An American Ninja in Konohagakure

A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.

First omake written by myself: Next one written by CV12Hornet on Spacebattles.

The year 2010...

Mary had been beside herself with worry about Naruto when he'd fallen from the roof of the house. Apparently he was trying to "do an awesome flip" onto the trampoline, but he'd missed. She'd driven him all the way to the hospital herself, speeding through red lights (after calling the police to inform them what she was doing, of course-She wasn't at that stage of panic). Apparently though, they'd had trouble examining him via traditional means. So they took him to the full body scanner, that Mary had comforted her son by saying "might give him superpowers".

The report from the two doctors there made her think she was being unintentionally serious...

"What do you mean, 'anomalies'?" Mary asked intently, her eyes a bit narrowed. She could see her boy in the examination room, fidgeting. He hated to sit still. The senior doctor, the family's GP named Ramirez, coughed and adjusted his glasses.

"Well, the scanner malfunctioned when we put him in-"

"What does that have to do with him?" Mary asked. Ramirez shook his head.

"I mean it malfunctioned. Every time. It's fine in the upper thoracic area. And past the pelvis. Anytime we get to his abdomen from either direction? Bam. Everything fries. We've tried it, many times."

Mary frowned. "Well... What does that mean?"

"We don't know," the junior doctor said. "All we get is this... Frankly freaky distortion." He handed her a few print outs, and she sorted through them. She shuddered as the static resembled some long eared demonic thing-But why would it do that in every picture?

"But he's... Otherwise, he's healthy, right?" Mary asked urgently, putting the papers down. The doctors nodded.

"The bits we can see? Yes," Ramirez said. The junior doctor snorted.

"Lady, the kid got a broken arm this morning and now he's almost completely healed. I'd say he's MORE than all right."

Mary covered her mouth in shock. Ramirez sighed, and pulled out some more printouts.

"I was hoping to go over all this later, but seeing how Gunther here blew that part," he said with a scowl. Gunther looked aside, a bit embarrassed. The senior doctor turned to Mary, and handed over some paperwork. She took it, and flipped through page after page of genetic and bloodwork results.

"I took the liberty of sending his bloodwork to the university lab last time we gave him a check up," Ramirez said. "He's a Type B positive, but there's all these weird proteins in there we've never seen before. And as far as genetics go? His haplogroup is completely unknown."

Mary blinked, trying to reconcile what she saw on the pages with her son. "... are you saying he's... what? Not human?"

Both doctors shook their heads.

"No! No, of course he's human!" Gunther said.

"No, goodness no," Ramirez added. "But he's got a really weird genetic structure. The DNA tests are giving us dozens of weird transposition mutations and deletions or substitutions that make no sense."

"And that means...?" Mary prompted flatly.

"They can't trace his lineage to any existing human population," Ramirez said. "It's like he came from a completely unknown, isolated human population... Removed by several generations."

Gunther's reaction was far more dramatic-He tossed some papers into the air. It seemed appropriate. "Point is! We know fuck-all about this kid. We would love for you to keep bringing him here so we can monitor his growth."

Mary scowled, tightening her grip on the papers. She'd been worried about this the moment Naruto had shown up in their lives... "You're not going to cart him off to some government lab, are you?"

Both doctors laughed. Ramirez extended his hand reassuringly to Mary, and she relaxed.

"You've been watching too much TV," Ramirez chuckled. "We just want to make sure he grows up healthy and doesn't have some sort of horrible genetic disorder waiting to spring on him because of these anomalous structures. Er... not that I want to alarm you."

"Of course," Mary said with a nod, feeling far less worried. She looked over at Naruto, still sitting under the scanner. She gave him a comforting smile, and he smiled back. Such a good boy.

"In that case," Mary said carefully, "how do we set this up?"

The year 2014...

"Go Broncos! Broncos! Broncos!" yelled nine-year-old Naruto from the couch, clad in an orange and blue jersey about two sizes too big for him.

"Oh, this is going to be good," Nathan said. He was sitting to Naruto's left on the couch, munching on some potato chips. "Best offense versus best defense. Peyton Manning versus the Legion of Boom. And hopefully no power outages like last year."

In the kitchen, Mary shook her head indulgently as the boys glued themselves to the TV in anticipation of the kickoff. She never did get the appeal of that game, but it would keep the boys occupied for a few hours while she got a head start on her work. It was just too bad Rob wasn't here to watch with them.

"And the Broncos get the ball!" Nathan crowed. "Let's see what Manning can d- wait, did they just fumble the snap? OH SHI- uh, shoot, a safety!

"Oh no!" Naruto cried. "So they get two points? And the ball?"

"Uh, yeah. This is not a good start to this game."

By the end of the first quarter, Nathan no longer cared that he was swearing in front of his little brother.

"GODDAMMIT, MANNING, HOW DID YOU NOT SEE HIM?!"

"N-Nathan, the Broncos're gonna win, right?"

"I don't know, Naruto. I mean, it's only the first quarter, but Manning needs to step up his game if they're gonna have any chance."

"Come on, come on... no! When did Manning get replaced by Schaub?!" By this point Nathan was close to tearing his hair out. The Broncos had never been this far behind all season, and it was looking increasingly likely that they would not be closing the gap.

Naruto had by this point fallen off the couch and started an incoherent trantrum. Quite frankly, Nathan didn't blame him.

"Nathan, why did he kick it short?"

"Probably so the Seahawks don't get another big return. Ah, Harvin's got it. Harvin's running. Uh, can someone tackle him? Hey! Tackle the guy! Oh, goddammit!"

"That's... three..."

"We can't run, we can't pass, our defense has more holes than a Dutch dike in a French invasion, our special teams are special in all the wrong ways... Oh, hey, they scored."

Mary let out a pleased groan as she leaned back in her chair, arms above her head and her work finished. Looking at the clock, she decided that the game was probably over by now. Making her way to the living room she found, to her shock, a mess of couch cushions and potato chips scattered everywhere, with Naruto curled up in a fetal position on the floor.

"Oh my gosh! Naruto, are you alright?" she cried, running to her son's side. "What happened."

Naruto turned his head towards her, and the anguish nearly stopped her heart. "They lost, mom. They lost really bad," he intoned in a dull monotone, none of his usual cheer present.

"I-I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie." It occurred to her that the room was missing something. Or rather, someone. "Where's Nathan, sweetie?"

"He said he was going to get all his Broncos stuff and then burn it."

Mary's eyes widened, and she immediately sprinted out the back door. "Nathan, you better not be doing what I think you're doing!"