pathetic attempt to stop sobbing. How many sheets of paper had she thrown away as she tried to form the right words, the right sentences?
And how many tears had she shed while writing those right words and right sentences?
But now, as she sat here on the edge of the bed, nervously picking at her nails, she realized that the letter was the easy part, that the letter was nothing – absolutely nothing – compared to what was to come. Which was leaving the ring behind. The ring, the symbol of their promise and of their love, of the future they had dreamed of, the very same future which had been ruthlessly and violently murdered.
C.C. bit her lip just hard enough so that it almost bled. She couldn't cry. She wouldn't cry, it would be selfish of her to cry right now. She was the one leaving after all, she was the one sneaking away while his back was turned. He would be the one feeling the brunt of the pain and heartache, not her. It wouldn't be fair to cry and dwell on how pitiful she was when she was a coward for abandoning him like this.
Slowly releasing a shuddery breath, she calmed herself down enough to slip the ring off and let it fall. It landed with a finalizing thud on the envelope. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, it— No. No, it wasn't the most beautiful, it was the second, the first being… The first being him. The first being him standing in the entryway as he returned from work, the first being the sight of him sitting on the loveseat, leaning on the arm and nodding off, already half-asleep. The first being his drowsy smile as she shook him awake before leading him to bed where he'd be able to have a much better chance of getting much better sleep, his faint smile as he buried his face into the crook of her neck so that his gentle breath tickled her as he mumbled if she had had a good day at work.
Her hand flew to her mouth as she desperately tried to muffle her grief. It was killing her. She knew how devastated he would be, how heartbroken, and it was killing her that she was the source of his pain. Sinking her teeth into her finger, she doubled over as she fought to control her tears. She couldn't wake him no matter what. He'd open his eyes, ask her what time it was and if he would be late to work, only to see her all dressed up and her bags by the door. He'd frown, the familiar crinkle appearing between his brows as he asked her what was going on. And she couldn't tell him, she couldn't wake him. She couldn't. Not only because the first of her new husband-to-be's instructions had been to quietly and quickly leave the apartment without arousing his or anyone else's suspicions, but also because if he were to wake up and see her, if he were to wake up and she were to hear his voice again and feel his touch again, everything would collapse. Her resolve to trade her life to save his, the deal with Schneizel, everything would collapse within itself. All salvation would slip from their fingers like smoke until the Weiss Ritter would descend upon them to play and toy with their lives as a cruel god would.
"I'm sorry, Lelouch," she choked. "I'm so sorry, my love."
Leaning down, she kissed him for as long as she dared before pulling away for what she thought would be the last time. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand briskly, and gently brushed away her tear that had fallen onto his face and that had been rolling down his cheek, as if he were crying too, before rising and leaving the love of her life.
. . .
Lelouch could feel it before he even opened his eyes. Lying there in bed with the soft morning light filtering in through the gauze windows and caressing his cheek, something inside of him just knew. Something inside of him told him that she was gone, that she had slipped away in the dead of the night again. He didn't even dare breathing as he desperately grasped for the quickly evaporating sense of security and comfort that had been enshrouding him. It was fading all too fast, all too soon – he had just found some peace after so long a war… How could it be stolen away from him so soon?
He didn't want to open his eyes. He refused to because he knew that the moment he did, the full force of excruciating heartache was set in and that he wouldn't be allowed to pretend that the spaces besides him wasn't cold and untouched. He wouldn't be allowed to pretend that she was just asleep, that she was still there next to him, with him. He knew the truth. He knew it all too well but there was just something in him that rejected the cold hard facts, that didn't want to believe it and be forced to bear more pain. So that was why, even though he knew it was futile, he called out to her.
"Ceci."
Silence.
"… Ceci."
Dread washed over him and he felt the lump in his throat growing larger as he tried a third time in vain hope.
"Cecaniah."
