The Legend of the Bald Monk
"You're going to die if you keep going," cautioned the disembodied voice.
"As if. There's nothing in this musty old temple that can stop me, " Shadow replied, moments before his foot tripped yet another pressure plate and the narrow hallway was filled with a shower of arrows.
Wincing and swearing every time a projectile perforated his leather armour, Shadow darted back and forth, squeezing his way through the passage. When he reached the other side, the firing mechanism disengaged, he stopped and looked back. Still panting, he struck a confident pose and bowed theatrically to his companions.
"You see? Nothing can stop Shadow, the Ultimate life—"
His monologue was cut short as the trap door beneath his sneakers fell open, but his lightning quick reactions saved him once again as he bounded up and above the pit. Beneath him, the flickering torchlight reflected off row after row of sharpened punji stakes lining the bottom, the bones of their previous victims glinting below.
"Ahem. As I was saying, nothing can stop—"
The floor abruptly tilted and Shadow slid into the pit. Sonic dug his hands deep into his blue quills as he yelled. "Again? What the heck, Rotor? A sliding floor? You just put that in there to get me killed!"
"Yes, of course, I did," Rotor said, rolling his eyes from behind his screen. "It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the builders of the tomb keeping robbers out."
"Yeah whatever," Sonic muttered. "I can just erase the numbers and reroll, right?"
"Yes, Sonic. Your new character can catch up to the group when you finish."
"Okay, y'all let's hurry up and make some progress," Bunnie smirked.
"Agreed, but we'll need Sonic to lead the way," Amy said. " None of us can detect traps, and you're the most likely to survive them."
Rotor raised an eyebrow. "Amy, bards can find traps too, you know."
"I suppose we can, but my dexterity is woefully low, and I wasn't willing to sacrifice points from performance and persuasion."
"I guess I'll be taking the lead from here," the paladin announced, prodding every stone along the way, scribbling marks on the ones that wiggled.
Before long, the path opened into a larger chamber, and the group moved into a defensive formation. At the front was an armadillo named Mighty, clad from head to toe in protective runic armour of his patron, Elise and a stocky crocodile whose only armour was the heavy scabbard across his back. Behind them stood the two smaller members of the adventuring party: the bard, Charmy the bee and the purplish chameleon sorcerer, Espio.
Upon examining their surroundings the party found the former hall of worship desecrated. Its walls were lined with torture devices and scattered about were, of course, the obligatory half-rotted corpses As the group took a few steps inside, the door slammed shut behind them. A disembodied voice assaulted their ears and pitchforks, meat hooks and other implements of torture clattered on the blood-stained floor.
"Your efforts are commendable adventurers, though not all of you have been so fortunate."
"Don't y'all be worrying about us none," the paladin said confidently. "Even without Shadow, we're plenty capable of beating your necromancy. Not to mention, a new rogue should be getting here any time now."
"Wait, wait, wait," Rotor said, slapping his screen down onto the table again. "Bunnie, you don't know whether another rogue will be arriving soon. Besides, what makes you think there are zombies?"
"Sugah, I'm afraid its plain as rain," Bunnie commented. "Not that it's a bad thing, though. After all, there's nothing else to do in Adventurer's League but fight."
Rotor's eyes glazed over as he hurriedly rolled some dice behind his screen, but he quickly shook his head and returned to lucidity. "Um... close enough. Now, can I get back to finishing Miles' monologue so we can get this fight started?"
"Miles?" Sonic yelped. "Seriously? That's your villain?"
"Yes, Anti-Tails is the villain, and if you don't like it, make sure you kill him fast!"
"Now where was I…" Miles mused. "Oh yes. You'll all serve me in death, just like them."
"Bout time," the paladin said as the rest party drew their weapons against the zombie mobians. The first to act was Espio, who fired a spray of magic missiles into the chest of the nearest undead, staggering it momentarily, but failing to kill the shambling corpse.
Vector made the next move, charging ahead and cleaving through two zombies with his over-sized battle-axe, hardly noticed their ineffectual gnaws on his thick reptilian hide.
