"What the fuck," Gray said.

"Language!" Erza hissed. Then she bowed apologetically to their client. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"Oooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" the ghost replied. "I don't mind! I'm just glad somebody took notice of my request. Oooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

"Okay, first off," Gray pointed at the ghost, "stop that. You're not scary. Stop pretending to be. It's embarrassing. Secondly, what's your name?"

"Vrooooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-man!"

It was official. He hated this ghost.

"Vrooman, was it?" Erza asked. The ghost nodded. "All right. Well, Vrooman, what can we do for you?"

"Ooo-" the ghost began, but stopped after glancing at Gray. "As I was saying, hoohoo, I was killed before I could do all the things I wanted. That's why I can't be at peace."

"And you want us to do your shit for you, is that it?"

"Gray!"

"Hoohoo. Indeed," Vrooman said. "Your first task-"

"Hold it." Gray raised his hand. "'First?' There are multiple?"

Erza elbowed him in the ribs. And not gently. He shut up after that.

"You see, directly opposite this haunted house lives an old lady," said Vrooman. "When I was alive, she was, how to say, the most promiscuous woman in town."

"You're calling an old lady a slut," Gray said, despite himself.

"If we're going to be politically incorrect, I can call her a lot of things. Hoohoo."

"Let's just focus on the briefing," Erza said impatiently, tapping her foot.

Vrooman went on: "See, she was sleeping with both me and my best friend at the same time. In this incorporeal form, I can do her no physical injury." It paused. "But you can."

"I refuse to harm anyone," Erza declared immediately.

"I'm not asking you to hurt her! Or even touch her! Honest!"

"Then what would you have us do?"

"Bother her. I want you to go over there and knock on her door."

"And?"

"And run away."

Erza blinked. "What."

"Just knock on her door and run away!" Vrooman sounded excited. "You must've done that before when you were kids!"

"So, what, we just knock on her door and run away?" Gray asked. "Then we're done?"

"Hoohoo. Yes. But you have to keep doing it all night. I want to ruin that bitch's sleep!"

"Language!" Erza scolded the ghost, almost out of reflex. "Basically, you want us to harass a senior citizen."

"Hoohoo. Yes."

Slowly, very slowly, Gray lowered his face into his palm.

"Gray, what do you think we should do?"

His head shot up at the question. Erza was staring at him. "Seriously? You're considering doing this?"

"It is a quest." She shrugged. "And it will set him free."

"You trust this floating blanket?"

"I'm Hooffended."

"Fuck off. You're a see-through blanket with eye holes. You can't even be a ghost properly. What, were you on a budget?"

The ghost lowered its face. Yeah, be ashamed. He turned to Erza. "You really wanna do it?"

"We could knock very lightly. So as to not disturb her. The quest stated we had to knock and run away. It did not specify sound levels."

"That's cheating!" Vrooman wailed.

Gray ignored it. "Can we do that?"

"Finding loopholes is important for any S-Class mage."

"But staying up all night, though…"

"We can knock twice per hour and use the interval to rest."

"Y'know, that might just work."

"But that's not what I wanted," cried Vrooman.

"Shut up!" Erza snapped. "Be grateful we are even considering this farce! You should be ashamed of yourself! Such infantile behaviour is inexcusable!" She placed her hands on her hips. "She is an old lady now. Have some decency."

"She slept with half the town! Wrecked half the families here! Then she'd blackmail the men into giving her money!"

"I don't care. It takes two to tango. Those men were just as culpable."

The ghost visibly deflated. "Boo-hoo! I'm just a poor ghost, nobody loves me."

Gray groaned. "I think we should do it. If he's at peace, at least he won't be around to bother anyone else."

Erza nodded. "I was thinking the same thing. All right, Vrooman. We accept your quest. We shall knock at the woman's door and run away."

"All through the night?" The excitement in its voice was palpable. "Loudly?"

"We shall see. Disturbing her neighbours is-"

"She's got no neighbours. She's a crabby old whore."