There was no answer. Reality hit him like a wall of concrete, and a low, bitter chuckle escaped him. She was gone. Of course she was gone. Why had he ever thought that she would stay? What had possessed him to entertain the possibility of her remaining by his side? He could just see her, lying awake with her eyes glimmering softly in the dark as she waited for him to fall asleep. And once he had, she had probably pried herself free from his arms and gotten up. She'd have gotten dressed again, or maybe taken a shower to cleanse herself of… Of whatever resentment and disgust she harbored towards him before walking away, just as she had done before.
It was only early morning and here he was, already trying to resist the overwhelming impulse to cry. It wasn't really that she was gone, it was just that… It was just that she didn't think that there was any hope for them in the future, that she had completely wrapped up all of her feelings and had moved on, unlike him, he who was forever looking over his shoulder and back to the past.
Lelouch tried to swallow despite the lump in his throat. All he wanted was just a little bit of happiness, even if it was the delusional kind. But Ceci had stolen away again and there was nothing more he could do. He had done all he could. He had told her, confessed to her, begged her and still, she hadn't stayed. He hadn't been able to sway her even though he had offered her himself to her. And if she refused even that, what else could he do? What else could he give her? There was simply nothing left, nothing more that he could do. It was all gone. All hope, all happiness.
Every single bit gone.
So when he finally did open his eyes and saw an ageless gold, he inhaled sharply.
"C… Ceci."
"… Lelouch."
They stared at one another. Lelouch tried to swallow his surprise. So… So she hadn't left? She… She hadn't…
She was still by his side.
He wanted to reach out and touch her, brush her hair away from her eyes, make sure that the woman in front of him was real and wasn't his imagination acting up like it had done countless times before. But then she said his name and he knew that she wasn't a mirage, that she really was there, and that he wasn't making it up and it—
"Lelouch, I want for us to forget what happened."
… So close and yet so far. He would have smiled bitterly if he would have been able to muster up the emotion to. But he was consumed with irritation, leaving no room for incredulity. He had thought… How had he dared to think that… He… What a fool he was. What a goddamn idiot, a complete and utter fool.
"I want for us to forget what happened. It would be in our best interest for the both of us if we view last night as closure for our past. I'm sure that you can see the logic in this and—"
He suddenly felt angry. Forget what happened? Closure? What— No. No! No, it wasn't closure that he wanted, he hadn't said those things to her last night just for her to ignore them. And he was pretty fucking sure it wasn't what she wanted either – the voice she was talking to him with, it sounded so dead, so emotionless. Absolutely nothing like the lively and mischievous girl she was and— Forget? Closure? What the fuck? Why the fuck was she being so submissive to her fate, to Schneizel, why was she letting go of what she wanted? He had seen it in her eyes yesterday, he had seen it all in her tears, and had tasted it on her tongue. He knew what it was that she truly desired and it wasn't closure, it wasn't forgetting, it was to be with him. He knew it was true – he had seen the proof.
"And you have to realize that it would never—"
"Is that what you want or is it what Schneizel wants?"
She quieted down as he repeated, "Is forgetting what you want or is it what the Weiss König wants?"
"Lelouch, he—"
"If it's not what you want, then I—"
"You don't understand," she interrupted sharply. Her tone softening, she whispered, "You don't understand, Lelouch." A shadow was cast over her face, making the young woman appear so much more older than she really was. Sighing, she mumbled, "You don't understand."
C.C. turned away from him, loathing to make eye contact with him. Because he really didn't. He didn't understand the dynamics of her relationship with her husband, he couldn't understand. He may think he could but the truth of the matter was, he wouldn't be able to no matter what she told him, couldn't understand her reasoning for all of her decisions.
"Then make me understand. Tell me – what do I not understand?"
She blinked at the ceiling and he gently pressed his warm palm on her cheek. As he gently rubbed the pad of his thumb, she could feel his breath lightly tickle her ear as he murmured, "Ceci, tell me so that I can understand."