Mighty channelled his holy powers at the enemies surrounding Vector and reduced several of them to dust. This gave the barbarian some breathing room. But a few of the shambling monstrosities responded by lurching in his direction, forcing him to fall back, holding off their flailing arms and snapping jaws with his shield.
Charmy pulled out his lute and plucked at the strings singing, along with the melody.
The doors flew open with a mighty crash as the fourth Shadow of the evening made his entrance. "Don't worry, guys. I got this," he said, striking a heroic pose before charging forward.
Dice clattered across the table. Bunnie and Cream roared with laughter while Tails and Amy giggled, Rotor and Sonic facepalmed. Shadow's attack dice was one: an automatic failure subjecting him to the whims of Rotor's critical failure chart. and as the zombies fell upon him, the heroes could barely make out his last words: "This game is stupid."
With the zombies clustered around the red and black hedgehogs remains, Espio took advantage of the opportunity by launching a fireball into their midst. Vector swung his axe again and struck down a few more undead, but the remaining zombies bit into his legs and battered his sides with their bony hands. The paladin tried to position himself to assist, but couldn't move far without leaving the sorcerer vulnerable. The bard continued playing his song.
"Uh I think I need to go into a rage now," Vector said.
With his eyes wide and pupils narrowed to pinpricks, Tails picked up his dice and slammed them down onto the table. The result was a critical hit and an obliterated monster. He rolled again. When the whirlwind of spinning metal came to an end, the panting barbarian stood amid a pile of bloody, half-rotted bodies.
Several encounters, and ten ill-fated Shadows later, the party of intrepid adventurers finally breached the necromancer's inner sanctum only for Rotor to peered over his screen and grin mischievously at his friends. "Roll for initiative."
Espio's ear twitched in response to a faint skittering sound, "Everyone, look up!"
Espio's warning came just in time for Charmy to see a dark shape descending toward him on a long sticky gob of web. Deftly, he rolled to the side moments before the giant spider landed. Vector immediately leapt into action to cover his companions, but his axe glanced off the spider's chitin exterior. It turned to face him and lashed out, biting deeply into the barbarian's leg.
Mighty manoeuvred into place only to find himself immobilized by a web. Meanwhile, Charmy played a jaunty tune on his lute which would, with any luck, help his friends to get loose.
Suddenly, a new booming voice rang through the darkness. "Have no fear, for the Supreme High Robotnik is here!"
"What?!" everyone around the table yelled in unison.
"What are you doing, Sonic?" Rotor asked. "I thought you were making another Shadow?"
He grinned maniacally "Yeah, but I figured if I'm gonna die all the time, I might as well do it as somebody I don't like."
Rotor stared at him for a few seconds, but then shrugged and said, "Well, you shouldn't have a hard time getting yourself killed. As badly as everyone else is rolling, a technomancer like Robotnik won't last more than a couple of rounds." His comment was punctuated by a round of nods, followed by hateful glares directed towards the dice.
"Nah. Too much trouble. I made him a monk instead."
Bunnie scoffed. "Talk about being out of character."
"Hey, this is my version of him, and I just want to get him killed."
"Make way for the crazed and suicidal Robotnik!" Robotnik charged in. He carried no weapons and wore no armour. Giant arachnid mandibles snapped at him as he closed the distance with his stubby legs. But at the last minute, Robotnik ducked and with a counterattack of his very own slugged the monster in one of its bulbous eyes.
The party of adventurers hobbled over to the barbarian to watch the interloper get himself slaughtered. Taking advantage of their respite, Espio and Charmy helped Mighty out of his armour, while Mighty focused on casting healing spells.
"Hit me already, you stupid bug!" the bald monk bellowed, swearing loudly every time an attack missed his rotund form. One blow after another connected with the spider's chitinous carapace, splintering large sections of the thick armoured plating and covering his bare knuckles in foul-smelling fluids before the spider's head came clean off and the contents of the treasures within were up for the adventurers to divvy amongst themselves.
"Arrgh, you can't let me get stuck with this character!" Sonic moaned.
Rotor leaned over and put a hand on Sonic's shoulder. "You were due for a bout of some good luck. Something like this had to happen eventually."