"I swear," Erza muttered, massaging her temples. "Gray, let's go before I exorcise Vrooman."

"I don't ever wanna be a ghost," Gray muttered as he left the haunted house.

"Then don't leave behind any regrets."

Easy for you to say. "I'm gonna go get a flask of coffee for the night. You want anything?"

"Cake."

"…you had cake for dinner."

"So what? Actually, I'll come with you. I don't trust you to buy cake for me. Your taste buds are underdeveloped."

And so, after loading up on six slices of strawberry cake, and buying enough to last her through the night, Erza emerged from the bakery happily. Gray could only sigh.

"Is cake your comfort food or something?" he asked as they made their way back.

"No. It's just good." She smiled languidly. "And soft. And sweet. And-"

Oh, there she goes on her cake ramble again. Gray had heard it thousands of times before, but he always listened. It amused him to see her so excited. She looked really cute, gesticulating as she spoke, bathed in the soft moonlight. It glinted off her earrings, lighting up her face even more. Her hair swayed in the breeze, and she sometimes reached up to tuck he coils behind her ears. It never stayed there. Nothing swayed her enthusiasm, though. Only cake could make her like that.

Yeah. Only cake.

Gray sipped his coffee. "Well, off I go to knock."

"Mhmm. Don't knock any louder than you have to."

"Got it."

So he went and knocked. Merely touched his knuckles to the door twice. Then he turned and walked away.

This is the worst quest I have ever done.

Erza had by then conjured up a large tent in the haunted house's lawn. "It is likely to get cold during the night."

"No, good thinking." He offered her the flask upon stepping inside. "Coffee?"

She shook her head. "I have my cake. A sugar high does the job well enough."

He couldn't argue that. "Just don't get diabetes."

Erza waved it off. "I get enough exercise."

"You need it."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, everybody does."

Humming to herself, Erza then pulled out two bedrolls from her pocket dimension. "Feel like sleeping?"

"What about you?"

"I'll wake you up when I need the rest."

Gray thought it over, but shook his head. He sat down on one of the bedrolls and kicked off his shoes. "I'm good. This kinda feels like a sleepover."

"You call that knocking?" Vrooman asked as it materialised into the tent. "That wasn't knocking!"

"Ahh, see, we even have uninvited guests." Gray pointed at the ghost. "How realistic."

Erza sighed. "Your quest will be done once this woman's sleep is disturbed, right?"

"Yes."

"You'll leave us alone then?"

"On my honour as a ghost."

"Fine. Gray, hold my cake."

Uh-oh. Gray had a very bad feeling as Erza stormed out of the tent. He held her box of cake, debating whether or not to follow her. But then he heard a loud crash, followed by very shrill shouting, and finally, blessed silence.

Gray gulped. Erza couldn't have… murdered her…?

"Now that's what I call a knock! Hoohoo!"

"Just… just shut up."

Before long, Erza returned. She didn't seem bothered at all.

"What'd you do?" Gray asked.

"Ehh." With a shrug, she sat down beside him. Took her cake from him. "I kicked down her door, she shouted, I knocked her out and fixed her door." She glared at the ghost. "Now go away."

"Hoohoo! You've made me very happy! Come by tomorrow and I'll give you your next task!"

And with that, Vrooman vanished. Gray turned to regard Erza.

"You knocked her out?"

"Pressure points."

Gray shook his head. "Why are you the way that you are?"

"My quietude comes first."

"You should put that on a shirt."

"I just might." She stored the box of cake in her pocket dimension before stretching and yawning. "No need to stay up all night anymore. Good night, Gray."

And with that, she retired to her bedroll. She was asleep within minutes.

Gray stared at her sleeping face for a long moment. A chuckle escaped him. A long time ago, he'd thought to himself how she looked pretty when she was calm.

Not much has changed in that regard. She still falls asleep too damn quickly.

Having nothing else to do, he settled down to sleep as well. He sincerely hoped he wouldn't be woken up by the ghost. Or the authorities.

"G'night, Erza," he mumbled and closed his eyes. "Here's to not going to jail."