Some time passed before she spoke.
"… I don't know why Schneizel assigned you to protect me when he knows about our history. But I know why he would even consider allowing it."
She paused, and he patiently waited for her to compose herself, to string her letters together to form the words that would reveal to him what was burdening her.
"The one thing he absolutely despises is disloyalty. You probably know that, Lelouch. That the one thing Schneizel hates most in the world is betrayal. And he knows that I'll be faithful because his promise still stands to this day. Lelouch, if I leave him for you…" She took his hand, leaning her cheek into his palm. "If I choose you over him… He'll have you killed. He'll kill you. That's why we can't do this. It was always why we can't."
She pulled his hand away and pressed it to his bare chest. "I'm sorry, Lelouch."
C.C. made to sit up, to walk away and leave, when she heard him say, "I don't give a damn about Schneizel's threats and neither should you."
She looked at him as he continued. "If Schneizel were to be stripped of his position in the Weiss Ritter, Ceci, it would be a level playing field. He doesn't have any true power, only statu—"
"But that will never happen, Lelouch, it will never be a level-playing field. Schneizel will forevermore be your superior and—"
"Do you truly believe that?"
A strange feeling washed over the emerald-haired woman at his words. "Do you truly believe that, Ceci?"
What was he saying? Schneizel would always be the Weiss König; he founded the Weiss Ritter. Only Death would be able to loosen her husband's vice grip on the throne. What was Lelouch planning?
"I know you think you made a mistake by sleeping with me. I know you think that I can't understand and that what you're doing is for the best, but— Ceci. Ceci, look at me. Look at me, love."
He gently turned her head towards him so that she had no other choice but to meet his gaze. She swallowed as he brought her closer.
"Ceci, what if it's not what I want? What if it's not what you want?"
"Just for a second, think only of yourself. Think only of your heart. What is your heart telling you? To stay with Schneizel, or to come to me? My love, there's no need to worry over my life. Do as you please, as your heart wishes. If it's telling you to return to Schneizel, then… I told you last night, didn't I? If you truly wish to remain by Schneizel's side, then I won't stop you, so long as it's what you want."
She looked up at him. He was watching her with those eyes of his, those warm amethysts that told her that he meant every word, that he was being completely honest with her. That he loved her and only wanted for her to be happy. It tore her in two; she wanted to be with him. She really did. She had always wanted to be with him, she had wanted to be with him for a good 16 years. But she didn't want him to die either, especially because of her.
C.C. pushed away. He let her go, understanding that she wanted some time to think, some time to figure out what decision to make. Sitting up, she wrapped her arms around herself as she shivered. It was cold but she couldn't stay in bed with him any longer. It was suffocating her, and she wanted out, wanted some time to be alone. Suddenly it was too much to be there, in bed with him; the confusion was just too overwhelming, it was choking her and… And…
She felt his hands light press down on her as he draped his dress shirt over her shoulders. He said nothing, as did she, and soon enough, she slipped her arms into the sleeves and left the room. But where to go? What to do? She was trapped here, in this tiny cage. Though safe from harm, she had nothing to amuse herself with, nothing to distract her from the fear that was embedded within her heart and to focus on her wishes.
Maybe they could go out. Yes, that was it, the outdoors was the solution. Outside looked so cool, with its clear, cerulean sky and vibrantly colored maple oaks. And the air would be so much more crisp too, and fresh, which would be a nice change since it had gotten so stuffy in the apartment for some reason the moment Lelouch had… The moment he had looked at her that way.
Besides. It would be nice for him too, she decided, refusing to allow her idea to be shot down. He had been trapped indoors because of her, inside of this musty and tiny shoebox, and they could both use a change of scenery. She knew she did.
But when she walked back into the bedroom, all thoughts of the refreshing autumn air vanished were replaced with horror. For there, on the floor, lay Lelouch as if he were a crumpled and forgotten paper doll.