"Maybe so," Sonic muttered, "but it would've been nice if it was with Shadow instead."
"True, but you never made Shadow into a monk. Besides I'm not sure what else I can do to get Robotnik killed. He's already beaten a giant spider unaided." Rotor paused, stroking his tusks thoughtfully. "Why don't you just have him commit suicide, or leave the group?"
"No way," Sonic huffed as he leaned back and crossed his legs. "Shadow died fifteen times already. Robotnik's gotta get killed by something."
Rotor brow furrowed in concentration as he rested his chin on a hand. Several minutes passed in ponderous silence before he suddenly yelled, "Got it!" as Cream and Amy were coming back into the room with fresh drinks and snacks, startling the pair.
"Nice reflex saves," Rotor said sheepishly. Amy had narrowly avoided spilling the glasses, and Bunnie caught the bowl of chips just before it could hit the floor. "Anyway, as I was saying, I can put together a nice little gauntlet that should get Robotnik killed in no time."
"Come along, everybody. The ignorant and misguided Robotnik has decided that we shall bypass that helpful village. Instead, we shall brave the dreaded Labyrinth of Fatso Murder."
The rest of the party happily fell in line behind Robotnik, and delved into the mouth of a conveniently-placed cave, above which hung a sign saying, 'Beware, all ye who enter. Especially if ye be overweight' Inside, they found a roughly-hewn passage, its walls adorned with paintings of pointy objects being thrust through a vaguely humanoid blob of orange paint.
The first trap was triggered almost immediately. Spikes sprang up from the floor, but Robotnik somersaulted and gracefully landed atop their points. Once he ambled across the field of deadly protrusions, they retracted into the floor. When the arrow trap fired, Robotnik caught all of the projectiles with ease. Over the next few minutes, he walked through fire without being burned and stopped a set of whirring saw blades with his bare hands
"The crazed and suicidal Robotnik is not amused," Robotnik grumbled while the rest of the party gawked on. The party stepped out of the cave and into the sunlight, only to be greeted by the sight of a towering bull-like abomination, covered in a dull black carapace, and sporting a wide mouth full of sharp teeth…
Sometime later, the beast fell to the ground. Its shattered carapace oozed foul-smelling fluids, particularly at the spots on its head where its own severed horns had been driven through its skull. The Supreme High Robotnik stood in solemn triumph over his vanquished foe. "Stupid under-powered ultimate enemy," he said glumly atop his fallen nemesis.
Having utterly crushed the will of Fate, the monk returned to his companions who were cautiously approaching the carcass. Robotnik opened his mouth to speak but was silenced by the spontaneous appearance of a bright glow behind him. He spun around and witnessed a small orb of iridescent energy rising up through the last hole he made in the monster's face.
"Oh, That's the Tarasque's life force," Amy remarked. "If you destroy it now, it'll be gone forever. Otherwise, it'll return to the monster and it'll sleep for a few hundred years and prey upon the next unsuspecting party."
"Whatever," the pudgy monk muttered. "It doesn't matter if it comes back or not; it can't beat Robotnik. Unless…" His frown slowly reversed, and his lips soon split into a grin.
"You have an idea?" Vector asked.
"Indeed I do. Watch and learn, The Supreme High Robotnik shall snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!" Robotnik stepped toward the light. Raw chaos energy made his moustache twitch as he took a deep breath. Then, after barely a moment's hesitation, he lunged at the orb...
...and took a bite out of it.
"You didn't… No way."
"Yeah, Rotor, I did! I totally did!" Sonic's words were choked out between peals of laughter. "There's no way Lardnik can survive eating something like that, right?"
Rotor laid down his Dungeon Master screen and neatly folded it up. The book in front of him was showing a picture of the Tarasque, along with its stats and other information privy only to him "Sonic, I have good and bad news. The good news is that Robotnik is gone forever."
Sonic leapt to his feet. "Aw yeah! Who's the man, huh. Who's the man now?"
Rotor cleared his throat. "As for the bad news, you just turned him into a god."
"I hate this game," Sonic muttered but none of his friends could hear it over their own laughter.